Wednesday, August 12, 2015


For those of you unfamiliar with San Francisco based "metal" group, Deafheaven, stop fucking lying. Everybody knows who Deafheaven is. Deafheaven is and has been the exact cancer killing true metal since they released Sunbather in 2013. They are the purest physical embodiment of all things false, poseur, fake, untrve, plastic and trendy. Since their unholy inception, they have marketed their brand of atmospheric upbeat shoegaze "black metal" music specifically to an ultra-ironic generation of v-neck wearing, vinyl buying, Apple product adoring, curly moustached, sailor tat donning, craft brew sniffing, bacon worshiping, gluten avoiding, food truck line standing, Starbucks sipping, art school attending, indie listening, thrift store shopping, tumblr dick pic takers and rebloggers. They've went and done this specifically so that when these psuedo-intellectuals make dating profiles -- in order to meet and fuck each other under strict consent guidelines -- they feel like they won't be lying when they say "I listen to all kinds of music" in their single dimensional, vapid About Me sections.

I can feel you all rolling your squinty little eyes at me for being so late to the Deafheaven hate game. For years I've ignored Deafheaven because I didn't perceive them as any real threat. They just didn't scare me. Time and time again, they were referred to as a "black metal band" by journalists interviewing them, and time and time again they themselves would be the first to deny their status in the genre. In a 2014 Guitar Planet interview, lead guitarist Kerry McCoy stated  "a lot of people have said that we’re not a real black metal band and to be completely honest, I couldn't agree more. Our lyrical themes and aesthetic are vastly different, we have a huge amount of influence from bands that no one in their right mind would even call metal, let alone black metal, and we don't come from the school of thought that most of the BM bands I listen to subscribe to." That to me says these guys knew their place in all this. They stayed on their side of the fence playing at shit like Pitchfork Fest where they belonged; and I stayed on mine.

Yet as time moved on, the band has grown to embrace their improper distinction. Many a band photo exists of their members proudly donning Burzum, Emperor and Behemoth shirts. They would regularly step out on stage wearing black garb from head to toe. The above recently published photo of them raising a glass along with Abbath, former Immortal frontman, was what really set me over the edge here. It's as if they're trying to egg me on personally. As if to say "haha look at us, we're kvlt enough to hang with Abbath! Suck that elitists!" 

Oh, you think that's just fine because you think Immortal is a joke band, do you? That's because you're fucking 16, and you got that idea from the fact that you and the rest of your little greasy-faced tumblrite friends grew up poking fun at how undeniably trv kvlt necro Immortal is and always has been in your cunt ass little weasel hands-made fucking animated gifs of Abbath and the gang doing shit more seriously black metal than you could ever hope to achieve. The rest of us grew up being scared shitless of the grim permafrost that is Immortal because we fucking knew better. Shut your face hole. I am challenging you to a fight and I'm going to win. I don't even care if you play high school football and lift weights and think you're athletic or something, there's no fucking way you're as mean as me and you'll lose. Don't let the blogging fool you, punk, I'm street as hell. Abbath is a demon. Look at his war paint.

Holy shit oh my god we're all dead jesus save me he can't hear me christ it's over fuck me why god please no

Deafheaven has officially, proudly infiltrated our ranks, and they MUST. BE. STOPPED.

Without further ado, here are five incredibly critical reasons why:

Reason #1: George Clarke's Haircut

Mmh. Just look at that perfectly cut and combed beautiful blonde head of wonderful that lead singer George Clarke has got going. What a sleek, precise hard part he has for that modern Hitler youth comb-over he's rocking so fiercely. That's some Macklemore shit he's got going on right there. I'm just like

Where do you even get a fucking hair cut like that man? At the Handsome Factory? Jesus, god damn it, you got great hair. Is there a single dry pussy in the house when you finish a show, owning that 'do like you do? I mean, no homo here or anything George, but I think I want you in my butt. Bring that undercut with you. Perfectly trimmed and buzzed on the sides and back. Modern yet timeless. Classy yet sassy. 

Black metal yet shoe gaze.

Whew! I should stop myself here before I say something way out of bounds. This is a family blog after all. In the end, we just can't have that kind of perfect looking shit mucking up our frostbitten genre of the Winter Moon. His hair's not even long.

Reason #2: Daniel Tracy's Haircut

Drummer Daniel Tracy will grow his locks out a bit every now and then for a stylish, more standard comb-over, but for the most part, he is regularly seen with an undercut style that's very similar to George's. However, the fact of the matter remains; blondes just have more fun. Every young lady (or maybe big hairy teddy bear type guy on the internet) out there can agree it just doesn't look as savage n' sexy on Dan as it does George. George just has those sharp features that really bring out the "rewr" of this close cut hairstyle. Maybe it's Daniel's softer features or his chocolate brown hair color, but it just doesn't do the same thing for Danny as it does for Georgie.

Not like that's a bad thing though. I mean, everybody out there has been through our own George. George is the type of guy who screeches his Honda Civic hatchback to a halt out in front of your parents' house and honks twice before you can even finish your makeup. George would have his face buried in his iPhone your whole time together as a multitude of thirstier ladies than you would be blowing him up via text and social media. Daniel wouldn't do that. Daniel would come to your doorstep with flowers in hand, looking elegant and suave with his perfectly parted comb over and black polo shirt. He would say hi to your parents before taking you out for coffee and dessert as you two talked about all the crazy things you did in college. (Just don't divulge too much ladies!)

Wouldn't want to scare this one off!
Daniel is the guy. He's the one who will watch Netflix with you in your PJ's and cook you breakfast. He'll keep your disagreements constructive and be there to pick up the pieces after dealing with a guy like George. You date the Georges. But then you grow up and marry the Daniels. Even if his hair isn't long.

Reason #3: Shiv Tehra's Haircut

I don't want to come off as racist here, because I am not racist! I have friends of all sorts of skin colors from all walks of life. I mean, just look at my Facebook. But there's just something different about gentlemen of the... well... "brown" variety. Again, not racist! They're all just -- I dunno -- so masculine! Sometimes a little too masculine. They just age so quickly! If I tried to go out with someone like rhythm guitarist Shiv, it would look like he was robbing the cradle no matter how old he really was. Their facial features are just so striking and mature before they're even done with puberty. You all should be proud of that, but it's just not my tall cup of Turkish Coffee... India Pale Ale? Bangladeshi 7-layer tea? ... Kenyan Changaa? Oh my goodness, seriously though, not being racist. Can't stress that enough.

Discriminating against that shirt, though. Someone call the fashion police!

Sometimes you want that, though. The hairy chest and arms, the 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock shadow and so on. The tall, dark and handsome. It's something for whenever you're in one of those sexy dad sort of moods, you know? It's just a mood for me though. I have the right to be picky, and Shiv's perfect head of midnight black ethnic hair color just isn't my style, especially because it isn't even long.

Reason #4: Stephen Clark's Haircut

Ugh. Brace yourselves, ladies (or lads, no judgement here). For every George, Daniel and Shiv you got your sloppy Stephens on bass. With their slimy, unkempt mop tops. I think we've all at some point dealt with this guy. Creative, but with no ambition. Artistic, but with no work to show for it. A shower in his apartment, but shit, you'd never know it! You can't tell if he's got a healthy bronze tan or if that's just a fine coat of dirt on his skin. Sure he'll meet your parents, but only to dine and dash, belching the whole visit. He's the guy you keep around because you're at a point when you need a ride to work, and he's your only option.

And all those cigarettes? Yuck. Like kissing an ash tray. No thanks:

To every Stephens' credit, yes, their hair has been long at some point or another. But it always gets buzzed off in one big, haggard reboot due to the inevitable head lice infestation. Remember boys: a bath, shampoo and deodorant goes a long way! So as you can see in his current buzzcut in the above photo with Abbath, right now, it's not even long.

Reason #5:  Kerry McCoy's Horn-Rimmed Glasses

Look, even I have a soul. I wouldn't land a blow so low as to bring up lead guitarist Kerry McCoy's haircut. The receding hairline rat-tail mullet combo is just not fair game. There's no way it's on purpose... it must be like a genetic malformation. Those glasses however, are completely his fault. It's like, I mean, the um, the bad guy from Heroes called. And uh. He wants his glasses back. He wants his glasses back, Kerry. Your hair isn't even long, Kerry. Your rat tail is, though. What the hell is that, Kerry? What are you doing? Is there someone who takes care of you?

Who's taking care of you, sweetie? Are you okay?

So there you have it. Unequivocal proof that Deafheaven needs to be stopped. There's too many young hearts out there that just don't deserve to be broken.

-- Written By Brenocide with the help of his wife. Which isn't true and she's mad at me now for suggesting it. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.