Tuesday, May 10, 2011


That’s right, you heard me. Having sex is not Metal.

More than that, sex is the root of all things unmetal. Think about it. What is it that motivates every poseur, sellout, and skinny, floppy haired scene kid to commit such atrocities against the purity of metal? It’s the desire to get some of that sweet poon-tang. You think Bring Me The Horizon would have lasted more than a week if Oli Sykes didn’t make your 14 year old daughter’s (and also some very confused young men) panties wet? How does the old formula go?

Generate Funds>Acquire Bitches

If you sellout, you’re pretty much guaranteed some of the good stuff. So sod being a true metalhead, time to get some action, right? Well, you may not necessarily think this way, but rest assured that there are a cubic buttload who do.

Stop that. Right now!

Sex is not only the prime motivator of just about every non-metal being in the universe, it is also a powerful weapon to be used against true metal warriors. How many metalheads out there have been turned to the False Side just because their partner just couldn’t take them listening to music that was awesome? Would you give up Metal in order to be with that certain someone who gave you that good feeling in your special place? I know there are some of you reading this right now that would seriously consider it (you should be castrated for thinking such blasphemy btw).

Let’s move away from psychological motivators for a second and focus on the falseness on the act of committing coitus itself.

It's important to know the enemy.

I want you to think back to your first time. Just close your eyes and regress back with me. What are you? 15? 18? 24? Doesn’t matter. I know how you’re feeling. You’re feeling excited, exposed, and more vulnerable than you’ve let yourself be with anyone before; except your mother, but those are some mental issues that years of therapy have worked out. Your heart is racing, your palms are sweating, and, just as you feel you can’t take it anymore, your partner enters the room. He and/or she (depending on your preference) undresses slowly and invites you to join them on the bed. The next three minutes are a blur in your memory, but what you do remember is the look of indignation on your partners face as you awkwardly fumbled around with bits and bobs that are completely alien to you. Then comes the white hot moment of ecstasy which is followed immediately by a tsunami of shame, a surge of guilt and a spurt of inadequacy that threatens to engulf your ego and pride in one gulp. Apologies are made, but the damage is already done.

Now, let me ask you, does any of that sound in the least bit metal? I didn’t think so.

When you allow yourself to become that intimate with someone, you’re stripping away every last piece of your proud elitist armour, and exposing the shrivelled pink lump of flesh that lies within. You’re no longer the ivory tower of metal superiority you usually are, you’ve actually allowed yourself to appear vulnerable in front of another person.

That’s the Iron Rule. The one facet of elitism that stands above all others. You are supposed to be better than everyone else. And you've just broken the Iron Rule.

Now, before you lot shake your horny little fists at me, let me explain something. You see, I view Heavy Metal as a religion (except y’know, it actually has relevance to real life.) and in every major religion, there is always an unattainable state, a Nirvana, something that everyone should strive to achieve, no matter how impossible the task.

In Heavy Metal, that state is never having sex. However, it’s not enough to simply not get any sex, (that would be far too easy for some of you) an individual truly enlightened in the way of metal has absolutely no desire to have sex. In other words, they get themselves off on how metal they are.

Metal. Better than sex? I think so.

I should probably mention that there is no one that has successfully achieved this. Not once in the history of Heavy Metal has there been one individual that has overcome the temptation to have sex. Dio came pretty close when he intentionally made “Angry Machines”, it looked like he was never going to get laid again, but then he went and spoiled it by making “Magica” and suddenly, the chicks were all over him again.

Dem bitches love Magica

I’m well aware of how weak willed you lot are, so in light of these facts, I’ve come up with a few ways to make your nookie time as Metal as possible:

1. Play Metal during sex- hurr durr, this one is obvious. Hopefully though, you can begin a physiological reprogramming process. If you listen to Reign in Blood while doing the dirty, you’ll eventually start to equate listening to it with getting off. Soon, you’ll be able to phase out the part where you actually have sex, and just get the same amount of pleasure from just listening to the album.

2. Make the experience as unpleasant for your partner as possible- If someone has a bad sexual experience with you, it will be unlikely that they will want to do it with you again, thus lowering the risk of you giving in to temptation. So don’t bathe for days, headbang during sex, deliberately call out someone else’s name; it’s all good.

3. Make it last as quickly as you can- get it over with fast. Spend more time being metal. Should be easy enough for some of you right?

If you follow these three easy instructions, you’ll be one step closer to ridding yourself of temptation and becoming a True Metal Warrior that listens to his Heart of Steel and not his Tiny Dick.

Disclaimer- The thoughts and opinions expressed by the Author are in no way a reflection of his ability to get laid or any lack thereof. This article was written with the intention of helping poor sods such as yourself, so shut your fat gobs.


  1. avocadobride5/10/2011 4:06 AM

    omg lol u r liek such a loser lol

    u say we cnt get layd wen u r teh 1 who is gay lol

  2. Nice Spelling avocadobride ...

    This article was just awesome, i laughed really hard sometimes.
    Keep up the good work.

  3. All that I have to say is that if there are really people out there that would give up music they like just because some peice of ass doesn't like it they are worse than unmetal. They are weak willed, pathetic shells of people. That's not to say that you should only date someone with the exact same musical taste you have, otherwise you wouldn't grow and develop a more sophisticated taste (even if it does just mean figuring out what the hell you DON'T like). My husband and I don't always agree on music, but I keep my music on my ipod, and he keeps his music on his. I don't play my music on his car stereo, and he doesn't use my computer. Sacrifice is important, but not when it comes to music. You should listen to what speaks to you, and I guarantee that when the little lady (slut) breaks your heart you aren't going to know what to do, because you threw out all your metal cds to make room for her Pussycat Dolls obsession.
    First time saying anything (after all, noone on the internet really cares what anyone else has to say), but I love the site, and this article was phenomenal. Keep it up.

  4. Is sex with Arch Enemy's Angela considered unmetal too?

  5. I think you're on to something with not having sex being related to elitism. Hitler never had sex his whole life and he is the ultimate elitist. Great read.

  6. Haha. I think that SELLING your music with sex is unmetal, but just doing it is almost as good as listening to some Real Metal. This article is funny.

  7. The pope must be really metal.

  8. But... what?

    What about rape?

  9. Well I guess I'm just not ready for full metalness yet. If ever. But loved the article :P

  10. Hey, what about The Mentors? Then again, they did call their music rape rock, not heavy metal...

  11. Well, good idea, but could use some expansion. Questions I have:
    If your partner is also really into metal?
    If you are doing BDSM stuff (on top of course)? You cannot claim that tying people up then fucking them is not metal.
    If you are not vulnerable? IE you do it for the pure physical characteristic of it and not the emotional?
    What if you are very good at sex (for instance, not to brag but I can last indefinitely and give my partner multiple orgasms) and you take the position of dominance throughout, and do not feel shame/guilt afterwards?
    These situations all seem pretty metal to me.

  12. Well, Blackminor I kept it simple, as it gets rather complex the further you delve into the subject. Most of your questions come down to judgement calls and what kind of elitist you are.
    For example, when it comes to BDSM and dominance, you're gonna have to find someone who's into that sort of stuff. Which means that they're gonna get off on being dominated as much as you are on dominating them. Someone who gets off on being dominated doesn't sound very metal to me. Are you willing to be with someone unmetal?
    Now, if you can live with that, that's 100% up to you, but personally, I'm far too much a selfish prick to allow anybody except me gain pleasure from my actions.

  13. Is it metal if I lost my virginity in a Megadeth t-shirt?

  14. Hey! You forgot us straight women who read this. How about a picture for us to eyefuck? (Cronos. I love him. Would eat and crawl over broken glass for him. Period.)

    1. AngelOfDestruction66/11/2012 11:01 AM


  15. DANZIGDANZIG5/16/2011 6:09 PM

    ^What do you mean? Danzig's totally eyefuckable

  16. I think the band who wrote Pleasure Slave would disagree with this, just sayin. Also, I have never been vulnerable during sex, I've either been fucking amazing or in a hurry. However, I must agree that being pussywhipped is extremely unmetal.

  17. Haha This shit was funny.

    But sex could be seen as metal..you can't honestly tell me that when you think of Conan the Barbarian takin any female he wants and nailing them isn't metal..shits fucking metal and badass haha.

  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

  19. Sex and metal... What could be better than to find a girl that likes metal? In the other hand, if you abandon metal for a chick, why the hell you begin listening to metal?

  20. This article is, for one thing, written by someone who girls think is gross and woulnt touch. Sour grapes I guess.
    And two, a very very poor attempt to rip off Maddox style writing (this can also be said for the rest of this stupid website)

    Im sure youll chalk this up to being "butthurt". Knock your self out, the fact is your a sad lonley sheep. Just like all the rest of the "lifestyle" douchbags all over the world. Hope you like mommys basement, it seems to be in youre future for a while.
    Get a life you fucking loser.

  21. You think you're hot shit just because your mom lets you sleep upstairs.

  22. sex is very metal - but only for me. the rest of you poseurs need to stay away from it.

  23. no respectable metalhead has done this because it's not metal to avoid sexuality. it's ignorant, fearful of biology, fearful of the abstract, and a meek denial of ones own desires. i would say it's unmetal to fuck for the sake of attachment, or for something like keeping up a front of heterosexuality, or like giving in to peer pressure, but sex when you want it is true.
    my first time was in the woods in winter. it was an expression of wanton, primal carnal gratification. in the end, the permafrost had scraped my knees to the meat and worked its way deep into her cunt. we did this as two humans celebrating individuality and natural law, unbound by morality.
    then there was the time i had hatesex with a girl who was menstruating. we listened to hellhammer's "triumph of death" and took turns strangling each other, getting close to the realm beyond, intensifying sensation and detaching ourselves from the physical realm. when she came, "bloody pussies" was playing.

    you're being dethroned, dude.

    even if this was just trolling, it's too retarded to be allowed.

  24. True true and true. I had to flip perspective cause as a chick that likes brutal death metal, I have no problem getting laid, and I don't have to compromise my integrity, but I sympathize with metal dudes cause there aren't many chicks at ANY show I go to.
    oh and avocadobride...what language are you speaking? Google translate couldn't figure it out. Must be some special mesh of languages huh? Oh wait, you're just another internet retard that butchers English. Fuck off shitdick.

  25. Oh and I see nothing wrong with suppressing your sexuality. It's been done forever. And done in meditative, take you to the next level of consciousness ways. The idea that sex muddles the mind has been around since the beginning of time. If one wants to focus on metal and turn their back on sex(though the two are not synonymous), then that's what they should do.

  26. Thanks for a good laugh! Pure COMEDY GOLD! :D

  27. Is rape metal enough?

  28. This blog is the most stupid blog I've ever seen in my entire life.


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.