Saturday, October 15, 2011

Maintaining Your Metal Health

Hello all you mouth-breathing, bottom-feeders.

I come to you today bearing grave news. I’m afraid to say that most of you are sick, terminally ill in fact. Simply by going about your daily business you have most likely exposed yourself and have been infected by the brain cell killer, the most deadly disease to afflict the Metal community. I speak, of course, about Shitty Musical Taste, or SMT as it’s more commonly known.

Unfortunately for those infected, there is no known cure for SMT, and they are forced to suffer for the remainder of their lives enjoying and listening to shitty music.

This Public Service announcement is designed to raise awareness and prevent the spread of this terrible disease. If you suffer from SMT, please do your part to stop the spread of your shitty taste. Don’t discuss your favourite bands when conversation turns towards music. Keep your shit taste quarantined by avoiding voicing your opinions on Youtube videos, blogs, forums and other various forms of internet media, as sharing your opinion with anonymous partners can be unsafe and solicit the spread of SMT. If a friend or a loved one suffers from SMT, please do the humane thing and smother them in their sleep as demonstrated below.

Figure A: apply excessive pressure to figure B.

Of course, this is but one of many ailments that afflict members of the metal community, but it remains the only one that has no cure. Fortunately for you, there have been many great strides in the field of Metal Medical Science as of late, and there is a cure for practically any pox, pestilence, virus, illness, disease or mild discomfort that could unbang those heads which are born to bang.

No, I’m not a doctor, what are you? A pussy? I’ll tell you what I have, a degree in Metalology, and that more than qualifies me to school you sandy queefs in how to take care of yourself the metal way. Follow my patented procedures and you’ll cure yourself in no time at all, 100% guaranteed*.

*Individual results may vary. TNM takes no responsibility if you or anyone around you comes into harm by taking the following advice.

Head Colds/Generic Symptoms- Most people will tell you that the Common Cold has no cure and the only thing you can do about it is wait it out, of course these people are idiots and have no idea how the human body actually functions, so you’d best not listen to them. Those of us who are actually educated know that colds are actually caused by microscopic poseurs, which are mistakenly labelled “bacteria” by science. These tiny poseurs are spread through contact with life size poseurs and can be very damaging to the true metal immune system, what happens is that these little guys get into your system and start messing with stuff by whining that the other microorganism’s are being too rowdy in the nasal pit and that they should respect other’s opinion’s. This naturally sends the true metal immune system haywire; it doesn’t know how to deal with such concentrated falseness in such a sensitive area and as such clogs itself with mucus to shut the little fuckers up. What you need to do to get rid of these little guys is pretty much the same as you would for any poseur anywhere, figure out a way to eject them from the venue, don’t waste your precious time lying around in bed, sniffing eucalyptus like some fucking hippy, get proactive and kick that cold’s ass. In the case of head colds, it’s really quite simple, you just need to shake those little fuckers loose with a world class round of headbanging (Dark Angel’s “Darkness Descends” is most effective to achieve this) the microposeurs will be ejected in a shower of snot and metal glory, and you can get back to the business of being metal.

Physical Injuries/ Broken Bones- Medical Science has made many great strides in its capacity to heal physical injuries in recent years. This once again demonstrates just how weak and unmetal the entire field of study is. Why, why I ask you, would any self-respecting metal warrior want to limp around in a cast like some weak pussy looking for sympathy from complete strangers? Physical wounds should be a sign of pride for anyone, evidence of your past glories in the pit, trophies to show each with their own mystical tale attached; “oh, this shattered knuckle? Yeah I got that in the pit. Some stupid little kid was practicing his karate moves when I roundhoused him. Ripped his head clean from his body. They’re still looking for the skull.” Don’t heal your wounds, preserve them. The more gruesome the better. That searing pain you’re feeling? That’s good for you; it proves you’re a man. Puts hair on your chest. Can’t take it? Well perhaps it’s time you took up flower arranging and baking with the rest of the little girls. Next...

Terminal Cancer- It’s no secret that cancer is a ravenous motherfucker and for many people is the ultimate test of the human spirit and their will and determination to survive. This is no different for metalheads. Once it progresses to a certain level, there is little that can be done to halt the vicious onslaught of cancer from taking your life... or so they say. There is a rumour, (it’s nothing more than a rumour mind you, and not even metal medical science has been able to verify this) that there is a cure from even the most hopeless case of cancer. However, the task involved is so arduous, so mind fuckingly impossible to achieve that only the most glorious of metal brethren, the one’s fit to ride with Oden, would even dare attempt it.

First, one must make the three day long journey on foot through swamps of misery and lakes of fire to arrive in the Grim and Frostbitten Kingdom. Then, one must scale the sheer 5 mile high cliff-face fighting tooth and nail for every inch gained to reach the place of legend... The Castle Keep of Tony Iommi. You can’t relax once you get into the castle though; there you’ll have to carefully avoid the man-eating trolls, the surly guitar techs and the impatient tour managers to ascend to the highest room of the tallest tower, which is guarded by none other than The Ghost of Ronnie James Dio. If you successfully answer his three riddles, you’ll be granted access to the most holy location in all metaldom... the Inner Sanctum of Tony Iommi. There, you must silently creep up to his slumbering form and extract a single drop of sweat. It is said that Tony Iommi’s sweat is endowed with the power of the God’s, and that a single drop has the ability to heal any ailment and even progress Medical Science by a hundred years.

Of course, there are many who believe the entire trip would be in vain, as the fact that Tony Iommi sweats at all is widely believed to be an urban myth, but none of those people have ever been courageous enough to go up there and prove it, so you never know...

Beholdeth the miracle child born devoid of sweat glands.

Achage in the Rectal Region- Please describe your symptoms in the comment section below and I’ll be happy to assign treatments on an individual basis...

Hails

Mattassacre

Being Happy

The following takes place on my 7AM train commute:

Happy Harry: “La la lalalalala I’m so happy and cheery in the mornings that I just want to shout it out to the world in an incredibly loud and annoying voice. Oh boy, I certainly can’t wait to meet up with all of my good chums so that we can skip and laugh and play merrily and make grand memories together because life is just so peachy. I can’t understand why everyone isn’t as happy as me all the time. La la lalalalalalaaaa”

Me: “Hey, can you keep it down? It’s 7 in the morning and I can hear you over my earphones.”

Happy Harry: “Uh oh, looks like someone’s not a morning person. Well Grumpy Gus, you just need to turn that frown upside down! Don’t you know that if you smile the whole world smiles with you? Now come on, let’s see that winning smile I know you’re hiding from the world. I just bet that if you wore some brighter colours, you’d be a bit perkier.”

Me: ...

--------------------------------------

9PM News: Police are still baffled by this astonishing case of a man having his head literally shoved up his own rectum...

Less smiles and sunshine and more of this.

Most people that know me wouldn’t exactly say that I have a sunny disposition, and for the most part that’s something I’m proud of. I actively cultivate an air of negativity in my life.

Why?

Well, firstly because being grim and morbid is metal as fuck.

Secondly, what the fuck is there to be so happy about anyways? Life’s nothing more than an endless series of commitments that demand all of your time, money and abilities so you can have the privilege of gulping down oxygen, paying taxes, electing brain-dead, suit wearing monkeys to lead you and eventually dying and being forgotten.

And thirdly and most importantly, happy people aren’t Metal.

Now, hold on to your seats folks, cos I’m about to go all Yoda on you. Happiness leads to optimism. Optimism leads to inclusiveness. Inclusiveness leads to complacency. Complacency leads to open mindedness and as we all know, open mindedness is the worst sin any so-called metalhead can commit.

This presents something of a conundrum. It’s human nature to desire to be happy and content with ourselves and our surroundings and we’re naturally drawn to those that exude good vibes because they’re usually just fun to be around. But alas, this is not meant to be, for invariably you will find that any happy people will at some point prove themselves to be unmetal. No matter how much true metal they listen to, it’s just a matter of time until they reveal themselves as what they truly are. Usually it’s in one of two forms, complacency for the shitty musical taste of others and intolerance for the thick headed elitist attitude of pricks like me. They just don’t get it. They’re just too chill and easygoing because they’re too happy to be able to uphold the high standards of an elitist, and as such easily lapse into falseness. They seem to think it somehow isn’t necessary to constantly berate and one-up your metal peers. They see metal as a community of like-minded brothers and sisters in what is actually a brutal struggle for supremacy with no room for friends or any retarded niceties.

That’s not to say there isn’t any room for positivity in heavy metal, it’s some of the most uplifting and powerful music ever made, but its music created in adversity and the constant struggle to triumph over that adversity. It’s based on the indisputable truth that everything and everyone is out to fuck you over and the only way you’ll make it is by constantly kicking life’s ass. Not with some happy go lucky smiles and sunshine care bears bullshit.

Perhaps “happy” isn’t the best word to use here, “optimists” or “nice guys” may be more appropriate, but I think you all get the kind of people I’m on about.

“But what am I to do if I encounter one of these insufferable cretins?” I hear you ask, (or at least I would if most of you held English skills above that of the third grade), well, the answer really is quite simple. As Metal elitists, it’s your job to ensure you bring a little misery into everyone’s day, granted, this is usually in the form of berating someone’s inferior taste in music, but we can make an exception in this case. All these nitwits need is a simple dose of reality. Let’s face it, no one is really happy, we all hate our lives to some degree and anyone who seems happy has probably just lied to themselves enough to convince them they are in fact happy with earning 50 grand a year, and that they’re glad they stopped smoking pot and playing guitar in order to go to business school. Fortunately, this makes it rather easy to shatter their fragile emotional state and break them down to the level of a helpless infant.

If you encounter one of these people in public and they attempt to cheer you up by interacting with you, just turn them into the bad guy by aggressively stipulating that you have every right to be miserable because you’ve recently lost your mother due to her being run over by a school bus full of handicapped orphans on their way to clean a bunch of baby seals that had also been orphaned by a large oil spill (or something along these lines to shock the smile off their face). If your next door neighbour is one of these people, bleach their grass so it all dies and they have to wake up each morning to the sight of a grey and lifeless lawn. If you’re unfortunate enough to work with one of these people, release a deadly strain of Ebola in their office and buy them a crappy gift when you’re their Secret Santa. Basically anything you can think of to get the message across that overzealous happiness will not be tolerated. Of course, there is an exception in the form of people who are serving you. When I order a coffee or something, I don’t want the person behind the counter to be some slouchy, grumpy fuck, that’s just plain rude; I’d much rather some chirpy, happy go lucky person take my order, because serving me should be a pleasure. Besides, they already have to deal with the general public, so you just know they’re the most miserable creatures on the planet on the inside, it’s commendable that there’re able to suck it up and slap a fake smile on their face when they give me my expresso.

I’m sure all this relates to being Metal... somehow.

Stick it up your ass sunshine.

Mattassacre

(i.e. not Brenocide)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Poseur Mail Saturday: It's actually Sunday. Who cares? Fuck you.


Verbal abuse will always hurt. Especially in your butt.
Is it that time again? I think it's that time again. That brief moment where time stands still and I decide to turn my attention to see what the poseurs have to say about this blog. Then you get see what I have to say back to them. Simple, right? Try to pay attention here, this isn't fucking rocket science. It's Rock It science, ya bitch:


Joseph said...
I would like to propose a question to the author, and anyone else that would like to answer my question. 
Why would you attend a concert if your intentions were to stand there emotionless, inactive, looking bored for 3 hours until the headliner plays?
This is where there is a major flaw in this article. I understand the main point "Play good music, or stop playing music all together", "Everyone is a poser but me"
The flaw in your 'logic' if we can call it that is this: you take absolutely no consideration for the fact of local bands, and the local scene. People that go to every show they can and have fun. A band doesn't necessarily have to be good to be loved.
It my opinion it is people like you that make the scene a bad place. The jackasses that stand there with their arms crossed the whole time and that "who just farted" face plastered on for hours at a time. Get over yourself.
People go out to alleviate stress and simply have fun. Who are you to judge someone for getting excited over the fact that a band is excited to play?
Why do you care if someone is screaming and jumping around.
Do what makes you happy.
Yours truly,
Someone that isn't a cunt.



That's actually a really excellent question, Joseph! "Why would I attend a concert if my intentions were to stand there emotionless, inactive looking bored for 3 hours until the headliner plays?" I completely agree. Why would anybody do that? I definitely don't have those intentions when I attend a live performance whatsoever. Believe me, I would prefer to have a good time, really. It just happens to turn out that I usually end up standing there for 3 hours until the headliner plays, completely unentertained, as no fault of my own whatsoever. You know who's fault it is? The band that sounds like musical tampons stinking up the stage, dumbass. Look man, I go to a show to hop around like a fruitcake fucktard and girly scream just like anybody else, and I plan to do exactly that when the band that I know for a fact is awesome takes the stage. Either that, or I will be pleasantly surprised by a band opening for them that I was not aware was awesome, and enjoy myself at that time. Don't bleed your anus all over my new linoleum floor just because I don't indiscriminately grab my pants and start yodeling with orgasmic delight the moment a warm body steps on the stage and starts fingering an instrument. Music that sucks will always be music that sucks. It doesn't matter if it's live or local. In fact, it's usually worse that way, because now I have fewer degrees of separation between myself and a musical act that sucks all sorts of mangy monkey meat.


Joseph, seen here when someone, anyone starts playing guitar near him.


So my "logic" (if I have the absolute audacity to dare call it such) is "flawed", huh? Well let's take your logic for a spin, Schrodinger. "A band doesn't necessarily have to be good to be loved." If I could make up an even dumber statement, I would. Alas, I can't. I don't know if anybody can. That probably takes the cake for the stupidest thing ever seriously said in the history of human speech. So let me get this straight; you love music even though you know for a fact that it blows? That's awesome dude. You keep doing that. I'm going to be over here with the rest of the people who have a fully functional brain. 


You see, it's one thing to think shitty music is good, but to know it's shitty music, and still like it anyway? Well, that's just beyond all comprehension to me and everyone smarter than you. So what if it's fucking local? Do you know what bands came from my area? Shadows Fall, All That Remains, and Killswitch Engage. Should I love those bands just because my algebra teacher failed one of them? You want me to go jam to some fucking ATR just because their members used to write shitty music or masturbate within a 10-mile radius of me? Why should we be forced as music lovers to hold some unwritten allegiance to our "local scene"? It doesn't really matter to me whether it's a bunch of guys in a garage next door to me or in a garage in Australia. If they're playing music that sucks, fuck them. "It my opinion it is" that I shouldn't get over myself, but you should get yourself over a bridge. Better luck next time, Joey. 


Anonymous said...
Fuck your shit, Wolves in the Throne Room kick ass live. Their fans are annoying as hell though, I'll give you that.


Yes, you are. You really, really are. At least you're honest with yourself.


toometalforyoursorryass said...



Hahaha! Stupid little cunt kids thinking you're elite. What a joke. You phonies sit there listening to your shitty black metal, but you have no clue what you're talking about. This is just another one of those phony wannabe elitist blogs filled with retarded articles about scene kids and metalcore. Haha, You idiots are not elitists, you're pussies. To achieve true elite status you must DO something for the metal community, not just sit there and talk bullshit about crap you know absolutely nothing about. Come back when you're a real elitist, kid.


So elitism is reserved only for those who "DO", (not just "do" with lowercase letters, which are only for pussies,) but "DO" something for the "metal community". Awesome advice fella, save for the part where you mention what you've done lately for anybody's community. You must have just forgotten to say, because it clearly sounds like you know what you're talking about. By the way, what's with you vag farts and your obsession with the concept of the "community" and the "scene"? What am I, in some fucking neighborhood I need to contribute to? Are we in a metal condominium? Am I supposed to look at the community board to find out what you need me to do exactly? Will there be a brutal town hall meeting? How many hours of true metal community service do I need to complete to achieve true metal status? Do I need to pick up trv trash on the kvlt highway? Do I need to attend metal assemblies at the high schools to teach metal kids about moshing safety? Should I go to a metal nursing home and read Heavy Metal in Baghdad to the old folks?

toometalforyoursorryass DOing his part, like a true elitist.
Obviously, I have nothing but questions for a hardened elitist such as yourself, good sir. I clearly have a lot to learn, and would appreciate your continued contribution to this page! My first question, after we get what good you are out of the way, would probably be why you would consider bands I have openly made comments about enjoying such as Dio, Manowar, Saxon, Judas Priest, Kreator, Sodom, Nile, Iron Maiden, Death, Amon Amarth, Accept and Blind Guardian to be "shitty black metal"? My next question would then be about where you get off wasting a perfectly good human's life worth of oxygen? There's a pillow up in your bedroom, bucko. Put your face in it and wait. 


breniside said...
hey im brenoside im very gay and i have no life i made this shit blog cuz im jealos on other bands cuz they have succes and money and talent and i will never have that so im just gonna hate ob shit. lol i hate deathcmetal and metalcore but i dunno why lol i think cuz im jealos on the bands and the fans cuz theyhave a life and i dont. i only listen to shitty gay ass black metal cuz i think its 'trooo metaalzz omg vikingf wizard medeieval satan!!!1111!!' but actully it sucks lol its just stupid gay shit an like mediaval crap lol sofuck me and stop reading my shittyass blog ok bye ps im very gay


To be fair, I guess I do say that a lot.

And for this next bit, I get to weed through a flood of comments that Richard Sjunnesson formerly of Sonic Syndicate probably posted on my blog while disguised as his non-existent fans. Long story short, Sjunnesson sent a bunch of his teeny bopper fans my way because he has the professionalism and integrity of a baby carrot, and is continuing his tirade against me and the blog despite months and months after I forgot he was still a thing. I don't really feel like bothering with the guy anymore, because at this point, I have more fans and I am more highly recognized in the music world than he is, but his cunthurt fans are still totally free game.

 Sjunnesson wanted to see what it looked like to be surrounded by friends who understood him.


Anonymous said...



I don't know who this guy to define a band taht exist aout mroe than 10years so
you 15year old-boy do what they did from 2000 then u can critize them.

This is nonsense
You judge them because of this one event
anyway you said:, "I couldn't really give less of a shit."
and
"I'm not still bragging about it. I'm not dwelling on it. I'm not even really all that proud of what I did to them. I've moved past it to bigger and better things."
then why are you cite Sonic Syndicate with THE SAME THING ALL OVER AND OVER taht "what a 'buttcore' band because they wrote a song about a disaster "
yes they wrote, at least they are creative
If U looked up some of their lyrics u would realize taht they CAN write good music
but anyway u don't care cuz u listen to one genre (what i sumamrized up reading ur post)and anything that IS REALLY metal (okay I know they have many melodic songs and that's more metal than the new album)you say oh taht's sucks because u don't like it

and the second mistake.
"He decided that getting rid of the screamo vocals for a more mainstream sound "didn't fly with this crow" and he moved on to different things. Probably because he can't sing anything but screamo, and didn't have a choice"
If u can ever put a one minute power to read his blog's first entry then u realize that's not what he decide to do in WRTN and tahts why he quit
read out twice what you are writing before posting them


I know this is asking a lot, really I do. But do you maybe, I dunno, want to try saying all of that all over again except with a little less... what's the word I'm looking for here... derp? I want you to focus really hard on your last sentence there, my anonymous friend. Even though it looks like you translated it through Google or something, it's still really great fucking advice. You should put "one minute power to" proof-read your comments. Afterwards, you can go WRTN all you want, or whatever.

I also love how everyone assumes just because I still have strict standards in my musical preference that there's no way I couldn't be a child. I guess 15-year-olds look really young and immature when you deal with them all the time at the age of 17. (Those fucking sophomores...) It's like when you become an adult, you're just supposed to give up on life and automatically pretend to enjoy everything, so you can avoid conflict and make everything easier for yourself. I don't need to pretend to love everything just to feel better about my life. That's what alcohol is for. 

Anonymous said...
this is actually pretty hilarious, part sad, but hilarous none the less. We have a kid, obsessed whit generes, so obsessed that he makes a blog about it to tell people they what is and is not metal. Calling people wannabe metalheads and posers but fails to see the irony in what hes doing.

Meanwhile hes critizing someones knowledge of the english language when he knows that person comes from a part of the world where english aint their primary languge while the only words he seems to have in his own vocabulary is "butthurt" and "retard".

Critizing someones music is fine but when cant do it without start making fun of the creators name cuz your to ignorant to understand, that just shows how you lack valid and intelligent arguments to back your opinion up. Or how you would put it "seems like someone is to butthurt to think straight"



I don't think you're a wannabe or a poseur, Anonymous. I just think you're retarded and butthurt.

With that said, I have absolutely no issue breaking down for you specifically why Sonic Syndicate is a terrible band. Making fun of the way he talks, looks and his queefy name is just a whole lot funnier. Seriously, you have to take my typical readership into consideration here when I'm discussing bands that aren't very good at making music. I don't really need to break down and explain why they sound shitty to the guys that read my blog. Most of them have ears that work. 

Blueflame said...
WHAT THE FUCK.
This is the most idiotic piece of bullshit that I have read in my entire life.
Honestly, this band's music saved my life. And Richard happens to be my hero, even though he left Sonic Syndicate.
You can't just listen to only one song by a band and then judge them. You have to listen to ALL of their music, old and new, to make complete judgements about them. You can't judge them based on that one song for fucks sake.

So you can shut the fuck up about my favourite band in the world and stick your ignorant head up your filthy ass.



Really? I have to listen to every second of Sonic Syndicate's discography before I get to form an opinion about them? Well Blueflame, you got me there. I guess no matter what I say, I have no clue how fucking terrible Sonic Syndicate can truly get. Do you really want to open up your favorite band to that much criticism? If that's the case, I absolutely accept your challenge. Send me your e-mail address, enough cash for a 1-Liter of Jameson Irish Whiskey through PayPal, and I will sit down and listen to every fucking Sonic Syndicate song ever. Then, I will write you a track by track review and send it to you. If I walk out of that situation a fan, I will gladly refund your money. Send enough for two, just in case. Screw it, just send me all your money. You're spending it on nothing but shitty albums anyway. 
Sjunnesson, pictured here with the fan that's threatening to kill me.

Anonymous said...
This gave me quite the laugh. You are such a person one loves to hate, just simply such a genre freak and hater that a person like me.. Yes I am mentally unstable.. would love to vandalize your body with my tools of choice. Why? Not because I am a fanboy or anything, just because you do not appreciate life, nor do you deserve it. One day I will find you and that day will be the day when a different shade of blue brings out the best in you..

Honestly, I have to admit. When I read this, a shiver went down my spine.

Then I farted.

You want to vandalize my body with your tools of choice, eh? Are you going to gag-ball me, strap me to a table and give me a harsh handie I won't soon forget? When you said "shade of blue" did you really mean "white"? Seriously, I'm very flattered, but I'm just going through some shit right now. A relationship, even if it would be strictly sexual, just isn't for me at this time and place in my life. I might consider it if you were really hot, so if you wanted to send me some nude pics to prove that, definitely feel free to. You seem pretty up front about getting naughty with me, but maybe we can just spend some time to getting to know each other first? I mean, I don't even know your name or anything. Let's just take things slow, talk a bit and see where things go from there? I'm saying all this on the preconceived notion that you are indeed a female, as it's totally out of the question for anyone with a pair of testicles to listen to the single most pussy metalcore band ever. I'm just taking that whole "fanboy" thing as a figure of speech...

Call me!

- Brenocide \,,/

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Agreeing to Disagree

This is the sort of inexcusable crap that happens when everyone stops drinking.


Freddy False: Why if it isn't my good friend, Petey! How are you this lovely afternoon?


Petey Poseur: Lovely indeed! And how about yourself, good sir?


Freddy False: I am quite content at this present time. Tell me Petey, might I inquire about this peculiar music of which we are listening?


Petey Poseur: Allow me to enlighten you, Freddy; this is a rock group that refers to themselves by the name As Blood Runs Black. They are indubitably my all time favorite musical outfit!


Freddy False: I see. Well Petey, I regret to inform you based upon what I am currently hearing, that I do not share the same sentiment as you in regards to their musical performance.


Petey Poseur: You don't say?


Freddy False: Unfortunately, they do indeed fall well outside my spectrum of taste. They simply sound awful to me.


Petey Poseur: I strongly disagree with you about this, but I can fully understand your point of view in not appreciating my personal taste in music. For instance, I find the art produced by your favorite band I Killed the Prom Queen to be nothing short of dreadful to behold.


Freddy False: Really? I'm trying desperately to hide my disappointment in hearing you say so, but it's simply in vain. I have always considered them to be the greatest act to have ever lived, and it never ceases to shock me when I hear that someone else doesn't care for them.


Petey Poseur: Shocking, but still the fact of the matter. With that said, you should fully understand that I respect you for enjoying them, and more than that, I respect them as a musical group. Each one of them has worked incredibly hard to be where they are today, have thousands of fans worldwide, and music that people truly care about.


Freddy False: Of course. Whilst your preference of music is indeed, vastly divergent from mine, I have no qualms with telling you that I appreciate the bands you enjoy for all the people they have touched, their skills in musicianship, and all of the great things they have accomplished in their lives. It is simply amazing no matter how I might feel about them.


Petey Poseur: That's fabulous to hear, Freddy. I know that you and I have a strong, everlasting bond of friendship that will hold resilient despite our greatest personal differences. I feel that differences are what make people special and unique. I adore your company so deeply, simply because I can appreciate your different perspective on so many things.


Freddy False: The same to you as well. Each of us is entitled to our own opinion of everything and anything. Art is, and always will be, subjective after all. We will always be friends and no disagreement regarding music will ever change that. Say, do you see something coming towards us just over the horizon?


Petey Poseur: Why yes, I believe so. Isn't it that Brenocide fellow? Doesn't he write that blo...

NO ONE SURVIVES.


Just this week I achieved 2,000 Facebook Likes for the That's Not Metal page. How could this have ever happened? Despite my constant efforts to enlist only the elitist of the elite to form the most glorious true metal army in existence, I keep acquiring a greater and greater number of what I can only assume are a bunch of dweeby jerk-offs who wouldn't know what true metal was if it guitar soloed all their loved ones into instant cardiac arrest and shat on all their pale-faced corpses. What do you think happened to me when I was young that made me so fucked up? Just kidding. My mom is still totally alive, and keeps calling me about the funerals of relatives I "should be" attending. Message deleted. Grandpa was an asshole who couldn't understand good music anyway. Save yourself 10 grand and bury his unmetal ass in the fucking river.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

TNM Review: Anthrax- Worship Music

It’s hard not to feel a little betrayed when a band you like (or used to) puts out a disappointing album. After all, you’ve put an emotional investment into their hands. You’ve excitedly snapped up interviews and read about how this upcoming album is going to be “the best and heaviest album we’ve released”; you’ve waited patiently as they’ve cock-teased you by releasing info of the album, bit by bit; you’ve put up with DELAY AFTER FUCKING DELAY in the hope that at the end, it will all be worth it.

They had 8 years to think of a better title.

If you go into Anthrax’s thirteenth studio album Worship Music expecting that the return of Joey Belladonna would herald a return to the thrash sound of the band’s heyday, I’m afraid to tell you that you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Forget Thrash, this isn't even a Metal record, rather, the record has this kind of “hard rock, Damned Things/John Bush” feel to it. You’d think Anthrax would realise that the world wants thrash back; every other thrash band from the 80’s seems to have figured that out, but no, not Anthrax. The songwriting is based in a mid-paced, melodic rock sound that would appeal to fans of Bullet For My Valentine, Asking Alexandria, et all, and call me a cynic if you will, but the whole album seems to be a conscious effort to “get with the kids of today”. That’s not to say that there’s no thrash at all on the album, but it is used very, very sparingly. Opening track Earth on Hell, for example contains some of the thrashy stomp that put a smile on my face and the first time I heard it, I actually thought I was in for a pleasant experience. Of course, I should have known better, for immediately following that track is the stop/start melodic butt rock stomp of The Devil You Know. I took note on this track that even after all these years; Joey Belladonna still has it in him to put forward a commendable effort on vocals, having said that, there was one particular facet of the vocals that was going to grate on me for the rest of the album.

And that was overdubbing.

Worship Music is plagued with horrendously overdubbed vocal lines, from “pseudo-massive” choruses that seem to be custom built with the words “radio-hit” stamped on them in big obnoxious Comic-Sans print, to irritating vocal melodies that Drowning Pool fans would probably love to sing along to if they could find their way out of 1999. This overdubbing is so obnoxious, so shamelessly “rock radio” that it’s hard to imagine any passionate thrash fans that wouldn’t smell the bullshit being waved directly under their noses. Crawl is probably the best example of this overdubbing, whilst simultaneously demonstrating how well Joey can do melody on his own without all the studio fuckwittery.

The middle section of the album is largely forgettable, just more mid-paced melodic cringe-rock coupled with a few musical interludes and a cheesy church-bell intro to In the End. It’s not until the final track of the album, Revolution Screams, that we see some more of the aggression that was promised oh so fleetingly at the start of this clusterfuck of an album. Well, I say last track but I’ll take this opportunity to openly address every band ever... fuck off with hidden tracks! No one wants to waste precious iPod space for 7 minutes of silence and a shitty punk cover at the end of their album.

Despite what many, more complacent, metalheads may be saying, Worship Music is by no means a return to form for Anthrax. If there were any justice in the world, this album would just be a final, embarrassing footnote on a long, seemingly never-ending, period of sucking and the next album be the real return of Anthrax. If however, this is the shape of further things to come for the band, then it may just be time to abandon Anthrax to the annals of history and move on with our lives...

TNM In-Depth Review: Opeth- Heritage














Sunday, August 28, 2011

The "Metal Expert"

A photo of a metalhead with glasses and a smug look on his face. Exactly what I was looking for.
You have this friend. Yes, you totally do. Even though we have covered how unmetal it is to accompany yourself with other people, you still manage to find yourself hanging around a guy that's exactly like this, often enough to secretly and severely hate him. If you're a metal fan who seeks out and appreciates the company of other metal fans, then finding yourself in the midst of one of these human losers and hating every second of it is practically unavoidable. The only creature capable of sucking all traces of joy from the most enjoyable genre of music in existence, the self-proclaimed "metal expert" puts himself on this advanced tier, high above everyone else on the heavy metal ladder. There, he resides in seclusion, within his very own ivory tower of "never fucking getting it."

Metal experts are easy to identify in a social setting. Once you start speaking with one, you'll immediately recognize the fact that they have gone through all of life with this severe misconception that "the more you know about metal, the more metal you are." Due to their delusions regarding how one should appreciate music, they spend the majority of their spare time (which they have in massive surplus), on the Internet, researching as many different bands from as many different genres and generations of heavy metal music as humanly possible. They fill what would otherwise be a completely empty head with a vast amount of knowledge regarding bands and music that nobody's heard of and nobody cares about, all in the effort to look smarter and more cultured than the next metalhead. For you see, this is the metal expert's only goal in life; to fool you into thinking that he is better than you are and better than everybody else. It is however, an incredible farce. There is literally nobody worse or less metal than this person. Nobody.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Metal Child Destined to Destroy the Future of Metal

Greetings,

Tony Ă–sterlund is a well known roadie in Finland touring with many of Finnland's finest bands including Hevisaurus... However, even more well known is his son Rony, who he parades around like a dog that can sing and dance to some Mexican mariachi tune. Yes we are talking about young Rony Ă–sterlund; the apparent "metal messiah" that was foretold around the world to be the future metal god and savior of n00bs.



(Left: Shagrath showing more love for the kid than his own possible soon to be "son" Weston Cage.)

















All over the web you find kids gawking "He shreds with Lexi for CoB... I want my kid to do dat!" or "That's how I am gonna raise my kid, let him listen to metal from day one!" Now, I am not going to sit here and blab like I am from Child Protective Services or some shit, however, what I am going to do is point out some "awkward moments" this kid is forced into and will most likely regret when he is older. You know, like skeletons in the closet- except everyone knows about them because your genius father made you a facebook page for everyone to see and included photo albums.

In fact, lets look at the blurb on his FB page:

"7 year old metal head from Finland. I like to hang around with metal/rock bands. I know at it's hard to believe at like it... but if you have meet me you know at i'n my veins flows metalblood."

Yeah ok DAD... That doesn't seem forced at all... In fact I wonder if the dad actually wrote that himself while drunk to emulate a child's form of writing.

Moving along, here we have a mind numbing video of Rony pretending to play guitar to shit-metal band Children of Bodom. Make sure to put it on MUTE or turn your speakers off before viewing. It's also worth pointing out that Rony seems to be watching his fathers instructions on how to jump around like a nu-metal clown by throwing his arms aimlessly in the air. His father's hand is even visible at the 00:25 mark giving instructions... Smooth.



Because Finland is a country that is governed by metal, shit like this, I am told, is perfectly acceptable. So since this kid's life is presented to the world, I have gathered some noteworthy pictures and decided to give my supreme elitist views on them.

Time to take a trip down Metal Memory (fuck-up) lane....




(Left: Tony-confused by Lexi's eyeliner, accidentally fucks up the metal horns...)















(Left: The second Dee Snyder laid his filthy glam-hands on this kid, he was doomed)







(Left: One of those awkward "don't show my friends that picture dad!!!" type of moments with Wintersun- a band that time has forgotten, and a band I could give a mangy rats ass about)








(Left: Possible first run-in with the law... The officers are most likely questioning why a kid is wandering around a metal venue full of half-naked/drug addicted drunkards, by himself)













(Left: Running the "Black Metal 10K". An event only held in Finland of course)












(Left: On stage with some band that isn't Horna, Ettenmoor, Behexen, or Sargeist, so it does not really matter who the fuck they really are)









(Left: Congratulations kid... You got to meet the worlds biggest asshole.)










In closing I end up feeling sorry for young Rony... Usually I spit on the image of youth in the metal scene, but I feel Rony is just the product of some demented metal nightmare. However his raging fan base tends to think otherwise. So have fun with your future metal messiah... I will be busy alphabetizing my vinyl...

Stay tuned to the ABME page as a Women in Black Metal III will be ready to be revealed soon. Also what to do when you hire a "second wave vocalist" who currently acts like a retard to be in your third wave underground band. Not to mention news on ABME expanding, hate mail, and much much more... all of course when I get around to posting it.



Regards,
ABME

The END...












(meanwhile... somewhere in Mexico....)


























...or is it???!

Monday, August 22, 2011

You're Not Supposed To Get Stoned Before You Write...

Oops.

But you see, as I sat upon the highest cliffs of this moonlit valley, beneath diamond-esque stars that soared and fell through the dark blue of the night sky, incinerating and inhaling only the dankest of dragon herbs, a bolt of lightning was thrown at me from the heavens, striking the top of my head and supercharging me with a surge of electricity through my metal and metal-filled veins, all the way into my brain.
Ok, actually that happens a lot and the results are pretty uninspired, and my guess is that this is really no exception. But here's what I just realized: You all think that you know good metal, and some of you do, but what I just realized is that everyone hears a shitty version of a good genre, and decides that either they like it or they don't. Now, the ones that DO like it are content with liking terrible music because it's what got them into the genre. It doesn't matter how you start listening to metal, you are expected to know what is acceptable to listen to and what is not. When you're starting out you can be forgiven for mistakes but don't you DARE be over 13 years old and listen to Black Veil Brides.
However, the other situation is that they hear it and decide they hate it, so every band that sounds even remotely like this one sucks and/or is gay. Also incorrect. Technical Death Metal is not false metal provided the music doesn't misrepresent metal as THE GREATEST GENRE OF MUSIC EVER.

Here's an example of BAD TECH DEATH:

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Homophobia


[Disclaimer: this is written without personal bias. I’m not gay, and for a long time didn’t feel the issue was even worth addressing. But as more and more readers try and resort to the “ur gay” comeback, I’ve decided to just explain why being gay is better than being them.]


Your eyes do not deceive you, homophobia is officially unmetal. Why, you ask? Well, glossing over the fact that not knowing the answer already makes you false, there are several reasons. Let’s go ahead and explore them.

We’ll start with the obvious: Rob Halford, one of the most important figures in metal, the reason your favorite obscure black metal band thinks leather and studs are so cool, is gay. Does this make Judas Priest unmetal? No, it just makes homosexual tubo-lovin’ more metal than heterosexual overcompensation for what has to be a 3 inch penis.

Compare:

Contrast:

But I don’t need to bore you with talk of Judas Priest (not that talk of Judas Priest should EVER be boring to you), let’s get deeper into why homophobia isn’t metal.

You’ve heard of Gaahl right? How about Euronymous? Both of them liked dudes. I’m not a big Gaahl fan but he pulls off the creepy black metal weirdo better than anyone else popular enough to get interviewed. Euronymous was largely responsible for pioneering what we refer to as black metal nowadays. Now, does the name Kirk Hammett ring a bell to you? You know he’s married with kids? And yet, way more of a fag than either of the previous two mentions.

But alright, enough beating around the bush, there’s far more to why it’s not metal.

Let’s break down (EW!) the word homophobia. Technically it sounds like an irrational fear of humans, contextually formatted to mean an irrational fear of gays. I’m not scared of anyone, because my trv metal superiority will protect me from any harm someone less metal attempts to inflict on me. Of course you’re saying, “But Xandemic, that isn’t what homophobia means. It’s supposed to mean fear of BECOMING gay.” Which I know and can answer like this: first off, you’re really strong willed if hanging out with a bunch of gay dudes is all it takes to get you to switch teams. If that happens to you then nobody wants you being straight anyway. Secondly, how would you even know? Do you feel an attraction to another man? REALLY. That sounds a lot like you desire sex with someone. Smells like poser all of a sudden. Allow me to remind you and everyone else that sex is not metal, so therefore you shouldn’t even notice your orientation, because you should be too busy being metal.

But here’s something nobody’s really talked about even though we should all be fucking aware of it, if you think being gay makes someone less manly (or whatever), watch the movie 300.

“But Xandemic, they weren’t gay in 300!” Yes they were, maybe not full-on “I can’t do the vagina thing” gay, but dudefuckers all the same. It might not have been shown, but homosexuality was a staple of the warrior’s life in Sparta. 300 was Hollywood making a movie about a comic book loosely based on an army of dudes that fucked each other on the reg. Before I had achieved trv metal enlightenment, I used to think that made them less cool. But let’s take a look at this:


So there you have it; Manowar is to metal what Spartans are to warfare. You’re not about to call Manowar unmetal, are you? Didn’t think so.

If that’s not enough, let’s look at some famous examples of people that are outspokenly homophobic:

They all look a lot like Darth Sidious. I guess that's kinda metal, right? No?

So, let’s review.

1, Rob Halford is gay and more metal than any of your favorite tuffguy brocore chugalug “I get laid all the time and can prove it because I write deathcore songs about it” bands.

2, Euronymous and Gaahl are/were also gay, and yet far less faggy than anyone in The Big 4.

3, Fearing anyone is not metal. Wanting to have sex with anyone is not metal. Since those are basically the only bases of homophobia, it makes homophobia unmetal.

4, The 300 Spartans all did gay shit all the time. But they’re the ones that look the most like Manowar. (Not to mention the fact that Iron Maiden never wrote a song called "Bill O'Reilly")

5, Many of metal’s biggest adversaries are fundamentalist Christians and therefore homophobic. Fred Phelps is the guy that hates gays more than anyone else, and he’s also the guy that decided to fly down to LA from Kansas to protest Ronnie James Dio’s funeral. The enemy of Fred Phelps is your friend.

Now that we’ve gotten that out there, it’s time for a new rule: fag no longer refers to someone that likes cock. It now means someone that likes bad music. In other words, some of you are probably gay, and many of you are definitely fags, but the two no longer have anything to do with each other.

Have a nice day, fags.

EDIT: Nothing is more shameful than admitting you're wrong. But I guess I actually did get my facts fucked up. It seems that the Spartans were the only Greeks not into man-on-man penetration (according to wikipedia at least). Whatever though, Alexander the Great > Leonidas anyway. Research that one, bitches.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Why Do People Still Care About The Big 4?

If you don’t live under a rock, you should probably already know that The Big 4 are set to play a once in a lifetime show at Yankee Stadium in September. It will be something that the attendees can tell their grandkids about. Like when Zeppelin reformed for that one off show in ’05, or like Elvis’ ’68 comeback special, it will be one of those events you just had to be there for. You could be one of the select few people who saw the Big 4 perform together on the East Coast... or the West Coast or in Germany, or Sweden, or Italy, or England, or France...


Super exclusive, one time only.

What’s that? There are rumours of an Australasian tour too? Oh... well... hrmmm. I guess if you miss out on this one, you can always wait till they come around next summer or whatever.

Now, I was under the impression that a once in a lifetime event was just that, something that occurs once. I know that this is the “me” generation, and you’ve all got to have your slice of the pie, but these shows lose more of their impact every time a new one is announced. What’s so special about seeing the Big 4 after they’ve played every other arena in every other city? Surely there’s a limit to the patience of even the most diehard fans willing to pay the outrageous ticket prices. How can you justify to yourself shelling out upwards of $200 to go see what is essentially a bunch of bands way past their prime cash in on their legacy?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Q&A V

This picture doesn't really have anything to do with anything. It doesn't have to, fool. THIS IS TRUE METAL Q&A.
You worms. So ignorant are you in the workings of true, glorious Heavy Metal majesty that of course you would beseech me of my inarguably divine advice in the ways of unbridled Metaldom. Sniveling weak fools, you be! How often must I turn to glance upon you and take pity on your fragile, pathetic existence to bestow upon you the greatest knowledge a man could ever hope to acquire? Can you even handle such complex theories? Is any of this even within your natural human comprehension? How quaint and whimsical I find your futile journey towards what you consider to be a true metal status. You have barely scratched the surface, my friends. The task of true metal redemption is a long and arduous one, with many obstacles, hardships, and especially temptations that will lead you astray. Nevertheless, I admire your ambition, and commend you for standing strong in the face of all that is false metal. To reward your efforts, I shall allow you to drink from the steel chalice of true metal enlightenment once again. This is the Fifth That's Not Metal Q&A, and it's going to rip your fucking face in half and pour lemon juice on your exposed muscle tissue before proceeding to set it ablaze.

And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? Cain answered "I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?" If the bible was real, which it's not, this would be the first time a man asked a question of God. In an extremely similar situation, here is the first question a reader is asking of me in this particular Q&A...

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

When There Wasn't Enough Metal on a Page Called "THAT'S NOT METAL" PART 2


As an elitist, it's only natural for me to stand atop an ivory pillar of pure metal might, that I myself have built miles above the heads of the rest of you pathetic mongrels. An opinion that is voiced on, in, near, around or about this blog that is not of my own, deserves about as much of a second thought from me as the sound of my turds kerplunking into a toilet bowl fortunate enough to be graced with the presence of my butt cheeks and lingering shit musk. It's no use, fools; I have the higher ground. I leave comments for my blog open under my posts, because I like to see my opinion presented exactly where it should be: standing high above a festering cesspool of border-line retarded complaints and undeniable butthurt. Without the assistance of sticky notes on your computer screen, your grammatically incorrect tirades will always literally find themselves beneath me.

Yet along with being the highest elite of the metal elite, I am also a philanthropist. I care about people, no matter how downtrodden and unmetal they may be. Just a moment ago, I squashed a fly beneath my thumb. He was so small, weak, stupid, insignificant and lived this life so void of reason or purpose, that I was instantly reminded of you guys, and I wanted to thank you all for the support! To show you my appreciation, I will continue your ongoing metal education with another post about metal bands I think are okay, as opposed to suck monkey taint.

Friday, August 5, 2011

5FDP Releases Homage to Capitalism; No One Is Shocked

So, I guess that some guy on Bloody-Disgusting.com talked to Zordon Bathwater or whatever his name is from unfortunate skid mark on heavy metal's underwear, 5 Finger Death Punch, about his latest insult to the true heavy metal spirit, NON-IRONICALLY entitled "American Capitalist."
"Bloody-Disgusting.com: Let's jump right into the new album, "American Capitalist", and, specifically, the title. What does it mean and how does it relate to the music?
Zoltan: First of all, we always liked the idea that the title could push a couple of buttons on top of being just a title. And I mean "pushing a button" as in we have something to say. Though it's definitely not a concept album, there is a definite theme that runs across the songs. I don't want to jump into analyzing the economy and politics and the various fields of social sciences, but it's kind of connected to the songs in a way that America adopted a form of capitalism that is very close to nature. Nature is pretty cool in that the way it works is that the strong kills the weak and it's a circle of life and we dig that theme. We placed that in today's society. We're living in a concrete jungle, you know what I mean? You have to go and "hunt," so that you can make money. Even though the process changed, the fundamentals are still the same. So if the fundamentals are still the same, you pretty much, humans especially due to the intelligence we acquired, have to make conscious of whether you're going to be the zebra or whether you're going to join the lion pride and go out there a maul a motherfucker! [laughs] It's just what it is, you know?! And we get a lot of flak from people who say, "This is bro metal," or "This is tough-guy music." And you know what?! Yeah! It's like, "Fuck you! I don't play music for the pussies. It IS tough-guy music!" I like that we play to an audience that share this idea of survivalism. And this connects to the spirit of the champion. You get the fuck up and fight one more round, no matter what! And that's what "American Capitalist" is about. I can definitely speak about this because I came to this country with my guitar on my back and nothing in my pocket. I came from absolute zero and kind of made it. I look at my singer who was a foster child. My guitarist was adopted after being found in the streets in some garbage. Every single member of this band came and fought for it."

So, if you've ever wondered what type of metal band benefits most from American Capitalism,

Look no further.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Temple Of The Black Moon: An In-Depth Analysis Brought To You By ABME

"...Imagine a cauldron bubbling over with the unsavory flavors of Tool and Celtic Frost, and seasoned with the likes of Immortal and At The Gates, and you'd be about halfway to describing the uncouth racket these guys have spat upon an unsuspecting planet."


Greetings...

Those are the words spoken from the new up and coming "super group" TEMPLE OF THE BLACK MOON featuring none other than Dani Filth. Dani- as we all know and fear has recently joined forces with The Artist Formally Known as King to put out an album that is not only a direct assault on black metal, but the entire metal genre as we know it. In fact, a post like this is so "un-black metal" I could not even ponder the idea of posting it on my own page.

Rumored about a month or two ago, Dani and King got together to discuss a very important topic... one that has been plaguing them for years now.

The topic at hand?

"How much it sucks being known as international metal clowns".

Unlike Dani, King does not have a bunch of screaming goth girls to boost his confidence and after being the butt of many Gorgoroth lawsuit jokes- the rage must have built up. Dani also having issues with the metal scene laughing at his ever receding hair line and height, felt the time for revenge was right. It was time to get payback on the unforgiving metal community.
It was time to form a
band... not just any band...
A BAND OF TOTAL VISUAL AND MUSICAL RETARDATION!!!




(Left: The original line up which featured an actual child to take away from the fact that Dani Filth is a midget)










This band would be considered a "super group" and would attack everything "true" to metal leaving only Cradle of Filth and Ov Hell fans left to roam the earth. However an attack on everything metal is a pretty daunting task... and we all know King is no stranger to falling on his ass after such feats. The two needed to fill in the gaps... they needed a complete band. Shagrath was rumored to play keyboards, but as we all know he is only capable of playing the same three to four notes in a row in repetition as heard on The Devils Path and Ragnarok's "Arising Realm" album. Dani then moved forward with taking current Cradle of Filth producer and worthless Anthrax fill-in Rob Caggiano to fulfill guitar duties. With time and inspiration running low, the three of them latter pulled John Tempesta's name out of a hat filled with random drummers. After John agreed, the band was set. The War on Everything Metal was at hand...

The band sent out their Grand Deceleration of War to the metal community via Myspace, but later realized no one uses that shitty website anymore and their message went unheard. They later got facebook/youtube/twitter accounts and restated their message; adding a demand for sleazy/easy women, cheap booze, a tour bus that shoots flames from the back tail pipe, and lots of money for rumored hair a restoration program.

The band further stated the reasoning behind why they chose such a stupid generic name:

"We had an innumerable amount of names that never seemed likely to stick, that was until we put our proverbial heads together and narrowed it down to just three or four, and then tossed for it (proverbially of course) using a silver Norwegian crown (we couldn't find any proper money). The name Temple Of The Black Moon represents the rigorous worship of desire, (the black moon astrologically has always held association with the dark Goddess Lilith) and of course the ramifications of the lunar eclipse, always a herald for death and ill-omen."

Now I know a lot of you cannot speak the nu-metal language that is associated with anything regarding Cradle of Filth, so I ran that last paragraph through my ABME Elitist Speak Translator (ABME:E.S.T.) and provided a translation below. Yeah, you're welcome.

Translation:
We couldn't figure out which name to choose because they all looked retarded. Rob's submissions were nothing more than band names that had already been taken such as Machine Head and Emperor. It did not help either that King lied to us about being able to read. His illiteracy became apparent when he was unable to decipher the differences between the list of names on paper as he spent an hour just staring at it making low grunting noises every 10 minutes
or so. We called him out when he finally pointed at the "Band Name List" title at the top of the paper and said that was his choice for the name. Essentially I (Dani) butted in and chose Temple of the Black Moon because the name sounds like some unused Cradle of Filth album title.








(Left: A fan made myspace "tribute" to this "super" group... Obviously made by a highschool aged girl)












Now lets take a second to dissect this "super group" member by member to see what is so "super" about it.

Dani Filth- Vocals: Best known for his receding hairline and dwarf-like appearance. The only member dumb enough to stay with Cradle of Filth since 1991. Also starred in a movie entitled Cradle of FEAR. The movie was allegedly banned in the UK for it's treatment of Dwarfs.

King- Bass: scorned ex-Gorgoroth member. Tried and failed miserably to take Gorgoroth from Infernus. Thrown out of the black metal scene in shame- only to join fellow clown Shagrath in forming Ov Hell. Still unable to understand the disgust coming from black metal fans, he then hammers the final nail into his musical career coffin by forming this band with Dani Filth.

John Tempesta- Drums: Random member of the band. Formerly of White Zombie. Currently in the cry baby goth band The Cult.

Rob Caggiano- Guitar: Known for being in Anthrax (post rap-metal era) while still unable to contribute any new and inspiring. Also known for producing some of the worst music known to man such as recent Cradle of Filth/Sahg/ill Nino nu-metal albums.






(Left:The bands target audience is estimated to be 95% overweight goth girls between the ages of 13 and 25.)






Despite all the brainwashed Hot Topic fan plea's; ABME predicts that this band will not be around too long. Remember the "black metal" super group Eibon? Of course you don't, but the band at one point or another featured Maniac, Fenriz, Satyr, Killjoy, and Phil Anselmo. Yep THAT Phil Anselmo from Pantera who has nothing to do with Black Metal. Turns out that due to Satyr causing some shit (most likely creative/money control issues), everyone left except for him. The band managed to put out one song and a few rough tracks before their demise. Twilight is another "super-group" that fell flat on its face. After putting out one mediocre (that is me being EXTREMELY nice) album, the band later reformed with a bunch of beardnecks and released a shitty disco album for their second release. If you ask me, Temple of the Black Moon's days are numbered.




(Left: Temple of the Black Moon need to take a note from "Super Group" history. Even if you do manage to make some music, it still is going to suck. Thankfully Eibon never took off.)



So with that said, the real choice comes down to you- the metal n00b. Will you run out to your local Hot Topic/Walmart and pick up the new Temple of the Black Moon album praising Dani Filth for his alleged "hotness" or King's "amazing musical capabilities"; or will ignore the embarrassing blackened slam-core release and give metal a fighting chance. I sure you hope you choose wisely...

Join me later on my page as we will be discussing interesting topics like Women in Black Metal III, weapons, Swedish black metal bands and much more!

Regards,
-ABME