Thursday, August 11, 2011


This picture doesn't really have anything to do with anything. It doesn't have to, fool. THIS IS TRUE METAL Q&A.
You worms. So ignorant are you in the workings of true, glorious Heavy Metal majesty that of course you would beseech me of my inarguably divine advice in the ways of unbridled Metaldom. Sniveling weak fools, you be! How often must I turn to glance upon you and take pity on your fragile, pathetic existence to bestow upon you the greatest knowledge a man could ever hope to acquire? Can you even handle such complex theories? Is any of this even within your natural human comprehension? How quaint and whimsical I find your futile journey towards what you consider to be a true metal status. You have barely scratched the surface, my friends. The task of true metal redemption is a long and arduous one, with many obstacles, hardships, and especially temptations that will lead you astray. Nevertheless, I admire your ambition, and commend you for standing strong in the face of all that is false metal. To reward your efforts, I shall allow you to drink from the steel chalice of true metal enlightenment once again. This is the Fifth That's Not Metal Q&A, and it's going to rip your fucking face in half and pour lemon juice on your exposed muscle tissue before proceeding to set it ablaze.

And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? Cain answered "I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?" If the bible was real, which it's not, this would be the first time a man asked a question of God. In an extremely similar situation, here is the first question a reader is asking of me in this particular Q&A...

What do you think is the most metal guitar company?
-Harrison Stivarius

Sloppy Master of Puppets covers sound shitty no matter what they're played on.
This question is about as loaded as I am. When it comes to what music people listen to, I don't forgive shit for shit. Some of the crap people consider as musically passable or enjoyable is just flat out inexcusable. I mean, even if you want to sail across that delusional plane of reality where you take other people's "opinions" into consideration, with your free-farting, fairy dust, hold hands, hippie circle jerk clusterfuck of a stance on life, I still couldn't in a million years wrap my head around the concept of enjoying Devildriver. I will gladly condemn that act until I'm out of breath. However, when it comes to the creation of music, I actually allow people a little more leeway. Things like a preference actually start to matter to me. Your guitar, your amp, your distortion pedals, your strings, your pickups, etc. Which one of these you want to use to do what defines you as a musician and that perfect tone that suits you best. I know, since when do I give a shit what the next guy thinks? Well listening to music and making music are two different conversations. For instance, I would never play or appreciate a PRS for the life of me. It's not my thing, it's not comfortable to me, and it doesn't make the sound I like. Not to mention they are tits all expensive as holy bat balls. Yet if a dude like Mikael Akerfeldt is all about rocking out with his beefy tones, fruity birdy inlays and gold fixins, I'm not going to judge him for it. Sort of.

If you can't stab a person with it, your guitar isn't metal.
At the end of the day, instruments are just tools. It's up to the user of said tools to use them properly. I can't blame or fault the hammer for smashing in an old man's skull during a B&E gone wrong, nor can I fault an ESP guitar for being used to play Chimaira songs. (Not sure which is a worse crime.) With that said, some guitars are definitely utilized better for metal playing, and some not so much. Companies like B.C Rich cater more specifically to metal players with a long line of instruments designed with fierce aesthetics, thin necks and deep cutaways for faster playing, and active, humbucking pickups that work better with high-gain distortion. Would this make B.C Rich a more "metal" guitar company than the rest? Well, if you ask me, the trend seems that the majority of famous shredders new and old seem to favor flying their fingers around a modest looking Ibanez RG, Jackson Dinky or a variety of other basic looking super strat guitars over doing their thing with something pointy, scary and obnoxious to behold. However there are always exceptions to the rule:

Or there were, anyways.
Short answer: Your favorite guitar to make metal will always be the most metal guitar. Just don't suck, please.

My hair is short at the moment. I want to grow it out to be very long. How can I prevent myself from looking like the metalcore fans that surround me while my hair is that awful "semi-long" length? Should I stay in my basement while my hair is like that?
- Colin Bakum

If only they all stayed in basements.
As a proper metalhead your social interaction should already be at a minimum, if not completely non-existent as it were. Spending the majority of your spare time hiding from the public eye in a basement is just something we sort of do anyways. However, the world isn't perfect. I do realize that you probably have other obligations, like work, school, and maybe even eating. Then there are those pesky metal shows you are 10,000% obligated to attend. (No excuses.) Stepping out of the confines of your home is going to be unavoidable, and people are going to see your head of frumpy Paul McCartney or Justin Bieber hair. There is no way you can possibly wear it that will look good or metal to other metal people for the time being. You're in quite a predicament here, friend. I have, however, seen metal guys on the long hair journey do even greater atrocities to their locks; like grab handfuls of gel and slick it all back, or even worse, walk around with a perfectly parted bowl cut...

Remember metalheads, before there was Justin Bieber, there was Nick Carter.
Before you achieve a holy dragon's mane most glorious, you're going to have to walk the path of shameful hairstyles. It's a long hard road, but with the satisfying reward of looking metal as shit at the end of it. You just need to figure out if it's worth going through the horrible embarrassment for months and months, in order to don the head of illustrious locks you so desire. Or just cut it and make your dad happy for once in his life. Up to you dude. As long as it's not dreadlocks, mohawks, or dyed retarded colors I'm usually pretty cool about the whole hair thing.

What was the best metal show you've been too? Which one had the most brutal mosh pit?
-Andrey Nazarov
I get asked this sort of question a lot. First and foremost, this is like asking me to pick a favorite child. I've been to a vast variety of metal shows of all shapes and sizes, each one its own unique experience. There were things I liked and disliked about each and every one of them. There were definitely some that were better than others, but telling you which one was my favorite is like telling you which one is my favorite band. It just can't be done. Like one time, I went to this venue in Lowell, MA with barely anybody in attendance, and Judas Priest played. I comfortably leaned against the guard rail several feet from the stage with the people next to me arms length apart and got to just casually look up at Rob Halford and K.K Downing do their thing. Then one time in Hartford, CT I watched Motorhead perform like a several hour set of all their classics and some of their heavier modern stuff. They played one of my favorites tunes, Sacrifice, and Mikkey Dee played like a 10-minute drum solo in the middle of it. Tits. To top it off, Lemmy totally busted out the harmonica and laid down some Whorehouse Blues. Then there was Ozzfest 04 where on the main stage they had Slayer, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath and... Superjoint Ritual? Well forget that one then. As for the most brutal mosh pit, again, every crowd varies and every band attracts their own cast of characters, so that's hard to say as well. It only makes it more difficult to say because heavy metal is more or less nothing but push pits. There isn't an arm to be swung or a foot to be kicked unless you're dealing with a hardcore guy who's totally lost. Getting yourself really hurt is pretty rare. If you really wanted to twist my arm about it, I guess Slayer would come out on top with craziest fans at a show. (I'm speaking about a time I saw them in Worcester specifically as opposed to Ozzfest.) Say what you want about them musically, but Slayer fans don't fuck around, especially the ones who started listening to them in the 80's. Nobody's carving Anaal Nathrakh into their arms.

What's your view on when people at a metal concert start jumping like in this vid?
(Bad example, I know, but you get the idea.)
- Markus Bertilsson 

Yeah, I'm picking up what you're putting down. No Doubt huh? Couldn't really find me a better example than that? Here, I bet I have one:

Fast forward to 3:35 for epic crowd/Hansi hopping. I'm confident that this more than answers the question for you. Bunny hopping is totally cool, but only during the heavier parts of softer metal songs about our favorite nerd books.

What's more metal, falsettos or death growls?
- David Tibbetts
The internet will be forever pissed at me for saying this, but the internet is also full of hot-air blowing pussies who don't scare me, so I will unapologetically tell you that falsettos are way more metal than death growls. Not to downplay how metal death growls are, or how much I thoroughly enjoy death metal, but let's look at the facts. Before the likes of Death and Deicide, there was Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Dio, Manowar and the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal. Strong, high, powerful singers built the foundation of the genre I love, and in a conversation about what's true, real, solid heavy metal, traced back to its very source, death metal is barely even in the picture. It's true that Venom, a band that helped pioneer the extreme metal sound, was certainly part of the NWOBHM, but their harsher-than-typical vocal style could hardly be classified as "growls". Death metal wouldn't fully establish itself as its own genre until later in the decade where it evolved from the likes of heavier, darker thrash metal bands.
And I'm not just talking about some chronological advantage either. Sure death growls may win out in the brutality department alone, but the simple fact is that really anyone can death metal growl. Some sound better than others, and you might have to practice a bit to figure out how to do it without shredding your throat to pieces, but growling/screaming is sort of like farting with your armpits. Anyone demented enough to work at it just a little bit can do it like a pro. You don't need to worry about key or any of that shit. You just gurgle with your throat and try to say the lyrics like a monster. Again, nothing really against that, and I can't stress enough how much I actually enjoy listening to it and/or asking for my orders at the drive-thru in that fashion. However, in terms of hard work and talent, singing on par with Ronnie James Dio is a lot more difficult and requires a lot more hard work and talent than "singing" like George Fisher. It's like the difference between playing a great, melodic guitar solo and just trem-picking an open string rapidly. Both take practice, both sound cool, and ultimately, both are really metal, but one certainly deserves a lot more respect and appreciation than the other.

If Johan Hegg and Thor would have a fistfight... who would win?
-Florian Mehring

Trick question. Johan Hegg is Thor.

Do you think Led Zeppelin is metal or not?
-Jeremy Walsh

I think I get this question at least once a week from somewhere. What's the big hang up over Led Zeppelin being metal or not? The shortest answer I can give you is sort of. They were a hard rock band that helped pioneer what would become heavy metal, and we should give them credit for that, but they were still just a little too on the bluesy side to really be considered the first true heavy metal band. You're not really wrong for saying they are metal, but you could be wrong depending on how you say they aren't. To deny that they had anything to do with the genre would be flat out incorrect, and if you hear a guy dissing Zeppelin in that regard, consider this my permission to put a fist through his sack.

\m/ ^_^ \m/ ---> Is that metal?
- Opaq Lc


If you had the opportunity to sacrifice just one member of the non-metal community to appease the metal gods, who would it be and how?
-Harry Andrews

Krysta Cameron of IWRESTLEDABEARONCE. By fucking her to death.

If someone was to like un-metal music, should they just flat-out admit it and take any battering they deserve, or should they pretend as though they don't like it in the first place even though they do?
-Jane French

If you're talking about yourself here Jane, then prepare to have your feelings hurt. If not... well, then just listen.

If there's anything less metal than liking other less worthy genres of music alongside listening to hands down the best genre ever, it's definitely lying to yourself. This is how we end up with poseurs in the first place. You can't even come close to fathoming being true to metal if you're not first and foremost, true to yourself.

I get questions in this kind of format all the time: "I do this. Is that okay?" Look kids, if you have to ask for my permission to go about doing whatever the fuck you do, then congratulations: you're already false. It's true, I'm always right about everything and I'm hands down the smartest dude I know about all the shit that matters. To me anyway. Of course you want my advice. But Jesus Christ, if you just personally love the way a baseball hat looks on your fat head, then what the buttput it on. Nothing is more pathetic to me than one of you guys responding to a violation saying "I've done that before, but I don't anymore/not all the time, lol!" Like my opinion of how metal you are matters all that fucking much. Grow a sack and be your own master.

You either listen to only heavy metal, or you don't. If you adore other forms of music, but then try to stop doing that now because of what you read on this page or because of how you want other metalheads to look at you, you are like the dictionary definition of "poseur". Just be yourself for fuck's sake, if that happens to fall outside the realm of metal, oh well, be not fucking metal. At least I'll respect you. Maybe.

When is your new Q&A going to be finished?
-James Louderback

Right now.

- Brenocide \,,/


  1. A bit Obscura heavy, huh? I have the same Obscura shirt that guy is wearing at the top. I wore it tonight to go see Dying Fetus and Fleshgod Apocalypse.

  2. I would fuck Krysta Cameron till he emo glasses broke, and if they didn't I would smack my cock in her face till they did and then cum in her eyes.

  3. Definitely. Falsettos are more metal than death growls. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go steal a certain pointy guitar to shred someones asshole with.

  4. Falsettos- Check
    Pointy guitar- Check
    Long hair- Check

    I am the most metal being in existence.


  6. Falsettos are bad fucking ass.

    Also, I am curious as to whether or not you think other genres, that aren't shit, and that often influences Metal, are "Metal".

    Like, I enjoy Jazz, Classical, Classic Rock, etc. All the time, Metal being the majority of my musical diet, however.
    Curious as to whether you think that's Metal or not

    1. TheIronMaiden6/11/2012 2:41 AM

      Didn't he kind of answer this with the whole Zep question? I assume the same would go for this. Metal is influenced by and even mingles with a lot of genres but ultimately they're like metals kind of cute cousins.

  7. Yeah, definitely, Classical Music is metal.
    - wait, was this a serious question ?

  8. First of all, that girl from IWRESTLEDABEARONCE isn't attractive.

    Second of all, I'd also like to see a post about Classical music. Not if it's 'metal' because it's not, of course. But, just to see a post about a genre that is obviously talented and not a joke like anything on TV. Classical just doesn't seem un-metal, though.

  9. This just ends: I am officially not metal.

  10. Heh, i did that bunnyhopping thing on stage once during the encore at a Devin Townsend concert. :P

  11. Some of that post-romanticist bow-chugging stuff can get pretty heavy. Lotta chug junkies and bowmosexuals in that scene, back in the day. It's not metal, though. It's arguably heavier at times, and it's often more confronting, and has qualities that are undoubtedly metal, but from a purely generic standpoint, it isn't metal. I'm fuckin' tired.

  12. I think jumping at a metal show is less than metal. More of some sort of hip-hop thing or the like. I will headbang until my neck is shattered, but will stand resolute and refuse to jump.

  13. NotWorthyofMetal8/12/2011 9:22 AM

    Krysta Cameron isn't hot. Besides, you might catch Hipster by fucking her.

  14. falsettos>growls. Wow, I thought I'd never hear anyone agree with me on that.
    Oh well, probably cuz I live in the Netherlands - full of death metal lovers who've never heard of King Diamond.

    \m/ ^_^ \m/

    haha that made me chuckle

  15. Rushang, you are right, we Nederlanders dig death metal way more then the traditional heavy metal. I for myself don't dig many heavy metal bands, but King Diamond is one of my all time favorite vocalists. But overall, I prefer those really oldschool death metal growls over falsettos any time a day!

    And man, our country rules! We have a great death metal scene!

  16. Schecter didnt make the list? BLASTPHEMY!

  17. @Anonymous: Schecter only makes good beginner level stuff in their U.S. line. If you order from their Japanese shops though, they get some quality stuff.

    @Arnold: Yeah, it was a serious question. Randy Rhoads was I believe getting his degree in Classical Guitar before he died. John Petrucci is heavily influenced in Classical, even Mikael Akerfeldt is to an extent. I could easily see Richard Wagner in Sunn O))) or Opeth if he were alive today.
    So yes that was a totally serious question. I'm not debating musical genres, I'm talking about the actual label "Metal"

    Like he even said, Led Zeppelin is "Kind of Metal", so why couldn't Richard Wagner or Liszt be "Kind of Metal"?

  18. I've been growing a beard for at least half a year now. Or at least trying. But the advice you gave about hair makes me feel better that one day I'll have a crumb-catcher that would make the All-Father proud, and I just need to deal with looking like The Amazing Atheist or any other Warhammer40k-loving neckbeard in the meantime.

  19. P.S.,

    \m/ d(>_<)b \m/

    I don't give a fuck what anyone else says is or is not metal. I say My Little Pony is more metal than anything else released in the least metal country on Earth; if you disagree, you are wrong.

  20. @Ironic Maiden, aesthetically, Metal has more in common with Classical than with Rock 'n' roll. Both with the musical complexity that uses the music itself to tell a narrative, and the Romanticist philosophy that rejects the Humanist perspective and incorporates a much more objective view of reality.

    Also, Joey DeMaio calls Richard Wagner the Grandfather of Heavy Metal. So... yeah

  21. NotWorthyofMetal8/12/2011 9:01 PM

    @Lord-Commander Barack
    Bronies have no place in Metal. Didn't Brenocide use My Little Pony as a unmetal comparison in one of his violations? Besides, I know for a fact that a lot of Bronies are into Metalcore.

  22. @NotWorthyofMetal Exactly my point.

  23. NotWorthyofMetal8/13/2011 8:11 PM

    Every time I stumble upon a Pony video using a Metal song, I cross my arms in displeasure.

  24. EmperorOfTheNecropolis8/14/2011 3:11 AM

    @timve The dutch scene is pretty underrated, even though i've found some awesome death metal bands as well as black metal. Brutus and Sapiens end (if that band still exists, i have'nt checked. Ed was a awesome vocalist) are fucking awesome. Carach Angren is also a great Symphonic black metal band (To all the goth kids: Yes, they are better than Dimmu borgir).

  25. Sentient Halitosis8/14/2011 4:57 AM

    Falsettos sound like a teen girl squealing because she's being raped.

    1. TheIronMaiden6/11/2012 2:20 AM

      Sentient Halitosis... Degrading extreme talent while also finding some sick comic relief in children being raped is not metal. It's douchebaggery. And it very well could get you beat up. I hope it does.

  26. TRVEMETALKVLTIST8/14/2011 10:03 AM

    Bullshit, death growls are alot harder then falsetto's, when i first tried falsettos, i could do them instantly,however i had to practice for weeks before i could really growl.

    1. TheIronMaiden6/11/2012 2:32 AM

      Two questions: Have your balls dropped yet? Do you realize that singing falsetto isn't just screeching your voice?

  27. @EmperorOfTheNecropolis, Yeah, but it isn't that hard to be better then Dimmu Borgir xD. But the death metal scene in the late 80's, begin 90's was one of the better death metal scenes world wide with only the Swedish, Finnish and the US scene topping it. We had plenty of killer bands like Asphyx, Gorefest, Pestilence, Creepmime and Sinister. The scene may be underrated under the average metal head, but the oldschool death metal heads know and appreciate the scene very much.

    And nowadays we have in fact more people being into death metal then metal/deathcore xD. How great is that?

  28. Funny article, would be more fun if you were an elitist though. Seeing your previous entries you most obviously are not.

  29. NotWorthyofMetal8/15/2011 2:26 PM


    "All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence."

  30. @All-the-way-up
    I love both classical and metal music.Speaking as an elitist I think they both need a bit of time to be able to understand what you're listening ^^

    I don't think I would label classical music under the "metal" tag... But metal is "classical" imo ;)

  31. kingcarcas13498/29/2011 2:29 AM

    No love for Caparison? Devildriver show up at like every show around here it seems, i will say they do have 2 decent songs but when your frontman was ex-numetal it's hard to redeem yourself. I always got a kick out of the 3 inches of blood "comedy band" thing, huh? Even on stage they are kind of apprehensive at first until they see the crowd is into it and i'm like "of course high pitched vocals are metal, who cares what some posers think about them they kick ass!" Just lose the kiss shirts..........Hopping is gay no matter what, also getting defensive, lying and giving a shit about what other people think about whatever you listen to or do.

  32. Fuck My Face. I clickwed on 'somefag' name. WTF. Trollololo!

    Elitists are fucktards, simply because you have NO time to let people grow an opinion and immediately rip off all their music.

    Metal is about honesty ( I liked that last paragraph) If you feel like ripping throats open and smearing the blood all over your hair and Ronnie's grave... WELL fucking do it!


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.