Monday, February 28, 2011

Making yourself up

It appears that Tyranneous has re-emerged from the briny depths to bring you yet another post for your enjoyment. A mighty hail \m/ goes out to all of our new friends to the site. Thanks again, Ed "The Infidel," and to all of you, keep the comments coming.

Possible conversation between two music-lovers:

“Hey Allan, I need to look different and dark and demonic, any ideas?”

“Yeah, bro; try wearing some black nail polish, black lipstick, and black eye shadow. You'll look dead and cool.”

My response:

WRONG! You look like an idiot.

Regardless of what “Allan” tells you, makeup does not belong anywhere near the metal scene accept under two situations: One, you happen to be wearing corpse paint made popular by the likes of Mercyful Fate front man and solo artist, King Diamond, or two, you are a woman. The latter is barely cool, but we'll touch on that some other time.

Corpse paint at its finest

When did a man think that wearing nail polish or lipstick was cool? This is abhorrent and atrocious and a travesty to everything that is testosterone and testicular and man. If I could go back in time to when this started, I would punch that ass in the face, stomp his skull into the ground and finish him with a tire iron over this. Metal is metal. Does anyone remember Glam? I was born thankfully as this era came to an end, but it seems like my generation is trying to bring this fad back, perhaps because it's retro.

Poison, Ratt, and Twisted Sister. Do those names mean anything to you? How about their predecessor the New York Dolls? No? These are the enemies of metal. What they did to our sacred music was so detrimental that we still haven't recovered. They did what should have been impossible, what Manowar so vehemently fights against: They turned metal into a fad, a blip on the radar of music history, so that now we have to deal with the likes of VH1 and the radio and their bullshit because forever our genre will be linked with makeup and pretty boys. When it seems that finally in my life that good metal is spewing forth from the bowels of Hell, floating on demon wings, and possessing the souls of thousands upon thousands, blanketing the world in pestilence and sin, defiling the innocent, here before me stands some atrocity in a Children of Bodom shirt wearing makeup, turning my genre into a fad again, acting as a whetstone for newly pubescent girls.

No fads allowed

NO! For all that is unholy, no. We as metal fans know how legitimate this music and genre is and how unjustly people criticize it just because of the heavy guitars, growls, and/or falsetto. We know our genre is more substantial and long-lasting than a fad. Why try to bring a fad back into our music?

I know you're going to say to me: “Screw you Tyranneous, I'm just trying to be different,” or some other bullshit argument getting at the same point. My stance is unchanging. You can listen to Amon Amarth, Finntroll, Kreator, Mastodon, Bloodbath, Deicide, I really don't care. You are doing nothing but looking like a douche, receiving nothing but scorn from those of us who actually have a valid and logical opinion of you. I am not telling you to look like me, I am certainly not telling you to look like anyone. Be you, not “different,” “edgy,” or any other variation of the word. Echoing Brenocide's recent post, if you happen to be listening to metal to be different then you are listening to our music for the wrong reasons and should stop.

I will cede you this, black just so happens to be metal, but blackening your lips, blackening your eyes, and blackening your fingernails makes you look like a tool. It does not make you look different or special, regardless of what anyone tells you. Wearing it makes you look like a goth, a wannabee vampire, Papa Roach, and a woman. Looking like a woman is about as metal as My Little Pony. Go ahead Ponyboy, stay gold, wear makeup if you want to.

Do you really want to look like this?

Sorry if I hurt your feelings, I will make sure to buy some tampons for your bleeding baby-maker whenever I so happen to hit the grocery store.


  1. Yeah it would be a guy name Allan.

  2. Hey, I wear black nail polish, and I just want to explain why. Since I go to a private school, I can't really wear my Slayer or Amon Amarth shirts into school. So, I paint my nails black. It's how I retain a bit of idviduality, rebel a bit, and it actually goes well with some of my dress shirts. Plus, it's just something I find aesthically pleasing. And I hope to Satan I didn't fuck up the spelling of aesthetic...

  3. Michael...don't do that.

  4. Simple solution, Michael. DON'T GO TO PRIVATE SCHOOL! If your parents are making you go, get kicked out. That's more metal than black nails. There's nothing metal about private school and one of two things will happen to you. Either you will get caught with weed and you will be expelled and your parents will hate you and you can actually be metal, OR you will meet some girl that is also rebellious and she will listen to Norma Jean and The Chariot and August Burns Red and Underoath and you will be a Christian alt-rocker faggot.

  5. There is nothing individualistic about anyone as all things are learned and perceived to our own background.So go put on your gay slipknot album while disavowed and the like persevere.

  6. What language do you speak? I'm better at it than you are at mine.

  7. Make-up for men... :-S
    What is the world coming too!!

  8. The first time i saw a scene kid i honestly thought they were homoesxual

  9. Well I find Dethklok's makeup acceptable, even Nathan's black nail polish. I'm a girl and I occasionally wear really intense cat-eyes but I keep it metal. Really. And I don't care if you don't think Dethklok is metal. I expect you hilarious bloggers to find it funny how they make fun of metal but encourage it at the same time.

  10. Thank you, man. Guy liner is disgusting. Seriously, if you're an ugly dude, just be an ugly dude. Illusions are dumb. Spending any time in the mirror for anything more than picking out the mass of ingrown hairs in your beard is shitty. Why hide? You're gonna be you when you wake up tomorrow anyway. Also, Micheal, you're clearly a closeted homosexual. It's fine, but lose the paint and just bang dudes. I don't judge you for it. I do judge you for needing to retain your "individuality" and "rebel" with cheap gimmicks that binary minded goth girls who smell like pussy sweat and listen to Asking Alexandra pull to anger daddy. Piss on someone, pull pranks, argue with teachers and start fires. Tell people that their stupid aspirations in life are futile attempts at defying death, and that God is imaginary and being delusional is going to make them fat and alone. Nail polish.... Fuckin' a.


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.