Sunday, July 31, 2011

Delusional Infamous Douchebag Comments on Delusional Infamous Douchebag

Not to be outdone in the realm of "batshit-fucking-nuts", BURZUM founder Varg Vikernes has commented on the Norwegian terrorist group and their beliefs after the senseless rampage that cost 87 innocent civilians their lives. Strangely absent from his tirade, is a description of what luxuries Anders Behring Brevik can look forward to in Norwegian "prison". Such as, but not limited to; full size beds, climbing walls, big screen TV's, sundae bars, 24 hour masseuses, arcade games, bumper cars, full size swimming pools, go-cart tracks, butterfly gardens, leather sofas, blu-ray players, unguarded, unalarmed, unlocked doors, jacuzzi tubs, shopping malls, ferris wheels, and unrestricted access to synthesized musical equipment so you can release, shitty, overrated music at your leisure.

I digress, here's what this demented asshat you numbskulls worship so dearly had to say about the whole thing:

"Many argue that Mr. Breivik was in fact executing orders from Mossad, to punish the Palestine-loving Marxist-governed Norway, but first and foremost to create a false banner for misinformed right-wing extremists to unite under, and that what he was doing was a "false flag" operation.

"His manifest is vast, some 1500 pages, and he is pretty thorough in both what he says and what he did. There are a few facts that doesn't make sense to me. How can he list all the problems caused by different Jews in our history and yet fail to mention even one of them with a single word in his manifest? He attacks the symptoms of the disease Europe is suffering under, but not the cause of the disease.

Typical Burzum fan.
"He is a Freemason too, and that certainly doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Freemasonry is international Jewry at it's worst; they too are working for a de-construction of all nations on Earth, and to build a global Hebrew temple, enslaving us all under the will of the Jews and their servants, the Freemasons. Well, this explains why he doesn't say a word about the creators of all the different religions and ideologies now set up to fight against each other.

"He is a Christian too. Now, in a sense that does make sense, but why does it make sense? The Jews created Christianity as a religion for non-Jews to follow, so that they too would become worshippers of their Hebrew false "God", so that the unruly Pagan Europeans would become servants and a powerful tool for the Jews. Whether the Jews created Islam too, or whether they just saw an opportunity coming when it was created is not known, but we do know that the Jews have always promoted conflict between these two religions – and indeed they still do. When the Christians grow too strong the Jews support the Muslims to weaken the Christians. When the Muslims grow too strong the Jews support the Christians to weaken the Muslims. They often support both sides too, if both sides are too strong, and they often do in secret. Christians then kill Muslims, and vice versa, whilst the Jews laugh safely in the background, profiting from it all.

"Mr. Breivik either went straight into their trap, like so many Christians have done in the past and still do, or he works knowingly for them, again like so many Christians have done in the past and still do. The Christians and the Muslims, ladies and gentlemen, are but soldiers/cannon fodder for the Jews in their mission to enslave us all under their rule.

Those dead eyes are honed to spot any vicious jew trap from miles away.
"What Mr. Breivik has said is largely true, in all except in what he doesn't say; he doesn't tell us that the Jews are the origin to all these problems, and that they were created by the Jews to hurt us. All we have to do to make this act of violence favourable to us is to make this clear to everyone; the Jews created Marxism, feminism, Christianity (need I tell you that Jesus and not least Paulus/Saul were both Jews?), so-called psychology, banking ("money lending"), the hippie-movement and all other ideologies and movements which are aimed to destroy and de-construct all nations in Europe. Behind each and every one of them you will find a Jew (or some times a Freemason)!

"How could you miss that out, Mr. Breivik?

"Working for the Jews, are you Mr. Breivik, to unite all European right-wing extremists under your false banner? To make sure the focus on the Jewish enemy of Europe is moved to something else? Or maybe you don't even know that you have been used by sinister Jews?

"So now not only Christians kill Muslims, and vice versa. Right wing extremists are supposed to kill left-wing extremists too – and vice versa I assume? Is that the plan? You did this to recruit and make even the right-wing extremists fight for the Jews?

"benefits from this? Israel does! The Jews do! None of our aggression will be directed at them – were it all should be directed. We will be fighting each other instead, whilst they move about in the background, out of the spotlight, and profit from our suffering, and in secret tighten the chains of slavery around our waists and ankles.

"Oh, and by the way; true nationalists don't kill children of their own nation, even if someone tries to brainwash them, like AUF did. They were not (yet) Marxist extremists; they were just children.
Varg Vikernes
Bergen the 24th of July 2011"

lol wut

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Try Thinking Before Talking Out of Your Ass

HAHAHA! WTF is this shit?! Fuck your mallcore homo music! This isn't good metal! What kind of faggot listens to this gay shit?! This band sucks dicks! Only queer pussy cocksucking gaylord cum lickers like this homo-erotic gayity! What do you fags fuck each other in the butt to this music? Since you listen to this does that mean you like it up the...



Unmetal Photo Submission: The Metalhead at Warped Tour

Today's Unmetal Photo Submission was sent in by long-time TNM regular Caleb Gordon. Caleb writes:

"Here's me being unmetal. I tried my hardest to make going to Warped Tour not the biggest mistake of my life, so I wore a Moonsorrow shirt and made the classic Black Metal "Grim Face" as often as I could. It didn't work..."

Of course it didn't.

Being a man in the sort of position I'm in, I am often asked the question by friends and readers alike, "What is the worst music ever?" I used to have a really difficult time explaining it to people. There's just so much variety when you take into consideration something as widely scattered as truly awful music. In recent years however, someone had the sense to collect all of the worst rock music ever written by the worst bands ever to grace the Earth, and have them all perform together in one horrifying debacle of a music festival.

The Warped Tour.

The bands that typically perform at Warped Tour, and the fans that are musically clueless enough to enjoy it, are probably the main reason a blog as full of hate and spite such as mine exists. Now, whenever I am asked aforementioned question about the music I hate most, all I have to do is say "everyone that plays at Warped Tour."

I'm not really sure how you accidentally found yourself at a Warped Tour show, Caleb. But I hope to god fellatio was somehow involved. I'm sure she's somewhere outside the picture's frame waiting for you to be done posing with your buddy in his Angry Birds themed August Burns Red shirt. I'm sure of it. She's got to be there, somewhere, right? Tell me there's some bangable scene chick that dragged you along with the promise of sexual favors so that you could stand to listen to this crap for a little while. Am I right man? I have to be right. Right? Because if not, even representing Moonsorrow wouldn't be enough to help you save face. I mean, you went to a show where this sort of thing happens:

For dudes that "DISRESPECT YOUR SURROUNDINGS" you guys sure seem to be very careful about not hitting each other. 

Anyway, thanks for the photo, Caleb. I was glad to see that you managed to "MAKE IT OUT ALIVE". All you other cretins know the drill. You can send me you and your friends acting unmetal by either liking the Facebook Page and uploading them to the wall, or you can just e-mail them at brenocide [at] thatsnotmetal [dot] com.

Stay metal, folks. If at all possible. 

The Coven Master

You're probably not familiar with true metal grand wizard and speech master, Travis W. Hyers, which is an outright fucking shame. Considering all the major pillars of the true metal community and attitude, after watching this video, I am thoroughly convinced that Hyers' is purely the strongest. A pillar that is built of concrete; reinforced with balls, glory, fury, and the unapologetic donning of horizontally striped polo shirts. Hyers will be opening an event called the Metal Alliance on August 4th in Fernandina, Yulee, a show that will feature several local metal bands in the area. Hyers won't be playing any music however, because he doesn't need instruments to brutalize and rock. No, instead he will be spitting his raw views on the metal scene and the phonies who dare to try playing any other form of music. Here's just a taste of what to expect if you're going to be attending "one of the biggest days in METAL HISTORY..."

The 40-second lead up was definitely worth it. Phineas and Ferb better watch their backs.

Thanks Albert Brown for sending this my way.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

TNM Review: IWRESTLEDABEARONCE - Ruining it For Everybody

You will never love hating something, so much.

I sat atop a grassy hill, enjoying the sanctuary of a solitary maple's shade as a welcome escape from the summer heat. What began as a balmy morning quickly turned into a punishing afternoon, as winds cleared the skies of cloudy comfort, leaving the sun to aggressively gaze upon the land, unsubdued. My denim-covered bottom lay firmly planted on the checkered bed sheet we awkwardly spread across the ground. Atop it, along with yours truly, were various Tupperware containers, baskets, and dishes that held within, her determined kitchen-based efforts. I'll never admit out loud that she wasn't the greatest cook in the universe, but the bashful smirk that graced her face every time she watched me eat the meals she prepared for me, was the most luxurious taste a man could ever hope to enjoy.

In the eager anticipation to enjoy a picnic with one another, we had forgotten to bring along the main course from our vehicle's trunk. Despite my strong offering to personally do so, she assured me that she was perfectly capable of going back to the car to get it herself, and seemed insistent that I just sit there and relax. This was our first time ever doing anything like this, and she wasn't doing much to hide that she wished for everything to be perfect. Her intention to assure that I enjoyed myself to a degree where I would take her to do it again, was as clearly defined as the tattoo ink beautifully etched across her chest. So there I sat, awaiting her return. Left only to my thoughts and the iPod that withheld my bleak destiny. With pessimistic expectations, I began the first track, "Next Visible Delicious". Even on a softer volume, it blared through my ears with headache-inducing vigor; every note, riff, chorus, bridge and lead break carefully constructed as if it was done with the intention to personally upset me:

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dave Mustaine: Recovering Death Metal Satanic Witch

Spot the Violation. Nice work! I also would have accepted: Dave Mustaine.

So apparently last night on ABC News, Megadeth front man, Dave Mustaine was featured on this obnoxious "news" segment called Beyond Belief where they talked about the effects of Satanism in modern Heavy Metal music. Apparently "Beyond Belief" is this part of ABC News where they will shamelessly approach "unexplainable" matters with delusional Bigfoot logic. In the interview, Mustaine talks about how gorgeous Satan is, (so gorgeous, he might even look like the news anchor), the sinister connotations of a power chord, how he used to be into witchcraft that "really worked", and of course Slayer keeps getting called a "death metal band".

If refusing to play with Rotting Christ wasn't enough to convince you how obnoxiously Christian Mustaine has become, this should probably give you a better idea. When asked about the devil, he claims "the greatest lie ever told is convincing people he doesn't exist." As well as saying "he could be in this room right now!" To which the news anchor who's name or face I don't give a shit about moistly replies with a whisper "... that's a scary thought." To ham up the spooky factor for the retards watching at home.

Mustaine says a lot of stupid shit during this interview, such as, but not limited to, "I think that I'm more dangerous now that I've become a Christian than I ever was before, when I was trying to go the opposite route, because I'm armed with the truth now." But that's not the worst of it, the icing on the cake is when he is asked "Are people right when they say that Heavy Metal music is infused with the power of the devil?"

Mustaine's response:

"In some cases, yes. But not in all cases, because you got great Heavy Metal bands that believe in God and glorify him. We pray every night before we go on stage."

Translation: If your metal band doesn't worship God and accept Jesus Christ as their savior, then you obviously worship Satan.

Special thanks to Jeff Berdel for bringing this to my attention. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Sjunnesson, Formerly of Sonic Syndicate Weighs In On TNM After We're Done Talking About It.

So a thousand centuries ago, I wrote an article about a historic moment in true metalocity where some friends and I got most of the crowd to sit down during a Sonic Syndicate set at the Palladium in Worcester, Massachusetts. It wasn't until several weeks after the fact, that I discovered with trollish delight, that Sonic Syndicate's collective band vagina gushed blood so furiously over the event, that they actually wrote a fucking song about it, and featured it on a full-length, studio release. The song was titled "Hellgate: Worcester", because they associate rude Amon Amarth fans as a whole with just one city they played in. The references in this song are so esoteric, ham-fisted and full of personal butthurt, that none of Sonic Syndicate's fans have a clue what it's about, and don't think too much of it. Such must be the case with all Sonic Syndicate tracks, as the band is notorious for their lack of competency with English grammar. They understand the language well enough to figure out the directions on a side of any hair spray bottles they purchase while touring in the U.S or the U.K, and I guess that's good enough for them.

My account of the whole event got featured on Metal Sucks, and it's still to this day, one of my more popular articles. I've been praised as well as reviled for the epic lulz that my fellow metal brethren and I accomplished on that faithful night, and quite honestly, I couldn't really give less of a shit. It was like a funny memory I wrote about and not a whole lot more. This was after all, just Sonic Syndicate. They're generic buttcore band #6001, and they're going to be irrelevant in a handful of years, if people are having a hard time understanding that they're musically irrelevant already. Me heckling them like a rude scumbag, even if it did result in their completely unprofessional reaction is not, nor will it ever be, anything related to a highlight in my life. It was just two articles I wrote on two particular days, among many, many others. The reception and number of views I received because of this was completely circumstantial. I'm not still bragging about it. I'm not dwelling on it. I'm not even really all that proud of what I did to them. I've moved past it to bigger and better things.

Yet the legend continues anyway...

So as you all don't care to know, Richard Sjunnesson was the former singer of Sonic Syndicate. He decided that getting rid of the screamo vocals for a more mainstream sound "didn't fly with this crow" and he moved on to different things. Probably because he can't sing anything but screamo, and didn't have a choice. He's got some other band or something now. I can't stress to you enough how little of a shit I give and how unwilling I am to look into it. What I do know is he has a blog nobody reads, and it recently showed up in my list of traffic sources. Oh boy. So he apparently had some sort of Q&A going, where all 11 of his devoted fans could ask him some questions about the industry, his music, makeup tips or whatever the fuck metalcore fans care about. Here is the question about my page, and here is his answer, unmodified for your reading pleasure:

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Ten Music Videos I Found in the "Metal" Section of Video On Demand.

Dear "havoc", I kindly advise you to consult the title of my blog in the classification of your entire playlist. Thank you.
Like most of my fellow under-the-rock metal brethren, I barely ever touch the television. The entire medium has become this shit-pile of recycled concepts and shameless product placement everywhere you look, jamming the divine concept of the "product" down your throat every chance advertisers get, whether it be around the show you're watching or within the show you're watching. For example, Dexter loves killing people, then driving their bodies around in his Ford Escape. I'm not saying the internet isn't just like that also, but there are definitely dark corners of the web you can escape to, that don't try to shamelessly take advantage of you as a mentally retarded consumer. My website is an especially great example, now that Google's run-by-robots AdSense program pulled my advertising because they were being huge cunts about having a publisher that called everybody a "cunt" all the time. I wrote them a courteous e-mail telling them I never did anything wrong and I wanted my fucking money or I would kill their families, but this was all I got as a response:

Bunch of cunts.
I realize this is a bullshit response, and I'm guessing that not a single human hand had anything to do with this. However, I like to believe there really were some Google "specialists" out there whose job it was to review my web page's eligibility for adspace, only to see that my posts typically mentioned things like how "Dani Filth likes to tongue jab microphones like they're little boy's buttholes." Google is a company full of a bunch of Indian hipster fuckoffs and fat chicks who ride around on segways and bring their dogs to work. Fuck you Google. If Bing actually worked, I would search for metal band photos with it instead. I'd rather make no money at all and say whatever the dog balls I want, rather than follow your tight-assed Nazi supercunt publisher rules and then have you end up rewarding my efforts with inexcusably irrelevant advertising, and next to no money at all. I hope all you readers bought some high quality "metal detectors" and "metal shingle roofs" as a result of Google's top-notch advertising. For a blog this amazing, I deserve to be a fucking millionaire and nothing less. It's not selling out if you make money from being awesome. For the time being I am a nothingaire, and will eat my fingernail clippings for nourishment.

So what was I talking about again? Oh, right.

I don't really deal with TV, but after I ran out of things to hate on the internet, I decided to dig through the Video On Demand feature on my digital cable subscription. It's sort of cool, because you can watch several different shows and movies that would usually be on a dedicated television schedule at your own convenience, but sort of bullshit because everything on TV sucks donkey dong as it is, and what you can actually choose from on demand is pretty limited. After messing around with it, I found a section dedicated to music channels, and to my gullible delight, there was a music video section dedicated specifically to "Metal" videos. Man, am I fucking stupid. At what point did I stop knowing that I'm the only person in the world who knows what real metal music is? Today I will share with you 10 out of the many wrongly classified music videos that I found in the "Metal" sections of Havoc Television on demand and Music Choice on demand. This list is 100% factual, and wasn't comprised for the faint of heart:

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Unmetal Photo Submission: And with LEGOS on our Side, We are Victorious

Today's Unmetal Photo Submission was sent in by TNM reader Finn Dekker. Finn writes:

"My mate and me, some time ago. We were doing a school presentation about one of the most metal subjects: Scandinavian/Norse Mythology. But we also had some really unmetal stuff going on. To represent Vikings we used LEGO. That's Unmetal enough to me..."

Yeah, I agree that there's a lot of unmetal things going on here, such as utilizing a popular plastic children's toy as a visual aide to help teach your fellow students about something as deeply rooted in true metal inspiration as Norse mythology. That's not all you did though. You also brought a little wooden sword with you for your presentation, to show your peers that vikings also used swords, and that if swords were really little and made of wood, that's what they'd look like. Also, the Amon Amarth shirt is a nice touch, albeit an extremely ham-fisted attempt at relevancy.

EDIT: And of course, the poster for Ensiferum's Blood is the Price of Glory in the back. Thanks Sean Hill.

However, for all the unmetalocity we're looking at here, both you and your pal are completely redeemed in your actions within the realm of epic, balls out, true heavy metal, without even realizing it. Consider for a moment, the fact that there aren't many things more metal than not giving a flying lily fuck about school or your education. There's no way around it from the solid evidence we're seeing here: you guys definitely thought up, as well as completed this project in no less than 20 minutes of uninspired laziness. This was clearly thrown together either the day before, or perhaps even the day of this project being due. I also like to imagine that you're doing this presentation, when you were supposed to be doing a book report on To Kill a Mockingbird instead.

Great job guys! For his unmetal photo submission, Finn Dekker shall receive the grand prize of a D- for the semester. 

Have any photos of you and your poseur friends acting unmetal? You can either submit them to the Wall of the TNM Facebook page, or you can e-mail photo submissions to brenocide[at]thatsnotmetal[dot]com. If I like your submission, I will feature it here on the blog for everybody in the metal elitist community to laugh at. Except laughing isn't metal, so we're just going to scowl and judge. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Metal Clubs

Over the weekend, I decided to emerge from the cavernous dungeon that I wait out my existence in and make a long overdue trip into the city to catch some live music. One of my favourite local bands was playing an after midnight basement gig and I thought I may as well grace the pit with my presence and get my dose of exercise for the month. The gig was going to be held on a Metal Club night, which essentially means that doors open at 8PM and a number of No-name bands play short sets till the early hours of the morning with the support of a DJ and cheap booze.

It was going to be a swinging party.

I’m going to level with you. I had never been to one of these nights before. I was a bit apprehensive of attending a night where it seemed the live music was just a distraction from drinking and actually (shudder) socializing with people and the bands seemed to be playing second fiddle to a guy spinning records. However, time hasn’t been fair to the guys in the band. They are in the twilight years of a 25+ year career and all they have to show for it is a somewhat respectable underground reputation and an hour long set at 1 in the morning to maybe 150 pissheads at best. So I thought I may as well get down there and show my support for them. Plus I figured that if everything else sucked, at least the 5 dollar spirits would help me get through the night.

Due to a birth defect, I’ve always been robotically punctual, which naturally meant that I arrived precisely at 8PM; giving me 4 hours to kill until the band I came to see took the stage. What I wasn’t prepared for was the absolute shitload of Falseness that I was to behold upon arriving at the venue...

Fat ugly chicks dressed in corsets and lace, pretending to be sexy for the flashing lights of the clubs photographer. Gauged scenebros with sleeve tattoos and bright fluro shirts awkwardly karate kicking on the dancefloor. Gangly Goth weirdo’s with cakey white makeup, black lipstick and those colourless contact lenses casually sipping on Vodka Slushies. A pierced beyond all fuck DJ with a multicoloured Mohawk spinning tunes from choice bands such as Bullet For My Valentine, System Of A Down and Korn.

The pit looked like this. Just more multi-coloured.

I stood aghast; my eyes bulged out of my head in a hideous mix of disgust and horror. It was like an amalgamation of everything that was wrong with the world. If you had of liquefied everyone in that room, you would have had yourself pure, concentrated falseness so potent that it would even shrivel Joey De’Maio’s Balls of Steel.

What kind of wretched hive of misery had I unwittingly stumbled into?

This would be the ultimate test of my spirit. I was a lone Metal warrior facing off against the multi-headed Hydra of falseness in a battle of supremacy to see who would outlast the other.

Armed only with my crossed arms of disapproval and fuelled by pure Irish whiskey, I set off to battle, staring down my opponents and silently judging them with all my might.

I quickly established that the vast majority of the crowd was not here to see the band. Given the fact that most of them were on first name terms with each-other, I could only assume that these were the clubs “regulars”; a bunch of losers that go to the same club every weekend, talk the same shit, and wait out their meaningless existences while climbing over each-other like a bunch of blind puppies in a cardboard box. And my god, how they climbed over each-other. The goth guys were clinging to the fat chicks; the scene bros dragged along their blonde, bimbo girlfriends who looked completely lost, and all anyone could talk about was their sex lives.

It really struck me that for all the effort it took them to look “different” and “provocative”, all they seemed to want to do was drink booze and listen to shitty music just like any regular douchebag you could find in any regular nightclub. Anyplace. Ever.

After the first band took the stage, I realised that it was going to be a long night. The house erupted in vacuous applause as the resident heroes started their set. I don’t remember their name, so I’m just going to call them Fat Green Day cos that’s what they looked and sounded like. A bunch of overweight dudes in eyeliner and bright red ties playing some shitty A Day To Remember mix of Pop Punk and Core.

The kids seemed to lose their shit to Fat Green Day

Being the stubborn bastard that I am, I was determined to enjoy myself, hell I’d already forked out to get into this dump and I wasn’t going home without seeing the band I came to see. So, I invented a little drinking game to keep me amused. Every time the band launched into and open stringed breakdown and started banging their heads in unison, I would take a shot of Whiskey.

Needless to say, after the band finished, I was properly Munted.

The rest of the evening is something of a blur to me. I do remember some actual metalheads showing up later in the night. Grizzled ancients who had probably been with the band since day one. I’m assuming these guys had long since learned not to show up to these events too early. I still have much to learn, I guess.

I also remember completely losing my shit when the band I came to see finally took the stage. As an unexpected bonus, I was so drunk by that point that I couldn’t really feel anything anymore. So I was able to dish out some ample punishment to these falsies in the pit without having to worry about any negative consequences...

Until I woke up the next day with the mother of all hangovers and my ribs bruised beyond all fuck. I’m still not sure how that happened; I may have started a fight or something... I don’t know.

In all honesty, 9/10th’s of that evening blew massive donkey chunks, it was only copious amounts of alcohol that prevented me from leaving in a huff before the band took the stage. If you want my advice, the next time a band you like is playing a Metal nightclub...

Don’t. Fucking. Go.

(or at least be prepared to put your Liver through merry hell)



Friday, July 8, 2011

Awful Metal Video: iwrestledabearonce - You know that ain't them dogs' real voices

Oh IWABO. I don't think I've ever hated anything so much. So deeply, and so passionately. I think this must be what love feels like:

For months I have been eagerly waiting with twisted anticipation, for the release of their latest album, Ruining it For Everybody. While my metal blogging peers seem to have no issue getting their hands on pre-release copies for review, my connections as a hard music insider are all but non-existent. Turns out, record companies don't want their albums reviewed by cynical assholes. This makes a lot of sense to me, so unless I want to treasure hunt for a leaked copy myself, I have to wait for release day like every other shmuck. My yearning to savagely review such a musical disaster is a blood lust that's most insatiable. It's a similar situation to when a protagonist gets captured in a shitty action movie, and the evil villain tells his goons "No, don't kill him. Bring him to me..." Except here, IWABO are heroes to no one. Terrible core music has no heroes, no icons, nobody to hold in higher esteem than anyone else. It is just a pathetic, scurrying, swarming cesspool of sour-smelling indecency and a mindless, unbridled consumption of time, effort and internet airwaves. iwrestledabearonce are hardly the champions of such a land, they merely represent it at its most typically ironic and douchey.

IWABO have quite the track record in regards to taking part in music videos that are only funny to themselves.  "You know that ain't them dogs' real voices" is a classic example of this phenomenon. I don't know this fucking guy in a clown outfit. I'm sure his name is Brent or some shit. I'm sure this is one of those things where it's like "oh man, if you knew Brent, you'd totally get why it's so funny that he's being a pissed off clown right now." But no, I didn't eat school lunch with Brent back in the day. I don't see Brent at keg parties. I don't follow Brent on Twitter. I never went halfsies on a pizza with Brent. Brent can go fuck himself, along with Chad wearing his luchador mask. Brent can blow Chad and help him reach his climax the moment he hears a synthesizer in a fake metal song.

Mariah Carey is playing at the beginning of this video as the party music. Oh gee, that's so hilarious, right? Because we're a bunch of hardcore brutal kids with gauges and ink and viper bites, so we're way too bad ass to listen to something as lame as Mariah Carey which is why this is so funny. Let it be known that Mariah Carey is way harder music than IWABO. That obnoxious bitch can screech and sing circles around Krysta Cameron during even her worst diva breakdown. There are no tough IWABO fans, but there are plenty of Mariah Carey fans that would cut your face for looking at them wrong. I guess I do have to give Cameron credit though. Somewhere between last album and this album, she learned that singers shouldn't be tone deaf, and sings a lot better from the few tracks I've heard. I wouldn't give any credibility to any compliments I have for her, however, because I secretly want to hold her hand, take her to the movies, brush her hair while talking about her day and maybe if she'll let me, fuck her viciously until my wang falls off. Such are the dangers of journalistic integrity.

I totally forgot about the existence of silly string until I saw this video. That stuff is horrible. Or awesome. I don't even remember. As I've grown older, my means of vandalism have evolved from the childish likes of silly string and toilet paper, to more age appropriate means such as gasoline and fire. Unfortunately, silly string doesn't really send the message to church goers on its own anymore... I digress. Apparently IWABO didn't get the memo that there was already a pathetically comedic music video for poseur metal scenesters that involves a party with a bunch of random crap and people getting shoved into a pool.

That's really all I have to say about this. The New In Flames review is a painful process that is well under way. Some other reviews and violations and things are also in the works. Don't worry about the time between updates. It doesn't mean I'm too busy. It just means that I don't give a shit about you.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Ronnie Radke's Falling in Reverse. Which is like Flying. Get it? No?

In case you didn't see him there, or think this band was worth listening to without him.
Any serious drama that goes down in the fake metal scene is nothing short of adorable. It's sort of like glam rock music all over again, but this time on a much smaller, sadder, less significant, and inevitably more forgettable scale. Think of it like instead of having million dollar cocaine parties, we now have keggers that get just a little too out of hand because somebody left the Facebook event open. =\

Case in point, before Escape the Fate were truly horrendous with current vocalist Craig Mabbitt, they were genuinely awful with past vocalist, Ronnie Radke. That doesn't mean that one ETF era (if you want to call it an "era") is necessarily better than the other, I'm just saying that we're dealing with two different types of really bad here. Sort of like David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar. Oh man, did I say that out loud? Sorry. What I meant to say was sort of like David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar.

So in a VH1 Behind the Music story straight out of 1986, Ronnie Radke found himself in some serious legal trouble time and time again involving narcotics and battery charges. For those of you who aren't familiar with legal terminology, "battery" is when one man gets drunk and slaps another in a girly, limp-wristed fashion. It's also the only Metallica song I don't turn off right away. Sometimes. One little scuffle Radke instigated, led to somebody shooting another somebody in the face and killing them dead, and in June 2008 Escape the Fate decided to part ways with Radke and tell him that he wasn't in the band anymore. But only after they realized they couldn't go on tour with a guy who was sitting in fucking prison.

Well not to be outdone by the ghosts of butt rock past, Radke is once again, free as a bird to start new projects and sing all the shitty music he wants. Tell me Radke, why does the caged bird sing? I assume a pretty little boy like you didn't find a lot to enjoy about shower time in federal prison. I can only imagine that your peers ripped you open like a present on Christmas morning. I'm sure in a lot of ways, that's how they saw you. This theory of mine is only strengthened by the fact that you are the lankiest guy to come out of a multiple year prison sentence. Ever. Two years of hard time, with nothing to do except possibly get raped, and you still can't lift a fucking weight?

Assuming his former band is long since over him and satisfied with their current girl boy singer, Radke "started" a new, different band of effeminate men that play guitar okay, called Falling in Reverse. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here and I'll just assume he "started it". What's much more likely, is that he only joined aforementioned band, which I'm sure was already well established in the scene without him, but needed the publicity badly enough to replace their former vocalist and good friend with him instead. He is, after all, vaguely internet famous, so they could be swallowing their pride as artists, and allowing Radke to parade their hard work around as if it was his new band. But no. I'll just assume he must have started it all on his own.

Looking at their newest and only music video for "The Drug in Me is You", I think it's actually kind of funny to see that Radke is able to maintain a sense of humor about his legal troubles:

Tee-hee! I need to be punished! I've been such a naughty boy for getting young people murdered!   I can't say I know exactly what being in prison is like, but I guess the experience was so mild for Radke, that he's still able to look back on the whole thing and laugh about it. Hopefully someday he'll feel the same way about his music. 

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Happy 4th! Here's The Muppets Covering Dying Fetus

When viewing unbridled death metal glory such as this on full display, it makes you wonder why the Muppets wasted their their time covering fucking Bohemian Rhapsody instead:

Click Here To Watch The Video

Also, in honor of it being Independence Day, I would like to remind all of you that America is still as unmetal as ever. No matter how hard Florida tried. I'm going to spend my 4th of July celebration listening to copious amounts of NWOBHM and esoteric Swedish death metal bands, as well as binge drinking an assortment of Irish whiskey, Belgian beer, and Russian vodka. I would drive up to Canada to wait things out, but what should have went towards gas money was instead spent on fucking state income tax. Tennessee may have had no metal scene to speak of, but I'm assuming now it's because when people are allowed to keep their own money, they don't get pissed off enough to start metal bands. Then again, that place was part of the half of America that doesn't know the difference between the Constitution and the Bible, so I can either pay up or deal with that retardation. It's one or the other in America. Usually both.

Whenever I spit, it hits the ground for a good reason.  

Friday, July 1, 2011

Bromotions: The Cleansing

In all seriousness: underground metal is mostly bullshit. I know you think it puts you on a whole new level of metal elitism when you only listen to bands that are freakishly unknown and unpopular, and record all their albums in their bedroom with the help of a laptop, a software-based drum machine, and a Line 6 POD Studio GX, but think again. For those of us with fully functional brains: elitism = standards. I'd love to get in on all that super smug Kool-Aid sipping of loving disorganized death metal dudes #4 billion and 2, but my biggest drawback is I actually enjoy music that sounds good and like some thought was put into it. I know how exciting it is to get all your buds together in your own space, have your own somewhat pricey musical equipment, and how tempting the thought of starving in a van all summer might be. But trust me fellas, we don't need another deathgrind band. Your music sucks, you're all fat, you wear baseball hats on stage, women aren't going to fuck you, and the only thing record labels will hear from you is the thud of your demo hitting the bottom of a trash can. Go to college or work in construction. 

I just want it to be known, that if you're trying to get the word out about your friend's band, or some bands on your independent label, think a little bit before e-mailing me. My blog might not be anything close to mainstream, but if I just paused Individual Thought Patterns to listen to your retarded friends drumming in a basement, your chances of me talking you guys up are pretty grim. I realize that you're all broke and don't know how to write music, so I'm not about to start naming names and making a public mockery of your efforts as struggling artists. I'd rather save that for the well-established bands that deserve it. So to commend the not so shitty underground, TNM would like to present our latest feature: Bromotions. If I receive a heads up on any up and coming metal bands that actually qualify as something I might consider palatable, I will spread the word like a true bro. Because you earned it: 

Not to be confused with the Suicide Silence debut album of the same name. At all.
I think the one thing that creeps me out the most about Copenhagen, Denmark's The Cleansing, is that I received their album in my inbox, and it actually turned out to be a band that I am going to listen to and enjoy in my spare time. Shit like that just doesn't happen in real life. Realistically, all that should happen is I'm supposed to hear your music, respect your valiant efforts as a band that's not wildly popular, name drop you on my blog with a little bit of information about you to help spread the word, and then never think of you or speak of you again. I'll be happy to admit that The Cleansing is being uploaded to my iPod as we speak. With such limited storage space, that's not an easy place to find yourself these days for any band, let alone one that has less Facebook likes than I do. This is Death Metal done right. Listening to their pulse-pounding riffs, blast-beat powered ferocity, and eerie guitar solos, makes me happier than running through a blizzard of titties: 

It might not be the single most ground-breaking sound on the planet, but the musical progression of Feeding the Inevitable is phenomenal for a band at this stage in their career. Forming in only 2007, they come off sounding like death metal titans that have been at this sort of thing for decades. I'm definitely a fan, and see these guys going to some pretty high places in the modern death metal scene if the right people hear them. Also, this might be the most embarrassing admission ever, but I think it's a great point to make regardless: Feeding the Inevitable is an incredible album in its own right musically, but the album art is what made me consider listening to it. It just looks so monumentally bad ass, and like it took real talent to prepare. It conveys to you that The Cleansing are a band that take this kind of shit seriously, and as such, should be taken seriously themselves. Coming from the position of a guy who can promote other people's music, (I guess...) this should be a lesson for any up and coming metal bands out there. Spare no expense and don't look over any detail, no matter how minor. If I was reading through my inbox, and saw just another black and white photograph of a bunch of dead trees as an album cover, I probably would have just kept it moving. We're human beings, we're simple creatures, and we judge books by their covers. Take note.

Check this band out in anyway possible:
Last FM:

If your band doesn't suck and you want to be featured here on the page, e-mail me at:
brenocide [at] thatsnotmetal [dot] com

A Quick Word About Models

The other day I was schmoozing around the internet as I often do, looking at merch for gigs I’m never going to see, when I came across this picture...

Image downsized due to it's graphic nature.

Just let your eyes soak up that image for a minute. You angry yet? Good, then we can begin...

Oh, wait, here’s another...

One more...
Didn't know Matt Heafy was a fan.
I’m sure that many of you have come across these 1st degree douchtards decked out in your favourite band’s gear whilst flipping though redundant magazine’s purely for the lulz. If it’s not some gauged up scene bro staring at you with a vacant expression, it’s a wannabe Goth trying to pout you to death with their pseudo scary-face and looking as "Dark" as possible.

Here we have a classic double whammy. It’s well known that all models are vapid attention whores, trying to fill the void in their limited psyche (usually caused by daddy issues) with the only means their shallow minds can comprehend. Their body. Take this, and mix it with the equally attention craving persona of an Alternative kid, the kind that wears latex, gets a shit load of piercings, dyes their hair, etc, for any kind of “reaction”; and you have yourself a perfect example of trying too hard. So, what we basically have here is someone who makes a living out of being a try-hard poseur.

I’m not even sure how anyone goes about becoming an “alternative” model in the first place. It's fairly obvious that the models wearing these shirts and apparel haven't the faintest clue what Metal really is, and if they do, they certainly don't respect it. Is there actually some kind of industry revolving around finding and marketing people that look like this? Because I would suggest the people running the industry go back to community college and figure out who the fuck they're trying to market their products to, rather than just go down to their local Metal Club and getting ahold of the first meathead throwing down on the dancefloor to the DJ's set of Nine Inch Nails and System of a Down.