Saturday, October 15, 2011

Maintaining Your Metal Health

Hello all you mouth-breathing, bottom-feeders.

I come to you today bearing grave news. I’m afraid to say that most of you are sick, terminally ill in fact. Simply by going about your daily business you have most likely exposed yourself and have been infected by the brain cell killer, the most deadly disease to afflict the Metal community. I speak, of course, about Shitty Musical Taste, or SMT as it’s more commonly known.

Unfortunately for those infected, there is no known cure for SMT, and they are forced to suffer for the remainder of their lives enjoying and listening to shitty music.

This Public Service announcement is designed to raise awareness and prevent the spread of this terrible disease. If you suffer from SMT, please do your part to stop the spread of your shitty taste. Don’t discuss your favourite bands when conversation turns towards music. Keep your shit taste quarantined by avoiding voicing your opinions on Youtube videos, blogs, forums and other various forms of internet media, as sharing your opinion with anonymous partners can be unsafe and solicit the spread of SMT. If a friend or a loved one suffers from SMT, please do the humane thing and smother them in their sleep as demonstrated below.

Figure A: apply excessive pressure to figure B.

Of course, this is but one of many ailments that afflict members of the metal community, but it remains the only one that has no cure. Fortunately for you, there have been many great strides in the field of Metal Medical Science as of late, and there is a cure for practically any pox, pestilence, virus, illness, disease or mild discomfort that could unbang those heads which are born to bang.

No, I’m not a doctor, what are you? A pussy? I’ll tell you what I have, a degree in Metalology, and that more than qualifies me to school you sandy queefs in how to take care of yourself the metal way. Follow my patented procedures and you’ll cure yourself in no time at all, 100% guaranteed*.

*Individual results may vary. TNM takes no responsibility if you or anyone around you comes into harm by taking the following advice.

Head Colds/Generic Symptoms- Most people will tell you that the Common Cold has no cure and the only thing you can do about it is wait it out, of course these people are idiots and have no idea how the human body actually functions, so you’d best not listen to them. Those of us who are actually educated know that colds are actually caused by microscopic poseurs, which are mistakenly labelled “bacteria” by science. These tiny poseurs are spread through contact with life size poseurs and can be very damaging to the true metal immune system, what happens is that these little guys get into your system and start messing with stuff by whining that the other microorganism’s are being too rowdy in the nasal pit and that they should respect other’s opinion’s. This naturally sends the true metal immune system haywire; it doesn’t know how to deal with such concentrated falseness in such a sensitive area and as such clogs itself with mucus to shut the little fuckers up. What you need to do to get rid of these little guys is pretty much the same as you would for any poseur anywhere, figure out a way to eject them from the venue, don’t waste your precious time lying around in bed, sniffing eucalyptus like some fucking hippy, get proactive and kick that cold’s ass. In the case of head colds, it’s really quite simple, you just need to shake those little fuckers loose with a world class round of headbanging (Dark Angel’s “Darkness Descends” is most effective to achieve this) the microposeurs will be ejected in a shower of snot and metal glory, and you can get back to the business of being metal.

Physical Injuries/ Broken Bones- Medical Science has made many great strides in its capacity to heal physical injuries in recent years. This once again demonstrates just how weak and unmetal the entire field of study is. Why, why I ask you, would any self-respecting metal warrior want to limp around in a cast like some weak pussy looking for sympathy from complete strangers? Physical wounds should be a sign of pride for anyone, evidence of your past glories in the pit, trophies to show each with their own mystical tale attached; “oh, this shattered knuckle? Yeah I got that in the pit. Some stupid little kid was practicing his karate moves when I roundhoused him. Ripped his head clean from his body. They’re still looking for the skull.” Don’t heal your wounds, preserve them. The more gruesome the better. That searing pain you’re feeling? That’s good for you; it proves you’re a man. Puts hair on your chest. Can’t take it? Well perhaps it’s time you took up flower arranging and baking with the rest of the little girls. Next...

Terminal Cancer- It’s no secret that cancer is a ravenous motherfucker and for many people is the ultimate test of the human spirit and their will and determination to survive. This is no different for metalheads. Once it progresses to a certain level, there is little that can be done to halt the vicious onslaught of cancer from taking your life... or so they say. There is a rumour, (it’s nothing more than a rumour mind you, and not even metal medical science has been able to verify this) that there is a cure from even the most hopeless case of cancer. However, the task involved is so arduous, so mind fuckingly impossible to achieve that only the most glorious of metal brethren, the one’s fit to ride with Oden, would even dare attempt it.

First, one must make the three day long journey on foot through swamps of misery and lakes of fire to arrive in the Grim and Frostbitten Kingdom. Then, one must scale the sheer 5 mile high cliff-face fighting tooth and nail for every inch gained to reach the place of legend... The Castle Keep of Tony Iommi. You can’t relax once you get into the castle though; there you’ll have to carefully avoid the man-eating trolls, the surly guitar techs and the impatient tour managers to ascend to the highest room of the tallest tower, which is guarded by none other than The Ghost of Ronnie James Dio. If you successfully answer his three riddles, you’ll be granted access to the most holy location in all metaldom... the Inner Sanctum of Tony Iommi. There, you must silently creep up to his slumbering form and extract a single drop of sweat. It is said that Tony Iommi’s sweat is endowed with the power of the God’s, and that a single drop has the ability to heal any ailment and even progress Medical Science by a hundred years.

Of course, there are many who believe the entire trip would be in vain, as the fact that Tony Iommi sweats at all is widely believed to be an urban myth, but none of those people have ever been courageous enough to go up there and prove it, so you never know...

Beholdeth the miracle child born devoid of sweat glands.

Achage in the Rectal Region- Please describe your symptoms in the comment section below and I’ll be happy to assign treatments on an individual basis...



Being Happy

The following takes place on my 7AM train commute:

Happy Harry: “La la lalalalala I’m so happy and cheery in the mornings that I just want to shout it out to the world in an incredibly loud and annoying voice. Oh boy, I certainly can’t wait to meet up with all of my good chums so that we can skip and laugh and play merrily and make grand memories together because life is just so peachy. I can’t understand why everyone isn’t as happy as me all the time. La la lalalalalalaaaa”

Me: “Hey, can you keep it down? It’s 7 in the morning and I can hear you over my earphones.”

Happy Harry: “Uh oh, looks like someone’s not a morning person. Well Grumpy Gus, you just need to turn that frown upside down! Don’t you know that if you smile the whole world smiles with you? Now come on, let’s see that winning smile I know you’re hiding from the world. I just bet that if you wore some brighter colours, you’d be a bit perkier.”

Me: ...


9PM News: Police are still baffled by this astonishing case of a man having his head literally shoved up his own rectum...

Less smiles and sunshine and more of this.

Most people that know me wouldn’t exactly say that I have a sunny disposition, and for the most part that’s something I’m proud of. I actively cultivate an air of negativity in my life.


Well, firstly because being grim and morbid is metal as fuck.

Secondly, what the fuck is there to be so happy about anyways? Life’s nothing more than an endless series of commitments that demand all of your time, money and abilities so you can have the privilege of gulping down oxygen, paying taxes, electing brain-dead, suit wearing monkeys to lead you and eventually dying and being forgotten.

And thirdly and most importantly, happy people aren’t Metal.

Now, hold on to your seats folks, cos I’m about to go all Yoda on you. Happiness leads to optimism. Optimism leads to inclusiveness. Inclusiveness leads to complacency. Complacency leads to open mindedness and as we all know, open mindedness is the worst sin any so-called metalhead can commit.

This presents something of a conundrum. It’s human nature to desire to be happy and content with ourselves and our surroundings and we’re naturally drawn to those that exude good vibes because they’re usually just fun to be around. But alas, this is not meant to be, for invariably you will find that any happy people will at some point prove themselves to be unmetal. No matter how much true metal they listen to, it’s just a matter of time until they reveal themselves as what they truly are. Usually it’s in one of two forms, complacency for the shitty musical taste of others and intolerance for the thick headed elitist attitude of pricks like me. They just don’t get it. They’re just too chill and easygoing because they’re too happy to be able to uphold the high standards of an elitist, and as such easily lapse into falseness. They seem to think it somehow isn’t necessary to constantly berate and one-up your metal peers. They see metal as a community of like-minded brothers and sisters in what is actually a brutal struggle for supremacy with no room for friends or any retarded niceties.

That’s not to say there isn’t any room for positivity in heavy metal, it’s some of the most uplifting and powerful music ever made, but its music created in adversity and the constant struggle to triumph over that adversity. It’s based on the indisputable truth that everything and everyone is out to fuck you over and the only way you’ll make it is by constantly kicking life’s ass. Not with some happy go lucky smiles and sunshine care bears bullshit.

Perhaps “happy” isn’t the best word to use here, “optimists” or “nice guys” may be more appropriate, but I think you all get the kind of people I’m on about.

“But what am I to do if I encounter one of these insufferable cretins?” I hear you ask, (or at least I would if most of you held English skills above that of the third grade), well, the answer really is quite simple. As Metal elitists, it’s your job to ensure you bring a little misery into everyone’s day, granted, this is usually in the form of berating someone’s inferior taste in music, but we can make an exception in this case. All these nitwits need is a simple dose of reality. Let’s face it, no one is really happy, we all hate our lives to some degree and anyone who seems happy has probably just lied to themselves enough to convince them they are in fact happy with earning 50 grand a year, and that they’re glad they stopped smoking pot and playing guitar in order to go to business school. Fortunately, this makes it rather easy to shatter their fragile emotional state and break them down to the level of a helpless infant.

If you encounter one of these people in public and they attempt to cheer you up by interacting with you, just turn them into the bad guy by aggressively stipulating that you have every right to be miserable because you’ve recently lost your mother due to her being run over by a school bus full of handicapped orphans on their way to clean a bunch of baby seals that had also been orphaned by a large oil spill (or something along these lines to shock the smile off their face). If your next door neighbour is one of these people, bleach their grass so it all dies and they have to wake up each morning to the sight of a grey and lifeless lawn. If you’re unfortunate enough to work with one of these people, release a deadly strain of Ebola in their office and buy them a crappy gift when you’re their Secret Santa. Basically anything you can think of to get the message across that overzealous happiness will not be tolerated. Of course, there is an exception in the form of people who are serving you. When I order a coffee or something, I don’t want the person behind the counter to be some slouchy, grumpy fuck, that’s just plain rude; I’d much rather some chirpy, happy go lucky person take my order, because serving me should be a pleasure. Besides, they already have to deal with the general public, so you just know they’re the most miserable creatures on the planet on the inside, it’s commendable that there’re able to suck it up and slap a fake smile on their face when they give me my expresso.

I’m sure all this relates to being Metal... somehow.

Stick it up your ass sunshine.


(i.e. not Brenocide)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Poseur Mail Saturday: It's actually Sunday. Who cares? Fuck you.

Verbal abuse will always hurt. Especially in your butt.
Is it that time again? I think it's that time again. That brief moment where time stands still and I decide to turn my attention to see what the poseurs have to say about this blog. Then you get see what I have to say back to them. Simple, right? Try to pay attention here, this isn't fucking rocket science. It's Rock It science, ya bitch:

Joseph said...
I would like to propose a question to the author, and anyone else that would like to answer my question. 
Why would you attend a concert if your intentions were to stand there emotionless, inactive, looking bored for 3 hours until the headliner plays?
This is where there is a major flaw in this article. I understand the main point "Play good music, or stop playing music all together", "Everyone is a poser but me"
The flaw in your 'logic' if we can call it that is this: you take absolutely no consideration for the fact of local bands, and the local scene. People that go to every show they can and have fun. A band doesn't necessarily have to be good to be loved.
It my opinion it is people like you that make the scene a bad place. The jackasses that stand there with their arms crossed the whole time and that "who just farted" face plastered on for hours at a time. Get over yourself.
People go out to alleviate stress and simply have fun. Who are you to judge someone for getting excited over the fact that a band is excited to play?
Why do you care if someone is screaming and jumping around.
Do what makes you happy.
Yours truly,
Someone that isn't a cunt.

That's actually a really excellent question, Joseph! "Why would I attend a concert if my intentions were to stand there emotionless, inactive looking bored for 3 hours until the headliner plays?" I completely agree. Why would anybody do that? I definitely don't have those intentions when I attend a live performance whatsoever. Believe me, I would prefer to have a good time, really. It just happens to turn out that I usually end up standing there for 3 hours until the headliner plays, completely unentertained, as no fault of my own whatsoever. You know who's fault it is? The band that sounds like musical tampons stinking up the stage, dumbass. Look man, I go to a show to hop around like a fruitcake fucktard and girly scream just like anybody else, and I plan to do exactly that when the band that I know for a fact is awesome takes the stage. Either that, or I will be pleasantly surprised by a band opening for them that I was not aware was awesome, and enjoy myself at that time. Don't bleed your anus all over my new linoleum floor just because I don't indiscriminately grab my pants and start yodeling with orgasmic delight the moment a warm body steps on the stage and starts fingering an instrument. Music that sucks will always be music that sucks. It doesn't matter if it's live or local. In fact, it's usually worse that way, because now I have fewer degrees of separation between myself and a musical act that sucks all sorts of mangy monkey meat.

Joseph, seen here when someone, anyone starts playing guitar near him.

So my "logic" (if I have the absolute audacity to dare call it such) is "flawed", huh? Well let's take your logic for a spin, Schrodinger. "A band doesn't necessarily have to be good to be loved." If I could make up an even dumber statement, I would. Alas, I can't. I don't know if anybody can. That probably takes the cake for the stupidest thing ever seriously said in the history of human speech. So let me get this straight; you love music even though you know for a fact that it blows? That's awesome dude. You keep doing that. I'm going to be over here with the rest of the people who have a fully functional brain. 

You see, it's one thing to think shitty music is good, but to know it's shitty music, and still like it anyway? Well, that's just beyond all comprehension to me and everyone smarter than you. So what if it's fucking local? Do you know what bands came from my area? Shadows Fall, All That Remains, and Killswitch Engage. Should I love those bands just because my algebra teacher failed one of them? You want me to go jam to some fucking ATR just because their members used to write shitty music or masturbate within a 10-mile radius of me? Why should we be forced as music lovers to hold some unwritten allegiance to our "local scene"? It doesn't really matter to me whether it's a bunch of guys in a garage next door to me or in a garage in Australia. If they're playing music that sucks, fuck them. "It my opinion it is" that I shouldn't get over myself, but you should get yourself over a bridge. Better luck next time, Joey. 

Anonymous said...
Fuck your shit, Wolves in the Throne Room kick ass live. Their fans are annoying as hell though, I'll give you that.

Yes, you are. You really, really are. At least you're honest with yourself.

toometalforyoursorryass said...

Hahaha! Stupid little cunt kids thinking you're elite. What a joke. You phonies sit there listening to your shitty black metal, but you have no clue what you're talking about. This is just another one of those phony wannabe elitist blogs filled with retarded articles about scene kids and metalcore. Haha, You idiots are not elitists, you're pussies. To achieve true elite status you must DO something for the metal community, not just sit there and talk bullshit about crap you know absolutely nothing about. Come back when you're a real elitist, kid.

So elitism is reserved only for those who "DO", (not just "do" with lowercase letters, which are only for pussies,) but "DO" something for the "metal community". Awesome advice fella, save for the part where you mention what you've done lately for anybody's community. You must have just forgotten to say, because it clearly sounds like you know what you're talking about. By the way, what's with you vag farts and your obsession with the concept of the "community" and the "scene"? What am I, in some fucking neighborhood I need to contribute to? Are we in a metal condominium? Am I supposed to look at the community board to find out what you need me to do exactly? Will there be a brutal town hall meeting? How many hours of true metal community service do I need to complete to achieve true metal status? Do I need to pick up trv trash on the kvlt highway? Do I need to attend metal assemblies at the high schools to teach metal kids about moshing safety? Should I go to a metal nursing home and read Heavy Metal in Baghdad to the old folks?

toometalforyoursorryass DOing his part, like a true elitist.
Obviously, I have nothing but questions for a hardened elitist such as yourself, good sir. I clearly have a lot to learn, and would appreciate your continued contribution to this page! My first question, after we get what good you are out of the way, would probably be why you would consider bands I have openly made comments about enjoying such as Dio, Manowar, Saxon, Judas Priest, Kreator, Sodom, Nile, Iron Maiden, Death, Amon Amarth, Accept and Blind Guardian to be "shitty black metal"? My next question would then be about where you get off wasting a perfectly good human's life worth of oxygen? There's a pillow up in your bedroom, bucko. Put your face in it and wait. 

breniside said...
hey im brenoside im very gay and i have no life i made this shit blog cuz im jealos on other bands cuz they have succes and money and talent and i will never have that so im just gonna hate ob shit. lol i hate deathcmetal and metalcore but i dunno why lol i think cuz im jealos on the bands and the fans cuz theyhave a life and i dont. i only listen to shitty gay ass black metal cuz i think its 'trooo metaalzz omg vikingf wizard medeieval satan!!!1111!!' but actully it sucks lol its just stupid gay shit an like mediaval crap lol sofuck me and stop reading my shittyass blog ok bye ps im very gay

To be fair, I guess I do say that a lot.

And for this next bit, I get to weed through a flood of comments that Richard Sjunnesson formerly of Sonic Syndicate probably posted on my blog while disguised as his non-existent fans. Long story short, Sjunnesson sent a bunch of his teeny bopper fans my way because he has the professionalism and integrity of a baby carrot, and is continuing his tirade against me and the blog despite months and months after I forgot he was still a thing. I don't really feel like bothering with the guy anymore, because at this point, I have more fans and I am more highly recognized in the music world than he is, but his cunthurt fans are still totally free game.

 Sjunnesson wanted to see what it looked like to be surrounded by friends who understood him.

Anonymous said...

I don't know who this guy to define a band taht exist aout mroe than 10years so
you 15year old-boy do what they did from 2000 then u can critize them.

This is nonsense
You judge them because of this one event
anyway you said:, "I couldn't really give less of a shit."
"I'm not still bragging about it. I'm not dwelling on it. I'm not even really all that proud of what I did to them. I've moved past it to bigger and better things."
then why are you cite Sonic Syndicate with THE SAME THING ALL OVER AND OVER taht "what a 'buttcore' band because they wrote a song about a disaster "
yes they wrote, at least they are creative
If U looked up some of their lyrics u would realize taht they CAN write good music
but anyway u don't care cuz u listen to one genre (what i sumamrized up reading ur post)and anything that IS REALLY metal (okay I know they have many melodic songs and that's more metal than the new album)you say oh taht's sucks because u don't like it

and the second mistake.
"He decided that getting rid of the screamo vocals for a more mainstream sound "didn't fly with this crow" and he moved on to different things. Probably because he can't sing anything but screamo, and didn't have a choice"
If u can ever put a one minute power to read his blog's first entry then u realize that's not what he decide to do in WRTN and tahts why he quit
read out twice what you are writing before posting them

I know this is asking a lot, really I do. But do you maybe, I dunno, want to try saying all of that all over again except with a little less... what's the word I'm looking for here... derp? I want you to focus really hard on your last sentence there, my anonymous friend. Even though it looks like you translated it through Google or something, it's still really great fucking advice. You should put "one minute power to" proof-read your comments. Afterwards, you can go WRTN all you want, or whatever.

I also love how everyone assumes just because I still have strict standards in my musical preference that there's no way I couldn't be a child. I guess 15-year-olds look really young and immature when you deal with them all the time at the age of 17. (Those fucking sophomores...) It's like when you become an adult, you're just supposed to give up on life and automatically pretend to enjoy everything, so you can avoid conflict and make everything easier for yourself. I don't need to pretend to love everything just to feel better about my life. That's what alcohol is for. 

Anonymous said...
this is actually pretty hilarious, part sad, but hilarous none the less. We have a kid, obsessed whit generes, so obsessed that he makes a blog about it to tell people they what is and is not metal. Calling people wannabe metalheads and posers but fails to see the irony in what hes doing.

Meanwhile hes critizing someones knowledge of the english language when he knows that person comes from a part of the world where english aint their primary languge while the only words he seems to have in his own vocabulary is "butthurt" and "retard".

Critizing someones music is fine but when cant do it without start making fun of the creators name cuz your to ignorant to understand, that just shows how you lack valid and intelligent arguments to back your opinion up. Or how you would put it "seems like someone is to butthurt to think straight"

I don't think you're a wannabe or a poseur, Anonymous. I just think you're retarded and butthurt.

With that said, I have absolutely no issue breaking down for you specifically why Sonic Syndicate is a terrible band. Making fun of the way he talks, looks and his queefy name is just a whole lot funnier. Seriously, you have to take my typical readership into consideration here when I'm discussing bands that aren't very good at making music. I don't really need to break down and explain why they sound shitty to the guys that read my blog. Most of them have ears that work. 

Blueflame said...
This is the most idiotic piece of bullshit that I have read in my entire life.
Honestly, this band's music saved my life. And Richard happens to be my hero, even though he left Sonic Syndicate.
You can't just listen to only one song by a band and then judge them. You have to listen to ALL of their music, old and new, to make complete judgements about them. You can't judge them based on that one song for fucks sake.

So you can shut the fuck up about my favourite band in the world and stick your ignorant head up your filthy ass.

Really? I have to listen to every second of Sonic Syndicate's discography before I get to form an opinion about them? Well Blueflame, you got me there. I guess no matter what I say, I have no clue how fucking terrible Sonic Syndicate can truly get. Do you really want to open up your favorite band to that much criticism? If that's the case, I absolutely accept your challenge. Send me your e-mail address, enough cash for a 1-Liter of Jameson Irish Whiskey through PayPal, and I will sit down and listen to every fucking Sonic Syndicate song ever. Then, I will write you a track by track review and send it to you. If I walk out of that situation a fan, I will gladly refund your money. Send enough for two, just in case. Screw it, just send me all your money. You're spending it on nothing but shitty albums anyway. 
Sjunnesson, pictured here with the fan that's threatening to kill me.

Anonymous said...
This gave me quite the laugh. You are such a person one loves to hate, just simply such a genre freak and hater that a person like me.. Yes I am mentally unstable.. would love to vandalize your body with my tools of choice. Why? Not because I am a fanboy or anything, just because you do not appreciate life, nor do you deserve it. One day I will find you and that day will be the day when a different shade of blue brings out the best in you..

Honestly, I have to admit. When I read this, a shiver went down my spine.

Then I farted.

You want to vandalize my body with your tools of choice, eh? Are you going to gag-ball me, strap me to a table and give me a harsh handie I won't soon forget? When you said "shade of blue" did you really mean "white"? Seriously, I'm very flattered, but I'm just going through some shit right now. A relationship, even if it would be strictly sexual, just isn't for me at this time and place in my life. I might consider it if you were really hot, so if you wanted to send me some nude pics to prove that, definitely feel free to. You seem pretty up front about getting naughty with me, but maybe we can just spend some time to getting to know each other first? I mean, I don't even know your name or anything. Let's just take things slow, talk a bit and see where things go from there? I'm saying all this on the preconceived notion that you are indeed a female, as it's totally out of the question for anyone with a pair of testicles to listen to the single most pussy metalcore band ever. I'm just taking that whole "fanboy" thing as a figure of speech...

Call me!

- Brenocide \,,/