Monday, August 22, 2011

You're Not Supposed To Get Stoned Before You Write...


But you see, as I sat upon the highest cliffs of this moonlit valley, beneath diamond-esque stars that soared and fell through the dark blue of the night sky, incinerating and inhaling only the dankest of dragon herbs, a bolt of lightning was thrown at me from the heavens, striking the top of my head and supercharging me with a surge of electricity through my metal and metal-filled veins, all the way into my brain.
Ok, actually that happens a lot and the results are pretty uninspired, and my guess is that this is really no exception. But here's what I just realized: You all think that you know good metal, and some of you do, but what I just realized is that everyone hears a shitty version of a good genre, and decides that either they like it or they don't. Now, the ones that DO like it are content with liking terrible music because it's what got them into the genre. It doesn't matter how you start listening to metal, you are expected to know what is acceptable to listen to and what is not. When you're starting out you can be forgiven for mistakes but don't you DARE be over 13 years old and listen to Black Veil Brides.
However, the other situation is that they hear it and decide they hate it, so every band that sounds even remotely like this one sucks and/or is gay. Also incorrect. Technical Death Metal is not false metal provided the music doesn't misrepresent metal as THE GREATEST GENRE OF MUSIC EVER.

Here's an example of BAD TECH DEATH:


These are not the only examples of misrepresentation in legit trv metal genres. Many of you undoubtedly still think Power Metal and/or Melodic Death Metal are false because you can't tell yet what is good music and what is bad music dressed up as good music, because it still all sounds the same to you.

More Examples! Here's some really, really fucking bad power metal:

And now for some really, really fucking decent power metal:

So many people hate melodic death metal. I feel it's because people associate the term "Melodeath" with this:

When this is a far better representation:

Now, even more insane and unfortunate in the metal community, but no less rampant, is giving unwarranted praise to artists that also misrepresent metal as THE BEST GENRE IN THE FUCKING WORLD. For instance, many of you listen to Black Metal, thinking that you are listening to quality, trv metal, when you're actually listening to this:

No. Bad. Here's what you should be listening to:

See the difference? Good.

Well, look at that. All this being informative has completely sobered me up. Time to go do something about that. Til next time kids.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. But oh mighty Brenocide. What is your opinion on Vordven and Ambient Black Metal in general?

  3. Nice post, but you forgot to include Hammerfall in the terribad power metal part.

  4. What is up with the shitty melodic death metal recommendations? The genre has so much better bands to offer then Norther (who sound like fucking Children of Bodom). If you want really good melodic death metal bands, check out Eucharist, Desultory and (OLD) Dark Tranquillity. Just a few examples.

    Here is a good Desultory tune:

  5. Wow, Xandemic's first good post. I understand what you're saying about how metal sounds different with age. It's like how you start enjoying beer in your teens. I first got into death metal when I started watching Metalocalypse. I downloaded Dethalbum I and Dethalbum II shortly after and really started to enjoy it. After a couple of weeks I moved on to Amon Amarth, Hypocrisy, Quo Vadis and Deicide. I've only been listening to Death Metal for about a year now and still have a long way to go, but at least I already have a decent taste in music. ANYWAY, enough yanking my own chain. Fuck the jews.

  6. lol, Old Man's Child? why not Dimmu Borgir too?

  7. I was with you up until the Black metal part. What's wrong with Immortal and Burzum? Sure, Varg is a bit of a nut, but that doesn't stop me from liking his music.

  8. Wow. The black metal part is so much fail that I'd like to think it's a troll. You should probably remove it before ABME tears you a new one.

  9. I agree for the most part, but you couldn't be more wrong about Immortal.

  10. deathmetalFTW8/23/2011 6:59 AM

    black metal is for retarded people

  11. I agree with deathmetalFTW. Norwegian Black metal always has been a joke. And got even worse when mallgoths started digging it.

  12. Immortal is awesome dude. I admit that that Dragonforce song is good for me, but that band is just awful. Scar Symmetry is okay, not that bad.

    You forgot to put Helloween and Gamma Ray in the good power metal. Also I would recommend Stormwarrior, just straight fast german metal.

  13. Black Metal is terrible.

  14. I like some Brain Drill songs. They are not that bad... of course bands like Necrophagist or Spawn of Possession are a lot better, but Brain Drill is enjoyable.

  15. Immortal is not bad Black Metal, and Brain Drill is awesome.

  16. You should've replaced Burzum with Dimmu Borgir. I think it's about time this blog knows that band blows.

    Loving the post Xandemic, and yeah, don't blaze before writing a post.

  17. Sorry bro but you don't know shit about black metal.

  18. Norther? They are the new Children of Bodom... both bands suck.

  19. Norther aint half bad. They're stuff with Petri Lindroos (which is pretty much everything except the latest album) is good (with a few exceptions). They aren't much like CoB, for one thing, Petri Lindroos can growl, unlike Alexi Laiho.
    They're one of the few sick melodeath acts with high pitched growls that I like.

  20. Xandemic: "So these are the bands I like. :)) ..."
    Well done on another oustanding article Xandemic!..
    You're going for the Pulitzer.......

  21. In this article: many TNM readers miss the point, what a surprise!

    1, Norther's old stuff is better than Children of Bodom. I doubt any of you even bothered to listen to the song. Now that Petri's gone they suck, but I didn't post Circle Regeneration or whatever it is.
    2, these are the only bands I posted, so therefore they HAVE to be the only bands I listen to. Who's DARK TRANQUILLITY? Who's DESULTORY? EUCHARIST? That's not the obscure Swedish death metal band that actually gets their shirts sold in Fresno's Rasputin is it? Couldn't be. They're not on this post so there's NO possible way I've ever heard of and/or listen to them. Great logic.
    3, Immortal has a couple good albums. All Shall Fall is not among them. They've been riding on the popularity they get from being cheesy and goofy for far too long, and have tricked people into thinking they make good music, much like Burzum. The fact remains, you have to ALREADY LIKE raw, dissonant black metal to like Immortal. Old Man's Child, regardless of the fact that Galder is the only mildly good thing left about Dimmu Borgir, is well composed music that HAPPENS to be black metal. It seems that a lot of people don't like my taste in black metal. This might be because I (unlike many of you) still enjoy music, and not dissonant, low-fi noise interspersed with 40 minute, 3 note synth passages. So maybe, just maybe, your taste in black metal differs from mine because all the black metal artists I like are still musicians.

    In terms of power metal selections, you guys are pretty on it. Hammerfall is indeed terribad (I just tried to avoid the obvious in this post) and Stormwarrior & Helloween (especially oldschool) are great bands.

    You see kids, if this were a blog designed to cater to whatever standard of metalocity you have adopted from spending all your time on whatever metal forums you waste your days on, we wouldn't get half the reaction we get. Instead, our goal is to point out what you're doing WRONG as a metalhead, by explaining to you why something you like or like to do IS NOT METAL, and to guide you on your path to trv metal svpremacy. I know it's confusing right now, but eventually you'll understand the difference between metal that people have tricked themselves into liking so that they can be super cool and obscure and impress all their forum buddies, and metal that is actually good and thus deserving of praise. But um, have fun disagreeing with me while you're still able to think you're right.

  22. I like how you some of the bands you deem as "good" representatives of the genre blow (Obscura, Iced Earth, Sonata Artica, Norther, etc etc).

    Tech death: Gorguts

    Power metal: ...yeah Blind Guardian works, but it's mostly a failure of a genre

    Melodeath: Dark Tranquillity

    Black metal: Darkthrone (old Emperor and Burzum work too)

    Etc etc

  23. Raul, I like how you think your opinion is more valid to TNM than one of the people that writes for it.

  24. If you keep writting the articles perhaps Raul's opinnion will become more valid than TNM's...

  25. Is Brain Drill even Techdeath? I just heard alot of dissonant noises and screams that almost destroyed my ear drums.

  26. Old Man's Child? Nope.

    And I can't stand power metal. Full of kids in their favorite super hero t-shirts, long hair more well maintained than most females, and gauntlets on their wrists. So lame.

  27. the author of this post is a poser8/23/2011 5:10 PM

    judging by your links xan, raul's opinion IS more valid than yours. tell me, what specifically about Old Man's Child makes them black metal? oh that's right, nothing. i believe they belong in the "bad power metal" section. the fact that you think they are more black metal than burzum or immortal pretty much removes any "metal credibility" from you.

    but, have fun pretending to be elite!

  28. I never really got into black metal, but Carach Angren are fucking amazing.

  29. Desultory's Bitterness album rules! Dissection are one of my favorites along with Unanimated. The early Black Metal bands are the best, not that there is not good new ones but I hate how people act like a band like Immortal is not kvlt enough when they were doing this shit 20 years ago. Just because some unoriginal band releases a 7 inch on some unknown label does make them credible.

  30. Hate to break it to you Xandemic, but if you have to explain why you article is right and everyone else is stupid for not seeing it, then you fail. If you were a true elitist, you would know you're right. Raul and EE know what's up.

  31. Everything here is so gay.

    This message brought to you by the "Guys Who Laugh At Hypocritical Metalheads Who Love Violence And Hate Religion But Suffer Cognitive Dissonance When Presented With Making Fun Of Brown-Skins And Pillow-Biters".

    Epic. Face. Palm. Nothing is less metal than two-faced fucktards. Metal and liberalism are like oil and water. Never underestimate the ability of so-called smart people to compartmentalize their "morality", who have no problem with songs about murder and rape and theft but suddenly get buttmad over songs about white people.

    Again: Epic. Face. Palm.

  32. This article is coming from the guy who Likes Dubstp,Celtic Women,And Avenged sevenfold. Yeah Bro Your sooo True Metal.

  33. You guys really don't know shit about anything do you? Raul is an obvitroll, andreja is female, and Nanny is apparently brain damaged. Calm your shit kiddies. Life WILL go on for some of you.


  34. @Xandemic
    If you listen to them, good for you, but when you give examples of good melodic death metal, try to make them good next time.

    Norther just blows and Amon Amarth are just descent. Desultory, Eucharist and early Dark Tranquillity are so much better it just makes me wonder... WHY? This post could show the beauty of melodic death metal and what did you do? Give them something "alright"? Just give them the fvcking best!

    Arch Enemy is another good example of baaaad melodic death metal btw.

    Here once again are a few links of good melodic death metal bands/songs:

    Detonation - The Prophecy Unfolds

    Desultory - Life Shatters

    Dark Tranquillity - With the Flaming Shades of Fall

  35. So, Xandemic, what exactly makes the Brain Drill song bad tech death and the Obscura song good tech death? Just curious.

  36. Your comment to defend your post is longer than your actual post. You're officially in the poseur category.

    And according to you apparently, there's nothing in between for black metal. It's either sugar coated melodic stuff or basement dwelling one man band. Pathetic, really.

  37. Agreed. Except for the black metal part, burzum does suck and so does Immortal's new work (except the title-track that you posted), and I hate to do the old stuff thing, but it's pretty true in this case. Sons of northern darkness is epicness.

  38. LOL DURP, I'm going to add to what Raul said on how most of your examples of good music was in fact terrible..
    Tech Death: Disicarnate, Pestilence
    Power metal: Um only Manowar is real
    Melodeath: Carcass' Heartwork and yeah Amon Amarth works
    LOL you really know nothing about BM do you haha Old's Mans Child, Mystreiach, Cerimonial castings!! lol do you need shitty keyboards in everything!
    Try Profanatica, Taake, Prosanctus Inferi, Darkspace, Leviathan, Drudkh, Absu.

  39. Old Man's Child ain't a good representation of "good" black metal.
    Kudos for Infernal War though.
    Gates of Ishtar is a good representation of "good" melodeath. Should be up there instead of Norther.
    Grave Digger, Helstar, Running Wild, Manticora, Persuader or Agent Steel are good representations of Power Metal. Definitely not Sonata Arctica.

  40. Not meaning to sound like a dick, but your black metal suggestions are pretty far off. I'll be the first to agree that Immortal is enormously cheesy and War is only good for comedic value, but looking at your reply in the comment section, you seem to think that good musicianship equals good music. Yes, that Infernal War song (which, by the way, is more death metal than black metal) is infinitely more complicated and professionally recorded than Wolfsmond's 'Entfesselt', just to name a random example, but that doesn't mean that IW's song works better as a black metal song. Black metal is not all about exhibiting musical proficiency although it can and often is a part of it (listen to Peste Noire's lead and bass work, for example), but about evoking sentiments of primitivity and emotions associated with them. This more often than not results in pretentious cheesiness, yes, but bands like Old Man's Child are no better as they use the already cheesy image of black metal to sell their music. And their music, despite the musical proficiency involved, doesn't even scratch the surface of how powerful black metal can be. I think metal listeners in general should know that listening to music can be something far broader than liking a melody you hear.

    I listen to GOOD black metal because it can be nostalgic, emotional music that breaks with some of the most generic conventions of modern music (the song structure, most importantly), and not because I want to hear technically complex solos or well-executed clean vocals. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't listen to the black metal you posted, because frankly everyone can listen to what the fuck they like, but I just felt the need to point out that boasting about caring about good musicianship as opposed to '40-minute songs with 3 notes' is no better than other people criticising your taste for black metal because it's not true enough.

  41. Technicality is a craft, musicality is an art.

  42. Kalmah? Old Mans Child? Amon Amarth? And you claim that Burzum isn't real BM? Get the fuck off the internet, you don't know metal.

    1. DildoMachine7/13/2012 9:41 AM

      Lol, retard. Have you ever bothered to listen to Kalmah or Amon Amarth closely? Just because you can't get into it on the first go doesn't mean it's bad music. They're both very musical bands. Some people just pass off music way too quickly and don't give it a second chance. The metal genre just has too many elitists, which is quite sad when you consider these people got into the music probably keeping an open mind to anything that's not easy-listening. Also, Burzum isn't really that great. At all.

      Most of the bad bands named actually have some decent songs, but I agree that most of them suck.


  44. your mom....9/02/2011 3:28 PM

    Immortal fucking sucks. Burzum is even worse. Complete crap. Burzum is not real blackmetal you fucking faggot hipsters. Norway sucks. Everything from Norgay sucks except for Urgehal. If I was from scandinavia, I'd shoot myself too....fucking posers. Also, Braindrill is the worst band in metal history....along with Kreig.

  45. ^ You sir are a fucking idiot.

  46. everything in this article was wrong, exept the first post.
    brain drill isnt good music, and all you people sucking on the guitarists cock need to go learn how to WRITE A FUCKING SONG instead opf just pointless shredding, its not good at all.
    obscura on the other hand, is fucking amazing.
    and xamdemic, you really dont know much when it comes to B.M. but i def agree with the burzum part, but immortal is awesome and all shall fall is a badass record.
    good write though, even though i disagree interesting (and isnt that the point of blogs anyways?)

  47. fuck!....youre musical taste is really awful. what about Blut Aus Nord or Deathspell Omega,i guess they can be a bit on the wankers side some times, but still, that Mysteriarch song just fucking blows (dicks, cuz its soooo gay). and fuck! dont get me started on power metal.....hahahahahahahah

  48. Fuck xandemic


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.