Saturday, June 6, 2015

Quick Reviews: Metal of May 2015 Wasn't Better

Shut up idiot. I read your album review, and the whole time I was sitting there just like OH GOD STOP WRITING IT BURNS MY FUCKING EYES. It's cool when I write on and on about anything, because I'm funny and awesome. But you? You're boring as wood. And I don't mean the wood they use to build super strats. I mean the wood they would use to build schools or some shit. Snore. When you're not wasting everyone's time with your high falutin breakdown of any given death metal release, your blog is all about news. We get it, metal musicians OD on heroin and break up, thanks for the fucking update Sludge Report.

There's so much talk in your typical metalhead's album review. Going on and on about each track and the mood of the album and how it compares to their previous work and just constant, analytical dissection. The only dissection that matters to me is the one where the lead singer killed himself for Satan. At least that's what he claims in his suicide note. I'm pretty sure we all know he did it because his last album was radio rock. Yeah, I said it.

Enough with the paragraphs and paragraphs of album reviews already. This is the age of streaming. I don't need to read an in-depth critique someone has of an album when I can just go listen to it myself for free somewhere and figure out it sucks in 4 minutes. I don't need some thick rimmer in a hoodie on his Mac to help me decide what album to listen to in a nine paragraph essay. I have my own hoodie and glasses, thank you very much. I can't afford a Mac because I'm too underground, and I don't have time to write nine paragraph essays about metal albums because I'm too busy writing fifty paragraph essays about how everyone should act at shows. 

Veil of Maya - Matriarch

Everyone who's into Veil of Maya got really mad about how VoM has a new vocalist who sings typical good cop/bad cop metalcore circa 2004 vocals in this new album. They should instead be angry with themselves for getting into VoM in the first place.  

2/5 But hey, if you like Periphery... then stop that too.

Nekrogoblikon - Heavy Meta 

It's kind of tragic really. I was looking forward to this album ever since I heard Nekrogoblikon started working on it. With all the wait, and all the hype, I so very badly wanted to enjoy this album, and then I did. Too much. The absolute worst thing about this album is that I didn't hear it sooner in some sort of prophetic vision during my darkest nightmares and had to wait until it was actually released. Buy it with what little money you have, you fucking idiot. Stop reading this and buy it. Steal the money from your mom's purse if you don't have it. I mean look at all those 20's in there, she won't notice. Do it, you pussy. Don't you want to be metal? If you pay for this album, I will take back all those times I called you a poseur. Seriously. You will be the only other person who managed to be true metal alongside me. It's gonna be sick. Together, we can rule the galaxy as father and poseur. I had you going there for a second. You will always be a poseur, don't you ever forget that. Buy it anyway, poseur:

5/5 Because the band that's just kidding on this list still makes way better music than the bands that aren't.  

Skinless - Only The Ruthless Remain

Skinless is a death metal band.

3/5 Consequently, this was a death metal album. Could always use more of those.

Leprous - Congregation

If you're not familiar with the band Leprous, then this album is as good a place as any for you to get yourself started. They're metal. They're from Norway. What more do you need? Obviously, you black metal kids are really gonna like it.


Paradise Lost - The Plague Within

Much like every other Paradise Lost album, this one's a day brightener. 

 3/5 Doom metal with haunting melodies, but you already knew that.

Kamelot - Haven

I have and always will completely hate Kamelot. Kamelot is like power metal music for people who don't like it too powerful. Just sort of a little stern metal, I guess. Whenever I need a perfect reference to discuss what could be wrong with power metal or what could be bad about a power metal band or song, I use Kamelot as the prime example. I'll say things like "this sucks, it sounds so Kamelot". Whereas other power metal acts showcase the badassery of a renaissance festival with swords, armor, knights, wizards, mages, dragons, mighty steeds and jousting, Kamelot would go there and be all about the frilly coats, powdered wigs, dainty handkerchiefs, feathered hats and lacy corsets. With that said, "Haven" isn't all bad. Kamelot's musicians are capable. Guitar work is solid, the melodies are gripping, but much like every Kamelot release, there's this inherent haze of gothic wussiness that can't be shaken. This overly synthesized softness of Kamelot's music brings about instant images of the eye-liner donning, pouty, soul patched faces of the fruitcups that play it. I feel like I'm being caressed by the soft fingers of a delicate man for 100% of the time when their music is playing. You feel that way too, and that's probably why you like it.

2/5 Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. You deserve equal rights just like everyone else. 

Faith No More - Sol Invictus  

Somehow, this exact song wasn't on there. Disappointing...

2/5 It's so cool, it's so hip, it's alright. It's so groovy, it's out of sight.

Chunk! No, Captain Chunk! - Get Lost, Find Yourself

I am going to start a petition to change the genre title of "easycore" to "softcore". Firstly, because "soft" is the proper antonym to the "hard" in the phrase "hardcore", since it is in reference to toughness, not difficulty. But mainly, because having to sit through this happy-go-lucky garbage is the musical equivalent of trying to wank it to Cinemax while the camera keeps zooming in on rippling dude ass.

1/5 Dude ass.

Gorgoroth - Instinctus Bestialis

I dunno. What could I tell you in order to convince you that I listened to this whole album and cared enough to form a well-rounded opinion about it? How about we say it's more of a Gorgoroth album than the last Gorgoroth album? It's more gooder? It's consistent. How about I say it's a solid return to form while still bringing a fresh new take to the band's sound? Maybe I heard something you didn't and that's just how I perceived it. That sounds good.

3/5 That seems like an inoffensive score that won't raise any questions.

We Butter the Bread with Butter - Wieder Geil

Oh god, full blast diarrhea right in my ears. You don't have to speak German to know every lyric is the dumbest thing ever said. This album can leck mich im arsch. Three songs in and it was a chore deciding not to fucking kill myself.
 1/5 Schei├če
Feared - Synder 

Ola Englund is a kick ass guitarist that I greatly respect. As a budding gear head, I follow him religiously on all forms of social media. It makes it that much harder for me to admit that in his extensive resume of metal bands, there isn't a single one that I enjoy listening to. Unfortunately, the band Feared is no exception. Synder is an album of such baseline modern metal, that even though it does everything right, I can't recommend it at all. This album, like all of Feared's music, is so aggro, so well mixed, so full blown thrash riffage and occasionally melodic and harshly vocalized, so chugga chugga widdly widdly. It's such standard post-aughts metal that it doesn't take any brains to be a metalhead who's into it. Each track just blended into the next one as I was listening. Before I knew it, the album was half over and I was already checked out. This is the kind of stuff that frequently ends up dominating the airwaves of SirusXM Liquid Metal, college radio metal hours, and cable TV metal music playlists. It's like the Nickelback of the metal genre. It's too easy and there's too much. Enough already. Can we call this the last album of its kind? Haven't we sold enough camouflage shorts and chain wallets?


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Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Violation: Misplaced Concert Enthusiasm

Once again, TNM descends into that deep dark abyss known simply as the heavy metal show. What a horrible place.

Events such as these are a mass breeding ground for the socially retarded and mega awkward. Individuals, who's thirst for raw brutality and unbridled riffage is only rivaled by their complete inability to maintain eye contact during conversation. I'm sorry, I take back the breeding ground bit. None of you poseurs are having any fucking sex.

You're all a bunch of mumbly dorks who have never quite deconstructed the proper way to engage with other people, much to your own dismay. In your frustration, you have immersed yourselves in the counterculture of Heavy Metal as a means to put up an abrasive front to others. You think that if you look and act like you don't want people to approach you, that you can convince everybody -- and more importantly yourself -- that your lack of good friends and connections with others is on purpose. You think there's just no way that you could possibly be so inept at interacting with others... these normal people just don't appreciate the badassery of your redundant wrist wear, skull tattoos, chain wallet, gurgly vocals blaring from your car stereo, and t-shirt with an eviscerated woman on it; right? The honest hard truth is that you're an insecure pillow soft puss bitch with wittle marshmallow feelings that your pathetic, feeble self doesn't want to get hurt. You and everybody around you can smell your repugnant, foul. unwashed loneliness underneath all that tough metal guy bullshit from a block away. Fuck you, liar. You dishonest, frail piece of subhuman shit.

That doesn't have very much to do with what I'm talking about today. I just thought someone should remind you why you're depressed.