Wednesday, August 6, 2014


But does it thall?

So have you clowns been getting into this new fake metal craze "DJENT" all the buzzcut blue jeaners are talking about on the MySpace or whatever? I figured you were the best people to ask, since you're all such a bunch of fucking poseurs.

Djent is the latest craze hitting the nu metal scene. And by latest craze, I know I actually mean craze of probably 2009. Don't give me this shit about staying current or being way behind you iPhone tapping frauds. The only reason I'm even using this fucking internet crap is because Pagan Altar released a new album back in 2004 and I had to go Google how to steal it. I kept using the internet since, because I liked how easy it was to make fun of people on it for listening to over-produced flatulence like this:

BJOW BJOW. BYOW WOYW. Give me that guitar so I can teach you how to play your fucking self-respect back. Or just break it on your face. I have some wood you can chug on.

DJENT is a DJOKE. If Linkin Park was getting their start in 2011, I can pretty much guarantee they would be a fucking djent band. Which would be great, because that would mean Linkin Park would only have a couple hundred fans and not be making any money like the rest of these phonies.

Being 58 years old instead of actually 27, I've seen a lot of shitty sub-metal trends in my day. When glam rockers were pucker facing us square in our aching elitist prostates back in the glory days of hating everything, we didn't really think it could get any worse. I mean, it seemed downright fucking impossible. If somebody went back in time and told me back in 1987 that something worse than Poison was on its way, I would have literally shit my pants. Literally. I would have very easily and regularly shit my pants with little regard for what I was doing. Maybe even cried. That's how much something worse than Poison fucking scared me. It wasn't because I was a baby, you suspicious cock. It's because I was fucking there and I was being metal as hell about it.

Then came grunge. Then came nu-metal. Then came metalcore, and along with metalcore there was the dawn of high-speed internet. The internet was important here for two reasons. One; it was the pivotal point when radio and television completely gave up on staying current with new hard rock music, leaving the general rock-listening public, as dimwitted as they were, to define for themselves what was actually popular. And two; with the power of internet access, bands and musical genres could maintain an undying fanbase for years and years past a point when they would have otherwise been rendered irrelevant by the passage of time. So metalcore maintained, and it warped and grew into something worse every passing year. Bands experimented in the worst possible ways with the worst possible forms of musical gimmickry in order to stay ahead in a densely saturated market: Chug-chug breakdowns, inward oinky pig vocals, auto-tuning, electronica, obnoxious music-breaking time signatures and more bad hairstyles than glam could have ever hoped to achieve. Soon, metalcore wasn't just metalcore anymore. It had branched off to become its own separate musical superpower with its very own sub-genres and trend setters. Or at least that's my interpretation of modern "metal" music. Everybody might as well just be fucking Atreyu to me these days. 

Pictured above:  Who? No, no. That is definitely, definitely Atreyu.

So here we are in the year 2013 when I started writing this, and 2014 now that I'm posting it. Through a series of trends, changes, gimmicks, and an overuse of the word "experimental", metalcore has finally taken on its ultimate battle manga-esque form in the "genre" of "DJENT":

All of Djent summed up in a single photograph. (Power-level immeasurable.)
To understand how bad djent really is, we first must set our butt drives to maximum hurtz and time travel back to its riffy roots. In the mid 90's, some oppressively mediocre Swedish band from the late 80's called Meshuggah began rising in popularity among people with a misguided taste in music... And -- well -- that's really it. Some band that's musically 1/8th of a tick above Static-X on the acceptable metal scale, is the entire beginning and end of djent's sordid history. Every djent band that has ever rose to fame, owes literally every microcosmic iota of how shitty they sound to Meshuggah for that single, stupid fucking riff. That repetitive, simple, down-tuned, palm-muted sound of a handicapped duck taking an angry shit that is the core of every djent band's bullshit effort at producing music. In this sense, Meshuggah are pioneers; much in the same way that ape fuckers are the pioneers of AIDS.

It should come to no surprise to you that Meshuggah is my least favorite band ever. No, they're not my most hated, they're just my least favorite. It's like having a son who disappoints you and you love the least among your children. Like, imagine if you had a son who just thought Cloudkicker was the best thing he's ever heard. Your shame would be immense; yet you'd still feel enough of a fatherly sense of obligation to bail him out of jail for sodomy charges. Hahahaha, holy shit, wow, I didn't mean that. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that if I exhaust all the discographies of phenomenal metal music in my digital library that I downloaded illegally, I would listen to a Meshuggah song dead fucking last. I still haven't gotten there, yet. Me willingly listening to a Meshuggah album is more of a thought experiment at this point. I'm merely stating that it's physically possible within the confines of our natural universe. Sort of like light-speed travel, or me finally giving up on this blog.

HRRRRNNGH... *djent*

So why Meshuggah? Why go back in the annals of bad rock history to cop riffs from some dismissible nu-metal Limp BizKornKnot band?

Because DUB-STEP that's why.

Anyone who attempts to debate me on this automatically registers themselves for the upcoming fall semester at Stupid Cunt University. With the current popularity of wubby-wubbz noise makers like Skrillex and Dead-Mau-Five, djent riffs are the best way for basketball jersey wearing Gaugers to enjoy this new form of garbage bag music, while still maintaining their hard-earned edginess in front of their other ink-necked peers.

The djent riff is no less than the purposeful creation of dub-step by means of an electric guitar. 

Djent fans are essentially thumping digital beat lovers in denial. The fact that many popular djent bands prominently feature beepity-boopity computerized ambient electronic elements in their music doesn't make disputing this fact I'm presenting to you any easier. Meshuggah has unwittingly handed these tool tappers a method of making house music with guitar distortion:

"Hhhwwwwwhoooooooooooaaaaaaah". Fire a dual-barrel dick cannon into my fucking eyes. Shit spicy Indian food into my infected back zits with this runny putrid display of what someone could ever possibly consider a respectable musical effort. God damn it. So we now have established that DJENT = DUBSTEP, and as such should be avoided by a smart person. Here are some ways to easily classify a djent band so you can still hang out with your homies here in the KVLT KLVB:

How it sounds:

I don't know if any of you noticed, but I was going for the all-time world record of longest time it took for an article about "djent" to explain to you what "djent" really means. I would say a celebration was in order, if I didn't fully recognize how completely sad all of this was. Anyway, djent is an onomatopoeia for what this Messhuggah riff sounds like:

If black, baggy zipper pants could make music all on their own, it would sound just like that. As I mentioned before, the sound of a furious mallard ruining his back end and quacking out in agony as he rips a vicious dump right into a shallow pond. A special-needs bulldog with infected eye pus, two bum legs and its best decade behind it objecting loudly at its inevitable pentobarbital-assisted put down. The Cadbury Bunny bawking away in the world's least favorite Easter-time commercial.


It sounds to me less like "DJENT" and more like "BYOW BYOW tit BYOW titty BYOW BYOW". I'm not sure where they got the onomatopoeia for this, but then again, I don't know where they got "wham" and "bam" when Batman is punching people in the comics. Last time I punched somebody, it made a sound more like "pfek" and "owmyface".

It is an electric guitar sound engineered through proper distortion, mid-range levels, palm-muting, compression, down-tuning, and most important, playing technique. The very best way to achieve that coveted djent tone is to first and foremost, be an asshole. Once you've achieved that much, get yourself set up with a 7-string guitar, or even 8-string if you're a bona-fide djerk so you can get extra chunky low-end. That's right, internet. From this day forward I am stripping you dweebs of the self-appointed term "djentlemen" and instead, replacing it with the term "djerk". Because you suck and you need a title that properly conveys that. I have spoken.

There are a number of ways to properly pick your guitar in order to achieve that perfect djent tone. Most commonly, I see djenters on YouTube pinching their guitar pick like it's a cat turd and flapping their limp wrists down on their over-sized guitar strings like a bunch of mid-spasm window lickers. I however, find that the most appropriate playing technique is to acquire a long, floppy black dildo (available at a Guitar Center near you) and smack it square across your strings. Make sure that all 7 of your extra strings except your lowest low string are palm-muted (these are now useless) and you twist your wrist at just the right moment to get that perfect cock curl right across the body of your guitar. Any colored dildo should be okay, but black is preferable so as to honor the almighty Djesus of the Djenre:

Or if you ask me, you can skip out on all the technique, amp modelling, compressors, distortion, 7+ strings, and just rip ass directly into a microphone to achieve the same sound. This way you'll save yourself (your parents) some serious cash.

How djerks like to define their music:

If Tosin Abasi's get-up in the above photograph is any indication, djent-players fancy themselves some real artists, and particularly technical ones at that. We'll get to that in a second, but first let's look at some ways djent players like to label their band's sound, all while avoiding the only proper term for their form of music, which is still just fucking "djent":

Progressive: We can take the age-old journey through time and space to discuss how progressive music is constructed to weave a dramatic tale; the telling of an epic story though the beauty of song. But this is djent, and there is no beauty to be found here. Only waste. When a djent song is "progressive", that means 4 minutes of djenty garbage is artificially elongated with some fucking techno to an eye-twitching 7 minutes and 55 seconds. Maybe they might throw in a quiet twinkly part so the vocalist has a chance to croon out what he's going to sing in his soaring Britain's Got Talent audition.

Experimental: This is a pretty common label for a djent group, and by far the least accurate. It's completely fucking laughable that anyone who plays djent thinks they have the right to claim they are "experimenting" with anything. Unless of course the experiment here is how much you can be just like TesseracT and Periphery and Monuments and Animals as Leaders and Born of Osiris and Vildjharta and Architects and everybody else doing this exact shame shit. Experimental by definition is "using a new way of doing something".

Please explain to me the innovation in making Meshuggah's music all over again, you hacks.

Mathcore: Do you know what I learned in math class? How to jerk off in secret. Fuck math. I've wasted enough time of my life having some uptight bitch nagging me about how learning the Pythagorean theorem was important. I don't need some psuedo-intellectual super twats trying to feature obtuse angles in their fucking song structure. If you call yourselves "math metal", what that says to me, is that if you somehow actually manage to have an enjoyable groove going in any given song, it's going to be abruptly ended at 3/11th of a beat and switched to some fretboard mashing garbage in an effort to appear musically advanced. Don't let these dropouts fool you into thinking they're on some whole other level just because they listen to or play music that isn't put together right. All you guys do is chunk and widdly at random intervals so you and your fans can brag about how complex you are. Do you know where a complex night of binge drinking gets me? Diarrhea. Djent is the diarrhea of music.


The best metal songs ever written followed a proper rhythmic structure. 1-2-3-4-1-2-3-4  on its own is already fucking "math". It's not long division or calculus or trig but it works, and it's how we tap our toes and nod our heads. Doom metal is already better than everything, so enough already. So stop trying to do something different and wild with your distorted jazz music.  It's not like I'm
How blogs R written
2 Make Me Seem B-e-t-T-E-R at 1T.

If I wanted my blog to look like that, I'd be posting gifs with the rest of the fakes on tumblr. Fuck tumblr. Your music is djumblr.

Sharing gifs like some fucking fraud.

Ambient: Regardless of sub-genre, if we're talking about metal, this means noise. For you black metal fans out there, you'll recognize this as the type of music that just goes "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and you pretend to like anyway. Many lesser known djent bands refer to themselves as "ambient" because they don't really care how much their djenting comes together as real music. Even if you are low enough on the metal totem-pole to listen to djent, you should steer clear from anything that describes itself as "ambient" in your genre. You have enough suck in your playlist as it is, why bring more plague upon yourself? Ambient djent bands are often purely instrumental, and since the instrumentals is what specifically makes this genre so awful (the Backstreet Boy singers are optional), then an instrumental djent band is putting all that suck right at the foreground. Ambient instrumental djent music also has obnoxious song titles like "He would be riding on the subway or writing formulas on the blackboard or having a meal or (as now) sitting and talking to someone across a table, and it would envelop him like a soundless tsunami." That is the actual song title for just one Cloudkicker song. Other Cloudkicker titles follow this same formula of having too much garbage going on in them. That song would have just as easily been called "Soundless Tsunami" and the rest of that shit could have just been easily been incorporated in the song as lyrics if he wanted to tell us a fucking story so bad.

What djerks write about in their lyrics:

Spacial architecture
Spacial architecture in my miiiiind
Planets Colliding
Super novas
Spirituality (but not Christian music cuz that's gay)

Looking within
Mind over Matter
Matter over Mind
Matt and his Mind
Mental artifacts
Robotics and stuff
Other forms of Genesis that may or may not feature Phil Collins 
The Sky, looking to it, etc.
Some other stuff they learned about watching a TV special about more space

Space artifacts
Chemical structure
Sequences. Whatever sequence. DNA sequence? Some sequence.
Chemical space structure artifact sequence architects in my miiiind's genesis
My girlfriend broke up with me and I'm conveying my feelings by singing about space.

Now, I'm gonna try to swiftly get off the topic of how music works and is composed because as you can clearly tell, I don't know dick about it. Sorry, I work for a living. So now presenting the worst thing that you've ever heard:

Fuck me in the ass and face. I'd rather be shot in the stomach and go septic than listen to anymore of this unforgivable dog shit. I'd rather be shot in the stomach and then have a stray, worms-ridden dog shit in my open, septic, festering wound, because I would be more welcoming to that dog shit than this dog shit. See, djent goes far beyond the eight or nine major acts that got together to figure out how they could all keep producing the same music. Do you remember when I was referring to metalcore as its own whole new musical superpower? Well, djent has grown so large and so fearsome, that it too is taking on a similar status all on its own. The above example is described as "nu-djent". It's like 1998 rap metal, but with the worst kind of metal and then again accompanied by the world famous worst kind of music.

People are doing lots of things with this djent crap. The majority of djent players in the community are a bunch of messy bedroom dwellers showing people the proper playing technique on YouTube, or arguing about whether or not you need more strings to djent properly on If they're not doing that, they're covering shitty songs online with their obnoxious playing style. More often than not, these songs are already dub-step. I have no way of conveying how extremely redundant I find that, other than just posting a video of it happening. Watch and be amazed.

Bask in the light of solid proof as to djent's dub-steppy musical intentions:

"No need to put shoes on, I've accomplished everything I set out to do today."

This is like dub-step over dub step. This is like double dub-step. This is double-step. 

With all of djents inherent shittiness in mind, are guys like Tosin Abasi and Misha Mansoor bad guitarists? No, they're not. In their own right, they're incredible musicians. If you somehow manage to sit through an Animals as Leaders or Periphery album, there's no way you're gonna be able to deny their chops as players. They deserve every free multi-colored piece of shit that Ibanez ever sent their way. But do you know who else is a good guitarist? Synester Gates. It doesn't change the fact that he's using his ability to play the worst music this side of the planet. You could be the best guitarist in the world, and all you're doing is selling yourself short by playing any of this trendy garbage. Both of these guys are continuously hawked as the greatest modern metal guitarists of our era. So much so that even John Petrucci references them when discussing his latest inspiration. Where the fuck is Frederik Thordendal's piece of credit pie in all this?

Pictured above: Probably not Frederik Thordendal
As technical as these bands like to present themselves and as capable as their guitarists may be, the core sound that really sells djent to the superdweebs that listen to it is mind-numbingly simple. Once you figure out just the right way to tune, distort and smack on your lowest string, you're pretty much fucking golden as far as the entire djenre goes. Case in point, this gauger that attached a single guitar string and an EMG pickup to a big long wooden plank:

You can watch the whole five minutes of the video if you really feel obligated to, but rest assured, you're getting the gist at the 1-minute mark. I don't know what purpose this kid had in constructing this "djent-stick", but the conclusion remains the same: djent music is low level bullshit. The riff he's playing with what he has on hand is completely passable as far as the entire genre goes. This is djent music in its purest form. The video lays bare the ridiculousness of djent guitarists purchasing these different guitars featuring so many strings when he performs the style they covet with merely one. 

Yes, djent has guitar solos. Yes, djent music can feature complex melodies. Yes, djent guitarist have been known to occasionally pluck another string somewhere, thank you so much for your teenage-level fucking rebuttal of "nut-uh". That's not the point. The point is that djent's main riff, it's defining characteristic, it's very namesake is a playing method that is boring, simple, monotonous, and now painfully overplayed. It's a musical trend, a gimmick, it's done completely on purpose, and it's the best way to get your band categorized and forgotten. Quit riding on the coattails of the latest metal fad and figure some music out for yourself. Every djenter deserves to have Thor shit a lightning bolt square into their unmetal little fake fucking poseur vagina mouth. Go take your boring shit back to the realm of electronica where it belongs and keep your pasty little girl hands off my instruments and my genre. Cunts.

Hail and kill fucking forever. Burn the fake poseur infidels and fist bump Oden so goddamn hard he has to fucking shake off the pain of his godly wrist a little as he nods towards you with mad respect for how epicly hard you fist bump. Ride your steel horse with black wind fire and steel straight into the homes of falsies and lead boot their dads in the sack for raising their puss kids to like and make shit music. Fuck them forever. Never give up the good fight. Spend every waking moment of your true metal life telling every faker on YouTube, Twitter, Facebook and all corners of the internet that his or her opinion is lesser than yours in the realm of pure metal. They are and forever will be a bunch nobodies who like music that sucks. Cleave their hearts with your words. Shove your fists square in the air and release your index and pinky finger so retarded hard and fast that the bones in your hands crack like a bolt in the sky upon release. Swing your mighty dragons mane with neck snapping fervor unapologetically into the fairy faces of unmetal wusscakes who made the mistake of standing within 6 feet of your Rapunzel-length majesty. Never apologize even for a fucking second about being the truest most metal, baddest of brutal asses that ever stomped upon this weak, dying planet.

Did that lift you and your metal spirits? Too bad, it was a joke. You're a fucking poseur if you're not me. 

Leave the Hall.

-- Brenocide \,,/

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