Sunday, August 28, 2011

The "Metal Expert"

A photo of a metalhead with glasses and a smug look on his face. Exactly what I was looking for.
You have this friend. Yes, you totally do. Even though we have covered how unmetal it is to accompany yourself with other people, you still manage to find yourself hanging around a guy that's exactly like this, often enough to secretly and severely hate him. If you're a metal fan who seeks out and appreciates the company of other metal fans, then finding yourself in the midst of one of these human losers and hating every second of it is practically unavoidable. The only creature capable of sucking all traces of joy from the most enjoyable genre of music in existence, the self-proclaimed "metal expert" puts himself on this advanced tier, high above everyone else on the heavy metal ladder. There, he resides in seclusion, within his very own ivory tower of "never fucking getting it."

Metal experts are easy to identify in a social setting. Once you start speaking with one, you'll immediately recognize the fact that they have gone through all of life with this severe misconception that "the more you know about metal, the more metal you are." Due to their delusions regarding how one should appreciate music, they spend the majority of their spare time (which they have in massive surplus), on the Internet, researching as many different bands from as many different genres and generations of heavy metal music as humanly possible. They fill what would otherwise be a completely empty head with a vast amount of knowledge regarding bands and music that nobody's heard of and nobody cares about, all in the effort to look smarter and more cultured than the next metalhead. For you see, this is the metal expert's only goal in life; to fool you into thinking that he is better than you are and better than everybody else. It is however, an incredible farce. There is literally nobody worse or less metal than this person. Nobody.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Metal Child Destined to Destroy the Future of Metal

Greetings,

Tony Ă–sterlund is a well known roadie in Finland touring with many of Finnland's finest bands including Hevisaurus... However, even more well known is his son Rony, who he parades around like a dog that can sing and dance to some Mexican mariachi tune. Yes we are talking about young Rony Ă–sterlund; the apparent "metal messiah" that was foretold around the world to be the future metal god and savior of n00bs.



(Left: Shagrath showing more love for the kid than his own possible soon to be "son" Weston Cage.)

















All over the web you find kids gawking "He shreds with Lexi for CoB... I want my kid to do dat!" or "That's how I am gonna raise my kid, let him listen to metal from day one!" Now, I am not going to sit here and blab like I am from Child Protective Services or some shit, however, what I am going to do is point out some "awkward moments" this kid is forced into and will most likely regret when he is older. You know, like skeletons in the closet- except everyone knows about them because your genius father made you a facebook page for everyone to see and included photo albums.

In fact, lets look at the blurb on his FB page:

"7 year old metal head from Finland. I like to hang around with metal/rock bands. I know at it's hard to believe at like it... but if you have meet me you know at i'n my veins flows metalblood."

Yeah ok DAD... That doesn't seem forced at all... In fact I wonder if the dad actually wrote that himself while drunk to emulate a child's form of writing.

Moving along, here we have a mind numbing video of Rony pretending to play guitar to shit-metal band Children of Bodom. Make sure to put it on MUTE or turn your speakers off before viewing. It's also worth pointing out that Rony seems to be watching his fathers instructions on how to jump around like a nu-metal clown by throwing his arms aimlessly in the air. His father's hand is even visible at the 00:25 mark giving instructions... Smooth.



Because Finland is a country that is governed by metal, shit like this, I am told, is perfectly acceptable. So since this kid's life is presented to the world, I have gathered some noteworthy pictures and decided to give my supreme elitist views on them.

Time to take a trip down Metal Memory (fuck-up) lane....




(Left: Tony-confused by Lexi's eyeliner, accidentally fucks up the metal horns...)















(Left: The second Dee Snyder laid his filthy glam-hands on this kid, he was doomed)







(Left: One of those awkward "don't show my friends that picture dad!!!" type of moments with Wintersun- a band that time has forgotten, and a band I could give a mangy rats ass about)








(Left: Possible first run-in with the law... The officers are most likely questioning why a kid is wandering around a metal venue full of half-naked/drug addicted drunkards, by himself)













(Left: Running the "Black Metal 10K". An event only held in Finland of course)












(Left: On stage with some band that isn't Horna, Ettenmoor, Behexen, or Sargeist, so it does not really matter who the fuck they really are)









(Left: Congratulations kid... You got to meet the worlds biggest asshole.)










In closing I end up feeling sorry for young Rony... Usually I spit on the image of youth in the metal scene, but I feel Rony is just the product of some demented metal nightmare. However his raging fan base tends to think otherwise. So have fun with your future metal messiah... I will be busy alphabetizing my vinyl...

Stay tuned to the ABME page as a Women in Black Metal III will be ready to be revealed soon. Also what to do when you hire a "second wave vocalist" who currently acts like a retard to be in your third wave underground band. Not to mention news on ABME expanding, hate mail, and much much more... all of course when I get around to posting it.



Regards,
ABME

The END...












(meanwhile... somewhere in Mexico....)


























...or is it???!

Monday, August 22, 2011

You're Not Supposed To Get Stoned Before You Write...

Oops.

But you see, as I sat upon the highest cliffs of this moonlit valley, beneath diamond-esque stars that soared and fell through the dark blue of the night sky, incinerating and inhaling only the dankest of dragon herbs, a bolt of lightning was thrown at me from the heavens, striking the top of my head and supercharging me with a surge of electricity through my metal and metal-filled veins, all the way into my brain.
Ok, actually that happens a lot and the results are pretty uninspired, and my guess is that this is really no exception. But here's what I just realized: You all think that you know good metal, and some of you do, but what I just realized is that everyone hears a shitty version of a good genre, and decides that either they like it or they don't. Now, the ones that DO like it are content with liking terrible music because it's what got them into the genre. It doesn't matter how you start listening to metal, you are expected to know what is acceptable to listen to and what is not. When you're starting out you can be forgiven for mistakes but don't you DARE be over 13 years old and listen to Black Veil Brides.
However, the other situation is that they hear it and decide they hate it, so every band that sounds even remotely like this one sucks and/or is gay. Also incorrect. Technical Death Metal is not false metal provided the music doesn't misrepresent metal as THE GREATEST GENRE OF MUSIC EVER.

Here's an example of BAD TECH DEATH:

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Homophobia


[Disclaimer: this is written without personal bias. I’m not gay, and for a long time didn’t feel the issue was even worth addressing. But as more and more readers try and resort to the “ur gay” comeback, I’ve decided to just explain why being gay is better than being them.]


Your eyes do not deceive you, homophobia is officially unmetal. Why, you ask? Well, glossing over the fact that not knowing the answer already makes you false, there are several reasons. Let’s go ahead and explore them.

We’ll start with the obvious: Rob Halford, one of the most important figures in metal, the reason your favorite obscure black metal band thinks leather and studs are so cool, is gay. Does this make Judas Priest unmetal? No, it just makes homosexual tubo-lovin’ more metal than heterosexual overcompensation for what has to be a 3 inch penis.

Compare:

Contrast:

But I don’t need to bore you with talk of Judas Priest (not that talk of Judas Priest should EVER be boring to you), let’s get deeper into why homophobia isn’t metal.

You’ve heard of Gaahl right? How about Euronymous? Both of them liked dudes. I’m not a big Gaahl fan but he pulls off the creepy black metal weirdo better than anyone else popular enough to get interviewed. Euronymous was largely responsible for pioneering what we refer to as black metal nowadays. Now, does the name Kirk Hammett ring a bell to you? You know he’s married with kids? And yet, way more of a fag than either of the previous two mentions.

But alright, enough beating around the bush, there’s far more to why it’s not metal.

Let’s break down (EW!) the word homophobia. Technically it sounds like an irrational fear of humans, contextually formatted to mean an irrational fear of gays. I’m not scared of anyone, because my trv metal superiority will protect me from any harm someone less metal attempts to inflict on me. Of course you’re saying, “But Xandemic, that isn’t what homophobia means. It’s supposed to mean fear of BECOMING gay.” Which I know and can answer like this: first off, you’re really strong willed if hanging out with a bunch of gay dudes is all it takes to get you to switch teams. If that happens to you then nobody wants you being straight anyway. Secondly, how would you even know? Do you feel an attraction to another man? REALLY. That sounds a lot like you desire sex with someone. Smells like poser all of a sudden. Allow me to remind you and everyone else that sex is not metal, so therefore you shouldn’t even notice your orientation, because you should be too busy being metal.

But here’s something nobody’s really talked about even though we should all be fucking aware of it, if you think being gay makes someone less manly (or whatever), watch the movie 300.

“But Xandemic, they weren’t gay in 300!” Yes they were, maybe not full-on “I can’t do the vagina thing” gay, but dudefuckers all the same. It might not have been shown, but homosexuality was a staple of the warrior’s life in Sparta. 300 was Hollywood making a movie about a comic book loosely based on an army of dudes that fucked each other on the reg. Before I had achieved trv metal enlightenment, I used to think that made them less cool. But let’s take a look at this:


So there you have it; Manowar is to metal what Spartans are to warfare. You’re not about to call Manowar unmetal, are you? Didn’t think so.

If that’s not enough, let’s look at some famous examples of people that are outspokenly homophobic:

They all look a lot like Darth Sidious. I guess that's kinda metal, right? No?

So, let’s review.

1, Rob Halford is gay and more metal than any of your favorite tuffguy brocore chugalug “I get laid all the time and can prove it because I write deathcore songs about it” bands.

2, Euronymous and Gaahl are/were also gay, and yet far less faggy than anyone in The Big 4.

3, Fearing anyone is not metal. Wanting to have sex with anyone is not metal. Since those are basically the only bases of homophobia, it makes homophobia unmetal.

4, The 300 Spartans all did gay shit all the time. But they’re the ones that look the most like Manowar. (Not to mention the fact that Iron Maiden never wrote a song called "Bill O'Reilly")

5, Many of metal’s biggest adversaries are fundamentalist Christians and therefore homophobic. Fred Phelps is the guy that hates gays more than anyone else, and he’s also the guy that decided to fly down to LA from Kansas to protest Ronnie James Dio’s funeral. The enemy of Fred Phelps is your friend.

Now that we’ve gotten that out there, it’s time for a new rule: fag no longer refers to someone that likes cock. It now means someone that likes bad music. In other words, some of you are probably gay, and many of you are definitely fags, but the two no longer have anything to do with each other.

Have a nice day, fags.

EDIT: Nothing is more shameful than admitting you're wrong. But I guess I actually did get my facts fucked up. It seems that the Spartans were the only Greeks not into man-on-man penetration (according to wikipedia at least). Whatever though, Alexander the Great > Leonidas anyway. Research that one, bitches.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Why Do People Still Care About The Big 4?

If you don’t live under a rock, you should probably already know that The Big 4 are set to play a once in a lifetime show at Yankee Stadium in September. It will be something that the attendees can tell their grandkids about. Like when Zeppelin reformed for that one off show in ’05, or like Elvis’ ’68 comeback special, it will be one of those events you just had to be there for. You could be one of the select few people who saw the Big 4 perform together on the East Coast... or the West Coast or in Germany, or Sweden, or Italy, or England, or France...


Super exclusive, one time only.

What’s that? There are rumours of an Australasian tour too? Oh... well... hrmmm. I guess if you miss out on this one, you can always wait till they come around next summer or whatever.

Now, I was under the impression that a once in a lifetime event was just that, something that occurs once. I know that this is the “me” generation, and you’ve all got to have your slice of the pie, but these shows lose more of their impact every time a new one is announced. What’s so special about seeing the Big 4 after they’ve played every other arena in every other city? Surely there’s a limit to the patience of even the most diehard fans willing to pay the outrageous ticket prices. How can you justify to yourself shelling out upwards of $200 to go see what is essentially a bunch of bands way past their prime cash in on their legacy?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Q&A V

This picture doesn't really have anything to do with anything. It doesn't have to, fool. THIS IS TRUE METAL Q&A.
You worms. So ignorant are you in the workings of true, glorious Heavy Metal majesty that of course you would beseech me of my inarguably divine advice in the ways of unbridled Metaldom. Sniveling weak fools, you be! How often must I turn to glance upon you and take pity on your fragile, pathetic existence to bestow upon you the greatest knowledge a man could ever hope to acquire? Can you even handle such complex theories? Is any of this even within your natural human comprehension? How quaint and whimsical I find your futile journey towards what you consider to be a true metal status. You have barely scratched the surface, my friends. The task of true metal redemption is a long and arduous one, with many obstacles, hardships, and especially temptations that will lead you astray. Nevertheless, I admire your ambition, and commend you for standing strong in the face of all that is false metal. To reward your efforts, I shall allow you to drink from the steel chalice of true metal enlightenment once again. This is the Fifth That's Not Metal Q&A, and it's going to rip your fucking face in half and pour lemon juice on your exposed muscle tissue before proceeding to set it ablaze.

And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? Cain answered "I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?" If the bible was real, which it's not, this would be the first time a man asked a question of God. In an extremely similar situation, here is the first question a reader is asking of me in this particular Q&A...

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

When There Wasn't Enough Metal on a Page Called "THAT'S NOT METAL" PART 2


As an elitist, it's only natural for me to stand atop an ivory pillar of pure metal might, that I myself have built miles above the heads of the rest of you pathetic mongrels. An opinion that is voiced on, in, near, around or about this blog that is not of my own, deserves about as much of a second thought from me as the sound of my turds kerplunking into a toilet bowl fortunate enough to be graced with the presence of my butt cheeks and lingering shit musk. It's no use, fools; I have the higher ground. I leave comments for my blog open under my posts, because I like to see my opinion presented exactly where it should be: standing high above a festering cesspool of border-line retarded complaints and undeniable butthurt. Without the assistance of sticky notes on your computer screen, your grammatically incorrect tirades will always literally find themselves beneath me.

Yet along with being the highest elite of the metal elite, I am also a philanthropist. I care about people, no matter how downtrodden and unmetal they may be. Just a moment ago, I squashed a fly beneath my thumb. He was so small, weak, stupid, insignificant and lived this life so void of reason or purpose, that I was instantly reminded of you guys, and I wanted to thank you all for the support! To show you my appreciation, I will continue your ongoing metal education with another post about metal bands I think are okay, as opposed to suck monkey taint.

Friday, August 5, 2011

5FDP Releases Homage to Capitalism; No One Is Shocked

So, I guess that some guy on Bloody-Disgusting.com talked to Zordon Bathwater or whatever his name is from unfortunate skid mark on heavy metal's underwear, 5 Finger Death Punch, about his latest insult to the true heavy metal spirit, NON-IRONICALLY entitled "American Capitalist."
"Bloody-Disgusting.com: Let's jump right into the new album, "American Capitalist", and, specifically, the title. What does it mean and how does it relate to the music?
Zoltan: First of all, we always liked the idea that the title could push a couple of buttons on top of being just a title. And I mean "pushing a button" as in we have something to say. Though it's definitely not a concept album, there is a definite theme that runs across the songs. I don't want to jump into analyzing the economy and politics and the various fields of social sciences, but it's kind of connected to the songs in a way that America adopted a form of capitalism that is very close to nature. Nature is pretty cool in that the way it works is that the strong kills the weak and it's a circle of life and we dig that theme. We placed that in today's society. We're living in a concrete jungle, you know what I mean? You have to go and "hunt," so that you can make money. Even though the process changed, the fundamentals are still the same. So if the fundamentals are still the same, you pretty much, humans especially due to the intelligence we acquired, have to make conscious of whether you're going to be the zebra or whether you're going to join the lion pride and go out there a maul a motherfucker! [laughs] It's just what it is, you know?! And we get a lot of flak from people who say, "This is bro metal," or "This is tough-guy music." And you know what?! Yeah! It's like, "Fuck you! I don't play music for the pussies. It IS tough-guy music!" I like that we play to an audience that share this idea of survivalism. And this connects to the spirit of the champion. You get the fuck up and fight one more round, no matter what! And that's what "American Capitalist" is about. I can definitely speak about this because I came to this country with my guitar on my back and nothing in my pocket. I came from absolute zero and kind of made it. I look at my singer who was a foster child. My guitarist was adopted after being found in the streets in some garbage. Every single member of this band came and fought for it."

So, if you've ever wondered what type of metal band benefits most from American Capitalism,

Look no further.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Temple Of The Black Moon: An In-Depth Analysis Brought To You By ABME

"...Imagine a cauldron bubbling over with the unsavory flavors of Tool and Celtic Frost, and seasoned with the likes of Immortal and At The Gates, and you'd be about halfway to describing the uncouth racket these guys have spat upon an unsuspecting planet."


Greetings...

Those are the words spoken from the new up and coming "super group" TEMPLE OF THE BLACK MOON featuring none other than Dani Filth. Dani- as we all know and fear has recently joined forces with The Artist Formally Known as King to put out an album that is not only a direct assault on black metal, but the entire metal genre as we know it. In fact, a post like this is so "un-black metal" I could not even ponder the idea of posting it on my own page.

Rumored about a month or two ago, Dani and King got together to discuss a very important topic... one that has been plaguing them for years now.

The topic at hand?

"How much it sucks being known as international metal clowns".

Unlike Dani, King does not have a bunch of screaming goth girls to boost his confidence and after being the butt of many Gorgoroth lawsuit jokes- the rage must have built up. Dani also having issues with the metal scene laughing at his ever receding hair line and height, felt the time for revenge was right. It was time to get payback on the unforgiving metal community.
It was time to form a
band... not just any band...
A BAND OF TOTAL VISUAL AND MUSICAL RETARDATION!!!




(Left: The original line up which featured an actual child to take away from the fact that Dani Filth is a midget)










This band would be considered a "super group" and would attack everything "true" to metal leaving only Cradle of Filth and Ov Hell fans left to roam the earth. However an attack on everything metal is a pretty daunting task... and we all know King is no stranger to falling on his ass after such feats. The two needed to fill in the gaps... they needed a complete band. Shagrath was rumored to play keyboards, but as we all know he is only capable of playing the same three to four notes in a row in repetition as heard on The Devils Path and Ragnarok's "Arising Realm" album. Dani then moved forward with taking current Cradle of Filth producer and worthless Anthrax fill-in Rob Caggiano to fulfill guitar duties. With time and inspiration running low, the three of them latter pulled John Tempesta's name out of a hat filled with random drummers. After John agreed, the band was set. The War on Everything Metal was at hand...

The band sent out their Grand Deceleration of War to the metal community via Myspace, but later realized no one uses that shitty website anymore and their message went unheard. They later got facebook/youtube/twitter accounts and restated their message; adding a demand for sleazy/easy women, cheap booze, a tour bus that shoots flames from the back tail pipe, and lots of money for rumored hair a restoration program.

The band further stated the reasoning behind why they chose such a stupid generic name:

"We had an innumerable amount of names that never seemed likely to stick, that was until we put our proverbial heads together and narrowed it down to just three or four, and then tossed for it (proverbially of course) using a silver Norwegian crown (we couldn't find any proper money). The name Temple Of The Black Moon represents the rigorous worship of desire, (the black moon astrologically has always held association with the dark Goddess Lilith) and of course the ramifications of the lunar eclipse, always a herald for death and ill-omen."

Now I know a lot of you cannot speak the nu-metal language that is associated with anything regarding Cradle of Filth, so I ran that last paragraph through my ABME Elitist Speak Translator (ABME:E.S.T.) and provided a translation below. Yeah, you're welcome.

Translation:
We couldn't figure out which name to choose because they all looked retarded. Rob's submissions were nothing more than band names that had already been taken such as Machine Head and Emperor. It did not help either that King lied to us about being able to read. His illiteracy became apparent when he was unable to decipher the differences between the list of names on paper as he spent an hour just staring at it making low grunting noises every 10 minutes
or so. We called him out when he finally pointed at the "Band Name List" title at the top of the paper and said that was his choice for the name. Essentially I (Dani) butted in and chose Temple of the Black Moon because the name sounds like some unused Cradle of Filth album title.








(Left: A fan made myspace "tribute" to this "super" group... Obviously made by a highschool aged girl)












Now lets take a second to dissect this "super group" member by member to see what is so "super" about it.

Dani Filth- Vocals: Best known for his receding hairline and dwarf-like appearance. The only member dumb enough to stay with Cradle of Filth since 1991. Also starred in a movie entitled Cradle of FEAR. The movie was allegedly banned in the UK for it's treatment of Dwarfs.

King- Bass: scorned ex-Gorgoroth member. Tried and failed miserably to take Gorgoroth from Infernus. Thrown out of the black metal scene in shame- only to join fellow clown Shagrath in forming Ov Hell. Still unable to understand the disgust coming from black metal fans, he then hammers the final nail into his musical career coffin by forming this band with Dani Filth.

John Tempesta- Drums: Random member of the band. Formerly of White Zombie. Currently in the cry baby goth band The Cult.

Rob Caggiano- Guitar: Known for being in Anthrax (post rap-metal era) while still unable to contribute any new and inspiring. Also known for producing some of the worst music known to man such as recent Cradle of Filth/Sahg/ill Nino nu-metal albums.






(Left:The bands target audience is estimated to be 95% overweight goth girls between the ages of 13 and 25.)






Despite all the brainwashed Hot Topic fan plea's; ABME predicts that this band will not be around too long. Remember the "black metal" super group Eibon? Of course you don't, but the band at one point or another featured Maniac, Fenriz, Satyr, Killjoy, and Phil Anselmo. Yep THAT Phil Anselmo from Pantera who has nothing to do with Black Metal. Turns out that due to Satyr causing some shit (most likely creative/money control issues), everyone left except for him. The band managed to put out one song and a few rough tracks before their demise. Twilight is another "super-group" that fell flat on its face. After putting out one mediocre (that is me being EXTREMELY nice) album, the band later reformed with a bunch of beardnecks and released a shitty disco album for their second release. If you ask me, Temple of the Black Moon's days are numbered.




(Left: Temple of the Black Moon need to take a note from "Super Group" history. Even if you do manage to make some music, it still is going to suck. Thankfully Eibon never took off.)



So with that said, the real choice comes down to you- the metal n00b. Will you run out to your local Hot Topic/Walmart and pick up the new Temple of the Black Moon album praising Dani Filth for his alleged "hotness" or King's "amazing musical capabilities"; or will ignore the embarrassing blackened slam-core release and give metal a fighting chance. I sure you hope you choose wisely...

Join me later on my page as we will be discussing interesting topics like Women in Black Metal III, weapons, Swedish black metal bands and much more!

Regards,
-ABME