Toddlers with Mohawks

"Why wasn't I aborted?!"

If you are pro-life, come meet me so I can curb stomp you. You have one of the dumbest, least educated, most inferior opinions on planet Earth. What channel of your brain are you failing to open? "Abortion is murder!" I'll show you what murder looks like. If you want to assume that snubbing out a potential life is homicide, then technically, every waking moment I'm not pouring my dude cream into some broad is a moment a life is not happening. So why don't you all send your girlfriends and wives over to me, so I can give them the best night of their lives, clean them up, send them home, and bestow you the honor of raising my ADHD-stricken hellspawn for me? Do it for Jesus.

Probably my greatest weapon in the abortion debate is that there are toddlers walking around with mohawks. "But what's so bad about..." SHUT UP. It is truly horrible. It is worse than you could ever imagine. It is solid, physical evidence that there are people out there, people like that, who are unfit and unqualified to raise their children. Our children. The generation of children that will inherit the Earth and have to fix all the things we broke. They are being raised in an environment where it is encouraged and often forced, to have stupid hairstyles before they can even form a complete sentence.

The other day I saw a Hot Topic couple in the mall, like you often would, sweeping up the floor together with their enormous slacks. This hardly shocked me, as big, stupid pants people are naturally drawn to one another for a reason that I don't really know, or care to think about. So anyway, these two are shuffling their half-ugly selves through the mall and the girl is holding the hand of their accidental love child. Atop the little boy's tiny skull, a high-spiked, purposefully gelled, purposefully shaved, purposefully dyed mohawk. I twisted my face at them and just started screaming at the top of my lungs. No hateful banter, no words at all, I just shrieked and howled with insane rage and eyes bulging until security made me stop.

You are very obviously too young or too immature to be raising a child if you are tainting them with stupid, rebellious hairstyles. I don't care if you're 15, 17,  20, or a tattooed 31-year-old in denial. If you make the obnoxious moral decision to keep your child, you also have to make the mental decision to grow the hell up. You're a parent now, start acting like it. If you don't want to grow up, if you don't want your life ruined, and you still want some time to act like a stupid kid, then get an abortion while it's still legal. If your uneducated moral-standing won't allow you to do so, give it away. 

As a parent, it is your duty to teach your child good and bad, right from wrong. In your position, all you can teach a kid is bad and wrong. Your child doesn't have the mental capacity at such an innocent, blank slate of an age to realize that the best way to succeed and be happy in life is to do the exact opposite of everything that mommy and daddy do. The things that it sees and is taught at this early stage of its development are going to effect it for the rest of its life. Therapy is already a given. All you're doing is setting your child up for failure, making it suffer through the rejection, judgement and mockery of his/her peers from the very beginning. When the kid reaches your age, and it will, there will be plenty of ridiculous fashion statements, hideous hairstyles and strange types of body mutilation for him or her to experiment with, if he or she decides to do so. 

In 2008, Bryan Ruda of Parma, Ohio was suspended from Kindergarten because of his mohawk. His mother said losing the mohawk was not an option, and was looking to instead enroll Bryan in a different school. I'm looking to enroll him with a different mother.

If you're a metal couple, and whoops, you're pregnant, and you think you can manage keeping it, you should realize that your child is not metal by association. Just like your child is not punk or goth by association. Your child will however, be malnourished and traumatized by association, but nobody can really help that at this point. (Except social services, who I will contact if you argue with me about any of this.) I can't fault you for wanting to nudge them down your own path, but the ultimate result is more or less out of your hands. Your job is to keep your kid alive, keep him or her happy and in a safe, healthy environment. That's it. Give him or her a basic kid haircut and basic kid clothes. Pink for girls, blue for boys, you know the drill. Get your head out of your ass and don't rebel all over your poor kid. Just because you're a social loser doesn't mean you can set them up to be one too. That's their call. 

Disclaimer: I found these images using Google Image Search. If you don't want people to use or taunt images of your ugly little kids, don't upload them to the internet in the first place. 

BLACK METAL DAD DOING IT RIGHT.