Sunday, January 9, 2011

Yelling The Song You Want to Hear at a Show

"HEARTWORK!! HEARTWOOOOORK!!!"

I'm sure after reading my blog for some time, you have ascertained that I have familiarized myself with a wide variety of "that guy" species at metal shows. Today specifically, we're going to be discussing one of the most common, and certainly the most prominent: Screamus Ignoramus. Better known as the guy who yells the one song he wants to hear for the entirety of the band's set. Considering venue patrons numbering in the hundreds to the thousands, it is a guarantee that at least one of the many people attending will be such a guy. Equipped with toddler-like egocentrism and an even more toddler-like patience, he wants to hear only one song from the band everyone came to see, and he wants to hear it right now.


We can only assume that due to his obnoxious behavior, the experience that ignoramus has with the headlining musical act is either a single music video that caught his eye, a single track he heard on Pandora radio, or a single MP3 file that one of his very few unfortunate friends sent him. With his inexcusable actions, I find it impossible to believe that his fandom for the metal band he came to see goes beyond only the one song he hollers over and over at the top of his lungs. And I do mean over and over. This troglodyte will scream, wail, screech, squeal and howl the one song title at a progressively higher volume until he hears the band play it. At the moment he hears the song he wanted, he will cease his aural onslaught, and swell with delusional pride, convinced that the band heard his voice over the many others, and specifically obliged to his demands.


The tragic part about all of this is due to his exceptionally low I.Q, and inability to think for himself, this loudmouth typically wants to hear the band's most popular song; ergo; their last. Meaning you are going to have to put up with his barking for the entirety of the band's set, if they know enough about what's going on to not do it for the entirety of the concert. We can only hope.


Shut your stupid suck hole, you clown. This isn't a wedding, the bands are not taking requests...

LOL WUTS DAT

Take a good, long look at this. It's called a "set list". Every good touring metal act has one. The band plays the songs on the list, in order, from start to finish. The first song first, the last song last.  Except for the occasional curve ball now and again, the band does not stray from the songs on this list and the order that they are in.  Your hollering has little to no effect on what song the band is going to play, or when they are going to play it. I say little effect, because back in November at a Blind Guardian show, I witnessed a pack of wild screamus ignoramuses chanting the song title "Majesty" with one another in unison. Being the swell guy that Hansi is, he took a pause, asked the crowd "Do you really want to hear that song?" and then they actually played it, despite it not being on the set list for that tour. Blind Guardian unsheathed a double-edged sword that night: It was cool because it proved the guys in Guardian care about the fans, but also not cool because it was a victory for "those guys" everywhere.

Unfortunately, as a metal fan, there's really not much you can do about these loudmouths outright. Violence is always a great solution, but more often than not, will get you thrown out of the venue. You can always kindly tell him to "STFU", if the volume of your voice permits you to do so. This however, may put you at risk, for some folks might think you're directing your remarks towards the band. Indeed, the band members are the only people with the power to deal with screamus ignoramus properly. The best and most professional method is to ignore his nonsense altogether. He'll lose steam eventually, and more often than not, you're going to play the song he wants to hear at some point. If he is obnoxious enough to get on your nerves and distract you from playing, feel free to humiliate him in front of everyone by telling him to suck it over the microphone. You're the artist, get creative. Don't worry about him not liking your band anymore, he's the worst kind of fan anyway, and makes you guys look bad.

WRITE YOUR FAVORITE METAL SONG IN ALL CAPS WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS IN THE COMMENT SECTION BELOW, DEMANDING THE BAND ON STAGE TO PLAY IT IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE YOU SAID SO!!!

22 comments:

  1. BLEEDING MASCARA!!! Wait... what??

    ReplyDelete
  2. BOOTS AND BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. pooppoop i want yo insidemeh1/09/2011 2:08 PM

    messugah bleed....bleed

    ReplyDelete
  4. FREEBIRD!!!

    ...cough

    ReplyDelete
  5. I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND!!!!!!!!!!

    erhmm uhmmm uhh... I mean... uhh

    HAMMER SMASHED FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. TURN THE PAGE!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. ST. ANGER!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. THE PLANET THAT ONCE USED TO ABSORB FLESH IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE DIVINITY AND IMMORTALITY (SUFFOCATED TO THE FLESH THAT IT DESIRED)!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. SPHERES OF MADNESS!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. A friend of mine saw Isis a couple of years ago. There was one of these turdballs who kept shouting for them to play Celestial or something. Eventually they actually did - but before doing so Aaron Turner said "this song's for every single one of you - except THIS guy". Instant respect.

    ReplyDelete
  11. PAPYRUS CONTAINING THE SPELL TO PRESERVE ITS POSSESSOR AGAINST ATTACKS FROM HE WHO IS IN THE WATER!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was at that Blind Guardian show and Hansi didn't seem disgruntled. I checked out their Facebook page the next day and to all appearances they were adding a song to most performances; they would post which extra song they played. It is possible that those 4 or so guys were aware of this fact and took advantage of it. I am not arguing with the premise, just your choice of supporting evidence.

    ReplyDelete
  13. deathmetalelite9/10/2011 9:05 AM

    EATEN!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. ENTER SANDMAN!!!!!!! ENTER SANDMAAAAAAAN !!!!!

    ..... fuck metallica....

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh my lord...this reminds me so much of Diamond Head...besides hearing people scream "SLAAAAAAAYERRRRRRRRRRR" every five seconds, there were a good number of idiots each song who couldn't help but scream "AM I EVIL". Even when they PLAYED the song, they still were requesting it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. NECK BREAKING FURYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I bet you never heard of the band that plays it.

    Bwahahahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  17. V!
    (Iced Earth)

    ReplyDelete
  18. ProtesttheZero5/16/2012 6:05 PM

    OBZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. DIMINISHING BETWEEN WORLDS!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. PLAY YELLOW SUBMARINE BY THE BEATLES WHILE SCUBA DIVING UPSIDE DOWN!!!!!!! Because that's sooooooooo metal.

    ReplyDelete

All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.