Awful Metal Video of the Week: Chelsea Grin - Sonnet of the Wretched

Although they may be quite far from my musical cup of tea, I see Salt Lake City Deathcore outfit, Chelsea Grin, as an inspiration to all of us in the hard rock community. Say what you want about their predictable breakdowns, their chugging riffs, their crabcore dancing, and piggy cried "bree bree bree" vocal style, you can't help but commend them for their caring hearts, their open mindedness, and their ability to view all of us in the world as human beings...

I'll tell you that I've never read an interview with the members of Chelsea Grin. I don't think I have to. They are probably full of spirit-lifting quotes such as "We in Chelsea Grin think that everybody deserves the right to be a rock star!" Also things like, "He's a lot sharper than you think! If he just hears you say the word 'Cannibal Corpse', he will yell out every song they ever wrote on every album from start to finish! It's really impressive!" The interviewer would then proceed to kneel down next to brave, lead vocalist Alex Koehler while he's lying on the floor playing with his matchbox cars. He (because strange women make him nervous) would ask Koehler if he thinks singing for Chelsea Grin is a lot of fun. Koehler would enthusiastically reply, "Your pants are blue!" The band mates would then pat him on the back and hug him, ecstatic about his growing observational skills. 

Chelsea Grin has employed the help of three "guitarists"; something unheard of, and completely unnecessary for a Deathcore band. The third guitarist is actually a clever ruse; even though he has an Ibanez and an amplifier, he's actually pretending to play along with the band to keep a careful eye on Koehler's antics. It's not unheard of for Koehler to get over-excited from the flashing lights and cheering crowd. He's probably been known to run off mid-set, flapping his hands and squawking with delight. 

Koehler is seen pictured here, with his first written complete sentence.

"He does flap his hands a lot when he gets a bit too stimulated." Dan Jones, pretend guitarist and Koehlers' handler would explain to the magazine editor. "People like Alex have been known to do that sometimes. He can't really help it, but it doesn't stop him from having a really great time!"

We in the metal community could learn a lot from the philanthropist members of Chelsea Grin. They show us that everybody has the right to rock, disability or no disability. "We love him to bits," lead guitarist, Michael Stafford would explain to the potential interviewer, "even if he does dance like a retard."