Friday, September 25, 2015

5 Tips on How to Dress Like a True Metal Elitist

Coming to a metal show near you; and then every one after that.

Deth Leppard: Since the very first overdriven power chord rang out from the plucked strings of an amplified guitar, the genre of Heavy Metal has always been defined by its aesthetic along with its tone: long hair, denim, leather, spikes, chains, boots, makeup, body mods, extreme album artwork, jagged band logos, and the black on black, none more black attire. To speak of Metal sonically is to only tell half the story. Heavy Metal isn't simply a genre of music, but a way of life. Metal is its own culture. To even refer to it as a "counter-culture" would be to deny its awesome worldwide influence on the entertainment market. Metalheads aren't some group of underground ragtag rebels -- far from it -- we are a global force of listeners, consumers, event attendees, collectors and enthusiasts.   

Many folks will agree that you know a metalhead when you see one. People with a penchant for extreme music will often have the extreme look to match. Attend any live metal performance and you will bear witness to a sea of this concept in practice. Just think of the term "metalhead", and what sort of person comes to mind? Does he have long hair? Does his wallet have a chain? Is he wearing a denim vest covered in band patches? How about some redundant leather wrist wear? Studs, studs, and more studs? If any of this rings true as your definition of a metal fan, then congratulations, friend: you are a poseur thinking about other poseurs. 

"You mean this doesn't look cool?"

I can already sense your confusion from the other side of the internet. When I say "poseurs", I must be talking about those djenters and deathcore kids, right? Think again, Chandler Chinbeard. I'm talking about you "metal warrior" ultra twat tryhards with your stringy locks clinging desperately to a perpetually receding hairline. You dudes holding up horns with leather wrist straps that some overworked Chinese forgot to install a watch in at the sweatshop. I'm tired of your shit, you out-of-touch goofball. Whenever LeatherMetalSpikesAndChains clonks his black army boots across my path at a show, me and every self respecting metal fan in the vicinity rolls our eyes so completely fucking hard that they just about roll out of our bleeding sockets. It's 2015 already. Fuck you. Grow a personality. 

Look brother, I don't mean to be so harsh. It ain't your fault that you've been so misguided with proper metal attire. The "metal look" has been perpetuated throughout decades of shitty music played by shitty musicians who are all show and no substance along with their shittier fans. Bands like Satyricon have looked like Satyricon since the early 90's and people who listened to Satyricon always thought they were supposed to just dress like Satyricon at a Satyricon show. Or wherever else they ended up in life, like family holidays with their humiliated parents or bagging my fucking groceries at the only job they can get. 

It seems like the guys with the long hair, soul patches and leather jackets; these are the fruit loops that you'd expect to cry "false" more than anybody else in regards to others who listen to or play metal music. So it's easy for you to believe this is what makes them the "metal elitists".  But truth is, they're the biggest phonies of them all. You guys are wannabes 101. How are you gonna go around calling other people "poseurs" when you spend 45 minutes getting "geared up" to look like everybody else in your favorite music videos? I'm secure enough in my metalocity that I don't need to make a superficial spectacle of myself to everyone around me. You're not. Them's the fucking breaks, pal. I can exist as a human being with a modest sense of style while still listening to infinitely better metal music than you. I don't have to prove shit to anybody, because my shit is actually true.

I hear a lot of metal 'elitists' scoffing about "hipsters" ruining the genre with new music. These are the same people that listen to Fear Factory without batting an eyelash, mind you, but think of Liturgy as a complete farce. First, allow me to explain that "hipsters" are not a new thing. "Hipster" is just a new name for a type of individual that has always existed. So you can't call shit like Deafheaven or Kvelertak "hipster metal", just because of who's playing it. The person you're referring to is just a creative type or vaguely eccentric type from his generation. Someone who is following his or her current generation's trend in fashion and media. Leonardo Da Vinci, for example was not a "hipster".

Although it's debatable. 

To bring this concept to somewhere more relevant, Dave Mustaine didn't grow poofy long locks and wear ripped up jeans so he could go around looking metal. He just went to high school looking like that  -- and then subsequently band practice looking like that -- he was just existing with the look all the other nerds in 1980's high school had. That shit didn't make him metal. His musicality did. 

Let this fact sink in deeper than you're tattoo ink and linger longer than you're body odor: you're not a rebel. You're just mainstream from 30 years ago. It's time to totally clear your mind of the falsity of the "metal warrior" look. From this point onward, that concept is dead in regards to true metal fandom. Put down the black nail polish, and stop picking out metal bands you like based on the length of their hair like a fucking idiot. You might think that's an unreasonable assumption to make about you turds, but I still find myself in conversations with guys that base the "great Metallica sellout" moment as the release of "Load". 

But what do I do? What should I wear if I want to look like a true metal defender of the faith?


That's the secret. Fucking stop it. Be yourself. And no, bullet belts are not "yourself", Sepultura Steve. You have options now, so at least try to dress in a way that makes most women want to bang you, as opposed to just a select few women who are already banging guys that accomplish that very niche look a lot better than you. Do that shit and then just listen to metal music anyway. If you maintain an honest metal fandom without doing everything you can to look like a supreme edgelord; you'll get good jobs, make more money, and have more sweet moolah to buy records, band shirts, guitars or posters your wife/girlfriend won't let you hang up. If you happen to be a woman? Well, let's be honest; you couldn't walk around looking 'metal' in a band tee without getting quizzed by some spergoid piece of shit who didn't believe you knew anything about the band you were wearing, due completely to your vagina. It shouldn't be that way -- I know -- but you know how the ol' patriarchy goes, right? It just is that way. You might be allowed to vote now, but you're another century or so away, at least, from not being part of a deeply rooted culture where you're harassed about your grindcore tee. Sorry, ladies.

Ok. What are you still doing here? You're all set. Were you expecting a "top 10" or something? Do I need to break down a bullet-point list for you to fucking click on and read anything anymore? You sheep brained poseurs. No wonder you walk around looking so stupid. You have no proper guidance whatsoever. I suppose that's what I'm here for, so with the much appreciated input of Brenocide here's your step-by-step guide to how exactly you should dress yourself as proper metal snob who's true above all the rest:

1. Cut. Your. Fucking. Hair. 

Coming to a school shooting near you; and then everyone after that.

Deth Leppard: Yeah, I said it.

Brenocide: Oh boy. Shots fired.

Deth: You gotta problem, Pantene Patrick? We are a decade and a half into the 21st century, and metal dudes still can't quite get over this incessant need to look like a bunch of girly-headed fucks. Just let it go already.

Bren: I haven't had long hair since high school, broseph. You're just gonna make everybody really mad at you. But it's true. 100/100 available heavy metal drummers can agree you are perfectly capable of being metal as fuck without the lovely flowing locks.

Deth: Yeah, get a goddamn haircut already. And no, I'm not talking about undershaves or mohawks or those Skrillex looking side shaves all the young chicks are doing. You're not a young chick. Stop growing your hair out like one.

Bren: Unless, you want to be a young chick. Then you know, I mean, hey, that's brave. Good for you. This isn't a safe place for you, though. Trigger warning: You're reading That's Not Metal.

Def: Speaking of trigger warnings, do you use tumblr? We'll discuss the issues with that later, but if so, do yourself a favor and type in "metal guys" in the search bar and let 'er rip. Tell me you don't get greeted with the greatest gaggle of frail little puss-faced wussies this side of the cosmos with their gorgeous light blonde or dark chocolate hair just laying delicately upon their pillowy-white little pursed-lip cunt faces. Here's just a few of my favorite examples;

Bren: Wow. Metal as fuck. Especially Nick Cage Jr. Do you know why this is what comes up on that tumblr tag search? Because this kind of feathery soft limpedness is fetishized by teenage girls trying to be edgy and lose the approval of their dad, just like always. You might as well be a Backstreet Boy, or somebody else trying to win the favor of underage girls. Ya weird creeps. What about the tough viking looking bamfs though? While you think about that, I'm gonna spam pictures of Nate Garnette to these metal dude porn blogs:

Def: Ok, let's say you might not look as flowery as these buncha cupcakes with your long hair -- or at least you don't think so -- but think about it. Do you want to intersect anywhere on the Venn diagram of fashion sense with any single one of these little cookie crumbles?  I didn't think so. Look, Vehemence doesn't need to waste globs of Garnier Fructis to let people know they're metal, and neither should you: 

Bren: Yep, no question it's all about the music with these guys. 

2. Your only flair is an underground band shirt. 

Bren: With this one there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Deth: And jingling of wallet chains.
Bren: And squeaking of wrist bands.
Deth: And ripping of tight pants.
Bren: And sewing of band patches.
Deth: And clanking of lip rings.
Bren: And scratching of chin beards.
Deth: And cutting of denim jacket arms.
Bren: And stomping of army boots.
Deth: I don't think I have anymore. Jingling of bullet belts?
Bren: Camouflaging of shorts.
Bren: Fishnetting of nipples.

Bren: Anyway, everyone who wants to set themselves apart from the rest of the crowd as someone who is truly a metalhead is only allowed a black t-shirt with a respectable band name and a brutal looking graphic on it. That is to be your only piece of flair as a metal elitist. No more, no less. Otherwise you're trying too hard.

Deth: You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair they made the Jews wear.

Bren: How's this for a piece of flair:

Deth: I don't think you're taking this very seriously.

Bren: So says Office Space quote guy. Nobody takes metal more fucking dead goddamn serious than me right now. I will fucking kill the next person who even sort of suggests otherwise. I promise you.

Deth: You're not taking this seriously.

Bren: Stop it. Yes I am. Also for the record, everyone in Lord Dying has long hair. What say you?

Deth: My opinion stands. Lord Dying is doing it because bands before Lord Dying were doing it, which is why Lord Dying thinks they have to do it. Just be yourselves, Lord Dying, you're cool on your own. So this t-shirt thing is sort of an interesting concept, because I feel like there's not only a lot of metal elitists, but a lot of different types of metal elitists. Like you're gonna find guys who just go to the deepest depths of the darkest underground to find these bands nobody's ever heard of and wear their shirts. Then you're gonna get this tried and true early 80's metal elitists that just wear Iron Maiden because Iron Maiden and Iron Maiden and fuck everything else. What camp do you fall in?

Bren: I've talked about metal experts before. They're guys that listen to things that are underground for the sake of it being underground. I don't know how I feel about the "entry-level" metal phrasing you'll hear guys use. If you're a metal fan, you're supposed to like Iron Maiden or Motorhead. Those are prequalifying factors. It's like how if you want to be a proper police officer you have to be a white racist. But then you get into the fact that Miley Cyrus is wearing those t-shirts and you have the moral dilemma of whether or not you should too.

Deth: Ah, but if liking Iron Maiden or Motorhead is a prequalifying factor, then why even bother wearing a t-shirt of theirs in the first place?

Bren: Yeah, that's very true. It's like I want to be a simple enough sort of guy where I can just wear a King Diamond shirt with pride, but if I see a guy walking past me in a King Diamond shirt I'm just like "wow cool, welcome to the fucking club, man, jesus." I'm a very hypocritical person.

Deth: I think if you're gonna wear a metal band shirt, it should be for the most underground bands you have in your wardrobe. The bands that really need the promotion. I always try to wear lesser known bands out when I can. Spread the word, you know?

Bren: So the consensus here is to just be a regular joe with a black metal shirt.

Deth: Yeah, but none of that mainstream shit like Carach Angren or something.

Bren: Who the fuck is Carach Angren? I don't watch MTV.

3. Wear jeans that are just jeans. 

Deth: So does this mean I can't wear shorts?

Bren: No. Because then they might be jorts, cargo, or camouflage colored and we can't risk any of those things.

Deth: So it's dad jeans or bust, huh?

Bren: Why do you call them dad jeans? Because they're not fashionable anymore? You hipster little bitch. Go fucking wear ball huggers for all I fucking care. Go write for fucking Pitchfork and fuck off out of here if you don't recognize what's at stake... I'm sorry. I just hate how much we've complicated something like jeans. And I'm still mad at you because you don't think I'm taking this really seriously right now.

Deth: I was just kidding before. Still friends?

Bren: No. We never were.

Deth: When me and my friends were younger, we called those super basic deep blue jeans "kill-yourself-blue-jeans". Because seeing kids wear them was a dead giveaway that their mom bought them for them at back-to-school shopping. I don't know where the "kill-yourself" came from. Either because they were the victims of the type of bullying where we always told them to kill themselves, or we assumed they were just in the sort of situation where suicide was inherently what they wanted.

Bren: I wouldn't know anything about that. My mom bought me JNCOs because she loved me.

Deth: Wow. You should wear those bad boys to your next metal show and see how that works out for you.

Bren: They probably would still fit me now. I was a fat little kid.

Deth: You're a fat little man.

Bren: Yeah, but I was a really really fat kid. I've since turned my life around, now I'm fit enough to be considered just plain old fat.

Deth: What about black jeans?

Bren: I'll allow it.

4. Wear Unassuming Comfortable Footwear

Deth: As a metal elitist, you attend a lot of metal shows. Lots of standing in one place and watching. You don't want to stand there on a hard concrete floor for hours on end in some stiff black army boots do you?

Brenocide: See, here's where we can argue you're just being a pussy.

Deth: I'm just being smart. If I can physically attend more metal shows than you for longer, I am intrinsically more metal. What kind of shoes are you wearing right now?

Brenocide: Shoes? I'm writing to you from a desktop PC. I've been taking a week's vacation from work. I don't even remember where I saw my shoes last.

Deth: I mean what sort of shoes do you usually wear when you're out living your life?

Brenocide: My white Reeboks are like the one thing me and an old thrash metal band photo have in common. Check this shit out, kicking it old school with the comfy kicks:

Deth: I have these black and white Adidas shoes I wear most of the time.

Brenocide: Now I don't have to argue that you're a pussy.

Deth: What's wrong with Adidas? How's that any worse than Reebok?

Brenocide: Even the poseurs are laughing at you right now. All Day I Dream About Shoes over here.

Deth: Wow. Nice KoRn reference. Talk about poseur.

Brenocide: Nice recognizing my KoRn reference.

Deth: You really did wear JNCOs.

5. Change your preferred setting.

Bren: You would initially think it's really tasteless that I downloaded this stock photo and uploaded it to this page with the watermarks still all over it, but I think it adds an extra level of ironic humor to it being used here. Much like you will often find with other sites, message boards and Facebook pages using stock photos in a similar manner.

Deth: What is the meaning of this...

Bren: I couldn't disagree more with your point about being more metal for attending more metal shows. That's poppy-cock, no, that's poopy cock, Deth. It is a cock covered in poop. I have been to many metal shows. Too many metal shows. I have acquired all of the necessary metal I could from these shows, and I have become jaded and old. I hate metal shows. More than I hate metal. I hate them because you have to stand there for hours listening to shitty opening acts before you get to the good stuff you came for, and you are constantly surrounded by the type of fucking people we are discussing in this post. Fuck metal shows. Stop going to those.

Deth: So you're suggesting the new "preferred setting" is the internet?

Bren: Suggesting? Feh. I am imploring you, that as a proper metal elitist, all of your future metal activity is purely internet based. It's what sets apart the true elitists from "just fans". We are here to argue, to judge, to avoid falseness and shame it when we sense its presence. What better place to do that then the likes of Facebook, YouTube, Metal Sucks comments, and message boards galore?

Deth: This is madness. 

Bren: Call it what you will, but this is metal elitism in its truest form. I see no reason to waste any more of my time surrounded by mouth-breathing troglodytes in dive bars watching as my tired icons fuck up all of my favorite songs with their latest collection of session members. Shows can suck a fat dick. I can sit down at a computer chair. Internet: 1. Metal shows: 0

Deth: Dude... I was setting you up for some serious 300 back and forth.

Bren: Oh shi- Madness? THIS. IS. ELITISM!

So in short, everyone: wear jeans, sneakers a band t-shirt and argue on the internet. Anything more than that and you're a self-conscious, look-at-me, attention seeking poseur, who's overdoing it leads those around you to recognize your lack of inner metalocity. Thanks for reading, and don't forget to share how butthurt you are in the comments below about how much you want to keep looking like Julia Roberts. 


-- Deth Leppard
-- Brenocide \,,/

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