Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Whining in the Pit

Wahh, why are you touching me??
Everyone who has been to a few metal shows knows that there's two ways to see a show; standing or sitting on the sidelines or being right in the middle of the mayhem; the mosh pit. Generally the band interacts more with the people up front, maybe because they're getting on in years and can only see the first three rows, or maybe because this is where the hard work happens and the band knows it.

Let's face it: nobody leaves a pit without a bruise, a scratch or the sweat of a hundred smelly dudes on them. This is common sense, but it never fails, I always get up to the front next to a whiner.

"I can't breathe!"
"This dude is stepping on my toes!"
"Quit squishing me!"

Seriously? You're crushed in with 500 people in a 50 square foot area, what did you expect? But whenever the lead singer looks over in your direction, you smile and give the horns and scream like you're having the time of your life, only to regress back into bitching into my ear when he moves over to stage left. The security guards will eventually become concerned when you start complaining about your breathing difficulties and ask if you'd like out. "No, I'm okay!" you respond, and spend a few minutes pouting to appease him. Maybe if you didn't use all that oxygen snivelling about your terrible circumstances, you wouldn't be so bad off.

Also, you're in the most desirable place in the entire venue. Everyone wants their chance to fist-bump with the band, and they aren't going to give it to you that easily. Did you really think that everyone would see how very unique and special you are and provide you with a one foot bubble so that you may enjoy the concert in peace and solitude?

Newsflash: Mosh pits are uncomfortable. They really are. In any other situation, this would be the worst time ever. Imagine if a doctor's waiting room was really a 4x4 closet, and they just put you in there with all the diseased mouth-breathers until they called your number. Awful, right? This is essentially a pit, except instead of just coughing on you, they're also grinding against you, groping you, elbowing you, headbutting you, or worse.

Personally, I love the mosh pit. That's where the energy is. That's where you actually get to be a part of the show. Plus it's like a big, sweaty, rough bear hug. What's not to love?

Whining about something you just paid good money to enjoy is not metal. So if you know that the mosh pit is going to be so unbearable for you that you can't help but bitch to whoever is pressed up against you currently, just take a seat on the sidelines like the pussy you clearly are.

- Erin


  1. Yeah fuck that shit! One time I was starting a pit and some bitch said she was going to punch me in the face. 1. It's not metal to bring your girlfriend to shows. 2.What was she doing with floor tickets anyway? They have a special place for false pussies. Its called the seats. P.S. It wasn't more metal for little bitches, but war metal made for vendettas.

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  3. Last show I went to, there was some pregnant bitch in the pit! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BRINGING YOUR FUCKING PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND TO A METAL SHOW, MUCH LESS THE PIT??? Guess the dude couldn't find the balls to just tell her he wanted an abortion and sent her to a metal show instead...

  4. ^^ Cheaper. Smart dude.

  5. On a related note: Sweet fuck, there was a pregnant bitch in the front row of the In Flames concert I went to.

    I could not fathom why she thought it was appropriate for her to be up front, with her visibly pregnant belly against the barricade at a show where 3 Inches of Blood, The Faceless, BTBAM, and In Flames were playing. Absolutely stupid.

  6. Well done Erin! If I hadn't known you were guesting I'd have sworn Bren had written this himself:)

    And yeah....a bit of a story...a long time ago at a Godsmack show when they were newer and not so derided, this 4' 10" girl decided to get in the pit with a bunch of fat, bald, and tattooed guys. Needless to say she got knocked on her ass a fair amount of times and even got clocked in the head. And had the nerve to scream at the guys that they were fucking assholes for being to heavy and strong for her 90 lb. frame to be in there against.I lol'd.

  7. It's always the bloody teenage girls that complain.

  8. Wanna talk about whiny bitches, try the ones that get pissy and start slapping and shoving you when someone decides to give you a playful shoulder to the chest in their direction! It's not like I chose where to go flying, darling, and attacking a 200 pound Black guy when you're 5 foot nothing and have arms like fettuccine noodles just looks silly in any context.

  9. Yeah! Shoving women makes me feel like a man! Stupid girls!

  10. When you are trying to enjoy an Amon Amarth show and some cocksuckers are smashing all the people up front into a fucking rail, it starts to ruin the show. If you want to act like idiots, GO TO THE PIT AND FUCK OFF

  11. Demon_Girl6665/10/2011 9:48 AM

    PITS ARE THE SHIT!!!!!!i dont care who you are, you get in the pit, you are gonna be thrown around and knocked out several times before im through with you. you wanna bitch about getting nailed in the face, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE DAMN PIT YOU FUCKING PUSSY!!!!!!!! go back to your mommy and see if she gives a shit if youre all beat up

  12. Saw eyehategod in Seattle recently and spent an hour and a half being fucking pommeled from every direction from big, sweating fans...AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

  13. I swear, after 5.5hrs of moshing I left the concert felling 10lbs lighter. All the fucking bullshit of working 8hrs on 3hrs of sleep, getting everything moved to my new apartment, and everything that goes with it was gone and I literally felt like a new man.

  14. the best are the dumbasses who think its a good idea to bring full cups glasses of beer towards the pit and then act all pissed and surprised when people run into them and spill it


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.