Saturday, December 4, 2010

The 2011 Honda Odyssey

Despite everything, (and I do mean everything) this commercial advertises to you, the Honda Odyssey is not a heavy metal masterpiece. As much emotion as hearing "Hellion" should invoke in you, it's just a minivan, and a pretty expensive one at that. I hard press anyone to see if they can fit that sweet Marshall half-stack, plus five starving band mates in a motor vehicle that size. Even if you're black metal enough to need no more than a Chinese B.C Rich, and a drum machine, good luck.

Not to say that vans aren't metal. Far from it. Where do you think the only talented member of Metallica got his skull crushed in rural southern Sweden? True metal transport is an American-made cargo van. The older, cheaper, more mileage, and less windows, the better.

The appearance of a proper metalhead's van should cause enough public concern to warrant bystanders to call the police whenever they see it parked anywhere around town. As fearsome and sketchy as you may look as an individual, nothing strikes fear into the hearts of American parents like a shady, unmarked utility van.

And for you metal dads out there; we're talking over 30 grand for a vehicle here. GTO's have seatbelts. Grow a pair. 


  1. Side note: I've been informed as of late that Cliff Burton was killed in a bus, not a van. Oh well.

  2. That's what i was wondering the whole damn time, whaaaaa? Wasn't it a bus? Sorry sir but you get docked 10 metal points for that one, i even knew that as a snotty nosed 13 year old. "ahhhh guys today is the day Cliff died, let's hold a circle jerk in memory of our fallen brother"


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.