John Laux of Warbringer Interviewed by THIS GUY:

Don't binge on grape drink, kids. That shit is carb-heavy. You'll end up falling asleep in it chin-first and then interviews with metal artists will never look the same.

FIXED

Black Metal Peanut Butter

God knows where the hell you found that picture, Carl, but thanks for thinking I'm even remotely quotable.

Newer, bigger, better article is in progess, as they always are. In the meantime, remember that Almond butter may want to be peanut butter, but we in the peanut butter elite fully recognize it as a false nut-based cream spread for poseurs and wannabes.

- Brenocide \,,/

How To Be A Brutal Metal Vocalist by Sam Meador of Xanthochroid

I'm surprised he even brought up Pop Filters. Those are like, the basics.

Like Xanthochroid on Facebook if you like music that's good:
http://www.facebook.com/xanthochroidmetal

This is the only good music video ever. Trivium is still stupid.

This is the only music video I have watched and enjoyed. It's a couple years old and hasn't been seen by anybody except us. I want these guys to be signed immediately. In other news, I'm working on something substantial again, but it's gonna keep being like this. You're gonna go a while without much of anything except some crappy blurbs about shit that doesn't matter. You want news updates? Here's one: Girls still don't want to fuck you.

No, but seriously, as if Trivium couldn't figure out a way to be more false, they decided to have David Draiman of Disturbed produce their new album:

Draiman, seen here, contemplating just how badly he wants to get down with Heafy's sickness.

Out of all the bands that teeter on the fence between metal music and radio butt riffs, Trivium is only second to Avenged Sevenfold in finding new ways to prove themselves on the wrong side of that fence. I mean, at this point, I think it's safe to say that they're totally on the wrong side of that fence. They're on the wrong side, and they've drilled holes just big enough to fit their pale little peckers through, and they're just fucking wagging them at us. They're wagging their flaccid wieners at us and giggling with jolly fervor as we just have to look on from a distance. Look on from a distance, all pissed off and listening to our Sweet Savage records, doing our best to ignore them. Some of you even go over for a taste.

Still don't think Trivium unmetal? That picture was taken from Paolo Gregoletto's smarty phone and uploaded onto his Instagram feed. And here you were thinking only a seasoned Photoshop wizard could apply such a cracker jack black n' white filter. If snapping shots of David  Draiman's cue ball with your iPhone, while the hippest of Heafys noodles away on his vintage-style Gibson just a foot away from rock radio's favorite chin-tusked man baby isn't unmetal, I don't know what is. This coming from the blowhard that started a web page all about that specifically. How much more do we need to drive home that you need to stop listening to Trivium if you don't want to suck? Did they break up yet? Then a lot more. 

Confirmed for Poseur

Hansi Kursch of Blind Guardian confirmed for poseur:

D.D Verni of Overkill confirmed for poseur:

David Davidson of Revocation confirmed for poseur:

James Malone of Arsis confirmed for poseur:

Varg Vikernes of Burzum confirmed for poseur:

Paul Masvidal of Cynic and Death To All confirmed for poseur:

Charlie Benante of Anthrax confirmed for poseur:

Barney Greenway of Napalm Death confirmed for poseur:

And of course:

Confirm more poseurs in the comments below:


EDIT: Baldies don't count.

Underoath calls it quits: Doing the world a favor 15 years too late

In a stroke of pure luck, perhaps even a sign of awakening from the metal gods, the Christian rock band Underoath decided to call it quits in 2013. That’s right, 2013 will be free of one less shitty group of jackoff’s.

Apparently, they announced this news to their Twitter and Facebook followers in October. I wouldn’t know because Tyranneous doesn't do Twitter. Also, I don’t give two shits about Underoath anyway and when I don’t hear anything about them I just assume they locked themselves in a monastery somewhere far away.

So let’s read what the band had to say about this glorious announcement, because fairness is what we’re all about, right?

“It’s sad to say that we feel like it’s time to close this chapter, but we have never seen things more clearly,” frontman Spencer Chamberlain said. “We love all of you and hope to see you again soon.”

Spencer Chamberlain telling his fans how much he loves them at some event somewhere.

 “This couldn’t be a more bittersweet moment for us,” keyboardist Chris Dudley said. “We have accomplished more, met more friends, seen more places and have just done more than we could have ever imagined, and we really wanted to just go out on the highest note possible. That’s why we have put together a group of great friends and musicians for what will be our final tour ever.”

Reading this press release from October makes me want to vomit. I wasn’t aware that the business was all about friendship and circle jerks. I also wasn’t aware that friends charged friends for albums and general admission ticket prices. It’s sad for me to say that I can’t make any more jokes at your expense. Wait, I still can? Cool.

They speak of their time in the biz as though they were on a mystical adventure. As though they were on …

Underoath, you're not Bilbo Baggins. It was not some journey or adventure. It was a well calculated career of screaming.

 You see, I didn’t realize that Underoath accomplished anything. Unless they mean they slightly deepened their pockets with their fellow Christian’s hard earned cash and a pedestal from which to preach the word of their god. It sounds like they just kind of forced themselves on us, like good Christians, raping our brains with words and messages that we didn’t want in the first place.

Speaking of rape and Christians, did you know that Chris Dudley is a youth pastor? Me neither until today. But I'm not implying anything. Blame the church for automatically connecting those dots. 

Oh, hey Chris Dudley, it's cool that you help kids and stuff.

 

Taking Forever to Produce Material (ha!)

If you hadn't seen them already (scroll down, mongoloid), I poked some fun at myself and my silence/lack of updates by posting a pair of bullshit "studio update" videos that showed some footage of my fat, faceless ass sitting in a chair doing little more than nothing while the world waited. I did this all in an attempt to open a conversation about metal artists and their surprisingly common inability to satisfy fans with new content or news regarding new content. Did you guys get the joke? Did you? No? Of course you didn't. None of you ever fucking get it. A good chunk of you delete your Facebooks, clear out your iPods and break up with your girlfriends based off my stupid advice. You're a bunch of retards, all according to plan.

I'm glad you're dumb. Leave the smarts to the false. You're here to learn about metal, or rather, continue along with your very basic understanding of metal. Metal being a tried and true musical formula that has been dumbed down over generations into something simple to write and produce in a short time. As metal elitists, we only really like one riff anyway. It might be arranged a little differently, but it's all the same shit. It's sort of like pizza. There's an art to it, but at it's core, it's just dough and sauce and cheese, and really any jerkoff can just make pizza. You can put as many unusual toppings on this pizza as you want, in the form of say; synth or folk instrumentals, perhaps. It can be phenomenal, it can be so-so, it can be an abomination. Yet pizza is pizza and it's hard to really fuck up; since pizza in concept alone is just so great and better than any other food. As much as I hate bad metal, just as I do bad pizza, even the worst pizza is still better than the best tofu dish. Fuck tofu. If you like tofu, leave.

Little Ceasers and Dimmu Borgir. Two perfect examples of shitty pizza.

So when I'm told over the phone that my pizza is going to be ready for me to pick up and eat in 20 minutes, but instead it takes the guys in the kitchen eight years to get me only half of my fucking pie, forgive me for getting a little annoyed. 

You're just making pizza here, so what's the fucking hold-up?