Saturday, October 15, 2011

Maintaining Your Metal Health

Hello all you mouth-breathing, bottom-feeders.

I come to you today bearing grave news. I’m afraid to say that most of you are sick, terminally ill in fact. Simply by going about your daily business you have most likely exposed yourself and have been infected by the brain cell killer, the most deadly disease to afflict the Metal community. I speak, of course, about Shitty Musical Taste, or SMT as it’s more commonly known.

Unfortunately for those infected, there is no known cure for SMT, and they are forced to suffer for the remainder of their lives enjoying and listening to shitty music.

This Public Service announcement is designed to raise awareness and prevent the spread of this terrible disease. If you suffer from SMT, please do your part to stop the spread of your shitty taste. Don’t discuss your favourite bands when conversation turns towards music. Keep your shit taste quarantined by avoiding voicing your opinions on Youtube videos, blogs, forums and other various forms of internet media, as sharing your opinion with anonymous partners can be unsafe and solicit the spread of SMT. If a friend or a loved one suffers from SMT, please do the humane thing and smother them in their sleep as demonstrated below.

Figure A: apply excessive pressure to figure B.

Of course, this is but one of many ailments that afflict members of the metal community, but it remains the only one that has no cure. Fortunately for you, there have been many great strides in the field of Metal Medical Science as of late, and there is a cure for practically any pox, pestilence, virus, illness, disease or mild discomfort that could unbang those heads which are born to bang.

No, I’m not a doctor, what are you? A pussy? I’ll tell you what I have, a degree in Metalology, and that more than qualifies me to school you sandy queefs in how to take care of yourself the metal way. Follow my patented procedures and you’ll cure yourself in no time at all, 100% guaranteed*.

*Individual results may vary. TNM takes no responsibility if you or anyone around you comes into harm by taking the following advice.

Head Colds/Generic Symptoms- Most people will tell you that the Common Cold has no cure and the only thing you can do about it is wait it out, of course these people are idiots and have no idea how the human body actually functions, so you’d best not listen to them. Those of us who are actually educated know that colds are actually caused by microscopic poseurs, which are mistakenly labelled “bacteria” by science. These tiny poseurs are spread through contact with life size poseurs and can be very damaging to the true metal immune system, what happens is that these little guys get into your system and start messing with stuff by whining that the other microorganism’s are being too rowdy in the nasal pit and that they should respect other’s opinion’s. This naturally sends the true metal immune system haywire; it doesn’t know how to deal with such concentrated falseness in such a sensitive area and as such clogs itself with mucus to shut the little fuckers up. What you need to do to get rid of these little guys is pretty much the same as you would for any poseur anywhere, figure out a way to eject them from the venue, don’t waste your precious time lying around in bed, sniffing eucalyptus like some fucking hippy, get proactive and kick that cold’s ass. In the case of head colds, it’s really quite simple, you just need to shake those little fuckers loose with a world class round of headbanging (Dark Angel’s “Darkness Descends” is most effective to achieve this) the microposeurs will be ejected in a shower of snot and metal glory, and you can get back to the business of being metal.

Physical Injuries/ Broken Bones- Medical Science has made many great strides in its capacity to heal physical injuries in recent years. This once again demonstrates just how weak and unmetal the entire field of study is. Why, why I ask you, would any self-respecting metal warrior want to limp around in a cast like some weak pussy looking for sympathy from complete strangers? Physical wounds should be a sign of pride for anyone, evidence of your past glories in the pit, trophies to show each with their own mystical tale attached; “oh, this shattered knuckle? Yeah I got that in the pit. Some stupid little kid was practicing his karate moves when I roundhoused him. Ripped his head clean from his body. They’re still looking for the skull.” Don’t heal your wounds, preserve them. The more gruesome the better. That searing pain you’re feeling? That’s good for you; it proves you’re a man. Puts hair on your chest. Can’t take it? Well perhaps it’s time you took up flower arranging and baking with the rest of the little girls. Next...

Terminal Cancer- It’s no secret that cancer is a ravenous motherfucker and for many people is the ultimate test of the human spirit and their will and determination to survive. This is no different for metalheads. Once it progresses to a certain level, there is little that can be done to halt the vicious onslaught of cancer from taking your life... or so they say. There is a rumour, (it’s nothing more than a rumour mind you, and not even metal medical science has been able to verify this) that there is a cure from even the most hopeless case of cancer. However, the task involved is so arduous, so mind fuckingly impossible to achieve that only the most glorious of metal brethren, the one’s fit to ride with Oden, would even dare attempt it.

First, one must make the three day long journey on foot through swamps of misery and lakes of fire to arrive in the Grim and Frostbitten Kingdom. Then, one must scale the sheer 5 mile high cliff-face fighting tooth and nail for every inch gained to reach the place of legend... The Castle Keep of Tony Iommi. You can’t relax once you get into the castle though; there you’ll have to carefully avoid the man-eating trolls, the surly guitar techs and the impatient tour managers to ascend to the highest room of the tallest tower, which is guarded by none other than The Ghost of Ronnie James Dio. If you successfully answer his three riddles, you’ll be granted access to the most holy location in all metaldom... the Inner Sanctum of Tony Iommi. There, you must silently creep up to his slumbering form and extract a single drop of sweat. It is said that Tony Iommi’s sweat is endowed with the power of the God’s, and that a single drop has the ability to heal any ailment and even progress Medical Science by a hundred years.

Of course, there are many who believe the entire trip would be in vain, as the fact that Tony Iommi sweats at all is widely believed to be an urban myth, but none of those people have ever been courageous enough to go up there and prove it, so you never know...

Beholdeth the miracle child born devoid of sweat glands.

Achage in the Rectal Region- Please describe your symptoms in the comment section below and I’ll be happy to assign treatments on an individual basis...

Hails

Mattassacre

65 comments:

  1. Judas Priest sucks.

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  2. Hemorrhoid Grinder10/16/2011 11:19 AM

    Fucking faggot. ^

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  3. Metal treatment for Pink Eye

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  4. lol look guys i made another shit troll article on my shit poser blog this time i ghate on shit again cuz im a jealos poser eho doesbnt know anything about metal. btw im gay and i only like gay shit bich metal ya so plz stop reading my blog cuz i suck anyways. lol look at me im so cool cuz i think im a some viking and i worship satan oh no wait lol imk just a poser k

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  5. fuckyouposer10/16/2011 1:14 PM

    @brenocide yeah we know u fuckin poser seriosly fuck you and go kill urself! ALSO YOUR BLOG SUXX!!!!!

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  6. ^^Poseur not Poser- brenocide isn't some model. This post was also by mattascre not bren, so you might want to reword that a little

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  7. I thought this was TL:DR. It was actually pretty good.

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  8. Damn funny. LoL at the butthurt faggots complaining! XD

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  9. My step brother likes creed, and he said that "they rock hard". How do i cure him?

    Death by fire?

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  10. Midgard Serpent10/17/2011 8:10 AM

    @mike money The best cure would be to kill your whole family including him and yourself, as he is probably going to infect everyone with SMT. You're probably infected already.
    I wish you luck, poseur.

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  11. I like myself way to much to kill myself. Perhaps one of you murdering us all would work out better?

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  12. Constipation. Help me, sir

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  13. kingcarcas134910/25/2011 2:20 AM

    You want to know something i found funny?
    So i read somewhere that this guy "Malefic" is actually from a place called Alhambra, CA, which is about 2 neighborhoods North of me. The interviewer goes on to say "what's it like to live in the center of all things plastic" or whatever.....and he says something like "it helps with my necro music"....
    Do you guys know what that city is like? To a noob they would think it's just LA, but no it's actually more of a suburb.....a suburb with tons of Asian people!!! Now do you get the picture? Next time i'm over i might take a picture of a typical house....it's a trip to learn a guy like that lives near you, i thought they were all from Scandinavia.

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  14. kingcarcas134910/29/2011 3:26 AM

    You guys want to laugh your fucking pants off, go check out the movie "Until the light takes us" and go to the 1:05 mark......

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  15. @kingcarcas1349
    Mr scott connor's music is about as necro as an LA salon, so the location makes sense. Xasthur makes me rofl.

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  16. This blog is dying.

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  17. R.I.P. That's Not Metal.

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  18. R.I.P. ABME and That's Not Metal.

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  19. Running from the law11/04/2011 8:50 AM

    Dear readers of TNM, We have bad news. Mattassacre, Brenocide, and other writers for TNM have catched a serious form of SMT, and therefore can no longer write articles for this blog. Don't worry though. We'll just hire some random drunk thrasher to write for this blog.

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  20. The direct fall out of SMT, is directly caused by the colossal heap of awful music that the industry has pumped out in the past decade. There is no doubt that the majority of Metal music (if you can even call it that) on display is repulsive. Hence, all the poseurs.

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  21. Fuck this blog! Why hasn't there been a new post in over half a month? Queers!

    Come on Brenocide, It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!

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  22. Dear readers of TNM, we have tragic news. TNM along with the other writers, Brenocide and Mattassacre, had to stop posting due to a copyright infringement case which caused their accounts to be locked preventing from logging in. Rankin/Bass Productions filed a lawsuit against TNM for using the Thundercats logo without permission. They have been going through numerous court cases throughout the last weeks of October and beginning of November. When everything has finally settled, they will be back to posting on their feet ready to amuse their readers once again!

    Sincerely,
    Reporter

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  23. Who called it? Thundercats bro.

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  24. kingcarcas134911/09/2011 4:39 AM

    @Cyanide

    Your comments are always so.... exciting! Please spank me. *wank* *wank* *wank*

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  25. Okay kingcarcas, prepare for the anal fisting of your life!

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  26. Hey breniside did you died?

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  27. He obviously died.

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  28. I think fuckyouposers killed Brenocide.

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  29. @TE:
    That's what I'm thinking! But there's also rumors of them having to stop blogging until their court cases are settled with some stupid shit about Thundercats. Fucking Thundercats, a shitty cartoon. Wtf is up with them suing TNM over some stupid logo?

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  30. @Anonymous
    Than i think we can already guess what the next article is going to be about.

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  31. WHY DID YOU DIED :c

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  32. IS THERE EVER GOING TO BE A NEW FUCKING POST?!

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  33. Mmh.. It's getting pretty hot in here.. *puts hand down pants*

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  34. @FUCK TNM!!!
    Unfortunately, there aren't going to be any new articles on this blog because Brenocide tragically passed away about a month ago.

    RIP Brenocide

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  35. Close Friend of Brenocide11/26/2011 5:55 PM

    I was talking to Brenocide recently since I live next to him 5 minutes away. I asked him why he has not posted lately, he replied to me about some lawsuit over a logo. I have no idea what logo he is talking about. Would be kind of some of you to explain.

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  36. I just read in the news that he died after he tried to swallow the semen of three black guys at the same time. He died as he lived drowning in cum.

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  37. @RIP Brenocide What newspaper have you been reading?

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  38. New York Times. They even had a picture of his body with cum dripping out of his mouth.

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  39. Fucking hell! I've just spent every ounce of my free time within thirty six hours reading every post on this blog. I'm thoroughly addicted. Expect to hear from me often in the future. I have plenty to say on everything I've read thus far, but I feel like it would be a waste of time walking on to a battle field where the bloodied soil has dried up months ago and the reenactments are already attracting tourists. I look forward to future posts (especially violations), and bludgeoning poseurs with an iron fist. Thanks TNM!!!

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  40. @TechBlaster666
    Sorry dude but there isn't going to be any new posts. Brenocide died.

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  41. Anyone else stoked for the new Lamb of God album?

    http://www.vevo.com/watch/lamb-of-god/ghost-walking/USSM21102007?source=ap

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  42. @Cyanide
    Seriously? I just figured all those comments were people talking out of their ass. Does anyone know what happened?

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  43. @TechBlaster666

    He got raped to death by elephants at the Franklin Park Zoo in Boston. His body got gruesomely disfigured, stomped flat and drenched in elephant cum beyond recognition, so the authorities had to check the dental records in order to identify him. Also, open casket funeral service was out of the question. Sad, really. RIP Brenocide

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  44. Mmm... Elephant cum. Quality AND quantity.

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  45. Fuck you dude metalcore and deathcore fucking rocks.

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  46. Merry Christmas assholes, now fucking update already.

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  47. I smell penis

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  48. hey breniside your mustache smell like cum

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  49. Anybody going to The Warped Tour this year? Chelsea Grin, blessthefall, and Polar Bear club will be there! hellyeah \m/ x3 <3 hugz luvyall

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  50. ❤ Warped Tour ❤

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  51. R.I.P. TNM? Fucking Thundercats.

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  52. kingcarcas13492/06/2012 3:41 AM

    WTF? Did everyone go on an extended cruise to Cabo Wabo?

    Or did they get jumped by mallcore kids?

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  53. kingcarcas13492/06/2012 3:43 AM

    I have officially arrived! Some piece of shit posed as me for the first time! \\m//

    There is only one Kingcarcas and he will bring the wrath of Odin on these hooped earing trancecore crabcake posers!

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  54. kingcarcas13492/08/2012 12:21 PM

    So suck mah cock!!

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  55. Fuck it. I guess I'll just listen to Ride The Lightning and do my laundry. :-/

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  56. Hey motherfucker, fucking update already... fuck

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  57. Disregard everything, I suck cocks.

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  58. I've been coming to this blog bi-weekly since the posts stopped. Stories tell of Brenocide's return. One day there will be a new post, and on that day all poseurs will collectively shit in their pants, as a furious reckoning crashes down upon them delivered by the mighty hammer of true metal and satanic hatred of all that is un-metal. Eventually, Brenocide will come and deliver a new post unto us, so that we may be guided through all the shit that is thrown at us daily. Until that day comes, I will continue to study the lessons given to us before the posts stopped, and wait patiently until they once again flow from the fingertips of the unholy master.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sexy and i know it.

      Delete

All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.