Metalcore Elitists

We here at TNM only want what’s best for you. All the belittlement, insults, strict guidelines and holier than thou attitude; that’s just our way of showing our concern that you’re getting a proper metal education. We need to take a tough love approach because we’re getting you ready to go out into the real world as a hardened metal warrior. We can’t have you running around thinking that it’s alright to listen to bands like A Day To Remember and still call yourself a metalhead. If necessary, we'll take a shovel and beat the stupidity out of you, it’s not cruel or mean spirited, it’s simply character building. If you stick a piece of coal up your ass and squeeze for long enough, eventually a diamond will come out, right?

That’s why, as an educator, I’m filled with disappointment when I come across a Metalcore Elitist. It’s how I imagine a social studies teacher feels when they stop at a set of traffic lights and see kids peddling crack on the street corner. It’s the complete opposite to all the values that we strive so hard to uphold.

The typical Metalcore Elitist, or “Mettalicus Retardica” to use the proper vernacular, is a curious breed that actively and exclusively listens to Metalcore. The clincher is that they will turn their nose up and aggressively dismiss any bands that can even remotely be considered Metal, apparently any band that doesn’t have at least one breakdown per song, and a skinny prepubescent vocalist just isn’t going to cut it for them.

Elitism: urdoinitwrong

Now, I can understand the desire to experience different music. That’s what causes you lot to commit violations; you try out different sounds and in the process pick up bands that aren’t metal. I can also understand the desire to listen to one kind of music exclusively, (God knows there was a time when I wouldn’t listen to anything that wasn’t 80’s Thrash). What I don’t understand is why anyone would want to only listen to one kind of music that happens to suck, especially when pure awesomeness is so close by. (Seriously, why would you eargasm over Underoath and then dump over Lamb of God? Are they that far apart?)

You know what it’s like? It’s like sitting down to a luxurious three course meal, with Lobster Thermidor and for dessert Crème Brule made from the finest imported ingredients and lovingly hand crafted to perfection; and what do you choose to do? You decide to plonk your pasty white ass in the corner and chew on your own toenails. I know they smell like cheese, but dude, there’s a far more satisfying meal sitting right in front of you.

This is what you're chewing on in the buffet of metal

The only conclusion I can come to is that all this idiotic Metalcore purity is nothing more than a phase. Surely no one can be so thick-headed as to subject themselves to that crap for the rest of their lives... or until the next fad comes along and they start furiously clinging to that, whichever comes first. It’s downright masochistic...

Enjoy your toenails retard.