Saturday, April 23, 2011

Metal Breakup Music: Dealing with Heartbreak the True Metal Way


I don't care if you have a cold, black, lion heart of steel. Love hurts. At some point in our lives as men, we're going to experience our hearts being torn to unrecognizable shreds by the women that we hand them to. Unless you're lucky enough to be in some fatal accident while currently in a committed relationship, this is a fate that is inescapable. Unless of course, you're one of those mouth-breathing metalheads who exclusively listens to death metal and avoids making eye contact with people or going outside. You're going to die alone, and won't have to ever worry about any of this.

Lucky you.

Of course, the opposite is true for the women reading this as well. Heartache is a universal emotion and it sucks more than sold out Iron Maiden tickets, (if the feeling is not one in the same). It's an almost unbearable anguish, and when one goes through a rather difficult breakup, they need about as much support from their friends and loved ones as they can get. As music fans, many of us rely on the power of song to get us through the painful emotions of love and loss. Fortunately enough, there are thousands of songs out there, many of which are incredibly popular, that are written about the feelings of a broken heart. Not so fortunately, most of them are a lot like this:




(Edit 2015) Or even worse:

 
Look, I know you're hurting big time bro, but you can't make everything worse just because you think listening to stupid shit like this is somehow going to help make you feel better. You have a reputation to uphold. She already took everything else from you, don't let her ruin that as well. Like always, your true metal guide and master Brenocide is here to lend a hand. Today I'm going to show you in several stages of emotional music listening, how you can utilize passable heavy metal music to help get you through this difficult time in your life, without looking like a total unmetal pussy in the process.  

So after she sucks you dry of all your worth and then casts you aside like yesterday's trash, your mind is going to suffer through some very strong emotions. Two of said emotions will be extreme amounts of sadness and hate. Sadness because you're going to miss her, all the times you spent together, and at this very moment, you're convincing yourself that nobody is ever going to love you as much as she did, and you'll be miserable for the rest of your pitiful existence. Hate because she's a foul, evil, rotten succubus for leaving you in such a pathetic and lonely state. So if Sadness and Hate are your two predominant feelings at this time, why not listen to a glorious masterpiece of the same name by Finnish shred titan Jari Maenpaa?


It's important to recognize what exactly you're feeling at this crucial time, and extreme metal band Wintersun is going to lay it out for you plain and simple with this song. This song is full of hate, and guess what; full of sadness too. After your breakup, the first thing you're going to be is impossibly depressed. I'll tell you right now, you're no less of a man for crying. You're only less of a man if other people find out about it. What you should do is go to your bedroom, lock the door, blast this song as loud as you can to cover it up, and then proceed to let it all out. You're probably going to look a lot like this guy on the Wintersun cover, sprawled out on your bed and weeping. Except instead of being face down in a pile of cold snow, I recommend you find yourself face down in a pile of cold Ben & Jerry's.


Speaking of Ben & Jerry's, if you're only going to listen to one band while dealing with a soul-crushing breakup, it better be doom/sludge metal outfit Crowbar. I don't know who or what damaged husky front man Kirk Windstein so badly in his life, but he's been writing discographies of music about sadness, loss, betrayal, hopelessness, and internal torment for decades now. Even his super group with Jamie Jasta is called Kingdom of Sorrow. This guy is just not a happy camper. I guess it wasn't easy being the big kid in school. Crowbar music is the quintessential soundtrack to laying around and feeling really shitty about yourself and as such, is mandatory listening during your healing process.


Yeah okay, I know you're not Spawn. But you don't have to be to relate to him and his feelings of anguish. He gave up everything and sold his soul to the Dark One to become a satanic powered super soldier, just so he could see the love of his life one more time. So did you... Right? Well maybe you did it for different reasons, but those harsh feelings of loss and sacrifice are still there. We just don't get sweet ass capes and gauntlets out of the deal. At least not for free.


So after your feelings of deep anguish and sorrow have subsided, you'll be left with feelings of bitterness and hostility towards your ex. This is perfectly normal, and who better than a band like Pantera to assist you in your rage? Don't take it out on her with threatening voicemails or death threats on Facebook. Caucasian, please. That dumb broad has demanded your undivided attention for months or years, the last thing she deserves is any god damn more of it. I also wouldn't recommend killing yourself for her, or killing her for yourself. Disregard those options completely. Just remove her from your contacts altogether and crank this song up. You should also note, that regardless of Phil Anselmo singing almost the exact same words in the lyrics of This Love, this song is the polar opposite to Michael Bolton's "Said I Loved You, but I Lied". Ahem... not like I would know anything about that, of course...


Continuing on with your advanced feelings of hatred and resentment, we have the tune "So Common, So Cheap" by Boston hardcore legends Blood for Blood. Yeah, I know, Blood for Blood is through and through, about as hardcore a band as it gets. Nevertheless, this was just too good a song to pass up in featuring here. (Let's face it, a lot of modern hardcore music is really just thrash metal without guitar solos anyway.) On a lyrical standpoint alone, it's impossible not to love this song. Unless you're one of them hos that spreads on the first date, of course. If not anything, this track is pretty hilarious, and you could use a humorous outlook on your situation at this point.




Don't lie to me. You would listen to a song along the lines of She Was Asking For It when you were still together, after she was done nagging you. With a big goofy grin on your face, no less. Take this time to listen to one of these songs now; bring up the negative feelings you had while you still had to deal with her, and remind yourself what you are now eternally free of. Feels good, man.   




So during your breakup, in forms of metal music we have confronted emotional stages of soul-crushing depression, betrayal, meaningless sacrifice, as well as hate, rage, resentment (and possible homicidal intent). It's now time to get over it, get off your ass and move on with your life. Twinkly fairy dust metal they may be, and 9 times out of 10, they're as depressing a band as the next. However, the song Paid in Full by Sonata Arctica is a great, upbeat tune about emotionally strengthening yourself, distancing yourself from a former love, and ultimately, moving forward without her. Giving you a positive outlook on what so far has been an entirely negative situation. It's the perfect bridge to carry you from being a butthurt, crybaby wuss, to becoming the stone cold, bad ass metalhead we once knew you as, before you got dumped.

There is one last step however, to complete on this road to true metal recovery. We must permanently mend your broken heart; crushed, violated, and weak it may be. With this next anthem, we shall once again transform it into a solid piece of rock solid steel, ensuring you are propelled forward, flying on the wings of true metal destiny, never to again look back...



Welcome back, brother. \,,/

Do you guys have any great metal breakup songs that you would like to share? Or just songs in general that helped you get over a tough time in your life? You can share them with me in the comments below, or better yet, Like the Facebook page, and share on the wall for everyone to see. Now forget the bitch and quit your pusscaking.


- Brenocide  

25 comments:

  1. Musically my girlfriend leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me, it's what got me into, Death/Thrash/Heavy and more, personally I found that I was listening to Like Fire by Bloodbath at least five times a day, just makes me feel much better no matter what's happened.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znQ7NK8YIF4

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  2. Nice one, and very helpful entry ;D
    I propose Ahab for dark stage http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSdWh8gaof0

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  3. "Es wird schlimmer" - Die apokalyptischen Reiter

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mqhq6HDNh8o

    Bad Translation:
    It gets worse than it is
    But we're getting better
    Than the sissy grey army of tired omnivores
    It gets worse than it is
    But we're getting better
    And when the time comes
    We sharpen our knifes

    Can't be more motivating, huh :D

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  4. Or you could be a real man and listen to Prostitute Disfigurement. lmao

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  5. " Michael Bolton's "Said I Loved You, but I Lied". Ahem... not like I would know anything about that, of course..."

    Hahaha! That almost made me fall of the dock into the bay!

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  6. Alternate solution: broness. Gather with your bros, listen to some Tank, and forget she ever existed because you have video games and beer, and that's all you need.

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  7. This^
    Also go running or lift some weights to get that anger out

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  8. Awww, I love my boyfriend and all, but if anything were to happen, I would soooo do this method of getting over him. I loved this post, and as far as the Michael Bolton thing: I almost died laughing.. that was great. :)

    Anonymous: Do you not see it says your post will be deleted? Therefore your words of utter wisdom will be erased from here... So why waste your precious HxC finger's time and post on here?

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  9. I think all forms of Doom Metal are perfect for this.

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  10. This is the best blog entry i've read in forever. I love you.

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  11. Great post! So fucking true!

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  12. MEGADETH-In My Darkest Hour
    Kreator-Hordes of Chaos
    Slayer-Postmortem

    fuck women.

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  13. I...whoa...I think I love you!

    That's a fucking killer list of tunes!!! No Opeth or Candlemass though, this should be rectified immediately. Also, Ensiferum's "Abandoned" is a great song to wallow in miserable loneliness to...uhhh...not that I know anything about that pussy shit. SLAYER!

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  14. Posted this on the facebook page but like everything there it got pushed to older pages too fast to get any attention. So here it is. The song is "Endless Sorrow" by Heathen Foray.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gLRJcq8u-s

    Lyrics:

    #ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
    H Heathen Foray Armored Bards
    Endless Sorrow - lyrics

    It is a day like so many before
    Only cold wind and rain behind the closed door
    Only darkness fulfills the saturnine room
    I am sitting lonely in perfect gloom

    I haven't seen the sun
    Since the day you left me
    No easy smile on my face
    It's not easy to be
    Never again
    I can feel your skin
    Tender and soft
    And pale like milk

    Now I can hear the winds outside calling my name.
    But they won't get me. Not yet. I will resist
    Someday I will forget you and this whole time
    I will forget you and I will surmount

    In past times we fought against the Darkness of life
    We stood forever together like one
    I thought that no one could ever tear us apart
    I never thought that it will be so fast

    [Solo]

    In past times we fought against the Darkness of life
    We stood forever together like one
    I thought that no one could ever tear us apart
    But I have to accept that now you are gone

    It is a day like so many before
    I will forget you and I will surmount.

    __

    Hope this post wasn't too long, but this song is fucking awesome.

    Keep it metal \m/

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  15. Man, fuck Manowar, but Sonata Arctica is perfect. And for Crowbar I'd probably go with Cemetery Angels, since the ending breakdown is perfect for knocking over bookshelves. Cheery breakups to you motherfuckers!

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  16. Holy shit, how could you POSSIBLY forget Lost Horizon?!? C'mon motherfuckers you gotta be kidding me:

    http://youtu.be/FcZAj1MPpeo

    Walking in the shadow of life's dreary side
    Fallen down memory lane
    Winds whip the world, just like the woes whip my mind
    Where is that time when "right now" was The words
    When the heart burned with will like a flare
    All I now keep is just damned commonplace misery

    Hey man! What is this?!
    Sounds like wail of a wimp
    Did you let loser side take command?!
    Where's the warrior in you
    And the spirit he got
    You say - "lost"
    No! It's somewhere inside
    And you know there's a force that unites all of us
    Leave the wasteland we together will!
    If you're broken, remember, you got faith within us!
    Take now your next deep breath and revive
    your old strength

    Facing the abyss of heart's lonely grief
    The bitch has polluted my soul
    Rains flood the earth, just like the tears flood my eyes
    Never again will my life be the same
    Nothing can heal up my wounds
    Guile and disgrace shall now follow me into the end

    I just can not believe it
    It's too weak to be true
    Have you really forgotten your worth?!
    Can't you see victory!?
    You are now free again!
    Look at me!
    Yeah! I live my own life
    If you once tasted treason from a female - leave that!
    Every warrior has a gash on his sword
    Don't forget you are metal, not some ass-kissing whore
    Take some under your wings, but she must kiss the ring!

    Winds of metal, make me once again
    feel clear air's breath blowing in my wings!

    I possess magic force
    I am free in my words
    Whole the world lays right below my feet
    Life of duties and dogmas are just frames formed by rats
    How'd I know?
    Hey! I'm a guardian of truth
    Now! Is really the time to wake up you old jade
    Such as Phoenix spreads his firewings
    I will help you remember by kicking your ass

    And the will shall return
    And again hearts shall burn
    All the horns now will sing
    Leading you back to the metal winds

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  17. What about Love's Tragedy Asunder by Demons and Wizards (Blind Guardian's Hansi Kürsch and Iced Earth's Jon Schaffer) [link]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mJMeQv3Uj0[/link]

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  18. Iron Maiden - wasting love
    Black Sabbath - Evil Woman
    Gorgoroth - Profetens Apenbaring
    Tankard - Hope
    Destruction - Unconscious Ruins
    Satyricon - Fule for hatred
    Slayer - Skeletons of society

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  19. I highly recommend Prowler in the Yard.

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  20. All songs by Katatonia
    Dispossession
    Ghost of the Sun
    Saw You Drown
    My Twin
    Forsaker
    Departer
    Tomb of Insomnia
    Without God
    Brave
    Murder
    Day

    You may or may not consider them metal, but they're depressive as fuck. I don't care if it's considered alternative/nu-metal either, if it is, then it's way better than all the other shit out there like Bring Me The Horizon, Asking Alexandria, Slipknot, etc. They're even better than Deftones, but they don't suck either.

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  21. Metalheadmuffin11/15/2011 8:25 AM

    Even though this is a post dedicated to guys...it helps me a lot..I'm a girl and I'm not the kind that breaks hearts and treats people like shit. :) I get treated that way.(No I am not ugly nor stupid) And well I'm going through a hard time right now so..thanks.
    It's so typical for nice people to end up getting hurt all the time I guess. :/

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  22. Ahhh shit... how come I didn't find this blog entry earlier!!!!???

    I've been in this pitiful state for like a month now, and it was blowing my guts big time. Then I found this list/tutorial (hehe) and it really got my spirits up.

    There are some songs I was listening to when it all happened:

    Sentenced - Consider us Dead
    Sentenced - Vengeance is Mine
    Kalmah - Moon of My Nights
    Katatonia - (Every single freaking song they might have... seriously, this was also in some other guys post, and it is so freaking true...)
    Eternal Tears of Sorrow - The River Flows Frozen (though it will only hook your soul back to that bitch... but anyways...)


    aaaand... well, I did go back to basics a bit and started with "This Love", that shit is meant to be digested with a freaking broken heart only (best served drunk...)

    I'm Subscribing to this blog now... this was sooo good to be left unnoticed.

    Cheer the fuck up and start dating in a few months guyz! (or girls...)

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  23. You are welcome to my music site. And enjoy free music http://musiclv.com/music-by-song/18207/play

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.