Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Dreadlocks

I'm planning on investing in "Halls" stock, because I know Chris Barnes exists, and it sounds like his throat hurts.
I realize that long hair can be pretty difficult to comb, brush and maintain. I know this can be especially frustrating since most of us are guys, and aren't really used to the extra three and a half minutes of preparation time every morning that comes along with an illustrious, flowing mane. I do promise you however, that maintenance is pretty minimal, and shampoo and conditioner really aren't all that expensive; even if you do have to buy the type that specializes in dandruff control. (Which I strongly recommend, due to our preference for black t-shirts.)

Please, it's not womanly. I don't care if you use your girlfriend's zebra-striped, gel handled brush. Just comb your goddamn hair. If you think it's too much for you to handle, cut it off, and make your father happy for the first time in his entire life. Your other alternative is to look as hard rock and true metal as Bob Marley. Hey, there's an idea...


Dreadlocks, whether intentionally formed or not, are the result of years and years of self neglect and laziness. They were popularized in Jamaican Rastafarian culture and reggae music, and as far as I'm concerned, they should have stayed there. They are now commonly seen on white, granola-loving hippies, and occasionally seen on hard rock fans and musicians looking for the newest way to shame their parents. Although it has been debunked that dreadlocks aren't formed by a lack of bathing, an impressive odor typically emits from a young man or lady with this hairstyle regardless, from what I can only assume, is a mandatory association with weed once your hair becomes matted enough. 

You hear the term "shithead" get thrown around pretty often as a young adult, but dreadheads take this term literally in their appearance. The best way to describe a good set of dreadlocks in words, is that it looks like your scalp is pooping in multiple directions. It's as though your head was covered with a gang of nasty anuses, and a single long dingle berry hung from each one. 

If somebody looking like the rasta king alone isn't enough to convince you that dreadlocks aren't metal, let's consider some popular "metal" acts who have violations in progress...

Shadows Fall vocalist, Brian Fair does not only don dreadlocks of Rapunzel-length, but he's also a vegetarian, and PETA spokesperson. If we consider all of Shadows Fall's shortcomings as a heavy metal act, from tired metalcore formulas, to tone-deaf hollering and wailing, an association with an organization like PETA is probably the worst. Regardless of what PETA is trying to convey to our young, impressionable children, "peta 2" is still just PETA. 

Next on the list is Max Cavalera, guitarist and frontman for Soulfly, and former singer for Sepultura in the long, long ago. Soulfly is musically on the same level as Slipknot and Korn, yet are still regarded as a heavy metal act, based on what I can only assume is Cavalera's colorful past. With a band such as Soulfly, it's almost impossible to believe that it was started by a former member of a legendary thrash metal act. 

The last piece of evidence in my case against dreadlocks is In Flames frontman, Anders Friden. For those of you who don't know, In Flames was once a respectable Swedish melodic death metal band, that flipped the bitch worse than Metallica when they released their album "Reroute to Remain" in 2002. They have been releasing inexcusable butt rock ever since, with catchy, "wuss part" choruses, screamy verses, and only a minimal return to form to keep their fans and everybody else except me fooled into thinking they're a listenable metal band. 

ROOTS. GNAPPY ROOTS.
If you are a dreadhead metalhead, redemption is cheap, quick, painless, and can be found in a pair of clippers at your local barber. Invite your dad as a Father's Day or Christmas present. He will love it. I would definitely recommend having this done at a barber shop, because it's going to be worth it to pay someone else to clean up the disgusting mess you made.

Obviously you aren't to be trusted with long hair anyway. 


44 comments:

  1. this whole article has been deemed.... not metal. The content is extremely biased, and yeah didnt care for it. This being someone without dreadlocks.

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    1. I don't have dread locks, and I think metal bands with dread locks are fine. I judge on the music, I don't care what their hair looks like.

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  2. Johnny G, you'll be happy to know you're the first to actually critique ON THE BLOG SITE. Everyone else felt free to run their mouth when they saw an article on facebook or reddit, but nobody actually came to the site itself to speak foul. I don't really think I'm all that scary to call out on my home turf. Wish I had some kind of prize for you. I don't. I guess I could just tell you that your disagreeing with my opinion puts you in allegiance with those who are false and untrue, or some gobbledygook like that. Thanks for reading, and congrats on the balls!

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  3. Why would anyone read a blog expecting to find unbiased information? This, coming from a reporter, is for certain: we strive for objectivity, though rarely reach it. Everyone is biased. Some people are just biased with better opinions and facts to substantiate their arguments.

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  4. Is that third person Elias sorieno of Nonpoint?

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  5. youre just a good for nothing with nothing to do with your time but criticize things you disagree with. get a life.

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  6. I'm not the one who's all butt hurt because you just realized now that you have turds on your head. Either that, or you're bicurious about having dingleberries for hair, and are just defending people who do. Writing is a hobby you window licker. Like I don't do anything else with the other 23 hours of the day I'm not writing something down. What's your hobby? Dirtbiking? Baking vegan pizza? Is that a "life"? Who gives a shit. I disagree with you being retarded, so I'll criticize that too. I'm sorry reading what I wrote hurt your vagina so much. Feel better now?

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  7. i totally agree with In Flames. They were terrific Before reroute to remain. After Clayman they totally went downhill. The Jester Race is my favorite melodic deathmetal album

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  8. this blogg is just shame your not a metalhead at all.

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  9. What does that make you? Besides a receiver of an "F" in English class.

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  10. believe it or not, dreads have been metal for awhile now. doesn't matter whether you're a Stoner, or a vegetarian, or Hippy or not, us metalheads should not bash on each other for what we have, us metalheads are family! so what if metalheads wear bondage pants, or have dreads, or vegetarian/vegan, METAL IS WHAT KEEPS US TOGETHER! why must you say that dreads aren't metal? who made you the heavy metal priest? if people want dreads, let them have them.

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  11. whatever happened to metal having no rules? why cant we just accept each other and rock out to some metal not worry about how everyone looks?

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  12. Whatever happened to what Ed said in the video you watched that brought you to this site in the first place?

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  13. WEll! not all dreads look like that, that look comes from years of neglet of there and when you have thin hair it will look like shit it will be loose and all fucked up I've seen dreads and im growing out some my self when you have thick hair your hair is curly enough to lock them up it just depends on the texture of your hair the new lead singer of Decapitated have dreads and they look pretty neat. And Bob Marley dreads only look like that because of his religion rastaferian dreads are not suppose to have any product in them you can watch them but nothing other than that dreads. Need to be maintain every 2 mounths, you will need some body to re-twist them or get them re-done or they will loosen up so if you a lazy person and hate to get you hair done then dreads aren't for you.

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  14. There are way too many pretentious tards involved in this genre. You all need to pull up your skirts and be big girls that realize not everyone sees things the same way as you do.

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  15. WTF, is that a guitar with Brazil's flag on it?


    I feel ashamed for living here.

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  16. I don't get it. Is this a joke? Are you serious?

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  17. I wrote this 4 fucking months ago. Dreadlocks look like shit, get over it.

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  18. I feel like there should be a disclaimer:

    If you're black in metal, dreadlocks are pretty much required (see: Derrick Green of Sepultura, Terrance Hobbs & Mike Smith of Suffocation, and that one dude from God Forbid; I'm sure there are more example but I can't be arsed). You can't headbang with an afro.

    Also, to all the hippies with their panties in a bunch, dreads on white people look stupid (to me at least) mainly cuz it's forced. If you grow your hair out and do nothing but wash it (no combing, brushing, etc.), you'll have long beautiful locks of metal.

    Dreadlocks occur naturally for us when we grow our hair out. Having an afro requires more maintenance, in that it requires any at all. I know, I know even most blacks have their locks started artificially, but that's pretty much just so they don't look like shit (no disrespect to Marley). In order for your hair to lock "naturally" you've got to be fucking filthy (and kind of jewy; curly hair is somewhat of a necessity for "natural" locks).

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    1. What about you get your facts straight and stop spreading false shit miss wannabeknowitall ;)

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  19. Theres plenty of Metal people with Dreadlocks. What about the Glanzmann guy from Eluviete, or Terrence Hobbs from Suffocation? You gonna tell me Terrence Hobbs isn't metal? This is just stupid.

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  20. "You can't headbang with an afro."

    WHAT!?

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  21. Should send this to me cousin, but i never say anything.........i never understood it, isn't locks associated with weed and hippies? That doesn't seem very metal....

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  22. Wearing dread locks is more of a rap thing

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  23. In response to
    "If you grow your hair out and do nothing but wash it (no combing, brushing, etc.), you'll have long beautiful locks of metal."
    and
    "In order for your hair to lock "naturally" you've got to be fucking filthy (and kind of jewy; curly hair is somewhat of a necessity for "natural" locks)."

    Monika, you are totally wrong and obviously don't have a clue what you're talking about.

    I'm white, and my (non-curly) hair dreaded naturally in only a few months. I didn't back comb or use any products, I just stopped brushing. Oh, and I washed it. Every single bloody day. So no, I'm not "filthy". Having oily hair actually SLOWS the dreading process.

    Get your facts straight next time, ok?

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    1. Exactly! I have straight as shit hair and grew my dreads naturally. Just washed my hair 2x a week and let them grow and do their thing. Some ppl dont know shit about shit, and still think they're smart.

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  24. There's always exceptions. Half the band Samothrace have ass-long dreads and they play absolutely crushing doom.

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  25. People have got to stop taking this seriously.

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  26. Tomi Joutsen from Amorphis pulls it off pretty well...

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  27. This actually inspired me to cut off my dreads.
    I got tired of them anyway.

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  28. James Thomson11/05/2011 6:32 PM

    For the record it's completely impossible to get dreadlocks if you don't wash your hair, so dreads are actually really clean. Just clearing that up. Dreads don't form in greasy or oily or dirty hair.

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    1. When I don't wash my hair for a while it starts to naturally dread. wtf are you talking about. I remember my ex-girlfriend used to tell me to grow out locks, It turned out she loved reggae. Fuck dreadlocks they are fucking stupid, just condition and comb your fucking hair after you shower and you won't grow em.

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  29. I think dreads are awesome. I know the guy who writes this blog is trying to be funny, but this is just kind of stupid.

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  30. Your all idiots I asked a doctor what he thought about dreads, first of all clean fine hair dreads better than dirty hair you wash dreads just like any other hairy style you do not have to shave your head to get rid of them you can leave up to an inch of your normal hair before it starts dreading and you just cut the dreads off and beleive it or not he said dread locks are one of the HEALTHIEST hairstyles there is and has no effect on your scalp you dumbasses will beleive anything Google it! It even says it on their and google knows all!

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    1. I'm sorry but you're an idiot. I'm a doctor and first of all you don't learn about dreads in fucking med school. Second, if you want a doctors opinion, dreads are dumb unless you're like a 80 year old rasta man who walks around barefoot. Or I guess if you're a crust punk who needs to blend in with the bush you're sleeping in that's ok too. But I assume if you're sleeping in bushes or walking around barefoot you probably have bigger problems than how stupid you look. So all and all dreads might be safe for the homeless but not for humanity (they're dumb, you're an adult don't be a lazy slob) that's just my medical opinion.

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  31. "You can't headbang with an afro."

    I believe you're mistaken. KATON of the band HIRAX (80s bay area Thrash Metal band) has been headbanging with an afro for 30+ years, and he really kicks ass live too!

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  32. jou ma se poes. narrow minded cunt. foken nai! kry n lewe! ek kan engels praat maar jys n dom poes so jy kan maar dit als vertaal en dan gan dir als nog kak uitkom haha dom fokken kont gevreet

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  33. Wow lots of butt hurt,sand in clit chicks on this blog. Three minutes of my life gone.

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  34. As a non metal non hippy normal person I can say that it does not really matter much. You metal fucks look like shit anyway so a few extra weird hairstyles or not won't really make a difference now would it? As long you guys don't paint them glittery pink or anything dreads actually look better then a waterfall of golden locks falling over some skinny guys shoulders which mostly just looks feminine. (or is that the point of it?) Seems that even the metal heads don't like variety in their midst, How boring.

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  35. Hahaha yeah using a zebra stripe gel handled hairbrush is mad metal bahaha I love it when people own themselves this hard. I don't even Need to go further but as the person above me noted: dreads are much more metal than your golden curls or flowing mane or whatever. Also, if you don't have dreads, you don't have a mane. You can pretend but you know the truth: you're a Barbie doll in a black shirt and unless you're standing in a Norwegian snowstorm playing guitar, that's what you look like. I've never met anyone with dreads that smell either, so if all you seem to see is people with dirty dreads or pantene pro-v using losers, then you're doing it wrong. Maybe when you get out of highschool/ stop having so much to prove, you'll get over your hilarious attitude of ignorance and arrogance. But hey, if you don't have the balls to grow dreads, at least you can cry about it over the Internet. You sure value respecting your father too for a metalhead. Haha what a poser.

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  36. You should cut off your dreads ? tell that to Tomi Joutsen ( Amorphis )

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  37. EvisceratedZombie4/28/2013 6:19 PM

    Holy shit. People are still bitching about this article?

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.