Whining in the Pit

Wahh, why are you touching me??

Everyone who has been to a few metal shows knows that there's two ways to see a show; standing or sitting on the sidelines or being right in the middle of the mayhem; the mosh pit. Generally the band interacts more with the people up front, maybe because they're getting on in years and can only see the first three rows, or maybe because this is where the hard work happens and the band knows it.

Let's face it: nobody leaves a pit without a bruise, a scratch or the sweat of a hundred smelly dudes on them. This is common sense, but it never fails, I always get up to the front next to a whiner.

"I can't breathe!"

"This dude is stepping on my toes!"

"Quit squishing me!"

Seriously? You're crushed in with 500 people in a 50 square foot area, what did you expect? But whenever the lead singer looks over in your direction, you smile and give the horns and scream like you're having the time of your life, only to regress back into bitching into my ear when he moves over to stage left. The security guards will eventually become concerned when you start complaining about your breathing difficulties and ask if you'd like out. "No, I'm okay!" you respond, and spend a few minutes pouting to appease him. Maybe if you didn't use all that oxygen snivelling about your terrible circumstances, you wouldn't be so bad off.

Also, you're in the most desirable place in the entire venue. Everyone wants their chance to fist-bump with the band, and they aren't going to give it to you that easily. Did you really think that everyone would see how very unique and special you are and provide you with a one foot bubble so that you may enjoy the concert in peace and solitude?

Newsflash: Mosh pits are uncomfortable. They really are. In any other situation, this would be the worst time ever. Imagine if a doctor's waiting room was really a 4x4 closet, and they just put you in there with all the diseased mouth-breathers until they called your number. Awful, right? This is essentially a pit, except instead of just coughing on you, they're also grinding against you, groping you, elbowing you, headbutting you, or worse.

Personally, I love the mosh pit. That's where the energy is. That's where you actually get to be a part of the show. Plus it's like a big, sweaty, rough bear hug. What's not to love?

Whining about something you just paid good money to enjoy is not metal. So if you know that the mosh pit is going to be so unbearable for you that you can't help but bitch to whoever is pressed up against you currently, just take a seat on the sidelines like the pussy you clearly are.

- Erin

of 74,000 Riffs