Friday, January 7, 2011

Using a Guitar as a Skank Accessory

A "Gio" Ibanez is really cheap. That makes two of them.

I definitely had a lot more fun writing this particular post than any of the other ones I have prepared thus far. Mainly due in part that the majority of the photographs I came across pertaining to today's subject matter were delightfully NSFW. I love the internet sometimes. But not all the time. Usually because the internet is chock full of pseudo-artistic females with a tendency to abuse Photoshop's filter gallery, and also the half-naked bi-products of inferior parenting who shamelessly pine for inappropriate male attention. If one however, were to combine the worst of both these groups, the result would be a scantily-clad girl suggestively holding a musical instrument. This is a clever way for many of these young women to translate to the world that they are "hip, edgy, artistic" and also "kind of a slut."

Babes holding guitars is by no means a fresh concept. Just ask Guitar World magazine. Much like babes with hot rods, babes with motorcycles, or even babes with guns, there has always been something tantalizing about a gorgeous woman getting her hands and body all over a piece of equipment that you would regularly use. Not to mention the not-so-subtle imagery of her dainty fingers firmly stroking the guitar's neck and her pink tongue curling around the tip of the guitar's head. Yowza. The big difference between Guitar World magazine and Facebook however, is that Guitar World hires paid models to seductively cling their expensive instruments in photograph. You are not a model. You are an average or under-average chick with a Squier that you keep in your room as a decoration.

She got a bass because she was told it would be easy. That makes two of them.
Don't get me wrong. The last place I want to be is on a side that opposes the act of women removing their clothing. The musician in me however, can't help himself. God forbid I strongly feel that a guitar is meant to be played. It is not a fashion statement. It is not an accessory. No matter how cheap or basic, an electric guitar is a tool to rock with. I hard press anyone to find an amplifier in the bedroom of any of these floozies. (If you actually do find yourself in one of their bedrooms, then high-five.) Unless of course the amp came in the box she bought the guitar in. In fact, if you asked her if she knew any "chords", she would probably start digging through that box to see if she could find the one that plugs into her amp.  

It is safe to say that I am fiercely skeptical of any of these fine ladies' guitar playing capabilities. I'm not claiming that women can't play guitar well, (as tempted as I am to say that outright to offend). I'm just saying that the ones who are serious about it don't spend their time posing with an instrument to turn on anonymous creeps on Myspace. Probably the biggest piece of evidence supporting my theory of their inabilities, is that almost every guitar you see in these kinds of photographs are the cheap, shitty ones. Squier seems to be pretty popular, as well as budget Chinese-made Jacksons, BC. Riches, Epiphones, etc. We're talking a $100-150 guitar here, at the most. Somebody who is serious about playing has developed an ear for guitar quality, and typically has saved up their pennies for something at least a bit more substantial. The second biggest piece of evidence would be that in the pictures where they are kind of pretending to play, they're always doing something wrong, whether it be the lay out of their fingers or the angle from which they strum the guitar. There is nothing less sexy to me than a woman with something in her hands that she doesn't know what to do with. It says a lot.


I honestly feel that a woman who can play a guitar and play it well is in a dozen ways far more sexy and attractive than some naked skank rubbing suggestively against her ex boyfriend's cheap axe. And I love naked skanks. 

If you're a woman who can actually play guitar, or if you want to make mention of any famous female shredders, let me know in the comments below! Any mention of "Kittie" and you've lost the game.


  1. Sorry, brother, but I have to disagree with you about using the guitar as a skank accessory. Skanks are metal and guitars are metal. So too is the fact that this is a complete phallic gesture, with the girl's hands around a smooth neck, perhaps stroking the head, plucking at the strings just a little ... Sex is totally metal, just as is exploiting sex to make your music or products successful. However, using un-metal stock models is not metal. Just because the model dyes her hair, has piercings, or wears leather does not mean she's metal or listens to metal, or will ever be metal, even if she rocks hard.

  2. We're not talking about exploitation of sex to sell products or music, we're talking about exploitation of one's self to appear as something artistic and deep, when really you are just a stupid skank. None of these broads can play guitar, and when they take photos of themselves with them, they are POSEURS. Poseurs, as you should know, are the sworn enemy to all good metalheads. Sexy or not. If you're a metal skank, just be a skank. Take your clothes off and show us your ink and piercings, whatever. Don't disgrace Heavy Metal's most sacred tool by placing it into your unworthy hands.

  3. FromtheDeep9991/07/2011 4:35 PM

    Truthfully, i cant agree with this more. I understand Ty's statement from a 'marketing' standpoint. But, for the sake of reality, all they'r doing is marketing themselves, as whorish liars.

  4. Are we talking about them posing as guitar players or using it as an accessory? You are assuming they are all posing as players. In some images this distinction is unclear, meaning that there is the potential they are posing with the instrument alluringly, enticing their bedmate (who could potentially be you if you buy this product). Therefore, I still stand behind my comments. This is strictly a METAL marketing ploy. In the images where this is not the case and they are totally posing as players, then yes, I agree with you: they are unmetal phonies (which I mean in the same angsty teen manner as Holden Caufield).

  5. How is it a "marketing ploy" when 22-year-old, 3-times-pregnant Connie from Bumblefuck, Arkansas wraps her droopy cans around the neck of a 5-year-old Squier in the bedroom of her trailer and posts camera pictures of it on Myspace? You're standing behind comments made to nobody about nothing. If you want me to go as far as making an appropriate argument for you, we can say that the women aren't trying to translate they play guitar, but that they are sexually enticing guys who do. That's where we run into problems. Guys like to look at nice cars and they like to look hot women. So we have a lot of pictures of hot cars and hot women. Makes sense. But its almost like this concept is thrown away when chicks pose with guitars. The guitar never has to be nice, it just has to be a guitar. It's like a hot model spreading herself out on the hood of a 93 Ford Taurus when a hot chick poses with a Gio Ibanez. Shouldn't we have restrictions with instruments as well? Even the trashy skanks on social networking sites know to pose half-naked with the motor vehicles that are sporty and expensive. Shouldn't the same rule apply to guitars as well?

  6. I just sidetracked and spent 2 hours jerking off to pictures of babes humping a Ford Taurus. Thanks a lot Brenocide.

  7. 2 hours?! That's a masturbathon. Were they just not sexy enough, or was there too much great material to stop the fun?

  8. you say you want female shredders?

    Nita Strauss, her myspace song sucks, her all female band sucks, but any girl that was picked to shred with As Blood Runs Black on tour is ok in my book.


    The video isn't the greatest quality in the world, and this isn't really metal, but in my opinion this woman is downright sexy with a guitar. I urge you to give it a listen through.

  10. I know that this is a little late, haha but I am definitely a chick who plays guitar... unfortunately.. I still have a crap Squire guitar, and borrowing my friend's beginner LTD.. just haven't been able to save up for a new guitar, but I am this summer. (In college and all)

  11. You won't say it but i will, women suck at Metal, yes. Let's look at the facts, as this blog pointed out what do they usually play? Simple keyboards or vocals (most being shitty) that's it. Can't mention Kittie because yah they suck balls. How often do you see them playing anything? If you do it will be a bass......
    Only once or twice have i seen a chick playing decent guitar and it wasn't metal, props to the few who are good on youtube, but the fact is they have yet to make it into a decent band.

  12. Not metal, but Marissa Paternoster of Screaming Females does some totally kickass shredding. Just wait for teh solo. I'm going to marry this woman.

  13. "Women suck at metal"

    Maybe you should talk with Bolt Thrower's bassist Jo Bench about your (stupid) ideas about genres in metal.

    Women don't suck at metal. Stupid people DO suck ant metal, doen't care if they're a boy, a girl or your mother-father redneck hybrid.

  14. Mentioning As Blood Runs Black is just as bad if not worse than mentioning Kittie.

  15. Sten Sarapson2/06/2012 2:18 AM

    Liz Buckingham from Electric wizard lays down some of the heavyest riffs...
    Also Laura Pleasants from Kylesa is kickass!..
    Wata from Boris is amazing...
    Anna Luisma of Haemorrhage...
    Gallhammer is all girls...

    Most of these are bands from the Doomy side of Metal...

    Usually, when bands have female members they make a big deal out of it(I dont even understand why do they have other bandmembers on the pictures of Epica, Lacuna Coil and the rest of those shitty female fronted Symphonic PowerGoth bands)...

    That's what I love about Doom...
    The genre is underground by its nature...
    I don't know any Doom bands that have sold out or fucked up...

  16. Sten Sarapson2/06/2012 2:18 AM

    PS: As Blood Runs Black sucks...

  17. too bad, i like Kittie, what are you gunna do, call me a fag? You win the internet award of the year.


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.