When There Wasn't Enough Metal on a Page Called "THAT'S NOT METAL" PART 2

As an elitist, it's only natural for me to stand atop an ivory pillar of pure metal might, that I myself have built miles above the heads of the rest of you pathetic mongrels. An opinion that is voiced on, in, near, around or about this blog that is not of my own, deserves about as much of a second thought from me as the sound of my turds kerplunking into a toilet bowl fortunate enough to be graced with the presence of my butt cheeks and lingering shit musk. It's no use, fools; I have the higher ground. I leave comments for my blog open under my posts, because I like to see my opinion presented exactly where it should be: standing high above a festering cesspool of border-line retarded complaints and undeniable butthurt. Without the assistance of sticky notes on your computer screen, your grammatically incorrect tirades will always literally find themselves beneath me.

Yet along with being the highest elite of the metal elite, I am also a philanthropist. I care about people, no matter how downtrodden and unmetal they may be. Just a moment ago, I squashed a fly beneath my thumb. He was so small, weak, stupid, insignificant and lived this life so void of reason or purpose, that I was instantly reminded of you guys, and I wanted to thank you all for the support! To show you my appreciation, I will continue your ongoing metal education with another post about metal bands I think are okay, as opposed to suck monkey taint.



In honor of tradition however, I need to follow the template of the last post about good metal bands, and take the time out of my busy schedule to grant the nobodies and their worthless views regarding me and my blog with their just rebuttals.

Last week I more or less reposted this obnoxious rant written by Burzum's Varg Vikernes about the atrocities that occurred in Norway last month, and didn't add much more than my own introduction, as well as some much needed photo captions. Other than that, I thought it was extremely unnecessary to add anything more to the article. Vikernes' rant was substantially lengthy on its own, and best of all, he needed no help from me in convincing people that he was out of his fucking mind. Here's one incriminating gem taken from said tirade:

"He is a Freemason too, and that certainly doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Freemasonry is international Jewry at it's worst; they too are working for a de-construction of all nations on Earth, and to build a global Hebrew temple, enslaving us all under the will of the Jews and their servants, the Freemasons. Well, this explains why he doesn't say a word about the creators of all the different religions and ideologies now set up to fight against each other."


"International Jewry at it's worst", eh? The last time I heard someone go on about "jewry", it was when I was still working in Nashville. It was this woman yacking away on her cell phone about her "boyfren" who bought her all sorts of "new jewry" and how she was "gon get mah hair did" and she didn't "curr how much it gon cost". I digress. So anyway, for whatever reason, anytime I bring up how much I think Varg or Burzum blows, I get this flock of disagreement from the folks that love his "DON'T CALL IT BLACK METAL" black metal sound, and even more bizarrely, the people that agree with him. Most notably, a repost of my repost was up on the Ultimate Guitar forums, which sparked this 5-6 page thread about the whole thing because these guys like to talk about stupid shit a lot more than actually playing the Gibson guitars they all claim to own/know how to play...

I guess I do indeed make it perfectly clear that I have an already negative opinion of Varg as a person and a musician, and that's the only reason I'm giving him a hard time about -- you know--  the things he says about Jews being evil. From your perspective, if I liked the guy's music from the get go, or started all this completely impartial to who he was or what he ever did, the whole demonizing of Jews thing would have been totally cool with me. Mother of Christmas shit, do you people ever -- I dunno -- read or anything? What's your excuse for being so void of standard human intelligence? Did your parents fail establishing your brain in the whole "thinking" department during your stages of early childhood development?

Here's another great argument I can formulate for you: eat all the babies. It will solve all the world's hunger problems as well as overpopulation. Two birds with one stone, right there. I'm making a strong case, but that doesn't make the idea any less bat-shit bonkers. Do you want to know how I know Varg Vikernes is out of his mind? Because he sat down and read a 1500 page manifesto written by Anders Behring Bevrik in order to "formulate an argument" like you say he's so great at. We're talking about the guy that bombed and shot dozens of defenseless people in Norway. Who the fuck would read anything a guy like that would write, much less 1500 pages of his delusional mania? I can only imagine the sort of things he thought and said would typically be written on a cement wall in human feces. "Riffmast" apparently didn't have a big enough wall, or enough excrement to go around, so he decided to write his particular take on all this on the UG forums instead:

I'm pretty much 1,000% positive what you are suggesting would create a lack of diversity and weaken the species, Charlie Brown. You must not have gotten a lot out of biology class since the teacher was all "wah wah, wah wah waaah." While we're on the subject, you should probably know that for the sake of our continuing evolution and strengthening of the gene pool, people as flat-out retarded as you should keep carelessly playing with their extensive gun collection. Don't bother saving them for the race war, turning one on yourself will make all of us winners.

Without further ado, here's a small handful of some random bands I was listening to in the last couple hours:

Angel Witch: I one time asked this guy I met what some of his favorite bands were. He gave me only four or five names at first, so I asked him again. Frustrated with his second list, I asked him one more time, optimistic that he would finally give me the right answer. After failing a third consecutive time, my next question to him was "where the fuck was Angel Witch in all that other crap?" He didn't even bother to answer, because he was too ashamed of how bad he just royally fucked up. I hope you're still out there ashamed about it, random dude at a show I didn't know. I guess we're all entitled to our opinion in music or whatever, but seriously? Angel Witch is a good opinion to have. Open your mind to some Angel Witch.



Axemaster: The 80's were glorious a time in true metal when all the best riffs were thought up, and more importantly, the best band names were taken. Case in point you have fucking Axemaster, who shortened their name from "fucking Axemaster" to just "Axemaster" after realizing that they didn't need to put the curse word in their band name for people to eternally refer to them only as "fucking Axemaster". Most people don't consider this, but a popular, yet nowhere near as good, Boston hardcore act that started in 2000 could have named their band after Axemaster's 1990 release, Death Before Dishonor. Coincidence? Probably. Watch the music video below and prepared to be disappointed in anything else you will do this week in comparison. Mustaches are now officially true metal mandatory. If you want to that is, not everybody likes mustaches, and that's okay I guess...




Gorerotted: Until their unfortunate breakup in 2008, English metallers, Gorerotted took death metal about as seriously as most anyone should. This song, for instance, is about being cannibalized by mentally retarded people. Song highlight/the highlight of all death metal ever (in my opinion that is) can be enjoyed from 0:51 to 1:05. The fact they actually assigned lyrics to whatever the fuck is going on there only makes it that much better.



Magic Kingdom/Iron Mask: Before I talk to you about the Belgian power metal bands, Magic Kingdom and Iron Mask, first let me introduce you to their common lead guitarist, Dushan Petrossi:

I mean, you can say what you want about the guy's guitar playing or whatever, but seriously, you simply can't deny that Petrossi definitely has his own unique style. I honestly can't think of a single other famous European shred guitarist with a banana yellow Fender Stratocaster, hair that big and poofy, an oddly rounded face, who also started to gain a good deal of weight in his later years and has a thing for chest-hair baring, low cut shirts, as well as playing blistering fast sweep arpeggios in a power metal band that sells itself using the guitarist's name. Nope. Nobody comes to mind right away. Anyway, Petrossi started out playing for Magic Kingdom, but decided that he needed to start a power metal band with a name that wasn't inspired by a Disney theme park. Iron Mask is another one of those pretty good power metal bands that you should give a listen to if you have a Power Metal station on Pandora Radio, and you're pretty happy with whatever comes up. You couldn't really tell where the first song ended and the last one began unless Grave Digger showed up in the middle of all of it somewhere, but you're still relatively pleased by the listening experience as a whole. 

Wolfchant:

Usually there's nothing more awkward to me then dudes with really short hair cuts wearing leather pants, but I guess Wolfchant makes up for it by being so swell at playing epic German pagan metal. Not to say you can't have short hair and still be metal, of course, but in my opinion just the short hair + leather pants combination does nothing but creep me out. To me personally, a dude with long hair seems sort of like he intends to be a bit of an extrovert in the first place (if not just lazy), so leather pants don't really phase you when they go along with the rest of his attire. However, if you have a hair cut that looks like the one you'd get before your big job interview at Best Buy, and still try to look metal as fuck wearing your bracers and black leather slacks, it does nothing but confuse people. I'm looking at you, Bruce Dickinson. Either you're reserved or extreme. Commit. What was I talking about again? Oh right. music, or something or whatever. Here's some of that:



Satan:
As brought up before with Axemaster, back in the 80's and late 70's was when all the good band names were taken, leaving us now with all the sentence long atrocities we have to put up with these days. In 1979, during the greatest musical movement in the history of the world, (the New Wave of British Heavy Metal), there was a little band from Newcastle, England that had the right mind to jump on the name that everybody else wanted, but assumed was already taken, so didn't bother. I speak of course of "Satan". You can't get more brutal than being referred to as the dark lord himself. Not satisfied with taking the coolest name ever, they then had a stint in the mid-80's where they took the second coolest name ever, and called themselves Blind Fury. What a bunch of assholes. If that wasn't enough, they decided to take the name Kindred, and then Pariah. Way to take all the sweet names you cocks. It's 2011 and truly epic, original band names are extremely hard to come by. See what hell you hath wrought, Satan? I would write a violation about changing band names all the time, but it would probably only be this long, and it would probably only be about Satan. Either way, they were an awesome band, even if that's just my opinion and you might not think so.



I guess that's it for now. Expect a new Violation post coming soon. It will definitely be about you.


- Brenocide \,,/