Getting Pizza for the Game Tonight?

I ordered some food from Domino's online last night, because I hate talking to people on the phone almost as much as I just hate people. It looks like there are now a couple of "themes" to choose from in regards to their famed pizza tracker. It's pretty gimmicky and pointless, but I decided to look through them anyway. I think the right choice was obvious...



On a side note, I don't know what's more obnoxious - people who actually are football fans, or pseudo-intellectual snobs that every single year put themselves above witnessing such ruffian entertainment; then tell everyone they know that they will instead be watching specifically for the commercials. Sharpen the end of your toothbrush on a rock, and then shove it in your retina. No one cares. 

TNM Review: Escape The Fate - Self-titled suckfest

Late last December, I wrote a review for BMTH's latest album, that was almost as painfully long as the album title itself. I got way too in depth, spent way too much time on it, and ultimately, nobody ended up reading it anyway. So why not make the same mistake twice? Here's my review of Escape The Fate's latest travesty to the music world...

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to align yourself against these so-called "enemies of metal", if you don't even know who they are and you don't know them well. Manowar has been telling the wimps and poseurs to leave the hall for decades now, and we have raised our fists and horns on cue in defiance against these nameless antagonists whomever they may be. In our minds we have fabricated this heavy metal battlefield, with swords held high, where those of us in allegiance with true metal valiantly charge towards our faceless adversaries. Today I would like to put a name and face on the concept of all that is false, untrue, and poseurly. That name and face is Las Vegas buttcore band, Escape the Fate.

ETF is hardly a new face to the suck scene. Their launch to internet kid stardom was set off by winning a local radio contest in 2005 that was judged by the then relevant My Chemical Romance. They then released their first full length album in 2006, and pranced around the mainstream wearing Slayer and Cannibal Corpse t-shirts in an effort to mock and deface our genre as much as possible. Meanwhile, drummer Robert Ortiz spends every waking moment of his life participating in a Slash look-alike contest...

I'd be offended if Slash didn't already suck as it was...

The band would later run into some murder controversy with their singer Ronnie Radke, and he appropriately got the boot. He was replaced with Craig Mabbit, former singer from christcore band Blessthefall.

Getting past their scene queen looks, musically is where ETF truly horrifies. It's like if a screamo band went to a Sum 41 show, then as soon as they got home, tried to do it themselves. That's pretty much it. Or at least that used to be the case with Radke. I start the album, and after the twinkly intro, I get to the track Massacre. This is a Bring Me The Horizon riff. The last thing I want to do is defend one of my least favorite bands, but there's something to be said if you're ripping those guys off.  The main difference here being their clean chorus crooning, which actually sounds more emo than your typical metalcore setup. Didn't know it could be done. Then I get a guitar solo, and I can't really deny the fact that guitarist Bryan Money has got some chops. At first I was a bit more impressed, thinking "pretty good for a girl", because until I found out his name, I legitimately thought Money was a woman. I'm not kidding. He's probably the biggest transvestite in the scene today. If I was drunk in a bar, I would hit on him. Breakdowns and shrieking are a plenty here, along with random remix skipping and chirping. I was worried that this terrible track would set the mood for the rest of the album, and I would be in for a long night. I had no idea the terrifying reality of my situation...

So then we get to the single of the album, Issues. I'm fed another overproduced, quirky, chirpy industrial intro before they start "rocking". This song sounds a lot like something you would hear on the local rock radio station that refuses to keep up with what's current. Maybe it is a song on the radio now? I wouldn't know because I'm actually metal. Dare I say, the singing and guitar is almost Linkin Park-esque, which isn't really all that daring, because it's a perfect comparison. The guitar solo, which I was expecting to be the only saving grace, was actually lazy and incredibly short. The next song Zombie Dance starts out surprisingly promising, as the music crescendos to almost epic metal proportions. Could Escape the Fate really write a song I might actually like? I am immediately slapped back to reality as the song starts to blow worse than anything ever. It sounds like an over-driven No Doubt tune. I know its easy to say because 2011 just started, but this is the worst song I've heard all year. It sounds like a Britney Spears song with electric guitar. I'm going to link it to you, because I want you to be as mad.

The pop princess routine continues musically and lyrically with Gorgeous Nightmare. Money plays another pretty okay solo, but it doesn't do much to help things. With City of Sin, I'm convinced that this isn't a metalcore album anymore, but a pop album. Not even the kind of pop music sung by a man. Escape the Fate's music isn't manly enough to be on the same par as Adam Lambert. Nay, it is the type of music written for young girls like Miley Cyrus and Katie Perry to sing. If Katie Perry's California Girls had a guitar solo at the end of it, it would be an Escape The Fate song. This is truly terrible stuff.

Boys in black makeup... They still make you?

Day of Wreckoning blares through the speakers and I am so joyfully grateful to hear some ol' fashioned cliche metalcore. When I say cliche, boy do I mean it. To best describe the predictability of this track, you are able to put the headphones down, walk away, go microwave a hot pocket, come back with cooked hot pocket, put the headphones back on, and start eating at the exact moment of the breakdown. Then.., keyboards! It's the next song, Lost in Darkness. What a gothfest. Listening to this song, I'm surprised I don't have a razor at the ready. Moving on, if I rolled my eyes any harder at the marching troops sound effect at the beginning of Prepare your Weapon, blood would pour from them. Is there some kind of vault or desert we can bury that overused sound gimmick in please? Anyway, the song is so far the fastest, and comes closer to something metal than anything else on the album thus far. It's still, however, metalcore in its very essence, and Mabbit's voice would have the ability to even gay up a viking battle reenactment if he was given the chance. This is an ETF song, and it still sucks. The mild goodness of the song ends halfway, and it just gets weepy and fairyriffic like everything else I've heard so far.

Then... power ballad! I wish I was 15 again so I could go through a mild enough breakup to truly appreciate The World Around Me. Why would you put a power ballad in an album that desperately needs less gayity? Clearly ETF's goals lie in revitalizing glam rock and everything it represented, to do all the damage it did to the music world once again. The album finally reaches its conclusion with Aftermath. The track starts out pretty metal with some high gain sweeps and taps and such, but the rest of the album has taught me to know better than to hope for something more. You can tell the band really poured their heart and soul into this last track, it truly is the best effort of a worthless album, but like always, that's not saying much. It's just a speedy metalcore song with all that cookie cutter goodness we've discussed so far.

Escape the Fate may have released this self-titled disaster around the end of last year, but lucky enough for them, it was just in the knick of time to be a strong contender in the running for worst album of 2010. Avoid this album like it were Helen Thomas running at you in a teddy with a box of rubbers.

Lessons in Hate: Try a little harder not to contradict yourself.

So this young fool did the best he possibly could to give me a long-winded putdown about my blog and how stupid T-Man was for writing a violation post about ear plugs. At first, I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of a sufficient response, so I just told him what you see up there and moved on with my day, feeling pretty good about myself. However, upon careful reconsideration, I feel this anonymous young fellow, whoever he may be, deserves better treatment than that. So for him, I will gladly prepare a long-winded carefully thought out reply of my very own in order to see which one of us is in the end, intellectually superior. It's the least I could do for him after he spent enough of his spare time reading and visiting my site to establish such a strong opinion about me and what I am doing here.

So first and foremost, we don't need to discuss the ear plugs thing, I've already given you your grief in that regard. We've all agreed you're a fairy and moved on. Let's look at your next comment, stating that "this blog is so stupid". I'm familiar with having such an attitude. For instance, when my mother asked me to help around the house, I would go on about how "dishes are so stupid" and "mopping is so stupid". I was in middle school after all, I couldn't form an intricate enough argument about why I shouldn't do the dishes, just that they were "so stupid". You amazingly however, managed to somehow surpass my capabilities at the age of 11, by continuing on as to why you thought my blog was "so stupid". Bravo, sir. If I still lived with my mother, I would call you for your advice regarding how I could talk my way out of vacuuming. Let's see how you go about enlightening me...

"Its funny because you say all this stuff is not metal but you still care about it if you didnt you wouldnt take the time to write about it" 

I think I'll be the bigger man and let the whole punctuation thing slide for now. So the reason I write about this stuff is because I "care about it" otherwise I "wouldn't take the time to write about it"? While it's certainly an interesting theory that I have a soft spot in my heart for white guys with dreadlocks, I'm having a hard time seeing where you're coming from. Also I'm glad you think "its funny". Most people think the blog is funny, but I can't really tell why you do specifically. Do you think the site is funny because I'm making fun of Hot Topic pants when I really love Hot Topic pants? I think somewhere down the line you've been misinformed. You also took the time to write about my blog in that comment, so by your definition, does that mean you care about it? Thanks dude! :-)

"Why not write a blog about metal bands not just some hate speech about fashion."

Is this a question? It's kind of hard to tell without the punctuation mark that defines it as so. You know this thing "?", I'm positive they taught you all about it in elementary school... alright, I promised I wouldn't get into punctuation, so I'll move on. Yeah, you know, I think that would a pretty cool idea writing a blog just about metal bands. I'm pretty sure that hasn't been done before. So I'll keep it in mind. As for "hate speech about fashion", I don't really know what your mom driving you to shows, bringing a beer into a crowd, kids at the moshpit rim, or even the post that sent you over the edge have anything to do with fashion. But okay, I'll give... I guess I do go a little too much into the whole fashion thing sometimes. I guess in the end, image doesn't really matter, right?

"Fashion goes hand in hand with metal if you like it or not. You can listen to BMTH or Mayhem fashion will always be a part of metal." 

Wait... whoa... okay... I'm confused. Do you have multiple personality disorder? Are you arguing with yourself? You just said I shouldn't write about fashion, that I should write about metal instead. Yet here you are telling me that it matters and it's always going to be part of metal. Does that mean its important enough to write about? Did you change your mind mid-comment? 

"If you really care about metal music write a blog about music. By reading your blog you clearly care about the image more than the music."

So you've changed your mind back now? Pretty wishy-washy, dude. Should I consider image important, or shouldn't I? I have no idea what you're trying to express at this point, as you clearly have no clue how to do something as simple as getting a message across. Here's what I've taken from the experience of your comment: I am writing about heavy metal fashion. Fashion goes hand in hand with metal, whether anyone likes it or not. Your words not mine. So where's the problem here? If fashion is relevant to Metal, then everything I have ever said is relevant to metal and ultimately matters. I think we're done here.

You can't be mad at me dude. I am writing about you, so it just means I care about you. Have a pleasant life. 

\,,/ Brenocide

Cowboy Hats

Wait no, Brenocide, you're wrong on this one. What about Lemmy? He wears cowboy hats. You going to tell me that Lemmy isn't metal now? 

Are you Lemmy Kilmister? Probably not. Would you be caught dead wearing a black leather cowboy hat with a big skull on the front of it? Probably yes. I don't write these things for deities like Lemmy Kilmister to read and think about. I write them for chumps like you. With your wispy goatees, your baggy t-shirts, your hunched postures and your studded belts. I'm on your side, I'm your bud, and I want you to get laid sometimes. I'm not that sucky friend that keeps his opinion to himself about your appearance. I'm that good friend that will stop you at the door before you go out looking like Sheriff Douchely.

Cowboy hats are high-crowned, wide-brimmed hats that give the rest of the world a good enough reason to continue to make fun of our country. Former Pantera snare-slammer, Vinnie Paul wears one to every public appearance, photo shoot, interview, music video, and toilet he sits on to really drive home to everybody that doesn't quite get it yet, that he is in fact originally from a place within the state lines of Texas. It wouldn't be so bad if said hat wasn't typically decorated with Chinese dragons, flames, skulls, roses, poker cards, barbed wire, tribal designs, snakes, or whatever else a braindead weight lifter would tattoo around his bicep. I'm sure some of you Pantera fans out there are all pissed now, since I just dissed your favorite heavy-handed drummer. Although nothing scares me less than a Pantera fan, I'll still ask you to kindly cool your jets and realize that we're not just talking about Pantera's drummer, but also the guy who played drums for Damageplan and started the band Hellyeah. I mean, Hellyeah for god's sake. Like always, I will bring up my trusty metal "old stuff" formula...

Awesome Old Stuff  < Awful New Stuff = NOT METAL
Awesome Old Stuff > Awful New Stuff = Should have broke up. STILL NOT METAL

Giddy-up for the Phony Express

Vinnie Paul looks more and more every day like a long-haired Guy Fiere, and shouldn't be a fashion role model for anybody, much less you. As for the rest of Hellyeah, do you know where the guys in Mudvayne are from? Illinois, and we're not even talking southern Illinois either. Tom Maxwell of Nothingface is from Baltimore; Bobzilla from Los Angeles. These guys have about as much right to pass themselves off as southern rockers as Staind's Aaron Lewis from Massachusetts. Oh wait.
If you really can't help but decline my advice, here's the best way to go about wearing your Ronald Reagan headpiece:

1. Put your hat on.
2. Buy a revolver.
3. Twirl it a couple times.
4. Shoot yourself in the mouth with it.
5. Repeat as necessary, cowpoke. 

When I was younger, being a metal fan seemed like a much simpler gig. You liked metal, and you didn't so much like pop, pop rock, punk, rap, and country. Before the 'core travesties of today's scene, they were more or less the only enemies. Country music, in its current definition, has always been like the opposite of heavy metal to me. Does that mean I hate country? Yes. But like with most genres of music (excluding anythingcore) it has its respectable names when you sift through all the garbage. Let's take Johnny Cash for instance, and keeping that in mind, let's try a little experiment. If you could, minimize this page at your earliest convenience, navigate your way to Google Image Search, and type in "Johnny Cash". Just scroll down a bit. There may be one or two pictures of him wearing a cowboy hat, right? Afterwards, try typing in names like "Tim McGraw", "Toby Keith", and "Alan Jackson" The amount that their country music sucks is relative to how often they wear cowboy hats. Do you really want to walk around looking like anyone of these ten-gallon tards?

So we've defined that the cowboy hat is the official uniform of country music that sucks, country music that sucks being the polar opposite of metal that is awesome. So why would you wear something that's the complete opposite of who you are and what you represent? My friend, we have arrived at the point of the article: because it's ironic. As you all know very well, irony is the weapon of hipsters, and should be avoided by savvy metalheads like it were contagious homosexuality. Wearing something not cool because it's cool to do so is like masochism in fashion. It's like putting your manhood in a blender because it feels good. It's a psychological problem, not a fashion statement.

You are not Lemmy. You are not even Matt Pike. One person is Lemmy Kilmister, and 6,897,864,759 people aren't Lemmy Kilmister. If you belong to the latter group, you can't pull off wearing a cowboy hat without looking like a wrangler from retard ranch.