Thursday, August 15, 2013

Random Things I'll Negatively Review Instead of Super Collider

Everybody's a critic

When Megadeth -- thrash titans of Big Three fame -- released their fourteenth studio album, Super Collider, the internet couldn't band together to hate it fast enough. After gaining themselves some barely listenable momentum with End Game and Th1rt3en, expectations were particularly "high" for Megadeth's next big release. Unfortunately, those hopes were soundly dashed when the band started releasing singles from the album back in late April. These two songs, Super Collider and Kingmaker, accurately set the rest of the album up as the inevitable dad rock dump that it totally was.

People were quick to voice their disappointment, and upon hearing Super Collider myself, I confirmed that they had every right to. This wasn't a very good album. This wasn't even an okay album. Outside of some very occasional high notes, this was a pretty bad album. It's not really the end of the world like some critics are making it out to be; it had some decent guitar work, and some stylistic throwbacks to a younger Megadeth, but the compliments end there. Super Collider, like several of the band's studio endeavors before it, shall be tossed callously into my mental bin of other underwhelming, shitty Megadeth albums. There, Super Collider will lay forgotten with the likes of Youthanasia, Cryptic Writings, Risk, The World Needs a Hero... The System has Failed... ... United Abominations... ... most of the songs off of Countdown...

Wait, tell me how we all got so fucking disappointed again?

When you're standing eagerly behind a shit factory like Dave Mustaine, waiting to see what comes out the other end, you only have yourself to blame when you're expecting a gold bar to plop out and feel foiled by the steaming, fiberful result. End Game and Th1rt3een were pleasant surprises among years of waste. You shouldn't be evaluating how much Super Collider upset you as a Megadeth fan, so much as you should be evaluating why exactly you're still a fucking Megadeth fan.

Get ready boys! Here comes another one! HRRRNGH...
Regardless, people still managed to get upset with this album, and music critics let their criticisms run amok. It was just too easy to pick on; too easy to climb onto the bandwagon of openly hating it so much. In fact, most reviews of Super Collider aren't really so much a deconstruction of the music as they are just creative ways to call something shitty. A concept I'm totally okay with, if not fond of, as I'm actually guilty of doing it right now. Quite frankly, I'm a little sick of all the Megadeth hate, and I'm not keen on the pressure to join in with the ranks of the foul-mouthing poseur majority. Instead, I'm going to review a couple other major disappointments in my life that have no relation to Megadeth. Outside of the fact that they suck big blemished boiled butt:

1. Peanut Butter & Chocolate Pop-Tarts

When you're a speed-shredding demon of mountainous metal mayhem like myself, you need to fuel the fires of your epic workday (or perpetual unemployment) with a complete, well-balanced breakfast. The all-American way to accomplish this, of course, is with essential nutrients like high-fructose corn syrup, monosodium glutamate, and various amounts of other chemical compound shit you can't even hope to pronounce accurately. Kellogg's Pop-Tarts were an excellent way to ensure that you started the morning off right with a questionably preservative-ridden candy pastry, and for years they just kept getting better. Several years ago, Kellogg's completely changed the breakfast game forever with their introduction of the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tart; a sugary cream-filled, chocolate breakfast pastry that Kellogg's recommended you tried eating frozen. You heard me right, you stupid clown. We as a nation sat in stunned silence when we were all advised by a multi-billion dollar corporation to put a toaster pastry in the fucking freezer. With the laws of my reality soundly shattered, I ripped a hole into the time and space of that moist, cold ass chocolaty-vanilla goodness, and the mouthgasm I experienced made me punch the freezer and open-mouthed howl like a stiff-n-ready mountain gorilla. The processed goodness was paramount. The intensity of sweet flavor unworldly. I left my wife just to make sure I would always get to eat it for dinner without debate.

An artistic rendition of me and what used to be my fridge.
So it was easy to say I had incredibly high expectations for Pop-Tarts' latest endeavor: Chocolate and Peanut Butter. What I expected was a perfect combination of the greatest breakfast food, Pop-Tarts, and the greatest every-other-time meal, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Unlike anything Dave Mustaine touches, there was practically no way this could be fucked up. Yet Kellogg's got smug in their accidental glory, and they totally ruined what was supposed to and expected to be the greatest morning meal of all time. Upon opening the package, I was met with a dry, crumbly, unevenly frosted pile of processed shit that no amount of toasting or freezing could repair. Every bite evaporated my mouth into a desert of bland taste. The chocolate flavor of the pastry was weak, the peanut butter was an oversalted shit injection. To add insult to injury, they packed the box with only three packages of two instead of the usual four. So now I don't even get to eat as many Pop-Tarts as I normally would on my Monday drive in to work.  I've never been so let down in all my life by my breakfast. So ashamed of considering myself at one point a Pop-Tarts fan, I now skip the most important meal of the day entirely. Thanks for worsening my already shitty metabolism, Kellunts. 


2. Giant Pandas as a Species

Do you know when we as human beings are going to evolve to the next level? When we fully accept our role as the world's most dominant species and quit spending our time and resources coddling the world's worst. Natural selection decided to take a day off when it spared the Giant Panda of China. The only proper survival instinct this piece of shit animal has, is that it evolved to be considered adorable and pitiful by another, better animal species that contains too many nature scientists and bleeding heart pussies. That's it. The panda is the biggest freeloader of the ecosystem. Everything about this dumb shit suck animal would have doomed it to a well-deserved extinction decades ago. Their little bitch stomachs can only handle eating one freaking thing. When people cut down bamboo, the Panda does nothing but lay there whining about it, starving to death like a retard instead of eating all the other Chinese animals; like orange chickens or Peking ducks. 

Knock knock. Who's there? Bamboo. Bamboo-who? Quit your bitching.

Not only is the human race trying to help them out, but they have the audacity to not make it easy for us. They refuse to fuck each other when we try and hook them up, and when they do, they can only give birth to a single inch-worm sized baby at a time. A blind, skinless rat fetus that they reject because they're too fucking dumb to be good parents. It's like the welfare system of the wild. Yeah, I said it.

Mother nature did it right however, with her former panda-based creature, the red panda, a compact and cunning little raccoon-looking fucker, who maintains the full package as not only an animal that's adorable, but willing to give a damn about surviving. The red panda feeds not only on bamboo, but insects, small rodents, birds, eggs and whatever else it can fit in its toothy face to maintain a proper life-force. It too suffers from a dwindling population, but let's not pretend that everything on this planet that doesn't have opposable thumbs isn't facing its own Countdown to Extinction. But until then, keep it metal, you red cat bastards.


3. Traffic Jams 

Come on, Brenocide. Everybody hates traffic jams! Yeah? I'm going to jam my forehead into your crooked teeth you toilet scum licking worm pile. No one else has any right to complain about traffic jams on the highway, because everybody who drives in a traffic jam except me is doing it wrong. Most people who get frustrated trying to get through a traffic jam the way they usually do, deserve to be exactly as frustrated as a guy who's having a hard time opening his bedroom door knob with only his butt cheeks. What can I possibly mean? Only read the remainder of this article if you're willing to contribute to fixing the world:

First, let me summarize the attitude of every single person in a traffic jam: "Oh, traffic is starting to slow down. Wait, what's that in my lane? Somebody's back bumper? Perfect. Allow me to fuck it with my front one for the next ten miles." Enjoy smashing your brakes to avoid collision for approximately half an hour, you insolent turd. Because you know, you're never going to have to replace those or anything, right? Along with how unmetal someone can be, there is no limits to the average human being's stupidity behind the wheel. What everybody sitting in a traffic jam raging so hard, fails to realize, is that the blame for the traffic jam lies entirely on them. You, and everybody who drives just like you is 100% at fault for everybody being late for fucking work. 

Sure, sometimes it's reasonable to expect a delay. Let's say there's some road crew construction and they turn a four lane highway into a one-lane butt cavity that we all have to squeeze ourselves through. What else can you do except wait your turn? But in the case where say, there's an accident, and only one lane has been closed off in one little section of the road, there's no good reason we all have to sit there with our brake lights on like a bunch of retards. I don't care if it's 100 cars or 10,000 cars. If we didn't drive like a bunch of me-first self-centered toddlers, then the traffic jam would simply not occur. 

Let's consider things logically for a second, if you're capable. Let's say that traffic is starting to slow down just a bit due to an accident, and a single lane is blocked off. Oh damn, someone notify the local butt rock DJ, because traffic congestion is upon us! Now hypothetically, let's assume everybody was a genius like I am. If everybody during slow traffic maintained a large distance between each other, let's say, 10-15 even 20 car lengths between bumpers, then we can assume that everybody who has to exit the closed lane should be able to much more easily merge into the open lanes without screeching to a halt and sitting there pathetically with their blinker flashing, praying that there's a solitary empathetic soul on all the highway that would allow them to enter the open lanes of traffic. 

Seriously, stupid assholes are 90% the reason for traffic jams. Stop blaming construction, stop blaming the accidents. It's your inability to adapt and cooperate that deserves all the scrutiny. People in a closed lane, or a situation where they have to change lanes, have to come to a cold stop and force their way through, because nobody maintains any distance between each other and nobody's letting anybody merge. That means they're stuck in their lane, they're jamming themselves into your lane, and there's too many people swerving and cutting each other off, slamming on the brakes, and people sitting and waiting for the chance to change lanes that nobody thinks is fair to grant them. 

With the assistance of MSpaint, I'll give you an example of what a perfect world scenario would and should look like:

And here's what my 7:45am actually looks like:

So how can you prevent traffic congestion? Two words: Back off. If you notice everyone starting to slow down due to an obstruction in the road, closed lanes or just too many cars occupying the highway at a single time, then put as much distance between yourself and the car in front of you as physically possible. Someone wants to merge in front of you? 

Holy shit, take a fucking Xanax and let them go. 

This isn't the checkout line at your favorite Hot Topic. Nobody is CUTTING you, Motopsycho. How soon you arrive at your destination depends only on the consistent travelling speed of your own vehicle. It doesn't depend entirely on who is, or who is not directly in front of your vehicle. Do you honestly believe you're getting somewhere faster because you have closed a greater distance between yourself and the car right fucking in front of you? Do you even physics, guy? Get off each other's asses. Try it. You're not going anywhere anyway, so what's the harm in trying? Honest to god, I've actually fixed traffic jams completely by myself just by forcing a huge distance between my car and the one in front of me. I broke the blockage, because even that small break in traffic allowed enough people to change lanes in front of me so that everyone could start moving again.  

Move it or lose it baby.
I get two forms of satisfaction out of doing this. One being that I made the road a better place to drive with my infinite wisdom, and the other being the enjoyment I get from seeing the enraged antics of the driver behind me who's oblivious to why I'm not kissing the butthole of the car directly in front of me. There's no argument against what I'm suggesting. The more cars there are, the more distance you maintain to compensate so you can let more people through. You may have to go slower than 100mph, but you're fucking going at least.

3/10 -- Three points added for traffic jams, due to the increased likelihood of one of my typical comment-leavers getting in a fatal accident. 

Negatively review something that isn't Super Collider in the comments below. If you say "this blog" or "this post", I'll tickle your taints for being such clever lil scamps! ;-)

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