Thursday, August 15, 2013

Random Things I'll Negatively Review Instead of Super Collider

Everybody's a critic

When Megadeth -- thrash titans of Big Three fame -- released their fourteenth studio album, Super Collider, the internet couldn't band together to hate it fast enough. After gaining themselves some barely listenable momentum with End Game and Th1rt3en, expectations were particularly "high" for Megadeth's next big release. Unfortunately, those hopes were soundly dashed when the band started releasing singles from the album back in late April. These two songs, Super Collider and Kingmaker, accurately set the rest of the album up as the inevitable dad rock dump that it totally was.

People were quick to voice their disappointment, and upon hearing Super Collider myself, I confirmed that they had every right to. This wasn't a very good album. This wasn't even an okay album. Outside of some very occasional high notes, this was a pretty bad album. It's not really the end of the world like some critics are making it out to be; it had some decent guitar work, and some stylistic throwbacks to a younger Megadeth, but the compliments end there. Super Collider, like several of the band's studio endeavors before it, shall be tossed callously into my mental bin of other underwhelming, shitty Megadeth albums. There, Super Collider will lay forgotten with the likes of Youthanasia, Cryptic Writings, Risk, The World Needs a Hero... The System has Failed... ... United Abominations... ... most of the songs off of Countdown...

Wait, tell me how we all got so fucking disappointed again?

Friday, July 12, 2013

Every Metalcore Vocalist

Courtesy of Jarrod Alonge of the YouTube, who's satirical accuracy leads me to believe he's been to too many shows of this caliber. Therefore, I don't trust him. His supposed accuracy is of course, purely speculation on my part because I wouldn't ever know. Literally ever. I shouldn't even think this is funny because I don't have any idea how I can measure this video's merit as a worthy parody. I'm going to just guess at this, because if I were to take a guess at how a metalcore vocalist at a metalcore show would act, it would probably be exactly like this. He has those glasses like I have seen people wearing in pictures on the internet that are supposed to make me mad, though.

I don't go to metalcore shows. There is only TRVTAL.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Black Veil Brides Getting Busted Matters: Quit It with Fake Cabinets

I know. I've never been very nice about Black Veil Brides being a band. I hate their music, I hate their style, and over everything else, I hate what they represent. The commercialization of heavy metal music makes me take a massive, doom-scented rage shit right in my camo pants. I have a very me-me-me personality, and I don't like a lot of people liking something that takes from things that I like. Or putting bands I actually like on fashionable t-shirts for fashionable, mainstream people to wear. Sorry, you have to pay your dues to truly appreciate the Def Leppard shirt you're wearing. Even I'm still working my way up to that. No, I'm not saying I actually like Def Leppard. I'm saying I don't actually deserve to yet.

So BVB is a terrible thing I hate very much. Which is why whenever the band faces any sort of backlash or scrutiny, my brain releases the same sort of endorphins one would experience when eating birthday cake, or enjoying an assisted orgasm. BVB bashing is equally moist and delicious on both accounts. So of course, when photos started circulating the internet of the band getting busted for using sans-speaker dummy cabinets during their performance on Warped Tour, I couldn't light those candles fast enough. So rich. So decadent:

Happy Birthday to me...
Despite how eternally great it feels to be handed more reasons to put these lipstick-wearing queefbags down another peg; members of the musical blogosphere, being the sound intellectual types that we are, couldn't have played devil's advocate for these butt puckers fast enough. No one could hardly wait to point out the very sobering fact that major rock and roll groups have been doing this sort of thing for decades. We seem to have no issue shamelessly backing up any garbage act, so long as we get a chance to portray ourselves as time-tested, in-the-know, musical specialists. Slayer, Kiss, Judas Priest, Van Halen, Kiss, Iron Maiden, Manowar, Kiss; all bands totally guilty of the same sort of aesthetic trickery. Shit, even our favorite Black Metal joke band Immortal got called out for the exact same thing several years ago:

You can't handle the TRVTH...

Even BVB themselves couldn't wait to fire back at those accusing them of their very real bullshit. Underwhelming vocalist Andy Biersak, leapt onto his Twitter and posted this little gem in the band's defense:

Thus implying that when someone has tattoos, we skeptical types assume they're lying about what their skin really looks like. Have no fear, Andy. Nobody in the universe doubts that your batman tattoo was a bad idea you made all on your own. The band even went the additional mile, turning their empty cabinets around during a set to give a stern "fuck you" to all of those internet haters that hurt them so deeply square in the butt:

Along with this picture, Biersack additionally wrote: “Through some magic of technology even though our dummy cabs are turned around and empty WE STILL PLAYED A LIVE SHOW. Dear clueless cred police meatheads, the cabs are staging meant to enhance the stage show, but since you couldn’t get that we figured its time we show you what’s behind them. Now sadly it’s time for you to find a new thing to hate BVB about. We play live through DI profiling amps and you’re idiots. By the way amplifiers and speakers are two different things..unless your super cool “core” band has found a way to plug directly into cabs.” 

I just quickly want to rebut that I don't hate you fellas because you used fake cabinets. I hate you guys because your music sucks.

With that said, the argument from BVB and bloggers alike stood strong. Walls of fake cabinets is business as usual; this is the oldest trick in the book, this has been done by a countless number of legit hard rock acts. It's for stage presence, it's for aesthetic, it's part of the show, it's "aesthetic volume", it's a way to fill up all the black and empty stage space without using ovens and dishwashers a la Rush.

Shut the fuck up.

Seriously. All of you. Shut your ever-undeserving-of-cake-holes. These aren't arguments. These are barely excuses. These statements from BVB are nothing more than the ramblings of a live group attempting to hide their shame and embarrassment. You fans and bloggers pointing out how other live acts have done this sort of thing for decades isn't even scratching the surface of a satisfactory justification. This sort of live performance bullshittery is on the same exact level as Lady Gaga lip-syncing and Miley Cyrus using doubles. It was stupid and insulting when Kiss filled their stage with a wall of their own redundant pine boxes back in the late 70's and it's even worse now. I wouldn't in a million years change my stance on this if you told me that my favorite musical act of all time did this sort of thing. I would just tell you that they were worse for doing it.

Black Veil Brides getting busted for fake cabinets matters. It matters because it's opening a dialogue. It's starting a conversation about what listeners consider acceptable of a live rock performance and what they think isn't. A lot of you are easily writing this off as just part of a stage show, as part of the entertainment. A wall of speakers is just something we associate with those old MTV arena rock music videos, and it's what we come to expect from a larger-than-life, loud rock performance. Who cares if it's all for show? None of you are allowing yourselves to fully absorb the inescapable fact that this is, and always has been a direct insult to your intelligence as a concert-goer.

Bands like BVB are no better than clumsy magicians who had their simple tricks revealed. When called out for their shams, they grabbed their squashed dead doves from their collapsible cages, and with the grace of a mad cow disease victim, wagged the corpses wildly in the air shrieking "FUCK YOU HATERS IT'S JUST A SHOW". You as concert goers were never meant to know those cabinets were fake. They were planted there to convince the audience that they were what was firing out the massive sound that was being produced by completely different means. No matter how you want to spin this, BVB's fans were being lied to, and exposed lies warrant apologies, not excuses.

This sort of thing, even so slightly, can harm a band's reputation and make them seem a lot less authentic. And for what? Showmanship? See, what makes for good showmanship are things that are capable of actually adding to the entertainment. Pyrotechnics, goat skulls, some lady who's willing to participate in some blasphemous cross action. I hope I'm not only speaking for myself when I say that just having a lot of speakers on stage isn't really impressing or entertaining fucking anybody. The only people in the crowd you would possibly impress with such pointless smoke and mirrors are the other musicians. Guys who look up and wish they could afford or have room in their garage for that many fucking Marshalls. That's it. Consider a typical BVB fan for a moment. Do most of them even know what a guitar amplifier cabinet really is or what it does? If the stage was void of these false speakers, would anybody notice? I wager that the majority of their hormonal teenage eyes were much too busy being fixated on the tight jeans showing off Andy's Biersack.

This goes for every musical act possible. Even the ones who play good music. Fake cabinets are just superfluous excess. It means your band has too much money to spend on shit that doesn't matter or help your cause as an entertaining live act. It's an insult to the concert-goers who are led to believe you're any louder than the PA system allows you to be. It's an even greater insult to the smaller acts who struggle to afford the three or four real cabinets they use on stage, which aren't too far off from your non-imaginary setup. We pay, quite frankly, too much fucking money to see you people perform your music live. The least you can do is stop finding stupid ways to bullshit us. 

Now sadly, it's time for me to go find a new thing to hate BVB about. I'll keep you posted.

- Brenocide \,,/

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Heavy Metal Degree: At least it's not Philosophy

There's been sufficient buzz in the poseursphere recently about U.K-based academy, New College Nottingham offering a Heavy Metal Degree as one of their available majors to study. I've had multiple requests from readers to mercilessly tear into the concept of getting a degree in something like Heavy Metal, and I was originally tempted to do only such. My first reaction to such a notion, like everyone else's was "that's fucking dumb", and it is fucking dumb. What's the subject matter? What bands and genres will the professors consider relevant to metal music? Is NWOBHM even going to be it's own course? Why not offer Black Metal as it's own doctoral program? What sort of musical methods are they going to teach? Etc, etc. Judging only from the photograph of these cartoon characters they use to represent typical students in this field, my inner-elitist boils instantly to seething temperatures; my foot quivers at the ready for an ass to kick:


My original thought was that there's nobody in the entire world who "gets it" less than some silly turd paying tuition to be taught all about heavy metal in a formal setting. Rest assured everyone, you don't have to pay a red cent just to end up another misinformed poseur. Just ask all my anonymous commentators. With that said, I still find myself pretty torn on the whole subject. On the other side of the coin, the genre of Heavy Metal as a focus of study; especially if taught properly, is no less completely retarded than many of the other musical majors that will leave you jobless and up to your nose ring in debt for the rest of your stupid life. Think about it; Music Therapy is just one such major offered at many music academies around my country. A major where one can learn, appreciate, and study how to produce yoga balls music that can relax a fart out of someone. breathe in deep, unlcench your sphincter, and release your  chi...

Hell, in the universe of realistic expectations, most recently earned music degrees are hanging up on the wall of some entitled Generation Y dipshit who didn't realize he/she had to actually work for a living. And it doesn't stop at music; there's a multitude of other completely useless and wasteful degrees one can acquire in all sorts of subjects: Art History, Latin, Film, Cultural Studies, Photography, Religion... I mean, when's the last time you hired a fucking philosopher? 

Not since you could pay him with a marble statue.
The biggest argument everyone has against this Heavy Metal degree is that it's a 'waste of time', or so thinks the Campaign for Real Education. Yet if we were to go and pull all the available college majors that can reasonably be considered a 'waste of time', then the best and brightest academies and universities of the world would shut down overnight. Tuition payments from the naive hipsters of the world trying to make a career out of fun, cool, statistically unrealistic jobs are what's keeping the campus' grass so offensively green. So with all the dumb bullshit you can waste your time and money doing in college, why shouldn't someone be able to major in heavy metal music? Heavy metal as a genre is an intriguing cultural phenomenon. A form of music that has managed to garner a world-wide fanbase of millions upon millions of people, without having any proper support or acceptance from mainstream media. It has a dense, colorful history, with a seemingly endless number of subgenres, variations and technical methods of playing. It honestly has just as much right to be included in a music school's curriculum as jazz or classical, if not more so. Especially jazz. Skippity boo bop, fuck you. 

I am however, not optimistic about what the qualifications of this Liam Maloy are -- the man who put the controversial course load together -- for teaching such a subject. If I were to go based on first impressions alone, things aren't weighing too heavily in his favor:

Nottingham's self-appointed Master of Metal Mayhem
So to sum it all up, I'm not really too strongly opposed to the concept of someone teaching heavy metal in schools. But I'm completely against what's going to be the inevitably piss-poor implementation of any such degree. Especially with Dr. Fauxhawk up there with his Rock n' Roll clown shirt at the helm of all this. I feel bad for any derpwad dim enough to think this stooge has the answer to your future career blowing up the stage as the next metal shredding all star. Or thinking that he has any real insight into the history and happenings of the genre. It sounds more like all he has to offer is some collegiate advice about the music industry, which he believes in regards to metal is "growing" and "crying out for this degree". Anyone of us who listens to metal music that doesn't involve wearing fingerless gloves, knows that is some next-level horse shit. In the case of quality metal music, the less "industry", the better.

Do you want to learn about metal? Listen to it. Aurally assault yourself with every associated album you can get your grubby mitts on from 1968 to present. Buy a guitar, look up tabs, check out lessons on YouTube if you can't afford real ones. You don't need some overpaid, chalky-fingered twat in a sweater to explain it to you at 8:30 in the morning. If, however, you live in the Nottingham area, and you had your eye on that degree in Philosophy or Yoga Farts, you might as well waste two of those years learning about something cooler. Even if that something is the extensive cultural impact Slipknot had at the dawn of the new millennium.

So feel free to sound off and tell me what you think about schools offering heavy metal degrees in the comments below. Or share some ideas for course names if you were to set up your own curriculum in the study of Metalology:

Also, special thanks to Ronnie Lopez for his recent generous donation! If you want to help keep TNM alive and ad-free, please consider a small donation. It's greatly appreciated!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Jeff Hanneman of Fucking Slayer is Fucking Dead right now Holy Fuck

He's dead. He has fucking died.

He was breathing just yesterday and today as of this writing he is not. He is gonna have worms eating his eyes, and all of that by next week. Seriously. He is an ex-Slayer member way more than Dave Lombardo could ever hope to be.

A spider bite almost killed him two years ago, but not satisfied with almost being killed, Jeff Hanneman, guitarist of Slayer, is now thoroughly killed. Totally and completely actually killed due to liver failure. His band writes:

"Slayer is devastated to inform that their bandmate and brother, Jeff Hanneman, passed away at about 11AM this morning near his Southern California home. Hanneman was in an area hospital when he suffered liver failure. He is survived by his wife Kathy, his sister Kathy and his brothers Michael and Larry, and will be sorely missed. Our Brother Jeff Hanneman, May He Rest In Peace (1964 – 2013)"

While I won't speculate that his liver failure was directly caused by decades of binge drinking... it was probably caused by decades of binge drinking. I know that might be hurtful to imply if that isn't the case, but the guy has a fucking Heineken logo on his signature guitar. Figure it out.

If it turns out to be true, Jeff Hanneman drinking himself to death is not metal. But Jeff Hanneman drinking himself to death is also, pretty metal. RIP brother.

Friday, April 26, 2013

"Stop Letting The Music Industry Pick Your Music For You"... Unless That Music Industry is Pantera

I was judging everyone's white people problems on my Facebook newsfeed this morning when I stumbled upon the gem you see above, shared by some scrawny limbed chump in my "Friends" list from the Official Pantera Facebook page. Unfriended. Eat a wood screw salad you repugnant spermwad.

While it's pretty audacious for whomever is in charge of Pantera's page to post probably one of the most hypocritical things ever written since the U.S Constitution, I'm going to direct this to the greasy-haired internet schmuck who actually took the 14 minutes in Photoshop to create this thing; without utilizing a fraction of any of those minutes to consider how his statement makes absolutely 0 fucking sense to anyone. Anyone, of course, except for the 25,xxx people who "liked" this post at the time of this writing. That's right, 25,000+ Pantera Fans agree with an online statement of how "underground" Pantera is on a single post. Just sit and let that digest for a little while.

First, let's talk about the "music industry".  The music industry consists of all the companies and individuals that make money by creating and selling music. An excellent example of such a company is Atco, a record label owned by the Warner Music Group. Ringing any bells yet? Atco was the record label that released Vulgar Display of Power, inarguably Pantera's most widely popular and best selling album. After last year's re-release of the album, its total sales increased to 2,177,000 making Pantera a double-platinum act based off one record alone.

The 2012 rerelease of VDoP sold 9,000 copies in its first week. If those were all purchased on iTunes, that's $90,000 dollars generated by the name Pantera in just one week. Even more if you consider the price of buying it on CD at a store. If you're a reader of this site, you probably don't even see half of that sort of money in a goddamn year. I don't know why anyone would go through life without realizing that all the ex-members of the band Pantera without bullet holes in their faces are fucking rich.

Here are some satellite photos of Vinnie Paul Abbot's home.  These are only attainable by such means, as all unauthorized people on the premises are shot on site in an effort to protect Pantera's status as a group of DIY-underground bad asses:

In-ground pool sized to fit exactly one Vinnie Paul.
Pantera is such an undeniably mainstream act, it hurts my prostate. MTV, Vh1, FM radio, and magazines are (or were) all major cogs in the music industry machine, and have been giving Pantera more than a fair share of exposure and lauding for decades. The members enjoyed an impossible amount of fame and even impossibly fatter wallets because of it all. Serious money was made on Pantera. To think that Pantera and the music industry are parallel entities by any means is to not think at all. 

I understand the point you're trying to convey because I was in middle school once myself. Popular music acts get way more recognition than the "music that deserves it". It's true that Justin Bieber sold way more in his fart of a musical career than Pantera ever did or ever will in all the time they were active and not murdered. But that's because Bieber is way more widely accepted by a much broader audience with more money to spend on him and his Vanilla Ice haircut. It's like you're comparing Budweiser to Flying Dog IPA. Just because a lot more people enjoy and buy Budweiser doesn't mean that Flying Dog is a truer, grass roots, underground beer that defies all traditions of the beer industry. Millions of dollars are made selling that shit thanks to a niche of people who prefer it over the bigger name stuff. It's still money. It's still business. The scale is irrelevant. If you want to listen to good metal that wasn't made for money so you can make some ham-fisted point like the one you attempted, it's all over the place. Get Googling, dipshit. Bands like Pantera are the last place to look. 

Working on another big update. This one was just some random inspiration of the day. Now go out there and tell some Pantera fans they love pop music.

- Brenocide \,,/

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Dear Carlos,

If he was anywhere near as metal as you for reading my blog, then this is how your bro would have have wanted it, Carlos.

Much love brother. Sorry for your loss.

- Brenocide \,,/


I've been reading the blog comments on and off for some months now, and have managed to surmise that most of you, or all of you require some serious life/internet advice:


If I found out that I wrote a response to something that was written one, two, or even three years ago, I'd be fucking humiliated. I would feel like absolute human waste. I'd be crying in the shower in shame. I'd feel like fucking killing myself for being so inexcusably retarded. You know why? Because it's an accident. It's a goddamn mistake if you ever share your opinion on something someone else did YEARS ago. I wouldn't even touch an internet post or article that was getting up there in months. It's like if you were going to interview Mike Tyson and you asked about Holyfield's ear. Sorry, sports analogy... It's like if you interviewed Dave Mustaine about getting kicked out of... I dunno, the beard club. Get with the fucking program already. Get in the fucking loop.

I figured you were stupid enough for thinking Soilwork was a good band, but does it really go this far beyond that? It's gotten so bad, that if you disagree with me on this website, I just automatically assume you have a learning disability. You guys are time bandits. Time vampires. You're all a waste of my time and you seem to have no problem wasting your own time reading this shit and writing to me. So if you're so deeply involved in the process and progress of time, why not figure out what year it is? Twats.

The neighbors just got a new fridge and left the box on the side of the street. Not about to let perfectly good shelter go to waste, I have appropriated it for my own purposes. So let's all pile in to my cardboard imagination machine and travel through time together. Just don't try to grab my wang while you're in there, like the last guy who I got to agree to this.

Let's begin our journey, shall we? Let's set our first coordinates to DECEMBER 9th, 2010:


Thursday, January 31, 2013

John Laux of Warbringer Interviewed by THIS GUY:

Don't binge on grape drink, kids. That shit is carb-heavy. You'll end up falling asleep in it chin-first and then interviews with metal artists will never look the same.


Monday, January 21, 2013

Black Metal Peanut Butter

God knows where the hell you found that picture, Carl, but thanks for thinking I'm even remotely quotable.

Newer, bigger, better article is in progess, as they always are. In the meantime, remember that Almond butter may want to be peanut butter, but we in the peanut butter elite fully recognize it as a false nut-based cream spread for poseurs and wannabes.

- Brenocide \,,/

Thursday, January 17, 2013

How To Be A Brutal Metal Vocalist by Sam Meador of Xanthochroid

I'm surprised he even brought up Pop Filters. Those are like, the basics.

Like Xanthochroid on Facebook if you like music that's good:

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

This is the only good music video ever. Trivium is still stupid.

This is the only music video I have watched and enjoyed. It's a couple years old and hasn't been seen by anybody except us. I want these guys to be signed immediately. In other news, I'm working on something substantial again, but it's gonna keep being like this. You're gonna go a while without much of anything except some crappy blurbs about shit that doesn't matter. You want news updates? Here's one: Girls still don't want to fuck you.

No, but seriously, as if Trivium couldn't figure out a way to be more false, they decided to have David Draiman of Disturbed produce their new album:

Draiman, seen here, contemplating just how badly he wants to get down with Heafy's sickness.
Out of all the bands that teeter on the fence between metal music and radio butt riffs, Trivium is only second to Avenged Sevenfold in finding new ways to prove themselves on the wrong side of that fence. I mean, at this point, I think it's safe to say that they're totally on the wrong side of that fence. They're on the wrong side, and they've drilled holes just big enough to fit their pale little peckers through, and they're just fucking wagging them at us. They're wagging their flaccid wieners at us and giggling with jolly fervor as we just have to look on from a distance. Look on from a distance, all pissed off and listening to our Sweet Savage records, doing our best to ignore them. Some of you even go over for a taste.

Still don't think Trivium unmetal? That picture was taken from Paolo Gregoletto's smarty phone and uploaded onto his Instagram feed. And here you were thinking only a seasoned Photoshop wizard could apply such a cracker jack black n' white filter. If snapping shots of David  Draiman's cue ball with your iPhone, while the hippest of Heafys noodles away on his vintage-style Gibson just a foot away from rock radio's favorite chin-tusked man baby isn't unmetal, I don't know what is. This coming from the blowhard that started a web page all about that specifically. How much more do we need to drive home that you need to stop listening to Trivium if you don't want to suck? Did they break up yet? Then a lot more. 

Friday, January 11, 2013

Confirmed for Poseur

Hansi Kursch of Blind Guardian confirmed for poseur:

D.D Verni of Overkill confirmed for poseur:

David Davidson of Revocation confirmed for poseur:

James Malone of Arsis confirmed for poseur:

Varg Vikernes of Burzum confirmed for poseur:

Paul Masvidal of Cynic and Death To All confirmed for poseur:

Charlie Benante of Anthrax confirmed for poseur:

Barney Greenway of Napalm Death confirmed for poseur:

And of course:

Confirm more poseurs in the comments below:

EDIT: Baldies don't count.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Underoath calls it quits: Doing the world a favor 15 years too late

In a stroke of pure luck, perhaps even a sign of awakening from the metal gods, the Christian rock band Underoath decided to call it quits in 2013. That’s right, 2013 will be free of one less shitty group of jackoff’s.

Apparently, they announced this news to their Twitter and Facebook followers in October. I wouldn’t know because Tyranneous doesn't do Twitter. Also, I don’t give two shits about Underoath anyway and when I don’t hear anything about them I just assume they locked themselves in a monastery somewhere far away.

So let’s read what the band had to say about this glorious announcement, because fairness is what we’re all about, right?

“It’s sad to say that we feel like it’s time to close this chapter, but we have never seen things more clearly,” frontman Spencer Chamberlain said. “We love all of you and hope to see you again soon.”

Spencer Chamberlain telling his fans how much he loves them at some event somewhere.

 “This couldn’t be a more bittersweet moment for us,” keyboardist Chris Dudley said. “We have accomplished more, met more friends, seen more places and have just done more than we could have ever imagined, and we really wanted to just go out on the highest note possible. That’s why we have put together a group of great friends and musicians for what will be our final tour ever.”

Reading this press release from October makes me want to vomit. I wasn’t aware that the business was all about friendship and circle jerks. I also wasn’t aware that friends charged friends for albums and general admission ticket prices. It’s sad for me to say that I can’t make any more jokes at your expense. Wait, I still can? Cool.

They speak of their time in the biz as though they were on a mystical adventure. As though they were on …

Underoath, you're not Bilbo Baggins. It was not some journey or adventure. It was a well calculated career of screaming.

 You see, I didn’t realize that Underoath accomplished anything. Unless they mean they slightly deepened their pockets with their fellow Christian’s hard earned cash and a pedestal from which to preach the word of their god. It sounds like they just kind of forced themselves on us, like good Christians, raping our brains with words and messages that we didn’t want in the first place.

Speaking of rape and Christians, did you know that Chris Dudley is a youth pastor? Me neither until today. But I'm not implying anything. Blame the church for automatically connecting those dots. 

Oh, hey Chris Dudley, it's cool that you help kids and stuff.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Taking Forever to Produce Material (ha!)

If you hadn't seen them already (scroll down, mongoloid), I poked some fun at myself and my silence/lack of updates by posting a pair of bullshit "studio update" videos that showed some footage of my fat, faceless ass sitting in a chair doing little more than nothing while the world waited. I did this all in an attempt to open a conversation about metal artists and their surprisingly common inability to satisfy fans with new content or news regarding new content. Did you guys get the joke? Did you? No? Of course you didn't. None of you ever fucking get it. A good chunk of you delete your Facebooks, clear out your iPods and break up with your girlfriends based off my stupid advice. You're a bunch of retards, all according to plan.

I'm glad you're dumb. Leave the smarts to the false. You're here to learn about metal, or rather, continue along with your very basic understanding of metal. Metal being a tried and true musical formula that has been dumbed down over generations into something simple to write and produce in a short time. As metal elitists, we only really like one riff anyway. It might be arranged a little differently, but it's all the same shit. It's sort of like pizza. There's an art to it, but at it's core, it's just dough and sauce and cheese, and really any jerkoff can just make pizza. You can put as many unusual toppings on this pizza as you want, in the form of say; synth or folk instrumentals, perhaps. It can be phenomenal, it can be so-so, it can be an abomination. Yet pizza is pizza and it's hard to really fuck up; since pizza in concept alone is just so great and better than any other food. As much as I hate bad metal, just as I do bad pizza, even the worst pizza is still better than the best tofu dish. Fuck tofu. If you like tofu, leave.

Little Ceasers and Dimmu Borgir. Two perfect examples of shitty pizza.

So when I'm told over the phone that my pizza is going to be ready for me to pick up and eat in 20 minutes, but instead it takes the guys in the kitchen eight years to get me only half of my fucking pie, forgive me for getting a little annoyed. 

You're just making pizza here, so what's the fucking hold-up?