Friday, April 1, 2011

Stop what you're doing, and GO PLAY SWORDS IN THE WOODS

Where are you at this very moment? Are you rotting away inside a cubicle at work, having your life essence mercilessly sucked from you for a measly clump of pocket change every hour? Are you sitting inside your bedroom, blasting your stereo/headphones to drown out the noise of your stupid, worthless family, who you can't afford to move away from? Are you cramped inside a broken-down closet of a dorm room or apartment, sharing your breathing space with a polo-shirt wearing douche who you fantasize about murdering via pillow smother every snore he sucks in his drunken, stupid face?

Life sucks, and unfortunately, we can't always be at a metal show to work out these frustrations in the pit. That's why I submit that we all drop what we're doing at this very moment, and go play swords with our friends or by ourselves out in the wilderness.

What if you don't own any swords? Let me answer your question with another question: Why the hell wouldn't you? Swords are -- quite literally -- extremely metal. You can hardly call yourself a true metal warrior if you don't have the arsenal to back it up. Need I remind you, that the day is swiftly approaching when our metal masters will call upon us to declare war against all poseurs and false metal. Even if that day, which has been in the making for the last three decades, doesn't occur in our lifetime, it never hurts to be prepared. There is no time quite like the present to amass an impressive collection of medieval weaponry, if you have thus far, failed to do so. 

"But I don't want to look like a dork." Dude, you listen to folk and power metal. You're already a dork. Being true metal is all about not giving two crumbs of shit what the next guy thinks about you. Well... unless we're talking about other people who are true metal. Always listen to me them. If your br00tal buds have the decency to tell you that you're doing something that's unmetal and sucks, they probably have a point. But that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about something that is true metal and impossibly brutal. Hands down. If looking cool in front of chicks and your reputation with the in-crowd is so important to you, then get a haircut and listen to Dave Matthews. Good riddance, pussy. It's time to go swing some sharp objects out in a forest. 

Essential Step-by-Step Guide for the True Metal Swordsman:  
  1. Put on your most epic concert attire or medieval garb if applicable. Equip yourself with your trustiest blade. Bring a friend and a camera if you are just barely unmetal enough to still have friends.
  2. Find some woods, either outside your home or as far from civilization as you can reasonably get. Journey deep into the wilderness, marking trees with your fists so you don't get lost.
  3. Start swinging your sword around like a freak and striking br00tal poses.
  4. Repeat Steps 2 and 3 as necessary. 

I suggest marking trees with your fist due to the fact that spray paint comes in generic colors, and you could confuse your markings for somebody else's if you're not careful. You know your own knuckles better than anybody else, so this is by and far, the preferred method. Make sure to punch each tree trunk exceptionally hard to ensure a proper indentation.

Let's take for example, progressive Atlanta bible-thumpers Becoming the Archetype. They may be a core band to their very... well... core. But that doesn't stop them from properly demonstrating how one should go about playing swords in the woods and caves and stuff:  

I'd be willing to hang out with BTA if they knew to leave the ironic eye wear at home, and favored reality over Christianity. What is with you core bands and Jesus, anyway? I don't know if you read the bible like you say you do, but in case you didn't know, Jesus' piercings weren't voluntary. 

For a truer metal example, we'll turn our attention to Turisas fans doing it the only way you should:

Allow me to clarify that taking part in such an activity is not to be confused with LARPing or Live Action Role-Playing. LARPing involves rules, strategy, stats-building, and a lot of other nerdy garbage that you need not concern yourself with. The only rule here is to flip your shit with medieval weaponry. I think the stress of every day living requires us to blow off some steam by recklessly swinging sharpened steel around our friends and wildlife every once in a while. 

Do it. For your metal health. 

This post is dedicated to Michael Bessette.


  1. Pfft, fuck your forests. I get pictures of myself and my sword taken on a MOUNTAIN!!!!

  2. Pfft, so un-metal I actually am a Viking warrior

  3. Say, do you think Katanas are metal?

    They can slice a fully grown man's torso in seconds. I say that's pretty brutal.

  4. Baldness. Metal or not metal?

    I grew my hair out at 16 when my mum finally didn't keep making me have a skinhead, (She was the one who cut my hair. Barbers are for posers bro)and when it came out really thin and emo looking i shaved it off at 17, to start over. But it turned out, my hair was thinning BAD on the top. So i have to have a skinhead at 18 now because I'm balding. Which in turn makes me think I'm not metal for not having long hair.

    Thoughts on the matter o' wise ones?

  5. @ Thomas_Hardydudeguy I'm a pretty strong advocate of long hair, but shaving your head is WAY better than one of those shitty in-between short and long-haired justin bieber-like cuts... Plus, just look at Rob Halford, he's bald and metal as fuck!

    Just my two cents.

  6. And countless of bald members of metal as fuck bands EX: Dying fetus

  7. They are insanely expensive, i barely had enough for a Mosin Nagant.

  8. Shroomkillah8/17/2011 11:12 AM

    I would also suggest the video of Prehistoric Dog by Red Fang ... for the swords in the woods , not the baldness. Its funny and not core...even though its not metal either. Anyway...


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