Maintaining Your Metal Health

Hello all you mouth-breathing, bottom-feeders.

I come to you today bearing grave news. I’m afraid to say that most of you are sick, terminally ill in fact. Simply by going about your daily business you have most likely exposed yourself and have been infected by the brain cell killer, the most deadly disease to afflict the Metal community. I speak, of course, about Shitty Musical Taste, or SMT as it’s more commonly known.

Unfortunately for those infected, there is no known cure for SMT, and they are forced to suffer for the remainder of their lives enjoying and listening to shitty music.

This Public Service announcement is designed to raise awareness and prevent the spread of this terrible disease. If you suffer from SMT, please do your part to stop the spread of your shitty taste. Don’t discuss your favourite bands when conversation turns towards music. Keep your shit taste quarantined by avoiding voicing your opinions on Youtube videos, blogs, forums and other various forms of internet media, as sharing your opinion with anonymous partners can be unsafe and solicit the spread of SMT. If a friend or a loved one suffers from SMT, please do the humane thing and smother them in their sleep as demonstrated below.

Figure A: apply excessive pressure to figure B.

Of course, this is but one of many ailments that afflict members of the metal community, but it remains the only one that has no cure. Fortunately for you, there have been many great strides in the field of Metal Medical Science as of late, and there is a cure for practically any pox, pestilence, virus, illness, disease or mild discomfort that could unbang those heads which are born to bang.

No, I’m not a doctor, what are you? A pussy? I’ll tell you what I have, a degree in Metalology, and that more than qualifies me to school you sandy queefs in how to take care of yourself the metal way. Follow my patented procedures and you’ll cure yourself in no time at all, 100% guaranteed*.

*Individual results may vary. TNM takes no responsibility if you or anyone around you comes into harm by taking the following advice.

Head Colds/Generic Symptoms- Most people will tell you that the Common Cold has no cure and the only thing you can do about it is wait it out, of course these people are idiots and have no idea how the human body actually functions, so you’d best not listen to them. Those of us who are actually educated know that colds are actually caused by microscopic poseurs, which are mistakenly labelled “bacteria” by science. These tiny poseurs are spread through contact with life size poseurs and can be very damaging to the true metal immune system, what happens is that these little guys get into your system and start messing with stuff by whining that the other microorganism’s are being too rowdy in the nasal pit and that they should respect other’s opinion’s. This naturally sends the true metal immune system haywire; it doesn’t know how to deal with such concentrated falseness in such a sensitive area and as such clogs itself with mucus to shut the little fuckers up. What you need to do to get rid of these little guys is pretty much the same as you would for any poseur anywhere, figure out a way to eject them from the venue, don’t waste your precious time lying around in bed, sniffing eucalyptus like some fucking hippy, get proactive and kick that cold’s ass. In the case of head colds, it’s really quite simple, you just need to shake those little fuckers loose with a world class round of headbanging (Dark Angel’s “Darkness Descends” is most effective to achieve this) the microposeurs will be ejected in a shower of snot and metal glory, and you can get back to the business of being metal.

Physical Injuries/ Broken Bones- Medical Science has made many great strides in its capacity to heal physical injuries in recent years. This once again demonstrates just how weak and unmetal the entire field of study is. Why, why I ask you, would any self-respecting metal warrior want to limp around in a cast like some weak pussy looking for sympathy from complete strangers? Physical wounds should be a sign of pride for anyone, evidence of your past glories in the pit, trophies to show each with their own mystical tale attached; “oh, this shattered knuckle? Yeah I got that in the pit. Some stupid little kid was practicing his karate moves when I roundhoused him. Ripped his head clean from his body. They’re still looking for the skull.” Don’t heal your wounds, preserve them. The more gruesome the better. That searing pain you’re feeling? That’s good for you; it proves you’re a man. Puts hair on your chest. Can’t take it? Well perhaps it’s time you took up flower arranging and baking with the rest of the little girls. Next...

Terminal Cancer- It’s no secret that cancer is a ravenous motherfucker and for many people is the ultimate test of the human spirit and their will and determination to survive. This is no different for metalheads. Once it progresses to a certain level, there is little that can be done to halt the vicious onslaught of cancer from taking your life... or so they say. There is a rumour, (it’s nothing more than a rumour mind you, and not even metal medical science has been able to verify this) that there is a cure from even the most hopeless case of cancer. However, the task involved is so arduous, so mind fuckingly impossible to achieve that only the most glorious of metal brethren, the one’s fit to ride with Oden, would even dare attempt it.

First, one must make the three day long journey on foot through swamps of misery and lakes of fire to arrive in the Grim and Frostbitten Kingdom. Then, one must scale the sheer 5 mile high cliff-face fighting tooth and nail for every inch gained to reach the place of legend... The Castle Keep of Tony Iommi. You can’t relax once you get into the castle though; there you’ll have to carefully avoid the man-eating trolls, the surly guitar techs and the impatient tour managers to ascend to the highest room of the tallest tower, which is guarded by none other than The Ghost of Ronnie James Dio. If you successfully answer his three riddles, you’ll be granted access to the most holy location in all metaldom... the Inner Sanctum of Tony Iommi. There, you must silently creep up to his slumbering form and extract a single drop of sweat. It is said that Tony Iommi’s sweat is endowed with the power of the God’s, and that a single drop has the ability to heal any ailment and even progress Medical Science by a hundred years.

Of course, there are many who believe the entire trip would be in vain, as the fact that Tony Iommi sweats at all is widely believed to be an urban myth, but none of those people have ever been courageous enough to go up there and prove it, so you never know...

Beholdeth the miracle child born devoid of sweat glands.

Achage in the Rectal Region- Please describe your symptoms in the comment section below and I’ll be happy to assign treatments on an individual basis...

Hails

Mattassacre