Keytars

NO.

I don't really see what's so funny about a band like Sonata Arctica. Their music as far as metal goes, lyrically and instrumentally sounds really sad to me. It's just sad metal. Frontman Tony Kakko sounds and looks like he needs a lot of effort and a prescription just to get out of bed every morning. That man holds on to his microphone with both hands, because he is so exhausted with life. Regardless of his high-energy stage presence, you can clearly see something missing in his eyes.

In comes keyboardist Henrik Kinglenberg with what is essentially the rubber chicken of musical acts: the keytar. An obnoxious musical invention that was popularized by the likes of Devo and similar pop acts in the early 80's. The end result is this blend of sorrow and comedy on Sonata Arctica's stage, much like the concept of a sad clown: something which is in a morbid, ironic fashion, way more depressing than just a normal person who is sad. Nobody wants to see that.

The term "keytar" is a portmanteau of the words "keyboard" and "guitar". You already knew that, but I couldn't pass up the chance to use a big word like "portmanteau".  It is a lightweight keyboard that is supported by a strap around the neck and shoulders, just like a guitar, and has its own dumb little "neck", where lies controls for pitch bends, vibrato, portamento and sustain. So what we had in the 80's were a bunch of awkward, lanky keyboardists, so excited to escape from the shadowy back corner where they typically had to stand stationary, prancing around on stage and messing up the guitarists' vibe. Soon, like everything in the 80's, keytars were looked upon as silly and regrettable. In no time, keyboard players were standing behind heavy racks and stands in the back, where they belonged. All was well.

Fast forward to present time, the era of irony. Where things that aren't cool are cool, and painful memories of the past are dug up all for the sake of some bizarre, awkward hipness. Inevitably, the keytar has made a comeback. Pseudo-indie synthpop hipster acts like Cobra Starship were quick on the keytar's retro-style uptake. Most notably, Lady Gaga, on her never-ending quest to look really stupid, couldn't incorporate a keytar into her act fast enough. However I'm not here to be concerned with what they do.

I'm only beginning to warm up to the idea of keyboards being incorporated into a metal band. So much so, that I began writing an article stating my case against keyboards on their own. However, upon careful reconsideration, a keyboard at the right fingertips can help blend a symphonic style of epic sound into a metal band's mix, adding a new dimension to the song's musical aura. So like nearly any instrument that's used tastefully, it can find its proper place in a metal band, and I'm okay with it. For now.

There is however, nothing in good taste about the musical abomination known as a "keytar". When it comes to keyboardist Vadim Pruzhanov of Dragonforce, (the most successful comedy metal act since Immortal) doing something obnoxious and making a mockery of music as an art is to be expected. It doesn't surprise me watching him run around on stage defacing the metal genre, keytar with custom blood-soaked paint job in hand.

I kind of expected a member of Sonata Arctica as a fairly respectable act to know better. Henrik and Vadim's infamous keytar duel proves that's not the case. I'm all about having a drunken good time, but this is just flat out unmetal. At a typical Dragonforce show, in place of your typical 10-minute guitar or drum solo, there is instead a twinkly synthesizer-fueled dance party. The crowd looks on and sadistically cheers as they watch the good name of metal soiled with such debauchery. This is what we're seeing happen in the video, with Kinglenberg as a "special guest". Simply revolting. It's like I'm watching an assault in progress and there is nobody to call to report it.

As a metalhead with a background in piano lessons, you are already a bit out of your element. If a prog or black metal band deems your talents necessary, then count your lucky stars, grab your stand and lay down some of that epic, synthesized orchestra glory. We're all happy for you, and we're all glad you're here and have a purpose. Just don't mock how the guitarists do their job with a cheap plastic keyboard that was designed to do exactly that.