Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Dying your Hair

Always check for an Adam's apple. Always.
The dictionary definition of a poseur is "a person who pretends to be what he or she is not". I don't have to tell any of you kids that poseurs are the sworn enemies of true metal: you wouldn't be reading this blog if you didn't know that already. So if we take into consideration a person who enters our mortal realm, naturally bestowed with locks of blonde, brown, or red hair, but uses a hazardous chemical treatment to paint the the top of their skull black, they are a person pretending to be something they are not: a black-haired person.

You are not a black-haired person. Unless of course you are a black-haired person. 

Black is the most metal of all colors, because it isn't even a real color. It's just an empty, colorless void of NOTHING. We metalheads like our shirts, jackets, shoes, jeans, accessories, and our coffee to be as black as our metal. So I understand the reason why you would want your hair to match the rest of your get up. I also realize that there are a large number of metal artists with unnaturally black or color-treated hair. For some of these musicians feel that their hair is their livelihood, and of course they're going to want it to look as cool as it is long. This hardly effects my stance on the matter...

If you're in your bathroom all night, wearing rubber gloves and old clothes, mixing up color chemicals, applying Vaseline to your forehead, covering your hair in bands, clips, tin foil, and then proceeding to mutilate your scalp and roots with toxic waste all in the efforts to look cool, different, or attract attention: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE TRYING TOO HARD. 

When we go through life dealing with other people, the act of somebody being false or fake as a human being doesn't usually take a physical manifestation. It's not typically something you can understand just by looking at someone. You usually have to get to know people first; converse with them for a while before you inevitably figure out that they're full of themselves or just full of shit. People with colored hair however, (and its always obvious, always) are one of the few exceptions. They make life a lot easier for people like you and I. We recognize they're trying to be something that they're not from the very get go, and from there, we can make the educated decision to either not deal with them, or throw beer in their face upon approach. 
If you headbutt your monitor, I'm not responsible for the damages.
The worst offenders of this violation are the rainbow headed scene queens, in their tireless pursuit of attracting everybody's attention, positive, or negative. Allow me to clear something up as well - there's no such thing as a "scene king". Male or female, you're just a queen. Look at you. I don't really understand the motivation behind making your hair look like a box of Crayolas, although a couple of years ago, WKUK might have hit the nail on the obnoxious, spiky blue head:

Although coloring your hair like My Little Pony isn't as rampant in the metal community as it is in other scenes, it still happens, and inexcusably so. You're going to see it on females more than anyone else, which leaves you without an ass to kick, but to chase instead. This works out really well for us on the male side of the metal spectrum; you can genuinely tear into her about her stupid hair color, and all the negative attention is going to make her want to have sex with you. It's just science. This is especially effective when she goes to a show with the boyfriend stupid enough to take her.
Kill it with fire.
For the metalheads who dyed their hair and are seeking true metal redemption, don't dye your hair back like a douche idiot. You made the mistake, now you can either shave it off, or just grow it out until it goes away. Your punishment is that you're going to either have to be bald, or look like a gay jaguar for a couple of weeks until it's all natural again. That's your fault, not mine.

We in the metal elite pride ourselves on our genuine nature, and trueness not only to our genre, but to ourselves. You should wave your all natural, unkempt manes of glorious awesome in the frigid winds like they are flags of your true metal majesty - not to be tread upon by scissors, gels or dyes. I would gladly tell you that you should just be happy with the way God made you, but we all know God isn't real, and that would be silly. Just don't dye your hair like a phony. End of story. 


  1. Fortunately you don't have to respect a girl with stupid hair to have sex with her. That's why I just jerked it to zebra stripes up there.

  2. Agreed, with the exception of females who dye their hair one different color and don't do stupid scene raccoon anus hair.

  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  4. Being a poser or wannabe surely isn't metal, but i see no reason to go so far to ban every hair coloring person from the face of the metal world. Figure that AESTHETICS has got nothing to do with METAL, although on the wider scope we try to recognize metalheads. Metal is pure power of the sound from your drums, your guitars, your bass, your other instruments that you could add to get the power you need. Metal is raw musical communication, and you can do it well with pink hair.

    By the way i would never color my hair, do a tattoo and never ever have a piercing, it's my own decision and i like to be natural (witch i see what you try to say here)... but i think it is all cool. And you are right for some things but wrong for the other.

    PS. I have a blog about processing information where you might have some inspiration how to look a things http://goranantic.blogspot.com/2011/03/safety-first.html


  5. Seriously this is as gay as it gets!!!!! dying your hair is for scene kids and homos!!!!

    1. I die my hair, not so much, but a couple of bright highlights.. not much. But i am sure that i am not homosexual. i am a girl and i only date boys. I don't see how experimenting with my hair a little makes me a lesbian. Can you explain?

    2. I see no problem with girls dying their hair. This is girls stuff, damnit. Now, when men do this...

  6. I see people with rainbow hair all the time where i work and its RIDICULOUS how much time they take to make it that way then they just dye it again next week! I hope there hair falls out one day. my hair is long, natural and is never to be dyed. Hell, i havent even cut it in 5 years...

  7. I'm not scene, but my hair has been died with pink/green highlights before. I don't consider myself a poser, but do you think i am?

    1. If you're asking if you're a poseur, you probably are.

  8. is that fag wearing a hello kitty necklace?!?!?!?!

  9. Wow ok so I was like yeah I like this and other shit, but then we got to the bottom saying we all know God is not real.. that is a big fat lie. And it pisses me off. This is going on Tumblr bitches. And stfu about the anonymous people.

  10. To be perfectly honest, I think this statement here contradicts your main thesis:
    "Black is the most metal of all colors, because it isn't even a real color. It's just an empty, colorless void of NOTHING."
    If the person's soul IS a darkless, formless, void, then I don't see why they can't dye their hair black. It only makes sense if they are that colorless void.
    I would argue that a black/death metalhead can get away with dying his hair black but all the other types of metalheads out there should just stick with the color of their own hair.
    For more information: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Make_Black_Metal


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.