Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"I Listen to a Little Bit of Everything"

This guest Violation post is brought to you by Alkahest, main editor and creator of Heavy Blog is Heavy. If you aren't familiar with HBIH, it is a fellow metal blog "dedicated to heavy music and all of its friends, featuring metal news, reviews, and other nincompoopery", as opposed to my blog, which exclusively focuses on the latter. You can visit www.heavyblogisheavy.com, "Like" them on Facebook, or found out how much Alkahest enjoys the taste of any given burrito by following him on Twitter.


"Yeah,  I like listen to a a little bit of everything, right now. I mean, I just love music, you know?"

I had the misfortune of having had to take a music appreciation class during my sophomore year of college. I had to fill some credit hours and it was required; it’s not like I needed some pretentious fuck telling me how I need to appreciate music more. It was out of my hands and I had to take an appreciation class on either Classical Music or Rock and Roll. My first mistake was the obvious one---I should have chosen Classical. That would have weeded out the musically retarded, at least.
No, I took History of Rock and Roll, thinking it would be an easy course and I could listen to music while I got real work done. Turns out the class was easy, but the teacher was this dumb broad who repeatedly referred to Flyleaf as a Christian death metal band and insisted that I was being unfair when I implied Jethro Tull shouldn’t have won that Grammy for being a Metal act. I couldn’t make this shit up if I wanted to, as I would be ill of myself for even coming up with something this absurd.

Despite being dumbfounded into an almost comatose-like state through most of the course (we spent a week on Run-DMC and Aerosmith while Black Sabbath weren’t even mentioned in passing), I vividly remember the first day of this class. The room full of mouthbreathers and I were given the task to introduce ourselves along with our major and music genre of choice. Just as I expected, I was to only one in the room who apparently had enough balls to listen to metal. The rest of the class rattled off their inferior genres (including an alarmingly large number of country and hip hop fans), but what was most interesting to me was that most of the females in the class gave the answer “I listen to a little bit of everything.”

Bull. Shit.

This vague and obnoxious answer was almost exclusive to the women in the room, which I thought was funny and did nothing but reinforce my low opinion of women and their taste in music (with the exception of Erin from 74,000 Riffs, who is metaller than not only most women, but children and small animals as well). Why anyone would admit to listening to Kenny Chesney is beyond me, but that redneck had big enough grapes to have confidence in his music taste, unlike these gals.  No one listens to and enjoys everything, especially not women.

I propose that women are attempting to do the following two things when they say they’ll listen to anything:

1)     Trying to seem open minded and intellectual.

Oh hey, this chick listens to everything! She must be really smart and open minded. I really admire her and her ability to find enjoyment everywhere. She must thrive for adventure and is open to new things. I bet she’s nice. Wrong. She’s shallow and worthless. If you love everything, your love is worth less, and prices go up. Congratulations, you’ve just inflated the market. How does it feel to cause thousands of families to not afford paying their mortgages? You make me sick.

2)      Hiding their asses and being vague in attempt to shift their taste in music to fit whatever guy they’re currently pining for.

I don’t know about you, but the first thing I do when I’m selecting a lady is taking a look at their taste in music to not only check our compatibility, but her intelligence and susceptibility to being converted. If she listens to Chiodos, I might get her to eventually jump ship into bands like The Dillinger Escape Plan. I like a challenge! Thrill of the hunt, you see. If a girl says she listens to anything, she’s really just waiting for you to tell her what you like so she can feign interest and have you buy her drinks. Fuck that.

So ladies, unless you have Lady Gaga, Opeth, Charlie Daniels, Cannibal Corpse, Bjork, Miles Davis, and 50 Cent on your iPod, I don’t want to hear your shit. Just tell me what you listen to so I can get on with my day.

- Alkahest 


  1. OMG he said my name!!!


    I think you're dead on. Actually, I've been known to mumble "yeah i listen to all kinds of stuff, mostly metal" at work because it's much easier and less time consuming to say "yeah i really dig cannibal corpse and i just can't get enough of bitchslicer". Which inevitably leads to a followup "what?! What's wrong with you??" in the wrong company.

    However, in a music appreciation class, you'd assume most people have a passing interest in pop culture and wouldn't be offended or surprised by ridiculous metal band names. So then it's most likely #2, I think.

    Also, I'd be the last to defend my gender, but there's something you guys have to understand about us: our memories are retarded. Dudes can remember baseball stats from 50 years on. I had a boyfriend who could recite the chronology of heavyweight titles from the 80s up till present, including which matches and how they were won. WE CAN'T DO THAT SHIT. Whatever part of your brain that comes from went to our overcomplicated vaginas or something. So when untrve metal ladies can't recall every band lineup change in the history of Megadeth, it's just our handicap at work, and isn't as telling as you might think. At least, that's the story I'm going with. Man, did I digress. *steps off soapbox*

  2. Haha this is dead fucking on. I'm almost ashamed to say "I listen to a lot of different genres" because I'll seem like some kind of indecisive amorphous(Amorphis? GEDDIT!?) tool who shapeshifts conveniently. Fucks no. I really do listen to almost every genre to some extent, whether it's a song here and there or full albums, but these dingbats are going around listening only to Top 40 and calling that variety or just to seem deep. Shit's getting real, and they're living in fairy land... Fairyland's a great band, by the way.

  3. My ex told me I was intolerant because I hated her rap shit. Needless to say, I owe an apology to Odin and the gods of metal for even having a relationship with a woman who was not into metal. Oh Johan how ashamed you must be of me...

    Anyway, I have since reformed. It's not intolerant to have taste. Being tolerant about bullshit isn't a good thing. Rap = nursery school rhymes + repetitive drum (and I use the word " drum " useless, it's more an affront to drums than anything). I can play four instruments and I'm an English major, so I'm way more eloquent than any fucking rapper. Besides, if the lyrical appeal of rap was so substantial, that would mean that metal lyrics suck. But they don't. They fucking own.

    So in other words, \m/ -.-

  4. Here's what's up. Metalheads actually tend to be on the more appreciative side when they want to. Bands like Opeth and Wintersun actually encompass more genres than specifically metal, but they're considered metal bands because their metal sections are what turn people who don't like distortion or blastbeats off. So, I listen to all kinds of music, because metal told me to.
    If someone tells me "I isten to a little bit of everything, but metal is my favorite genre." I'm inclined to believe them more than "Uhh, yeah, I listen to a little bit of everything...from Britney Spears to Led Zeppelin. I just love music."

  5. They usually mean anything that plays on mainstream radio and MTV.

    And god damn I hate that answer.

  6. In those kind of situations I usually answer with pretty detailed stuff, mostly to confuse people. "Yeah, I listen to a lot of space tech death and djent, and when its not that its gypsy swing."

    In other news, when I first met my girlfriend she said she was a rock fan, and it didn't take to long to realize that she meant Pink and Maroon 5. But I stuck with it.

  7. hey, ixenomorph, don't slam rap, fuckboy,we weren't directly addressing rap and you know it. cut it out, or I'll stab you in your clit with some glass and shit.

    to jim, i 100% agree, i'd rather a girl just pipe up and TELL me what she likes, i'm not gonna hate her for her tastes.

    my current girlie likes korean pop. that's fine wit me.

    Xan pretty much put that perfectly.

    anyway, as sonmeone who likes to make music that blurs the line on genres, i tend to be highly skeptical with that response unless they can legitimize the statement with a decent variety, not just "i listen to lots of stuff, rock, metal, and death metal"

  8. The only reason why I'm single right no, because I don't know one girl here that doesn't listen to TRUE metal. They call themselves metalheads while they spam emo statuses, listen to bullet for my valentine and seem to worship crabcore music. Fuck off. I've never EVER met a girl in my life that loves Folk/Viking/Prog metal like I do. NEVER.
    Am I asking for sympathy? Not necessarily, but it just pisses me off how some girls like to lower their standards to get a guy. Damn

  9. @Erin. Women's brains are built differently. They're programmed to only remember things like when we leave the toilet seat up or when you catch us glancing at another woman.

    On the subject of the class, I think I would end up going apeshit and walking out of there.

  10. I would love a class like that, just be arrogant about everyones opinion but my own :D

  11. My fiancee actually does this, but in most cases she's not very far from being right. She listens to Pantera and Slayer as much as she listens to any crap pop music she listens to. She likes bluegrass, jazz, indie music, some rap, oldies, classical... pretty much any type of music you name she likes something from it. But I definitely agree with this, especially the part about her shifting the musical taste to match a guy. My sister has always been one of those people.

  12. Great article. That answer always pisses me off, too, although I did know a dude (not a chick) who actually apparently did listen to a little of everything.

    The story about your class reminded me of a voice class I took in college. The teacher asked each of us what our favorite kind of music was, and in response to my answer, metal, she said (in a singsong voice), "We won't be doing that here. We're here to make music." I was dumbfounded, especially since some of the other music faculty were surprisingly knowledgeable. Anyway, that poisoned it for me, and it was the only time I ever failed a class.

  13. @Kelly if my teacher said that to me, I'd go apeshit seriously, what kind of a teacher is that. That just proves her lack of knowledge in music.

  14. Hey Tre,

    Fuck rap. I'll slam whatever the hell I god damn want. This is a metal blog. More specifically, a metal blog that defines what is and isn't metal. Is rap metal? No. So go fuck yourself and your wrap. Er I mean rap.

    There is no reason to be tolerant of aural rape like rap. There's also no reason to be tolerant of stupid fuckheads like yourself.

  15. @iXenomorph

    >there is no reason to be tolerant of aural rape like rap.

    Spoken like a truly ignorant person. There's more to rap than the bitches and hos bullshit you hear on the radio. There are some rappers out there that are real poetic lyricists.

  16. @Mike: We exist. But we're usually snatched up pretty quicky. :)

    P.S. Someone mentioned Fairyland earlier--I thought I was the only one who had a soft spot for cheesy French power metal. WOO!

  17. @Mike: hey now kid: we are out there, I promise.
    @Alkahest: I can't remember where I read this: classical music and metal have more in common then other genres. And: this is from a researcher who interviewed metal fans: fans of Motley Crue (gag) also listed top 40 as their other favorite music. Fans of Judas Priest (Yay!) listed Classical music as their fav. You should've taken the classic class. :) I grew up with classical music and love it.

  18. @pitbullgirl65
    Samuel Dunn's A headbanger's journey does brush over what you just said. Though I doubt that's the source you were referring to or thinking of?

  19. I'm a girl who likes Sarcofago, Sodom, Heathen, Tankard, Death, Morbid Angel and Evildead, and I still can't find a boyfriend who has good enough music taste so that I can date him. I'll never date a guy with crappy music taste.

  20. @Rick: yes, that's one source. It was also a book Running with the Devil? I think, that I found the poll results from.

  21. @Musicalwresling: girl hang in there. You will. It sounds shallow, but I can't date anyone who say likes Motley Crue or Metallica over say Slayer. Shallow, but that's me.

  22. I sorta give that answer a lot, I'll admit. But I also rattle off some of the bands at the top, such as Primus, Pink Floyd, Screaming Females, Parliament-Funkadelic, Electric Wizard, etc. If asked if there's a genre I prefer, I have to resort to the extreme umbrella term of "rock."

  23. I do like more than one kind of music (but nothing near so much as some HEAVY ASS MUTHAFUKKIN METAL), it's true, but I would never even think of claiming to like "a little of everything". I mean is that even possible? One MUST have SOME kind of preference - SOMETHING one simply cannot stand. For me the worst crap is that stuff that rhymes so well, especially with CRAP...everything? really? liar.

  24. That iPod description sounds exactly like my iPod.

  25. My Fiancee is seriously the only girl I've EVER met that truly does listen to 'a little of everything'. Granted, her main interest is metal, the most logical choice in music, being raised by a metalhead, and, of course, being engaged to ME, the most metal motherfucker you will ever meet, but she does listen to the entire gammot of different genres, much to my annoyance on somewhat regular occasions. Especially when she is in the mood for ICP... I swear they need to be burned at the stake...

  26. Your recounting of the music class is funny, because when I went to University, almost the entirety of the class were metalheads, and we were talking about Tchiacovsky and shit. when the course was nearing its end and Metal came up, but in the textbook it said that Black Sabbath was inspired by acid rock, 20 hands shot into the air to correct that. the next fifteen minutes of class might as well have been a Metal studies class.


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