Those Big Hot Topic Pants

GO HOME AND CHANGE. 

I've been holding on to this one for a while...

For months I have pondered whether or not making mention of something so ridiculous, so out of bounds, so unmetal was actually necessary. The day I begin writing about unmetal things so obvious as "Oprah", "Martha Stewart" or "Meshuggah", I hope you have enough sense to stop visiting and reading my blog. Alas, I still feel a strong need to bury this one. I haven't attended a metal show yet where this form of dress was not worn by several young individuals; sweeping the grime off the beer and vomit-soaked concert floor wherever their big, silly goth kid pants dragged behind them. If someone hasn't already said it twice, I'll say it again, because it bears repeating: those big obnoxious pants you buy from Hot Topic are the least metal article of clothing on the planet. 

This over-sized attire is often referred to as "bondage pants". Bondage pants are characterized as such, due to the chains and straps that are draped around, hooked, and sewn to each gargantuan pant leg. The terminology leaves me a bit puzzled, as the "bondage" that I have familiarized myself with doesn't typically require any pants at all. (Just a lot of rope and a scared Japanese girl.) Bondage pants take the chain wallet concept to the extreme: cut out the wallet, and just cover your pants with giant swinging chains. Everyone can hear you coming from yards away: the sounds of cheap fabric scraping against the floor under your skater shoes, chains and grommets jingling and clanging against one another, and a curse-laden dialogue so you can overcompensate for how tough and edgy you think you are. When I hear all of these things coming from around the corner, I turn and walk the other way. I want nothing to do with what your presence is about to offer me.

The majority of these behemoth slacks are designed by the clothing company Tripp NYC. Tripp is an enormous fashion supplier for Hot Topic outlet stores here in the States. They design stupid looking jackets, lingerie, hats, shirts, pants, boots, you name it. If it's an article of clothing, Tripp NYC will figure out some way to make it in black and stick some handcuffs and grommets on it. Hot Topic offers a wide variety of ridiculous fashion, from goth to emo, hipster to "geek chic". You'll find some decent metal band shirts there, but every time I venture into the Hot Topic at my local mall to find such, I immediately regret it. The radio blares with crycore from opening to closing. I am half-heartedly greeted by some tattooed, pierced, pretentious scenester jerk off slumped behind the counter, putting off organizing the Insane Clown Posse shirts on the clearance rack like he's supposed to be doing. He then asks me if I need help finding anything. At this point, it's usually a gun. I digress...

This is what an ass that needs kicking looks like. 

What I find so bizarre about the bondage pants phenomena, is even though Hot Topic tries to keep itself trendy and cutting edge, these tremendous trousers were an eyesore for me even at the start of my high school days. That was a decade ago. Hot Topic has not stopped carrying these things since then, and they only look more ridiculous as time goes on. They aren't hip, they aren't trendy, they don't look good, yet Hot Topic still sells enough to keep them on the shelves; selling a pair for $60-$80 a pop.

Here are some defining characteristics of the types of individuals who wears bondage pants:

1. They thoroughly enjoy Invader Zim, or any other similar ADHD-fueled children's cartoon that involves 22 minutes of shrieking an episode. 
2. They wear an over-sized, baggy band shirt or hoodie so they can keep up with their frumpy "pile of dirty laundry" look.
3. They love things that are "random" and describe themselves as such. 
4. Slipknot is, and forever will be, the greatest band of all time. Ever... 
5. Next to Tool of course.
6. They decorate themselves with other Hot Topic accessories, like studded wrist bands, beanies, etc.
7. www.vampirefreaks.com

With the exception of your occasional camouflage shorts, Heavy Metal is a jeans-only uniform. Black or blue, acid-washed, stone-washed, new or mangled, don't care. As long as you find that perfect, straight leg balance in between ghetto baggy and sister's pants tight. (Neither extremes are acceptable). In fact, jeans are so welcome and appreciated in the metal community, that the more denim you have on, the better. Ask any of your friendly thrash metal fans, and they will explain this concept to you thoroughly.

So don't make the janitor's life at the metal show any easier. Leave that pair of street sweepers at home and do everybody a god damn favor. Especially yourself...