Metal Breakup Music: Dealing with Heartbreak the True Metal Way

I don't care if you have a cold, black, lion heart of steel. Love hurts. At some point in our lives as men, we're going to experience our hearts being torn to unrecognizable shreds by the women that we hand them to. Unless you're lucky enough to be in some fatal accident while currently in a committed relationship, this is a fate that is inescapable. Unless of course, you're one of those mouth-breathing metalheads who exclusively listens to death metal and avoids making eye contact with people or going outside. You're going to die alone, and won't have to ever worry about any of this.

Lucky you.

Of course, the opposite is true for the women reading this as well. Heartache is a universal emotion and it sucks more than sold out Iron Maiden tickets, (if the feeling is not one in the same). It's an almost unbearable anguish, and when one goes through a rather difficult breakup, they need about as much support from their friends and loved ones as they can get. As music fans, many of us rely on the power of song to get us through the painful emotions of love and loss. Fortunately enough, there are thousands of songs out there, many of which are incredibly popular, that are written about the feelings of a broken heart. Not so fortunately, most of them are a lot like this:

(Edit 2015) Or even worse:

 

Look, I know you're hurting big time bro, but you can't make everything worse just because you think listening to stupid shit like this is somehow going to help make you feel better. You have a reputation to uphold. She already took everything else from you, don't let her ruin that as well. Like always, your true metal guide and master Brenocide is here to lend a hand. Today I'm going to show you in several stages of emotional music listening, how you can utilize passable heavy metal music to help get you through this difficult time in your life, without looking like a total unmetal pussy in the process.  

So after she sucks you dry of all your worth and then casts you aside like yesterday's trash, your mind is going to suffer through some very strong emotions. Two of said emotions will be extreme amounts of sadness and hate. Sadness because you're going to miss her, all the times you spent together, and at this very moment, you're convincing yourself that nobody is ever going to love you as much as she did, and you'll be miserable for the rest of your pitiful existence. Hate because she's a foul, evil, rotten succubus for leaving you in such a pathetic and lonely state. So if Sadness and Hate are your two predominant feelings at this time, why not listen to a glorious masterpiece of the same name by Finnish shred titan Jari Maenpaa?

It's important to recognize what exactly you're feeling at this crucial time, and extreme metal band Wintersun is going to lay it out for you plain and simple with this song. This song is full of hate, and guess what; full of sadness too. After your breakup, the first thing you're going to be is impossibly depressed. I'll tell you right now, you're no less of a man for crying. You're only less of a man if other people find out about it. What you should do is go to your bedroom, lock the door, blast this song as loud as you can to cover it up, and then proceed to let it all out. You're probably going to look a lot like this guy on the Wintersun cover, sprawled out on your bed and weeping. Except instead of being face down in a pile of cold snow, I recommend you find yourself face down in a pile of cold Ben & Jerry's.

Speaking of Ben & Jerry's, if you're only going to listen to one band while dealing with a soul-crushing breakup, it better be doom/sludge metal outfit Crowbar. I don't know who or what damaged husky front man Kirk Windstein so badly in his life, but he's been writing discographies of music about sadness, loss, betrayal, hopelessness, and internal torment for decades now. Even his super group with Jamie Jasta is called Kingdom of Sorrow. This guy is just not a happy camper. I guess it wasn't easy being the big kid in school. Crowbar music is the quintessential soundtrack to laying around and feeling really shitty about yourself and as such, is mandatory listening during your healing process.

Yeah okay, I know you're not Spawn. But you don't have to be to relate to him and his feelings of anguish. He gave up everything and sold his soul to the Dark One to become a satanic powered super soldier, just so he could see the love of his life one more time. So did you... Right? Well maybe you did it for different reasons, but those harsh feelings of loss and sacrifice are still there. We just don't get sweet ass capes and gauntlets out of the deal. At least not for free.

So after your feelings of deep anguish and sorrow have subsided, you'll be left with feelings of bitterness and hostility towards your ex. This is perfectly normal, and who better than a band like Pantera to assist you in your rage? Don't take it out on her with threatening voicemails or death threats on Facebook. Caucasian, please. That dumb broad has demanded your undivided attention for months or years, the last thing she deserves is any god damn more of it. I also wouldn't recommend killing yourself for her, or killing her for yourself. Disregard those options completely. Just remove her from your contacts altogether and crank this song up. You should also note, that regardless of Phil Anselmo singing almost the exact same words in the lyrics of This Love, this song is the polar opposite to Michael Bolton's "Said I Loved You, but I Lied". Ahem... not like I would know anything about that, of course...

Continuing on with your advanced feelings of hatred and resentment, we have the tune "So Common, So Cheap" by Boston hardcore legends Blood for Blood. Yeah, I know, Blood for Blood is through and through, about as hardcore a band as it gets. Nevertheless, this was just too good a song to pass up in featuring here. (Let's face it, a lot of modern hardcore music is really just thrash metal without guitar solos anyway.) On a lyrical standpoint alone, it's impossible not to love this song. Unless you're one of them hos that spreads on the first date, of course. If not anything, this track is pretty hilarious, and you could use a humorous outlook on your situation at this point.

Don't lie to me. You would listen to a song along the lines of She Was Asking For It when you were still together, after she was done nagging you. With a big goofy grin on your face, no less. Take this time to listen to one of these songs now; bring up the negative feelings you had while you still had to deal with her, and remind yourself what you are now eternally free of. Feels good, man.   

So during your breakup, in forms of metal music we have confronted emotional stages of soul-crushing depression, betrayal, meaningless sacrifice, as well as hate, rage, resentment (and possible homicidal intent). It's now time to get over it, get off your ass and move on with your life. Twinkly fairy dust metal they may be, and 9 times out of 10, they're as depressing a band as the next. However, the song Paid in Full by Sonata Arctica is a great, upbeat tune about emotionally strengthening yourself, distancing yourself from a former love, and ultimately, moving forward without her. Giving you a positive outlook on what so far has been an entirely negative situation. It's the perfect bridge to carry you from being a butthurt, crybaby wuss, to becoming the stone cold, bad ass metalhead we once knew you as, before you got dumped.

There is one last step however, to complete on this road to true metal recovery. We must permanently mend your broken heart; crushed, violated, and weak it may be. With this next anthem, we shall once again transform it into a solid piece of rock solid steel, ensuring you are propelled forward, flying on the wings of true metal destiny, never to again look back...

Welcome back, brother. \,,/

Do you guys have any great metal breakup songs that you would like to share? Or just songs in general that helped you get over a tough time in your life? You can share them with me in the comments below, or better yet, Like the Facebook page, and share on the wall for everyone to see. Now forget the bitch and quit your pusscaking.


- Brenocide