Making yourself up

It appears that Tyranneous has re-emerged from the briny depths to bring you yet another post for your enjoyment. A mighty hail \m/ goes out to all of our new friends to the site. Thanks again, Ed "The Infidel," and to all of you, keep the comments coming.

Possible conversation between two music-lovers:

“Hey Allan, I need to look different and dark and demonic, any ideas?”

“Yeah, bro; try wearing some black nail polish, black lipstick, and black eye shadow. You'll look dead and cool.”

My response:

WRONG! You look like an idiot.

Regardless of what “Allan” tells you, makeup does not belong anywhere near the metal scene accept under two situations: One, you happen to be wearing corpse paint made popular by the likes of Mercyful Fate front man and solo artist, King Diamond, or two, you are a woman. The latter is barely cool, but we'll touch on that some other time.

Corpse paint at its finest

When did a man think that wearing nail polish or lipstick was cool? This is abhorrent and atrocious and a travesty to everything that is testosterone and testicular and man. If I could go back in time to when this started, I would punch that ass in the face, stomp his skull into the ground and finish him with a tire iron over this. Metal is metal. Does anyone remember Glam? I was born thankfully as this era came to an end, but it seems like my generation is trying to bring this fad back, perhaps because it's retro.

Poison, Ratt, and Twisted Sister. Do those names mean anything to you? How about their predecessor the New York Dolls? No? These are the enemies of metal. What they did to our sacred music was so detrimental that we still haven't recovered. They did what should have been impossible, what Manowar so vehemently fights against: They turned metal into a fad, a blip on the radar of music history, so that now we have to deal with the likes of VH1 and the radio and their bullshit because forever our genre will be linked with makeup and pretty boys. When it seems that finally in my life that good metal is spewing forth from the bowels of Hell, floating on demon wings, and possessing the souls of thousands upon thousands, blanketing the world in pestilence and sin, defiling the innocent, here before me stands some atrocity in a Children of Bodom shirt wearing makeup, turning my genre into a fad again, acting as a whetstone for newly pubescent girls.

No fads allowed

NO! For all that is unholy, no. We as metal fans know how legitimate this music and genre is and how unjustly people criticize it just because of the heavy guitars, growls, and/or falsetto. We know our genre is more substantial and long-lasting than a fad. Why try to bring a fad back into our music?

I know you're going to say to me: “Screw you Tyranneous, I'm just trying to be different,” or some other bullshit argument getting at the same point. My stance is unchanging. You can listen to Amon Amarth, Finntroll, Kreator, Mastodon, Bloodbath, Deicide, I really don't care. You are doing nothing but looking like a douche, receiving nothing but scorn from those of us who actually have a valid and logical opinion of you. I am not telling you to look like me, I am certainly not telling you to look like anyone. Be you, not “different,” “edgy,” or any other variation of the word. Echoing Brenocide's recent post, if you happen to be listening to metal to be different then you are listening to our music for the wrong reasons and should stop.

I will cede you this, black just so happens to be metal, but blackening your lips, blackening your eyes, and blackening your fingernails makes you look like a tool. It does not make you look different or special, regardless of what anyone tells you. Wearing it makes you look like a goth, a wannabee vampire, Papa Roach, and a woman. Looking like a woman is about as metal as My Little Pony. Go ahead Ponyboy, stay gold, wear makeup if you want to.

Do you really want to look like this?

Sorry if I hurt your feelings, I will make sure to buy some tampons for your bleeding baby-maker whenever I so happen to hit the grocery store.