Awful Metal Video of the Week: EDENBRIDGE - Higher

So it looks as if once again, we're finding ourselves back in the alternate realm that is symphonic metal with this week's Awful Metal Video. Specifically, we will be taking a good, long, hard look at Austrian female-fronted fairy metal outfit, Edenbridge. I hope you're as excited about this as I am, because today's video was suggested by Trey Lee Montpetit of Springfield, Massachusetts. This is the first video that a Facebook user was able to disgust me with so greatly, that I wrote about it on the page. Good for you, Trey. If you want to get your shot at horrifying me, go to the Facebook page and rock the discussion section with unmetal suggestions and videos. You see, I am currently conducting an ongoing experiment testing the exact number of bad music videos the human psyche can withstand before finally breaking. I think today we're going to find out that number...

So as I mentioned before, Edenbridge is an Austrian symphonic metal band with a woman for a singer. The woman, Sabine Edelsbacher certainly looks good in photo. Much like any female vocalist would, standing front and center; glowing, fully airbrushed, and with all her mopey-looking male musicians standing in the background, sullen and blurry-faced...

I'd like to give her a little try.

As the music video will reveal however, the reality of Edelsbacher's appearance is fairly grim when you see her in living motion, even with a monstrous amount of makeup. Not to say she isn't pretty, but she's more mom pretty, or better yet, high school teacher pretty. She's like that younger-than-most teacher who sure isn't gorgeous, but just hot enough to make you stare with your pubescent, hormone-driven, indiscriminating gaze for a little too long. She'll be trying to talk to you about geometry, but the only circumference that interests you is that of her modest rack. So with that, let's begin today's lesson in bad metal videos with Edenbridge's "Higher"...

The video starts out with Lanvall Lanvall (first name Lanvall, last name Lanvall, seriously) playing a grand piano. Already, I'm upset. Therion tried to pull this crap on me last week. Like I said before, I know a keyboard when I hear one. Roadies are certainly an enthusiastic bunch, but a grand piano is asking a lot. Just when you think you're about to hear some Barnes & Noble worthy, soft piano sounds, for the duration of the song, that's when the glorious heavy metal semi that is Edenbridge t-bones you with pure, unadulterated rock. The band starts rocking out and you're all "power chords and distortion whoa". It's got the intensity of watching Robin Williams getting a Brazilian bikini wax. Watch out, because Edenbridge is bringing the house down. Where's the bassist?

Okay so we got this Hell's Angel looking dude here, let's call him the Bald Viking. Bald Viking looks stressed out. He's in some busted castle and he's super frustrated about it. He's pulling at those bars, is he trapped in there? I guess he's trapped, although he seems to have a lot of freedom to move about for somebody who's in a type of confinement for medieval times. I might not be much of a history buff, but from what I heard, a medieval dungeon situation didn't allow you much option to roam freely. Nor should he look so vibrant and well-fed. Regardless, he's pissed off about something. Alright so here's this big mirror in the room, that's gotta be important right? Okay, now he's putting on a cape, and... oh... oh god damn it, he's playing swords in his room and looking in the mirror to see how cool it makes him look. He's just some god damn nerd playing swords. Awesome.

Alright, I can't ignore it anymore. Are those bubbles? Bubbles? Really, Edenbridge? Did you order a fog machine for your video, and get a bubble machine delivered to you instead? What the hell, disagree with me on every other nonmetal point I make, but bubbles are really, really not metal. Not even a little bit. As ridiculous as symphonic metal is even it should have it's limits. I mean: bubbles. Wow.

Back to Bald Viking, WHOA there was a guy in the mirror! Wow, someone caught you playing swords dude, how embarrassing. So when Bald Viking turns, there's no one there, which only means that it's time to investigate. Bald Viking reveals to us that he was never really confined at all, so I guess he was just pulling on those bars to check their durability or something. He kicks down the door to reveal the video's antagonist!

Joey Jordison? Kick his ass, BV! 

So whenever Edelsbacher sings a note in this video, she looks really surprised about it. Just a complete look of bewilderment at the sound of her own voice, her eyes and smile constantly widening. It's kind of like when you watch Herman Li play a guitar solo, he smiles goofily and looks down, amazed at himself. Like he wished for guitar playing mastery from a genie, and is just a little boy looking down amazedly at his newfound shredding powers in front of everybody. I digress...

Joey Jordison and Bald Viking are clumsily banging their swords together to and fro, until they finally take things outdoors. This hardly seems fair, as Bald Viking has the two swords, and Jordison, only the one. Soon, Jordison proves what all renaissance fair dorks know; that a man who knows what he's doing with just one sword can easily smite a n00b thrashing about with two. He totally cuts down our bud, Baldy, and he lies there, bleeding on the ground where he fell epic-style. The Slipknot drummer then leers over him, victorious. I really just want to know what's going at this point. What happens next, hardly helps anything...

The white mask is removed, to reveal none other than [SPOILER ALERT]... Bald Viking. What? I guess this was all some kind of wacky metaphor for an inner struggle of some kind? I don't know. Okay, now he's back in the room from before and there's... candles and... the mask... okay... diamond? OH, now it all makes sense. Okay, he was looking for gemstones. Cool.

I don't really have a lot against symphonic metal as a genre, but much like Therion, Edenbridge kind of sucks. When I was doing my homework for this video, I saw that their new album was topping the Indonesian rock charts. Wow. I didn't know there was a way to keep track of bootleg sales, but I guess so. Anyway, congratulations on that, but I'm pretty sure my blog has been read by 3 or 4 people from Indonesia, making it the single most visited internet blog in the entire country. Suck that, Edenbridge.