Friday, July 1, 2011

A Quick Word About Models

The other day I was schmoozing around the internet as I often do, looking at merch for gigs I’m never going to see, when I came across this picture...

Image downsized due to it's graphic nature.

Just let your eyes soak up that image for a minute. You angry yet? Good, then we can begin...

Oh, wait, here’s another...

One more...
Didn't know Matt Heafy was a fan.
I’m sure that many of you have come across these 1st degree douchtards decked out in your favourite band’s gear whilst flipping though redundant magazine’s purely for the lulz. If it’s not some gauged up scene bro staring at you with a vacant expression, it’s a wannabe Goth trying to pout you to death with their pseudo scary-face and looking as "Dark" as possible.

Here we have a classic double whammy. It’s well known that all models are vapid attention whores, trying to fill the void in their limited psyche (usually caused by daddy issues) with the only means their shallow minds can comprehend. Their body. Take this, and mix it with the equally attention craving persona of an Alternative kid, the kind that wears latex, gets a shit load of piercings, dyes their hair, etc, for any kind of “reaction”; and you have yourself a perfect example of trying too hard. So, what we basically have here is someone who makes a living out of being a try-hard poseur.

I’m not even sure how anyone goes about becoming an “alternative” model in the first place. It's fairly obvious that the models wearing these shirts and apparel haven't the faintest clue what Metal really is, and if they do, they certainly don't respect it. Is there actually some kind of industry revolving around finding and marketing people that look like this? Because I would suggest the people running the industry go back to community college and figure out who the fuck they're trying to market their products to, rather than just go down to their local Metal Club and getting ahold of the first meathead throwing down on the dancefloor to the DJ's set of Nine Inch Nails and System of a Down.


  1. Lol. What is the guy looking at in the first pic. It looks like it was an accident but the photographer said "Fuck it" and took the pic.

  2. kingcarcas13497/02/2011 5:47 AM

    I always wondered if they were real or photoshopped and i'm still not sure, the only time i cam across this faggotry i will shamefully admit is when i bought a wallet from because i couldn't find a place in person to get one. I probably could have found one at an army store since that rockabilia site takes forever and is also gay but whatever.......

  3. Psycho-Toaster7/02/2011 5:56 AM

    I see the second one all over the place - exact same image with the t-shirt photoshopped onto it. They don't even attempt to make it not obvious half the time.

  4. Looks like the guy in the last photo got lost on his way to the Gaytrix.

    Nice dress, Neo.

  5. What's wrong with the first guy from Impericon?
    He has short black hair, a blue jeans and a belt. Yeah.
    The only guy I hate from Impericon is this guy with the bad eye circles who looks like a junkie taken from under the bridge.
    WSE, Impericon rocks, they have some really nice merch up even though they don't take the best pictures, but I care about the look of the shirts not about the look of the people who need a bit money.


    But wait! There's more

  7. I went to school with a guy that would tuck in all of his metal shirts and wear his jeans kind of high, kind of like some of these ass-hat models.

    He was the last person you would expect to enjoy that kind of music based upon his looks (Clean cut and whatnot), but he was like an Iron Maiden encyclopedia.

  8. I don't see why you added that Black Dahlia Murder picture into this post, since that's what a majority of people who wear Black Dahlia Murder shirts look like.

  9. I once saw Matt Heafy wearing an Iron Maiden shirt in a Youtube video of his 'Betcha Can't Play This'. There were two problems with this, actually three but two different levels of pisstaking but I'll only address the first or else my typing could potentially become colourful, unlike any of his expressions throughout the entire video.

    The the fact that he was wearing an Iron Maiden shirt, his music puts them to disgrace and as you said above; his face was blank throughout the whole thing, not showing a single ounce of enjoyment or exuberance for the fact that he was wearing apparel of one of (in my opinion) the only incredibly good heavy metal bands...
    I can see how you write with frustration and a mild condemning sense about these douchebags. Indeed you do usually only find your favourite band merch strapped to ones that have no clue what metal even is, and a lot of the time you can find it plastered on ones that aren't even metal at all, i.e when you see a reasonably decent death metal band shirt on some poser with make-up, huge stretchers and who obviously doesn't know what happiness is.
    It's almost painful to see these people bringing a bad face to the bands that deserve so much better...


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.