Your eyes do not deceive you, homophobia is officially unmetal. Why, you ask? Well, glossing over the fact that not knowing the answer already makes you false, there are several reasons. Let’s go ahead and explore them.
We’ll start with the obvious: Rob Halford, one of the most important figures in metal, the reason your favorite obscure black metal band thinks leather and studs are so cool, is gay. Does this make Judas Priest unmetal? No, it just makes homosexual tubo-lovin’ more metal than heterosexual overcompensation for what has to be a 3 inch penis.
But I don’t need to bore you with talk of Judas Priest (not that talk of Judas Priest should EVER be boring to you), let’s get deeper into why homophobia isn’t metal.
You’ve heard of Gaahl right? How about Euronymous? Both of them liked dudes. I’m not a big Gaahl fan but he pulls off the creepy black metal weirdo better than anyone else popular enough to get interviewed. Euronymous was largely responsible for pioneering what we refer to as black metal nowadays. Now, does the name Kirk Hammett ring a bell to you? You know he’s married with kids? And yet, way more of a fag than either of the previous two mentions.
But alright, enough beating around the bush, there’s far more to why it’s not metal.
Let’s break down (EW!) the word homophobia. Technically it sounds like an irrational fear of humans, contextually formatted to mean an irrational fear of gays. I’m not scared of anyone, because my trv metal superiority will protect me from any harm someone less metal attempts to inflict on me. Of course you’re saying, “But Xandemic, that isn’t what homophobia means. It’s supposed to mean fear of BECOMING gay.” Which I know and can answer like this: first off, you’re really strong willed if hanging out with a bunch of gay dudes is all it takes to get you to switch teams. If that happens to you then nobody wants you being straight anyway. Secondly, how would you even know? Do you feel an attraction to another man? REALLY. That sounds a lot like you desire sex with someone. Smells like poser all of a sudden. Allow me to remind you and everyone else that sex is not metal, so therefore you shouldn’t even notice your orientation, because you should be too busy being metal.
But here’s something nobody’s really talked about even though we should all be fucking aware of it, if you think being gay makes someone less manly (or whatever), watch the movie 300.
“But Xandemic, they weren’t gay in 300!” Yes they were, maybe not full-on “I can’t do the vagina thing” gay, but dudefuckers all the same. It might not have been shown, but homosexuality was a staple of the warrior’s life in Sparta. 300 was Hollywood making a movie about a comic book loosely based on an army of dudes that fucked each other on the reg. Before I had achieved trv metal enlightenment, I used to think that made them less cool. But let’s take a look at this:
If that’s not enough, let’s look at some famous examples of people that are outspokenly homophobic:
So, let’s review.
1, Rob Halford is gay and more metal than any of your favorite tuffguy brocore chugalug “I get laid all the time and can prove it because I write deathcore songs about it” bands.
2, Euronymous and Gaahl are/were also gay, and yet far less faggy than anyone in The Big 4.
3, Fearing anyone is not metal. Wanting to have sex with anyone is not metal. Since those are basically the only bases of homophobia, it makes homophobia unmetal.
4, The 300 Spartans all did gay shit all the time. But they’re the ones that look the most like Manowar. (Not to mention the fact that Iron Maiden never wrote a song called "Bill O'Reilly")
5, Many of metal’s biggest adversaries are fundamentalist Christians and therefore homophobic. Fred Phelps is the guy that hates gays more than anyone else, and he’s also the guy that decided to fly down to LA from Kansas to protest Ronnie James Dio’s funeral. The enemy of Fred Phelps is your friend.
Now that we’ve gotten that out there, it’s time for a new rule: fag no longer refers to someone that likes cock. It now means someone that likes bad music. In other words, some of you are probably gay, and many of you are definitely fags, but the two no longer have anything to do with each other.
Have a nice day, fags.
EDIT: Nothing is more shameful than admitting you're wrong. But I guess I actually did get my facts fucked up. It seems that the Spartans were the only Greeks not into man-on-man penetration (according to wikipedia at least). Whatever though, Alexander the Great > Leonidas anyway. Research that one, bitches.