Sex

That’s right, you heard me. Having sex is not Metal.

More than that, sex is the root of all things unmetal. Think about it. What is it that motivates every poseur, sellout, and skinny, floppy haired scene kid to commit such atrocities against the purity of metal? It’s the desire to get some of that sweet poon-tang. You think Bring Me The Horizon would have lasted more than a week if Oli Sykes didn’t make your 14 year old daughter’s (and also some very confused young men) panties wet? How does the old formula go?

Generate Funds>Acquire Bitches

If you sellout, you’re pretty much guaranteed some of the good stuff. So sod being a true metalhead, time to get some action, right? Well, you may not necessarily think this way, but rest assured that there are a cubic buttload who do.

Stop that. Right now!

Sex is not only the prime motivator of just about every non-metal being in the universe, it is also a powerful weapon to be used against true metal warriors. How many metalheads out there have been turned to the False Side just because their partner just couldn’t take them listening to music that was awesome? Would you give up Metal in order to be with that certain someone who gave you that good feeling in your special place? I know there are some of you reading this right now that would seriously consider it (you should be castrated for thinking such blasphemy btw).

Let’s move away from psychological motivators for a second and focus on the falseness on the act of committing coitus itself.

It's important to know the enemy.

I want you to think back to your first time. Just close your eyes and regress back with me. What are you? 15? 18? 24? Doesn’t matter. I know how you’re feeling. You’re feeling excited, exposed, and more vulnerable than you’ve let yourself be with anyone before; except your mother, but those are some mental issues that years of therapy have worked out. Your heart is racing, your palms are sweating, and, just as you feel you can’t take it anymore, your partner enters the room. He and/or she (depending on your preference) undresses slowly and invites you to join them on the bed. The next three minutes are a blur in your memory, but what you do remember is the look of indignation on your partners face as you awkwardly fumbled around with bits and bobs that are completely alien to you. Then comes the white hot moment of ecstasy which is followed immediately by a tsunami of shame, a surge of guilt and a spurt of inadequacy that threatens to engulf your ego and pride in one gulp. Apologies are made, but the damage is already done.

Now, let me ask you, does any of that sound in the least bit metal? I didn’t think so.

When you allow yourself to become that intimate with someone, you’re stripping away every last piece of your proud elitist armour, and exposing the shrivelled pink lump of flesh that lies within. You’re no longer the ivory tower of metal superiority you usually are, you’ve actually allowed yourself to appear vulnerable in front of another person.

That’s the Iron Rule. The one facet of elitism that stands above all others. You are supposed to be better than everyone else. And you've just broken the Iron Rule.

Now, before you lot shake your horny little fists at me, let me explain something. You see, I view Heavy Metal as a religion (except y’know, it actually has relevance to real life.) and in every major religion, there is always an unattainable state, a Nirvana, something that everyone should strive to achieve, no matter how impossible the task.

In Heavy Metal, that state is never having sex. However, it’s not enough to simply not get any sex, (that would be far too easy for some of you) an individual truly enlightened in the way of metal has absolutely no desire to have sex. In other words, they get themselves off on how metal they are.

Metal. Better than sex? I think so.

I should probably mention that there is no one that has successfully achieved this. Not once in the history of Heavy Metal has there been one individual that has overcome the temptation to have sex. Dio came pretty close when he intentionally made “Angry Machines”, it looked like he was never going to get laid again, but then he went and spoiled it by making “Magica” and suddenly, the chicks were all over him again.

Dem bitches love Magica

I’m well aware of how weak willed you lot are, so in light of these facts, I’ve come up with a few ways to make your nookie time as Metal as possible:

1. Play Metal during sex- hurr durr, this one is obvious. Hopefully though, you can begin a physiological reprogramming process. If you listen to Reign in Blood while doing the dirty, you’ll eventually start to equate listening to it with getting off. Soon, you’ll be able to phase out the part where you actually have sex, and just get the same amount of pleasure from just listening to the album.

2. Make the experience as unpleasant for your partner as possible- If someone has a bad sexual experience with you, it will be unlikely that they will want to do it with you again, thus lowering the risk of you giving in to temptation. So don’t bathe for days, headbang during sex, deliberately call out someone else’s name; it’s all good.

3. Make it last as quickly as you can- get it over with fast. Spend more time being metal. Should be easy enough for some of you right?

If you follow these three easy instructions, you’ll be one step closer to ridding yourself of temptation and becoming a True Metal Warrior that listens to his Heart of Steel and not his Tiny Dick.

Disclaimer- The thoughts and opinions expressed by the Author are in no way a reflection of his ability to get laid or any lack thereof. This article was written with the intention of helping poor sods such as yourself, so shut your fat gobs.