Sunday, July 17, 2011

Ten Music Videos I Found in the "Metal" Section of Video On Demand.

Dear "havoc", I kindly advise you to consult the title of my blog in the classification of your entire playlist. Thank you.
Like most of my fellow under-the-rock metal brethren, I barely ever touch the television. The entire medium has become this shit-pile of recycled concepts and shameless product placement everywhere you look, jamming the divine concept of the "product" down your throat every chance advertisers get, whether it be around the show you're watching or within the show you're watching. For example, Dexter loves killing people, then driving their bodies around in his Ford Escape. I'm not saying the internet isn't just like that also, but there are definitely dark corners of the web you can escape to, that don't try to shamelessly take advantage of you as a mentally retarded consumer. My website is an especially great example, now that Google's run-by-robots AdSense program pulled my advertising because they were being huge cunts about having a publisher that called everybody a "cunt" all the time. I wrote them a courteous e-mail telling them I never did anything wrong and I wanted my fucking money or I would kill their families, but this was all I got as a response:

Bunch of cunts.
I realize this is a bullshit response, and I'm guessing that not a single human hand had anything to do with this. However, I like to believe there really were some Google "specialists" out there whose job it was to review my web page's eligibility for adspace, only to see that my posts typically mentioned things like how "Dani Filth likes to tongue jab microphones like they're little boy's buttholes." Google is a company full of a bunch of Indian hipster fuckoffs and fat chicks who ride around on segways and bring their dogs to work. Fuck you Google. If Bing actually worked, I would search for metal band photos with it instead. I'd rather make no money at all and say whatever the dog balls I want, rather than follow your tight-assed Nazi supercunt publisher rules and then have you end up rewarding my efforts with inexcusably irrelevant advertising, and next to no money at all. I hope all you readers bought some high quality "metal detectors" and "metal shingle roofs" as a result of Google's top-notch advertising. For a blog this amazing, I deserve to be a fucking millionaire and nothing less. It's not selling out if you make money from being awesome. For the time being I am a nothingaire, and will eat my fingernail clippings for nourishment.

So what was I talking about again? Oh, right.

I don't really deal with TV, but after I ran out of things to hate on the internet, I decided to dig through the Video On Demand feature on my digital cable subscription. It's sort of cool, because you can watch several different shows and movies that would usually be on a dedicated television schedule at your own convenience, but sort of bullshit because everything on TV sucks donkey dong as it is, and what you can actually choose from on demand is pretty limited. After messing around with it, I found a section dedicated to music channels, and to my gullible delight, there was a music video section dedicated specifically to "Metal" videos. Man, am I fucking stupid. At what point did I stop knowing that I'm the only person in the world who knows what real metal music is? Today I will share with you 10 out of the many wrongly classified music videos that I found in the "Metal" sections of Havoc Television on demand and Music Choice on demand. This list is 100% factual, and wasn't comprised for the faint of heart:

1. Attack Attack - Smokahontas 

Our favorite crabcore pioneers are about as far from gangster as it gets, but are probably more gangster than 50 Cent ever actually will be. Bunny hoppin lyke a BOSS. 

2. Motionless in White - Abigail

I'm not sure what made me rage harder; the fact that this is already the name of a King Diamond song, or that there's a bunch of fucking mimes playing buttcore on my screen. 

3. Dr. Acula - Who You Gonna Call?

... Buttbusters! People like this?

4. Emmure - Solar Flare Homicide

Limp Bizcore.

5. Dimmu Borgir - Dimmu Borgir

Yes! A real metal ban... oh, wait, nope. It's just Dimmu Borgir guys. False alarm. These guys are about as KVLT as Ke$ha. They even fail hard at producing grim music videos. Those aren't fucking wolves, Dimmu. Don't act like I don't know a Siberian Husky when I see one.

6. I See Stars - The Common Hours

WHAT? Clearly the person who's organizing these music videos is off their fucking rocker. I can potentially, maybe, sort of see how someone could make the error, as egregious as it may be, that some of these other bands could be considered "metal", because they sing all gurgly and they distort their guitars or whatever. Your best excuse is that you're dumb. That's okay, I suppose, but what sort of excuse is there for this? This is barely loud. This is like Simple Plan with breakdowns. People should lose their jobs over this kind of shit. Video highlight at 0:55-0:57.

7. Five Finger Death Punch - The Bleeding

Five Finger Butt Punch are all of the absolute worst things about 90's nu-metal wrapped up in one big, tribal-tattooed package, and are active in a day and age that wants nothing to do with them. Unless of course we're talking about the generation X dropouts that DJ your local radio rock stations, and still think bands like Korn and Disturbed are relevant because they don't know how to use the internet. I think "The Bleeding" is named after one possible faithful night when the band's tour bus broke down on the side of the road somewhere for an agonizing 36 minutes, and the members got so lonely that they couldn't contain their man lust for one another any longer. A maneuver that occurred on said night, could also be how they came up with the current name of their band. Only speculation, of course. This music video leads me to believe it's actually about him breaking up with his 15-year-old girlfriend.

8. Attila - Rage

I can't imagine you guys have any interest, but Attila's rise to fame began with their lead singer, Chriz Fronz starring on an episode of MTV Made. He began as a gnarly looking fat dude with big mutton chops, and he wanted to be "Made" into a male super model. After a lot of dedication and hard work, he was transformed from a guy you'd want to hang out with, into a skinny, pretty-boy bitch, and returned to fronting his shitty band. People still debate whether or not this was how the genre of deathcore actually found its beginnings, considering the popularity of frontmen such as Oli Sykes and Mitch Lucker. 

9. Scarlett O'Hara - Lost in Existence 

That's not milk.

10. In Flames - Deliver Us. 

As promised, I'm currently writing the review for this album, and you guys can expect it sometime this week. But listening to this shit is physically exhausting. At least when I reviewed BVB and Escape The Fate, I got to laugh a little bit. I enjoyed hating those albums. There is no such joy in Sounds of a Playground Fading. Just listen to this one song and multiply it 13 times. I can't do it in one sitting. I actually can't. It's the most miserable experience I've ever had listening to music. I think that ferris wheel they're riding on is an analogy for repetition. 

So what's the moral of this story? Cancel your cable TV subscription.

Good night, folks.

- Brenocide \,,/


  1. Dimmu Borgir is completely bad ass compared to the other shit on this list. But then again I like Dimmu Borgir so whateva....I listen to what I want.

  2. Oh and thanks for the heads up on Google Adsense. I was thinking about doing that but yeah if they're going to be anus clenching dickheads about content then fuck em.

  3. This really sucks. I found Enslaved, Nile, Amon Amarth, and Pantera on this same on demand about 5 years ago. Oh well at least I'm still true.

  4. I almost broke my tv when I saw the In Flames video, thanks for putting it in the proper context.

  5. kingcarcas13497/17/2011 8:33 PM

    Google, they were the little guy everyone loved and eventually they get their head up their ass when their turn into a tech giant, like everyone else. Chrome is fast but i refuse to use it, plus i'm used to FF and know my way around it and i'm hopefully not being spied on.
    As for the cable music channels, i haven't tuned in to that stuff in ages, back in the day it was music choice and played suck, if you wanted to find new bands the internet radio was the way to go. It has since changed to XM or something like that but i don't care.
    Ahhh Dimmu, spent more time on their makeup than making good riffs, i'm waiting for them to give up and just put some breakdowns into their songs. I'm guessing that's a newer video?
    In Flames i will admit is the only song i can sit through, there was a time when i did enjoy them.
    Cable is garbage if you don't mind losing sports and the occasional ghost show/science shows. Make way for your new Netflix overlords!

  6. FFDP and Emmure are amazing metal bands you little scumbag. I bet you're the kind of guy who would fuck a man in the ass and not even have the goddamned common courtesy to give him a reacharound.

  7. wah.. what... oh! Right. Dr. Acula is a thing... or something... I forgot.

  8. I think I have openstringed-poisoning now

  9. ''That's not milk.'' made me laugh way too hard

  10. All these bands are like death metal - lite for girls. The only people I know who listens these bands are annoying 18 year old cunts.

  11. I think the guy in the "that's not milk" video is Cyanide.

  12. AlabasterAsshole7/18/2011 10:42 PM

    One of the worst things about being an intelligent person in this day and age is knowing that almost all music you're likely to be exposed to blows anteater dick.

  13. i didnt think a band could take themselves seriously if they released a song that was just one faggoty ass breakdown...what was attack attack thinking? oh yeah they werent..

  14. Wait, wait... You couldn't find something to hate on the Internet?

  15. Rodríguez7/19/2011 3:12 PM

    What is so bad about Dimmu Borgir? Just curious.

  16. haha I like FFDP (not a diehard fan, but some songs r good) and I really like in flames, but ye, they really sold out...shame. but anyway, i dont get all the hate for dimmu borgir... they just changed a lot...of course we all want the stormblast dimmu borgir back, but im pretty sure their fame would go down if they did so since they r already one of the "popular" "black" metal bands...its just different...i still <3 their music tho, but mostly old albums! :D oh btw go ahead call me a "butthurt poseur fag" i dont care, this is just how i was born xD i just like a wide range of metal, old and new (btw i hate the core shit, dont worry)

    keep it real, and keep it metal! \m/


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.