Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Metal Child Destined to Destroy the Future of Metal

Greetings,

Tony Österlund is a well known roadie in Finland touring with many of Finnland's finest bands including Hevisaurus... However, even more well known is his son Rony, who he parades around like a dog that can sing and dance to some Mexican mariachi tune. Yes we are talking about young Rony Österlund; the apparent "metal messiah" that was foretold around the world to be the future metal god and savior of n00bs.



(Left: Shagrath showing more love for the kid than his own possible soon to be "son" Weston Cage.)

















All over the web you find kids gawking "He shreds with Lexi for CoB... I want my kid to do dat!" or "That's how I am gonna raise my kid, let him listen to metal from day one!" Now, I am not going to sit here and blab like I am from Child Protective Services or some shit, however, what I am going to do is point out some "awkward moments" this kid is forced into and will most likely regret when he is older. You know, like skeletons in the closet- except everyone knows about them because your genius father made you a facebook page for everyone to see and included photo albums.

In fact, lets look at the blurb on his FB page:

"7 year old metal head from Finland. I like to hang around with metal/rock bands. I know at it's hard to believe at like it... but if you have meet me you know at i'n my veins flows metalblood."

Yeah ok DAD... That doesn't seem forced at all... In fact I wonder if the dad actually wrote that himself while drunk to emulate a child's form of writing.

Moving along, here we have a mind numbing video of Rony pretending to play guitar to shit-metal band Children of Bodom. Make sure to put it on MUTE or turn your speakers off before viewing. It's also worth pointing out that Rony seems to be watching his fathers instructions on how to jump around like a nu-metal clown by throwing his arms aimlessly in the air. His father's hand is even visible at the 00:25 mark giving instructions... Smooth.



Because Finland is a country that is governed by metal, shit like this, I am told, is perfectly acceptable. So since this kid's life is presented to the world, I have gathered some noteworthy pictures and decided to give my supreme elitist views on them.

Time to take a trip down Metal Memory (fuck-up) lane....




(Left: Tony-confused by Lexi's eyeliner, accidentally fucks up the metal horns...)















(Left: The second Dee Snyder laid his filthy glam-hands on this kid, he was doomed)







(Left: One of those awkward "don't show my friends that picture dad!!!" type of moments with Wintersun- a band that time has forgotten, and a band I could give a mangy rats ass about)








(Left: Possible first run-in with the law... The officers are most likely questioning why a kid is wandering around a metal venue full of half-naked/drug addicted drunkards, by himself)













(Left: Running the "Black Metal 10K". An event only held in Finland of course)












(Left: On stage with some band that isn't Horna, Ettenmoor, Behexen, or Sargeist, so it does not really matter who the fuck they really are)









(Left: Congratulations kid... You got to meet the worlds biggest asshole.)










In closing I end up feeling sorry for young Rony... Usually I spit on the image of youth in the metal scene, but I feel Rony is just the product of some demented metal nightmare. However his raging fan base tends to think otherwise. So have fun with your future metal messiah... I will be busy alphabetizing my vinyl...

Stay tuned to the ABME page as a Women in Black Metal III will be ready to be revealed soon. Also what to do when you hire a "second wave vocalist" who currently acts like a retard to be in your third wave underground band. Not to mention news on ABME expanding, hate mail, and much much more... all of course when I get around to posting it.



Regards,
ABME

The END...












(meanwhile... somewhere in Mexico....)


























...or is it???!

46 comments:

  1. Glad I stayed up till 4AM... that was funnier than the previous two posts combined... Fucking love the last pic with Ace from KISS... Met the guy just last year. "biggest asshole" is an understatement. I thought Gene Simmons would be the biggest asshole, but here comes Ace..

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  2. We're fucked.

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  3. The guys in the stadium and on concert are Turmion Kätilöt... True Metal or not, they're pretty legit!

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  4. I happen to know that kid, met him around the festivals alot. He actually does dig metal music, the musicians dig him and he did not need any instructions how to move like a fucking rockstar when he was on stage with Kiss and when he was on stage with Joe Lynn Turner. Oh did i mention he was 5 at that point?

    You are just fucking jealous coz you have never met any metalmusicians outside of meet and greets. bitch.

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  5. Mika you are just jealous that ABME has a blog people read and that he posts on That's Not Metal! You are jealous that he knows more about black metal than you so you have to try to bitch him out! bitch.

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  6. Okay, so if the band on the stage is Turmion Kätilöt, then they need to be killed. They wear corpsepaint and all the "regular" black metal attire, yet they sound even worse (as in even more industrial techno bullshit) than Rammstein.

    So I really hope that band on the stage isn't Turmion Kätilöt.

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  7. Thrash HARDER8/24/2011 10:46 AM

    Who the fuck would be "jealous" about meeting fuck ass Ace Fraley and that Twisted Sister fag? Not to mention a bunch of MTV hipster Finish metal bands... Get serious. Maybe if it were a buch of bad ass German/Brazilian thrash bands then maybe...

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  8. @Klaufi I'm 100% certain they are. They don't really look like a straight-up BM onstage though...
    As for the music, well, can't blame anyone for their taste in music...

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  9. Turmion kätilöt aint legit in any shape or form.

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  10. I know that kid! That kid cool... and you are "jealous". Or why you have all this information?

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  11. That poor kid looks absolutely terrified in the Dee Snider picture. I'm sure I would be too in that situation.

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  12. Listen Bitch8/24/2011 4:24 PM

    "I know that kid! That kid cool... and you are "jealous". Or why you have all this information?"

    Read ABME's FB page, and figure out for your idiot self why he did the article bitch.If you know the kid so well, then you should know the certain member of a band that "provoked" it. Do your homework bitch.

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  13. Typical Finish bullshit. That's is why we Norwegians try to separate ourselves from them and th Swedes.

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  14. seriously what is so bad about Alexi Laiho? Children of Bodom kicks ass. (fuck you haters)

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  15. HateCrewDeathRoll is a dumbass name8/24/2011 6:18 PM

    Obviously it was ABME who wrote the article dipshit. You are not going to find CoB/Alexi cocksucking from that end of TNM so don't be a retard. BTW CoB are lame.

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  16. Hysterical fucking article. Hail TABME!

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  17. Mr. Sinister8/24/2011 10:54 PM

    I am more worried about the Mexican kid than the Finnish kid...

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  18. Nice save with this article... the previous two on TNM (about gays and being stoned written by some other author) were kind of getting me worried. This on had me laughing my ass off. The "Asshole" Ace comment is dead on. Motherfucker wants $300+ to sign a guitar. Fuck off.

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  19. I know this kid, more important his "dad". Annoying father. The kid is cool, but damn that father... Funny article.. Seen it here in Finland, been going around on band members. Funny shit.

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  20. somehow I feel lucky being brought up knowing the ppl in bands like Hednigarna, Loituma, Ale Möller Band....etc

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  21. Funny article, alot better then the previous one.
    You should write more on this site, ending was hilarious!

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  22. I just hope that the kid kicks the bastard in the nuts. DAMMIT JARI WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE "TIME"

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  23. If you don't like Twisted Sister then go fuck yourself Brenocide..

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  24. @Mikkel-Brenocide didn't write the article you stupid piece of shit

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  25. Hahaha TNM has been featured in this kid's fan page

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  26. Ronys Dad are not annoying i know that. Whats the proplem if that kid have friends like KISS, Twisted Sister or COB members. You dont like those bands?

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  27. FUCK DEE SNYDER Up his SHEMALE ASS

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  28. Huumoria viesti ymmärrän ... lukea Henri Sorvali (Finntroll / Moonsorrow) sivu ... heheheh

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  29. Alexi should have died in his coma. Now we have dumbass kids who are part of the HATE CREW DEATHROLL what ever the fuck that is.... I am sure it is a Hot topic thing

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  30. If the kid actually got into metal on his own, or at least at a later age then I wouldn't see the problem. His douchebag dad is treating him like those kids who have parents parading them around at talent shows or beauty pageants. The kid is barely trained to use the shitter on his own and he's already some gimmick for his dad to use. Fucking pathetic.

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    1. "If the kid actually got into metal on his own or at least a later age...His douchebag dad is treating him like those kids who have parents parading them around at talent shows or beauty pageants."

      That's what is most troubling and disturbing. He's going to end up resenting his dad later on.

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  31. "Ronys Dad are not annoying i know that. Whats the proplem if that kid have friends like KISS, Twisted Sister or COB members. You dont like those bands?"

    Nobody with a pair of half decent ears likes those bands, man!

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  32. "Ronys Dad are not annoying i know that. Whats the proplem if that kid have friends like KISS, Twisted Sister or COB members. You dont like those bands?"

    Listen- I know you are probably from some country that has a heavy metal dinosaur band for kids, but learn some English for fuck sake.

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  33. kingcarcas13498/29/2011 2:56 AM

    Call child protective services, wtf? This is like those kids that come out in beauty pageants n shit, not cool. Don't force belief, non-belief, sports teams or music on your kid otherwise they will end up hating you.
    lol, i need to check out that dinosaur band, i heard of this band the "the rockats" and yes it is made up of cats.......only a matter of time until someone on youtube puts a death metal track over them. LOL Mike, anyone who goes to meet n greets is a pussy poser bitch in my book anyway, wanting to suck a fart out of your favorite metal dude players ass, fuckin weak. I'm surprised it hasn't been written about on here, just like the act of asking for autographs, metal or otherwise. Amen on Wintersun, when your band only releases one album, no matter how awesome it is, you still have to prove yourself so people need to shut the fuck up for about 5 years.

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  34. theripper18888/29/2011 6:28 AM

    i happen to think your all weak ass poseurs who are so ignorant you actually believe that any black metal band even the so called true ones are truly evil.no they dont live in secret caves in norway practicing human sacrifice or raping virgins and slitting their wombs open devouring the unborn child ok get over yourself.

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  35. Lurker of the Beyond8/29/2011 5:38 PM

    Man shut the fuck up. This article was not meant to bash the kid, but more so the questionable acts of his father. The kid looks like he can hardly talk and he is wearing eye liner and black nail polish with Dee Snyder. Give me a fucking break and stop defending "poor Rony" when that is not the case. Not surprising from a country that has a metal version of Barney.

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  36. ^^^ I agree with Lurker of the Beyond here.

    If the dad wants to teach his kid to appreciate and even play metal music since he's a kid- that's amazing, but he's indeed parading him around like the obsessive mothers that make their 5 year old girls wear more make up than a hooker and high heels for stupid child beauty pageants.
    I can see the kid having fun in a concert but I think he's too young to do more than moshing and headbanging with any kind of "metal" music. Which again is cute and all but I don't think the kid cares about, for example, taking photos with bands or running a facebook page. Probably what he knows is that acting like this makes his dad happy, so he does it.


    The bands the kid has been photographed with don't really matter here, that's not the point!

    Just saying.

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  37. THIS KID RULES. HE GOT A SHOUT OUT ON THE DEAD RAVEN CHOIR BOX SET FOR BEING "A CUTE BUT NEFARIOUS LITTLE HELLRAISER." SO ADORABLE.

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  38. DRC can suck a dogs cock for all I care. This dad is a retard and needs a movie made about him, so the conservative christians in Amoronica can crucify him like the Westboro Baptist Church.

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  39. Hahah I found this one really fucking funny to be honest, great work haha

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  40. Not Maxico but from Bangkok Thailand !!!

    looooooollllllllllllll

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  41. Dude, this last kid ain't from Mexico, he's from Brazil, son of the founders of Sepultura fan club >.<
    I agree with you, kids shouldn't be forced into metal, swag (or shit --') or any style at all >.<
    Iggor Cavalera kind of does that to his kids... But well, keep on metal is an option, his middle daughter is a hip hop dancer, while his 9 years old son is a little metalhead >.< the father showed them metal, and they chose to keep listening to it or not

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  43. Twisted sister are NOT glam. They're just METAL. Real glam is Poison, Ratt, Quiet riot, winger, lita ford, stryper, black veil brides, motley crue (especially their mid-late 80s shit), etc. Twisted sister are nothing like thosoe bands and they've even criticized those bands especially for going soft to sell out. The band also don't even have glam lyrics. Since when is rebellion, sounding angry or crazy, sounding like a metal band from like 1980 or 1979 supposed to be glam. Glam is nowhere near that.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.