Dying your Hair

Always check for an Adam's apple. Always.

The dictionary definition of a poseur is "a person who pretends to be what he or she is not". I don't have to tell any of you kids that poseurs are the sworn enemies of true metal: you wouldn't be reading this blog if you didn't know that already. So if we take into consideration a person who enters our mortal realm, naturally bestowed with locks of blonde, brown, or red hair, but uses a hazardous chemical treatment to paint the the top of their skull black, they are a person pretending to be something they are not: a black-haired person.

You are not a black-haired person. Unless of course you are a black-haired person. 

Black is the most metal of all colors, because it isn't even a real color. It's just an empty, colorless void of NOTHING. We metalheads like our shirts, jackets, shoes, jeans, accessories, and our coffee to be as black as our metal. So I understand the reason why you would want your hair to match the rest of your get up. I also realize that there are a large number of metal artists with unnaturally black or color-treated hair. For some of these musicians feel that their hair is their livelihood, and of course they're going to want it to look as cool as it is long. This hardly effects my stance on the matter...

If you're in your bathroom all night, wearing rubber gloves and old clothes, mixing up color chemicals, applying Vaseline to your forehead, covering your hair in bands, clips, tin foil, and then proceeding to mutilate your scalp and roots with toxic waste all in the efforts to look cool, different, or attract attention: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE TRYING TOO HARD. 

When we go through life dealing with other people, the act of somebody being false or fake as a human being doesn't usually take a physical manifestation. It's not typically something you can understand just by looking at someone. You usually have to get to know people first; converse with them for a while before you inevitably figure out that they're full of themselves or just full of shit. People with colored hair however, (and its always obvious, always) are one of the few exceptions. They make life a lot easier for people like you and I. We recognize they're trying to be something that they're not from the very get go, and from there, we can make the educated decision to either not deal with them, or throw beer in their face upon approach. 

If you headbutt your monitor, I'm not responsible for the damages.

The worst offenders of this violation are the rainbow headed scene queens, in their tireless pursuit of attracting everybody's attention, positive, or negative. Allow me to clear something up as well - there's no such thing as a "scene king". Male or female, you're just a queen. Look at you. I don't really understand the motivation behind making your hair look like a box of Crayolas, although a couple of years ago, WKUK might have hit the nail on the obnoxious, spiky blue head:

Although coloring your hair like My Little Pony isn't as rampant in the metal community as it is in other scenes, it still happens, and inexcusably so. You're going to see it on females more than anyone else, which leaves you without an ass to kick, but to chase instead. This works out really well for us on the male side of the metal spectrum; you can genuinely tear into her about her stupid hair color, and all the negative attention is going to make her want to have sex with you. It's just science. This is especially effective when she goes to a show with the boyfriend stupid enough to take her.

Kill it with fire.

For the metalheads who dyed their hair and are seeking true metal redemption, don't dye your hair back like a douche idiot. You made the mistake, now you can either shave it off, or just grow it out until it goes away. Your punishment is that you're going to either have to be bald, or look like a gay jaguar for a couple of weeks until it's all natural again. That's your fault, not mine.

We in the metal elite pride ourselves on our genuine nature, and trueness not only to our genre, but to ourselves. You should wave your all natural, unkempt manes of glorious awesome in the frigid winds like they are flags of your true metal majesty - not to be tread upon by scissors, gels or dyes. I would gladly tell you that you should just be happy with the way God made you, but we all know God isn't real, and that would be silly. Just don't dye your hair like a phony. End of story.