Poseur Mail Part 2: All Reading Comprehension Shall Perish

Ben Orum playing for a bunch of Disturbed fans in 2011 who didn't know music could get this heavy.

Here's a funny story for you.

So I wrote this obnoxious post a couple weeks ago; as I am known to sometimes do. The subject of said post was in regards to a one Andrew Baird, full-time drummer of San Francisco tech death outfit, Fallujah. There's a chance you might not be familiar with Baird or his band, as they're not exactly a top-tier metal act. They seem to have a decent following, and they're big enough to have albums and cool-looking t-shirts for you to buy, but they're still up-and-comers and they still struggle a lot. You'd expect any band this size to struggle, of course, but the lives that make up Fallujah legitimately suck. You see, Baird has been undergoing chemotherapy treatments for the testicular cancer he was diagnosed with a couple months ago. An incredibly unfortunate and shocking circumstance for a guy that looks like he's barely out of the womb and keeps himself in great shape.

So fast forward to the Summer Slaughter Tour contest. There were ten small time metal/core bands gunning for the chance to play as openers for this year's roster. Every band and all of their members were pleading desperately with their fans to go vote as soon and often as possible. Andrew, however, decided to take things one step further in his appeal. On the American Cancer Society Facebook page, Baird spilled his guts out. He spoke of his personal health and of how he desperately dreamed to play a tour like this one. I'll say that again; opening for fucking Cannibal Corpse was this guy's biggest dream. He definitely tried like hell to put himself out there with the point that because of his suffering, him and his band certainly deserved a good chance to make his wildest dreams come true.

As I'm sure you have figured, all hell broke loose.

Poseur Mail Part 1: Stretched Wide Butthurt

Stop mommy! I think you're stretching it.

It's safe to say that I missed a tremendous amount of things about writing for TNM during my extended absence. (Web groupies, etc.) Yet during those several quiet months of inactivity, there was but one thing that I longed to do more than anything else: Answer my hate mail. For the entirety of my hiatus, my fingers did nothing but itch furiously for the chance to type out some swift internet justice once again. It has indeed been a long time coming, but I am happy to announce, my fellow Defenders of the Faith, that time has arrived. Six months of unchecked, unspent, wildcat-level aggression pent up in my psyche, left to boil and fester; about to be unleashed in an atom bomb of face-melting, butt-hurt creating mayhem. For those of you who know, you already backed the fuck up and battened down the hatches. For those of you who don't: This is Poseur Mail Saturday. Nobody gets out alive.

So before we really kick things off, I'd like to ease the tension a bit with a simple multiple choice question. Just keep in mind that there's only one wrong answer:

Tell me, what exactly about the following comment makes the most sense to be upset about:

"Nice gauges, faggot."


Is it:

a.) The use of the word "faggot" in this example is incredibly homophobic and crude.
b.) The comment is ridiculing a person for their own personal sense of self expression.
c.) THERE NOT CALLED "GAUGES" DUMASS THERE CALLED "STRETCHED EARS", IF UR GUNNA MAKE FUN OF SOME1 U SHOULD DO THE RESERCH IF U DONT WANNA LOOK RETARDED. 

Reflect on those potential answers for a moment. In the meantime, I'm going to talk to you about something that happened during my absence regarding a post I wrote back in 2010...

News that Matters: Paint Norwegian Planes with Euronymous

Thanks to Patrik Asplund for bringing this to my attention:

If your hearts were broken over the outcome of The Summer Slaughter Tour vote, then fear not. By some miracle, your worth as a democratic metal fan have remained in tact. You can still make a difference in the world, by bringing black metal to Norwegian skies.

An airline in Norway, mysteriously named Norwegian Air Shuttle, is holding a vote online for people to choose their favorite popular Norwegian individual of cultural or historical importance. The person who gets the most votes will have their image immortalized on the tails of the airplanes to celebrate the company's 10th anniversary. Here's the company's description of the contest if you'd like more information:

"Her kan du blant annet stemme på en av kandidatene som en lokal nominasjonskomite bestående av: Fabian Stang (ordfører), Hans Edvardsen (Bymiljøetaten) og Lars Emil Hansen (Oslo Museum) har nominert. Komitemedlemmene er håndplukket basert på deres lokalkunnskap og engasjement. Se nedover på siden for flere nominerte kandidater. De fem kandidatene med flest stemmer etter at nominasjonsfasen er over, går videre til det endelige valget. Du kan avgi én stemme hver dag i hele nominasjonsfasen som varer frem til 28. mars kl. 23.59."

The late Øystein Aarseth, or as we all knew him, Euronymous of Mayhem, somehow made it onto the polls. The article I read about this on Gun Shy Assassin was posted two days ago, and at the time of that writing, Aarseth was in a bleak 23rd. At the time of this writing, he made it all the way to 5th place. The progress is staggering, and I want this to happen so bad now that I can taste the goat's blood.

To cast your vote, click here. The website isn't in English, obviously, and I know how you guys have a hard enough time as it is reading and writing in your own fucking language. However it shouldn't be too hard to figure out for those of you that aren't retarded. (Click the heart, mongoloid.) 

Spread the word like hellfire. We already got him to 5th in two days, so there's no reason we can't make this happen. You can vote through March 28th.


Edit:


Look to the skies, Norway. FUCK YOU.

Internet Tough Guys Put Fallujah Pussy with Cancer in His Place

FAGGOT.

So recently there's been a pretty big stir in heavy metal land about some sniveling, frail little cunt hair who will only be referred to as the drummer from Fallujah from here on out, because he's too much of a fart-stain pea-dick shit smear to deserve a man's fucking name. Andrew Baird is a name reserved only for a real, man's man, with manly intentions and who partakes commonly in manly activities. An "Andrew Baird" is the kind of guy with severe five o'clock shadow, shopping for groceries at 6 PM right after he got out of work so he can feed his middle class income family their mediocre dinner. Specially prepared by his unappreciative wife. Not you. You are the fucking drummer from Fallujah.

So why exactly does the drummer from Fallujah deserve this blood-soaked tsunami of hate crashing upon him with unrelenting force? Let me tell you, but sit down first bro, because you're gonna be so pissed:


He has cancer.

I know, FUCK HIM, right?