Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Genre Debate


Allow me to be frank: You are not a biologist. Your credentials to accurately classify anything are sub-par at best. Your mother and father dropped to their knees and embraced you, with tears in their eyes, the moment you first pointed and accurately identified a "train". You were 11-years-old. I'll safely assume that at the time, a hockey helmet was still very much a necessity. I'm sure it was the last proud moment your parents ever got to experience in their time spent raising you.

But you're older now (regardless of whether or not you act like it), and have miraculously developed the necessary brain function to navigate to the YouTube website on your browser. From there, you search furiously for your favorite metal songs and music videos. After locating them, you spend about 10% of your free time actively listening to and enjoying them, and 70% of it arguing with other retards about whether the band is "blackened ambient death groove" or "post doom thrash prog grind". (The other 20% you probably spend fapping to fat chicks jiggling their butts to rap music, or thinking Fred is funny.)  

If you're not taking part in a genre debate on a YouTube comment section, then it will be somewhere in a heavy metal web forum, the comments section of some metal blog where nobody cares to hear your worthless opinion (yo), or on some Facebook wall with a perfect stranger, whose profile picture you glare at nightly, enraged that someone with a such a shit-eating grin had the audacity to disagree with you about your classification of a rock band's sub-genre. You all are guilty of it, and you're all retards for it. 



I can't even begin to fathom what microcosm of a shit you think I give, that any single one of you have some potential theory in what to call a metal band besides what I call them. NEWSFLASH: I don't. But to humor both of these evolutionary failures: Sonic Syndicate is about as "melodeath" as Atreyu, and there is no such thing as "viking metal". It's a lyrical theme geniuses, blow me and die. Vikings played flutes, Marshalls didn't exist back in the day. If you're a folk, death, or black metal band that likes to talk about Odin and wear fur on stage, you're still a folk, death, or black metal band. Blind Guardian sings about Tolkien works a lot, but I'm not going to call them Hobbit Metal. As for Cock, "Hey have you heard that new post-hardcore with some electronica band, Jamie's Elsewhere? They are my new favorite post-hardcore with some electronica band. They're gonna make it big in the post-hardcore with some electronica scene. 

2 syllables beats 10, douchetard. Like always and forever, I win. Die in a fire.

"You go Brenocide! Labels are for soup cans!" Shut up, goth kid. I'll never be against any bands being classified as a specific genre. Regardless of the fact all of them are against it. Band members are consistently riding this high horse where they are under the false impression that their music doesn't sound like anybody else's. That they are their very own little genre, and that genre is Burzum. In a typical genre debate, one party always brings up a band's opinion of how they're generalized. As if it barely matters. Case in point: Massachusetts mosh factory, The Acacia Strain refuse to be referred to as "Deathcore", regardless of the fact that they carefully follow every specific guideline of a Deathcore band to a tee. They simply want to be referred to as "heavy". Seriously? They give people like this musical instruments? You can't listen to heavy. Unless we're talking about your girlfriend walking on a hard wood floor.


Sorry musicians, but when you focus all of your artistic efforts on down-tuned heavily distorted tremolo picking, blast beats, and screeching vocals because you heard all the other black metal bands doing it, I'm not going to feel bad for you when someone calls you a black metal band. I know you're all really dumb, or children, so I'll use peanut butter as an analogy to help you understand. You go to the store and you want some peanut butter, because you like it. So you go to the peanut butter section to find some. Now, we understand that not all peanut butter is created equal; there's different brand names that taste differently and use different ingredients, whether it be Jif, Peter Pan or Skippy. Then there's also smooth peanut butter, chunky, light, organic, etc. Some taste really good to you and others are really gross. Maybe while you're in the peanut butter section, you find some that you've never heard of, bring it home to try it, and now you're a fan. Regardless of all these differences, it's all still god damn peanut butter. Jif is not about to call itself "post sweet peanut blend cream". Nor would they blend peanuts into butter, knowing full well what it is and that other people have done it. Then turn around and say "We don't consider ourselves any specific type of food. We just make the food that we like."


Jif would never do that. That would be retarded.


So my issue does not lie within the act of classifying metal bands, which ultimately helps bands earn new listeners (you're welcome) and gives potential fans a basic idea of what to expect from your music. My issue is with arguing about it. Who gives a shit? Everybody is so passionate about being considered the most world-renowned heavy metal scientist. Like you're the late Steve Irwin, and all you have to do is jam your thumb up a rock band's backside, to accurately bestow upon us your expert opinion of whether it's of hardcore or post-hardcore gender. By the way, clever use of the term "post", jerkoffs. I didn't know we had such celebrated hard rock historians in our midst. It's like hardcore music has become the new birth of Christ, and the names of all our musical genres are going to be chronologically based on whether or not they came before or after the holy age of hardcore music.


Here's an idea: come back and talk to us about it when you're post-suicide.


Bottom line is, if it's within the realms of true metal music, you hardly need to worry yourself with what it's supposed to be called. It's all metal, and it's glorious. The only decisions you need to concern yourself with are whether or not a band is to be considered true metal. Almond butter may want to be peanut butter, but we in the peanut butter elite fully recognize it as a false nut-based cream spread for poseurs and wannabes.

All hail the glory of our TRV peanutty gods. \,,/


28 comments:

  1. Everybody knows that Peanut Maiden is better than Almond Alexandria.

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  2. I hate when people want to list fifty different genres for one band. And I especially hate it when they put "heavy metal" in that list. Just say fucking "Death Metal", or "Thrash Metal", not "Death and Heavy Metal". That's like saying "he's my uncle and my dad's brother".

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  3. I lol'd several times reading this. I'm rarely is such a discussion though, since I don't have a clue what it all is. I classify music as 'I like' and 'Fuck off'. Works fine

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  4. There are four metal genres: Heavy Metal, Thrash Metal, Death Metal, and Black Metal. Those four metal genres have two sub-genres: Awesome and Shitty.

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  5. You forgot Doom and Power broski (Prog too I guess). Folk is up for debate because it's usually just heavy or power metal with flutes and video game village melodies.

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  6. The only two genre classifications I hate are "classic rock" and "New Wave of British Heavy Metal".

    Classic rock is not a genre. It's term the radios use so people who know nothing about music will kind of understand what they're talking about.

    NWOBHM is not a genre, it was a period of time.

    However, I'm not gonna waste my time arguing about these things with others, because most other people are stupid and I'm not gonna bother changing that.

    That is all. I absolutely love this blog by the way.

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  7. This post made me sad. I was working on inventing a new genre called Epic Gothcore Blackened Thrash Heavy Folk Metal. There'd only be one member: Me. I'd be the mandatory babe on keyboard. Except I'd be fat, hairy and partially naked. Also I'd do shitty cover vocals and sample bands like The Cure, Gorgoroth and Pearl Jam.

    It'd be so fucking epic that everyone would need to watch the YouTube video of me performing in my underwear, in my parents' basement.

    My bandname would be "Suicidal Bat From Mexico". Not that I'm from Mexico but it'd make my target audience wider.

    (Joking aside, I loved the peanut butter analogy in this one. It's probably the best explanation of how annoying subgenre debating is.)

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  8. http://imgur.com/9fmbA.png

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  9. Por Que no Taco4/21/2011 6:16 PM

    Another great blog. Yeah, I preferably like to classify my music as metal because that's all I have on my mp3 anyway.

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  10. Hahahaha I love the "Hobbit Metal."
    It's good you're back. I needed the laughs.

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  11. Two of my favorites:

    "They are not death metal. In death metal you cant even understand a word of growl."

    "Tune Lamb of God down another half-step and split Randy Blythe's vox into lows and highs, and you have a southern-style death metal band."

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  12. Hey Kwinten, it's Joyful Lemon here, NWOBHM has to be the worst genre name, I just say heavy metal.

    Although I don't argue much on youtube, I do have to tell people that Amon Amarth are a death metal band with Viking themes not a Viking metal band, they never learn.

    And Tobias, you need to make that band!!!

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  13. Nice post. I agree that the peanut butter analogy was perfect.

    Also, you may want to check out the Map of Metal if you haven't already. http://mapofmetal.com/#/home

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  14. KiteHellScream4/22/2011 5:59 AM

    That reminds me of something..

    I commented on a yt video YEARS AGO (the video was a "emo vs metal" something something)

    I stated that Slipknot is not a metal band.

    People still argue with me today.

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  15. best post by you in a long time brenocide :D

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  16. CrabCoreKing4/22/2011 6:21 AM

    Damn so my dream of making a blacken trancore/crabcore/postcore jazz fuzzion band are ruined D:

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  17. Psycho-Toaster4/22/2011 8:41 AM

    But I'm allergic to peanuts ):

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  18. @Raul
    "Folk is up for debate because it's usually just heavy or power metal with flutes and video game village melodies." ???
    Give Falkenbach, Moonsorrow, Myrkgrav, Skyforger, Suidakra and Pagan Reign some spins bro.

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  19. WitchfyndeFinder4/22/2011 2:34 PM

    I'll put it like this: you use more than two words to describe a metal genre - you're gay. (old school death metal and first wave black metal being exceptions). Blackened thrash metal is fine. Stoner doom metal is fine. Two words give a good description of a bands sound without it going dumb like "slamming guttural brutal death metal".

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  20. WitchfyndeFinder

    What about Melodic Death Metal?

    It's two words if I write "Melodeath", but...

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  21. WitchfyndeFinder4/27/2011 9:36 AM

    Two words aside the word metal. Melodic death metal is fine. An exception could be old school death metal because its a valid genre that has been around for a long time.

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  22. I remember when I used to participate in genre wars, but now I just stick to telling someone what subgenre something is if they're WAY off. I'll admit, I like some weird sub-subgenres like Symphonic/Progressive Powerthrash or something like that but I usually keep that to myself because A) you'll look dumb for typing such a thing and B) Someone will argue that it is in fact Neo-Classical Groovecore instead.

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  23. Erm... I feel like a nerd writing this, but metal that talks about Tolkien is usually called Tolkien Metal(Summoning, Blind Guardian etc...)...
    Thou I remember that Gently Giant was called Hobbit Rock...

    http://www.last.fm/tag/tolkien%20metal

    Cool blog by the way...

    PS: Fuck crabcore!..

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  24. don't lie, when someone refers to Slayer as Death Metal, you just HAVE to jump in.

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  25. playin dat xbax!8/29/2011 11:14 AM

    Slayer is thrash/speed metal but they were pushing to be death metal. To be honest, the only thing separating them from death metal is the vocals.

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  26. My only major pet peeve is modern use of the word "screamo." Bands like Orchid, Saetia and Circle Takes the Square are "screamo." Bands like Escape the Fate, Silverstein or Hawthorne Heights are NOT "screamo."

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  27. Check this out Bren http://youtu.be/ZIoXEl4kg78

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  28. Above link didn't work try this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIoXEl4kg78&feature=plcp

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.