Saturday, September 5, 2015

Yeah, You Go Rock Out in The Crowd, You Flaming Rockstar

The other week I was at The Metal Coalition show in Abbotsford. I was originally going to stay for the whole night to write an article on it, but I was tired, and at this point in my metal life, I feel like I go to local shows just to be unimpressed. Sure, The Fraser Valley has a metal scene, and not a completely bad one at that. But when we get a crappy core band playing a show, MAN are they crappy. I'm not gonna name names, partly because I couldn't be arsed to remember if I tried, and primarily to cover my ass when people here eventually start to read whatever I write.

I originally came just to see my friend's band play, but then that disintegrated into hanging out with my friends, but Beth and Conan couldn't/didn't show up. So that's pretty much half of my friends gone. (I'd explain who they are right now, but I don't give a fuck I already talked about who Conan was in my own blog, I may repost/shit polish it for here, but whatever, fuck you) Then I told myself that I'm coming here to kill a night with some booze and tinnitus so I'd actually sleep for the first time this month.

Anyway, as this band was following an incredibly bland mallcore act with a lineup that looked like your average cheetoh binging Call of Duty players, they hit the stage with their equally visually unappealing dorks and bland mallcore. I was trying to hold a conversation with a friend, when Rick (the aforementioned guy who's in one of the bands) tapped my shoulder. Well, he was smacking it, but it felt more like tapping.

Rick: Are you seeing this guy?

Me: What?

Rick: He almost knocked over that amp!

It was at this point I finally glanced towards the stage. Whereas the first band's "singer" was firmly planted in one spot, leg affixed to his single amp, this jackoff was spinning about in the crowd like a fucking queen. He was jumping off and on the 2 inch high stage, shaking the rails MEANT TO PROTECT THE AMPS, and haphazardly spinning the mic around by the cord. The mic that belonged to the venue, by the way. It fell into the crowd more than three times during their thirty minute set, and this guy was clearly not giving a crap about it breaking.

You'd think this blatant disregard for authority and the establishment would be metal, or maybe punk, but this doyle was practically prancing about, putting his band's gear, the venue's gear, and the fragile young minds of newly turned 19 metalheads at risk. But he was also doing something else that I find annoying.

This is an incredibly new band, and the douchenozzle at the front was interacting with the crowd like they're the hottest shit on the planet.

 Picture this with less tattoos, more gut, body hair, and a distaste for any decency.

It's something that most metal bands have to accept as soon as they form, something that they all need to come to terms with as they put their hands in a lame circle, stare longingly into the chick bassist's eyes and say "lets do this". They need to understand that there's a 99% chance of them not "making it". This means that no matter how fucking hard they try, they'll probably never do a show outside of their province/state. So you gotta make sure you got some humility. I have an ego the size of fucking Africa, and even I know this, but apparently the fatass flower child wrapping the microphone around his amorphous mass didn't get the fucking memo.

What, are those people your backup dancers?! Fuck off!

Unless you're full blown metal heroes, beloved underground bands, or local darlings who've been around for ages, you do not deserve the privilege to sing right in front of a concert goer's face, perform your guitar solo on the edge of the pit, or other such off stage fuckery. You stand on the stage, play your shit like a respectable band that's here to represent their people. This abhorrence all culminated with the landwhale removing his shirt to the horror of all in attendance.

 ...Pretty sure this picture was used on this blog before, but it fits better here.

Then the guy left the stage... halfway into their last song. I think he went off to get a drink or something in the other room. I'm not kidding, he just fucked off. I guess this was an instrumental part of the song, but a minute later, he came back doused in what I hoped was either sweat or water. Finally, after much tribulation, the catastrophe was over.

At least in terms of the upright beluga presenting himself to us.

The next band has been around a lot longer, but their vocalist was all up in everyone's face. He swayed left and right to their opening song which was the most nu metal thing I have ever heard locally. He sang in front of everyone's faces in what could be called a pit. Not a single one was spared.

He would catch someone's disgusted face out of the corner of his eye, and instantly latch on to them. Then he'd use his free hand to grasp the back of his victim's head and would damn near go Brokeback on the guy. After that atrocity, their next song was much better. And by that, I mean I detected nothing remotely nu, or core about it.

It was as jarring as a pair of pornstar's tits in the middle of a sermon. They played a Thrash, somewhat punk set after their opening song, and never once leaped into the crowd again, proving once and for all that false music breeds false tendencies. After a few more bands, I left, just before my friends were going to play. I would've stayed, but I was sick of the shit I would've inevitably seen after their set, and I didn't need another reason to hate myself.

Some of you guys in bands are probably wondering how you'd know when you can break the chain between you and the crowd. I'll answer your question with another question.

Are you Steve Kudlow?

I ask again, are you Steve "Lips" Kudlow?


Have you toiled away at your craft, finely honing your songs to a shine, playing your heart out for something that you can't possibly make a living from, earning a massive amount a fans and been persevering for years on end despite anything and everything telling you to stop?!

No?! Well get your fairy ass back on stage!!!

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