Dreadlocks

I'm planning on investing in "Halls" stock, because I know Chris Barnes exists, and it sounds like his throat hurts.

I realize that long hair can be pretty difficult to comb, brush and maintain. I know this can be especially frustrating since most of us are guys, and aren't really used to the extra three and a half minutes of preparation time every morning that comes along with an illustrious, flowing mane. I do promise you however, that maintenance is pretty minimal, and shampoo and conditioner really aren't all that expensive; even if you do have to buy the type that specializes in dandruff control. (Which I strongly recommend, due to our preference for black t-shirts.)

Please, it's not womanly. I don't care if you use your girlfriend's zebra-striped, gel handled brush. Just comb your goddamn hair. If you think it's too much for you to handle, cut it off, and make your father happy for the first time in his entire life. Your other alternative is to look as hard rock and true metal as Bob Marley. Hey, there's an idea...

Dreadlocks, whether intentionally formed or not, are the result of years and years of self neglect and laziness. They were popularized in Jamaican Rastafarian culture and reggae music, and as far as I'm concerned, they should have stayed there. They are now commonly seen on white, granola-loving hippies, and occasionally seen on hard rock fans and musicians looking for the newest way to shame their parents. Although it has been debunked that dreadlocks aren't formed by a lack of bathing, an impressive odor typically emits from a young man or lady with this hairstyle regardless, from what I can only assume, is a mandatory association with weed once your hair becomes matted enough. 

You hear the term "shithead" get thrown around pretty often as a young adult, but dreadheads take this term literally in their appearance. The best way to describe a good set of dreadlocks in words, is that it looks like your scalp is pooping in multiple directions. It's as though your head was covered with a gang of nasty anuses, and a single long dingle berry hung from each one. 

If somebody looking like the rasta king alone isn't enough to convince you that dreadlocks aren't metal, let's consider some popular "metal" acts who have violations in progress...

Shadows Fall vocalist, Brian Fair does not only don dreadlocks of Rapunzel-length, but he's also a vegetarian, and PETA spokesperson. If we consider all of Shadows Fall's shortcomings as a heavy metal act, from tired metalcore formulas, to tone-deaf hollering and wailing, an association with an organization like PETA is probably the worst. Regardless of what PETA is trying to convey to our young, impressionable children, "peta 2" is still just PETA. 

Next on the list is Max Cavalera, guitarist and frontman for Soulfly, and former singer for Sepultura in the long, long ago. Soulfly is musically on the same level as Slipknot and Korn, yet are still regarded as a heavy metal act, based on what I can only assume is Cavalera's colorful past. With a band such as Soulfly, it's almost impossible to believe that it was started by a former member of a legendary thrash metal act. 

The last piece of evidence in my case against dreadlocks is In Flames frontman, Anders Friden. For those of you who don't know, In Flames was once a respectable Swedish melodic death metal band, that flipped the bitch worse than Metallica when they released their album "Reroute to Remain" in 2002. They have been releasing inexcusable butt rock ever since, with catchy, "wuss part" choruses, screamy verses, and only a minimal return to form to keep their fans and everybody else except me fooled into thinking they're a listenable metal band. 

ROOTS. GNAPPY ROOTS.

If you are a dreadhead metalhead, redemption is cheap, quick, painless, and can be found in a pair of clippers at your local barber. Invite your dad as a Father's Day or Christmas present. He will love it. I would definitely recommend having this done at a barber shop, because it's going to be worth it to pay someone else to clean up the disgusting mess you made.

Obviously you aren't to be trusted with long hair anyway.