The "Metal Expert"

A photo of a metalhead with glasses and a smug look on his face. Exactly what I was looking for.

You have this friend. Yes, you totally do. Even though we have covered how unmetal it is to accompany yourself with other people, you still manage to find yourself hanging around a guy that's exactly like this, often enough to secretly and severely hate him. If you're a metal fan who seeks out and appreciates the company of other metal fans, then finding yourself in the midst of one of these human losers and hating every second of it is practically unavoidable. The only creature capable of sucking all traces of joy from the most enjoyable genre of music in existence, the self-proclaimed "metal expert" puts himself on this advanced tier, high above everyone else on the heavy metal ladder. There, he resides in seclusion, within his very own ivory tower of "never fucking getting it."

Metal experts are easy to identify in a social setting. Once you start speaking with one, you'll immediately recognize the fact that they have gone through all of life with this severe misconception that "the more you know about metal, the more metal you are." Due to their delusions regarding how one should appreciate music, they spend the majority of their spare time (which they have in massive surplus), on the Internet, researching as many different bands from as many different genres and generations of heavy metal music as humanly possible. They fill what would otherwise be a completely empty head with a vast amount of knowledge regarding bands and music that nobody's heard of and nobody cares about, all in the effort to look smarter and more cultured than the next metalhead. For you see, this is the metal expert's only goal in life; to fool you into thinking that he is better than you are and better than everybody else. It is however, an incredible farce. There is literally nobody worse or less metal than this person. Nobody.



This isn't to say that I don't commend knowing a good deal about metal, trying to learn more about the genre, or finding some new bands to listen to; but as stated before, this is not the metal expert's mission. He is not to be confused with your typical metal elitist, who loves his genre and holds his musical taste to higher standards. The metal expert doesn't really care about his genre or the music he listens to whatsoever, so long as he knows more about it and listens to more of it than you do. He is not truly a fan so much as he is just a one-upsman by nature. It's not about being a fan to him, just this rough concept of being a "bigger fan", and what that means to him has been skewed by a variety of social disorders, learning disabilities, and an extremely apparent lack of self-esteem. Simply put, all a metal expert has going for him is that he "knows more" about metal than you do. Women find him repulsive, he can't keep friends because he's impossible to talk to, the bands he convinced himself to enjoy are either broken up or too underground to play a venue in his area, he can't hold a decent job, and he doesn't have enough money to play an instrument. His life is all but void of human interaction, purpose, or enjoyment. Indeed, the metal expert has found himself lost in a sea of his own douchebaggery, standing in a boat constructed of fuckfacedness with no paddle of modesty or logic to row him back to safety.

It is not hard to recognize when you have fallen victim to the metal expert's smug nature and one-sided conversation. Symptoms you may experience include, but are not limited to: irritability, nausea, general discomfort, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, lack of attention, alcoholism, and a hatred for what was once your favorite genre. Therefore, the thought process when listening to one of these suckholes sound off, would be something like "Christ this pissant is annoying, I think I'm gonna be sick. I gotta get outta here, but what if I can't? I'd probably kill myself... If I don't put a hammer through his face first. What the hell is he talking about now? I better swig more beer and nod, it's the only way to deal with this. I don't really listen to the same type of music as this turd eater do I?" 

Step 1. Take note of what band he has on his shirt.
Step 2. Never listen to that band again out of spite.

Aside from your inherent feelings of rage and disgust upon prolonged engagement, here are a few tell-tale phrases to watch out for, if you find yourself concerned with whether or not you are dealing with one of these evolutionary misfits:

"X Band isn't X Genre, they are XYZ Genre..." - Theses buttpipes are notorious for sparking genre debates, which we have already covered as one of the most unmetal conversations you can take part in. It really doesn't matter how said band is classified anywhere else on the planet. The only genre classification that matters to a metal expert is his own personal classification of a band's style, which he constructs from his own expert opinion. More often than not, it's a scattered mix of genre names smashed together in a juvenile attempt to explain a sound he doesn't actually understand. For instance, Dissection can't be just "black metal", or god forbid, just "Dissection". They have to be referred to as "blackened melodeath and roll", or you're else doing it wrong.

"Entry-level metal..." - The moment you hear this phrase, is the moment you can safely realize you're dealing with some smug cuntrag who doesn't actually know what the hell he is talking about, and can proceed to zone him out for eternity. If the band has decent studio production, a sufficient fan base, enough funds to perform live regularly, good music, and would be considered as overall influential, popular or enjoyable to listen to by the majority of metal fans, it's practically Fisher-Price to a metal expert. What's that? You still listen to Iron Maiden? Child's play. What about Vallenfyre? Pfft, didn't you hear that they just got signed?? The metal expert would much rather listen to obscure underground Eastern European deathgrind/black garage outfit #609,398 and all the poorly produced 7-inch EPs or LightScribed CD-R's they can churn out. These bands typically have piss-poor production quality, no grasp of musical skill or progression, are lyrically retarded, and are just overall aurally hideous to behold, relying on the guise of "ambience" to explain their heinous crimes against music. These types of underground-for-good-reason bands are appreciated by the metal expert usually for completely baseless reasons. He "really likes their drummer", since apparently our true metal Einstein over here defines a blatant overuse of blast beats as "totally insane". Remember kids: if you listen to music of substance or music that holds any significance in anyway to the metal genre, then you aren't as "musically advanced" as you should be.

"I've definitely heard of them/the name sounds familiar, but I don't remember what they sound like/it's been a long time since I've listened to them." - You have just mentioned a band name that the metal expert has never heard once in his entire fucking life, and he is trying to pass his complete ignorance of said band off as an inability to keep track of all the amazing bands he has listened to during his illustrious music-listening career. What makes this lie so much more powerful and bald-faced, is that while he is telling it to you, the metal expert is actively convincing himself of its basis in reality. For the moment he truly realizes that you know a band he doesn't, or that there's a slim possibility that there's something within the realm of metal that he is not fully aware of, his entire world comes crashing down. He sobs freakishly within himself, and his inherent feelings of inferiority start to violently emerge, tearing his soul asunder. He needs to know everything, and if he doesn't know everything, it's only because "he forgot" because he didn't think the band you brought up was worth remembering. Look, if you guys haven't heard of a band before, just say it. "I have no clue who they are." Is that so hard? Who gives a shit? It doesn't make you any less metal, and you'll make the day of the next guy introducing it to you. There's too many sweet ass metal bands to keep track of. Just accept it.

"You've probably never heard of them..." - I know you're convinced that you're a real big shot, Mr. Metal Encyclopedia, what with your 10,000+ bands listed on your last.fm profile and all. However, I will gladly be the first to admit to you, that nobody else's dick in the room is stiff except yours, at your barely impressive ability to know, as well as familiarize yourself with, the works of a couple hundred thousand underground extreme metal acts. It's like you're one of those borderline down syndrome idiot savants who can masterfully recreate a drawing of a city's skyline by staring at it for 12 seconds, hours later. Except you just know all about the band Moribund. 

BFD

"Aren't you glad I found that band?" - This is exclusive to those of you who have made the dreadful mistake of keeping one of these butt chewers as a companion.  Eternally full of himself in every way, shape and form, the metal expert will gladly (and continuously,) take full credit regarding all joy that any band he introduced to you has brought you within your lifetime. He will absolutely refuse to live it down, and act almost as if he were your musical savior at every chance he gets. Like you would be musically lost if it weren't for him and his superior opinion and vast knowledge of heavy metal music. This is one big way the metal expert reinforces his opinion of being a better metal fan than you, and is one of the several ways he's able to stave off his inescapable destiny of eventually eating a gun. It's clear to me you don't have any balls, otherwise you would have ditched the obnoxious chode hoser years ago. If you want to continue on the route of being a spineless dicksnot and letting this psuedo-intellectual butt stain walk all over you and your friends, then your only option if you want to avoid his constant gloating, is to pretend not to like any of the music he suggests. I don't care if you absolutely adore a band that he introduces you to. Listen to them with your headphones on a low volume, in your bedroom, in the dead of night, with your doors and windows locked. You can never be too careful about where, when or how he might show up, because he's insanely desperate for human interaction and acceptance. Make sure he never sets eyes on your playlist. If you're one of the pitiful creatures unfortunate enough to have a metal expert as a roommate? Kill yourself. If you got the guts, that is, worm. 


You can smash your Mötley Crüe albums, remove your lip rings and sew up your gauged ears, but unfortunately, Heavy Metal Redemption is simply beyond the grasp of these "metal experts". They suck that much, and they're too unmetal for their own good. They are just beyond any form of retribution that can bring them back to a true metal status. The way they show their appreciation of metal music is so false, so off base, so completely asinine that they are simply too far gone to be saved. The fact of the matter is, how many bands you listen to and how much you know about them means dick all in regards to how metal you truly are. If you don't get that now, you never will. You can't have anything related to a serious appreciation of a few great metal bands if you spend all your time pretending to love a billion bands that probably don't even matter.

Is there nothing that we on the side of true metal can do in the face of such antagonizers? Of course there is. If you're ever lucky enough to find one of these guys outside the internet, crack him in the jaw. Seriously, the moment you properly identify one of these hot-air bags, just punch him square in his fat-mouthed face. Maybe that's a bit unoriginal on my part, and definitely an extreme reaction, but what's the worst that could happen? You have to go to court for a few hearings? Maybe spend the night cooling off in jail? Pay his medical bills? I guarantee the satisfaction of making that smug face bleed will last you a lifetime and be well worth it. You definitely can't deny that any of them deserve as much. If you fear the consequences of said action, then invite him to a show and "accidentally" bust his face in the mosh pit. It really doesn't matter, I just want you to inflict some sort of harm to his person in anyway you can. Seriously. Do it for Odin or whatever.

Just take his glasses off first. We still have rules of engagement, and you can't hit a dude with glasses.

If violence isn't your style (change this), then introduce this dweeb to a serious dose of much needed honesty. Tell him upfront that he's full of shit, nobody cares what he thinks and nobody cares about how many metal bands he's familiar with or what genre he thinks these bands belong under. Tell him that he will never be happy with life or himself, and if he can't figure out how to quit being such an impossible tool, he should do himself and all of us a favor by finally ending that nightmare he calls an existence. In fact, just to be sure, you should tell every single person you ever meet this line of statements just in case they might be a "metal expert". Old Lady Churchoff might not seem like the metal listening type, but you're better off safe than sorry. Tell that ugly hag what for!

I realize that updates from me have been slow, but so are you, so I don't feel so bad about it. In the coming weeks you can look forward to a new concert etiquette Violation, as well as some album reviews of bands that you seriously dislike. Stay tuned! Or don't. 

- Brenocide \,,/