Monday, August 1, 2011

Temple Of The Black Moon: An In-Depth Analysis Brought To You By ABME

"...Imagine a cauldron bubbling over with the unsavory flavors of Tool and Celtic Frost, and seasoned with the likes of Immortal and At The Gates, and you'd be about halfway to describing the uncouth racket these guys have spat upon an unsuspecting planet."


Those are the words spoken from the new up and coming "super group" TEMPLE OF THE BLACK MOON featuring none other than Dani Filth. Dani- as we all know and fear has recently joined forces with The Artist Formally Known as King to put out an album that is not only a direct assault on black metal, but the entire metal genre as we know it. In fact, a post like this is so "un-black metal" I could not even ponder the idea of posting it on my own page.

Rumored about a month or two ago, Dani and King got together to discuss a very important topic... one that has been plaguing them for years now.

The topic at hand?

"How much it sucks being known as international metal clowns".

Unlike Dani, King does not have a bunch of screaming goth girls to boost his confidence and after being the butt of many Gorgoroth lawsuit jokes- the rage must have built up. Dani also having issues with the metal scene laughing at his ever receding hair line and height, felt the time for revenge was right. It was time to get payback on the unforgiving metal community.
It was time to form a
band... not just any band...

(Left: The original line up which featured an actual child to take away from the fact that Dani Filth is a midget)

This band would be considered a "super group" and would attack everything "true" to metal leaving only Cradle of Filth and Ov Hell fans left to roam the earth. However an attack on everything metal is a pretty daunting task... and we all know King is no stranger to falling on his ass after such feats. The two needed to fill in the gaps... they needed a complete band. Shagrath was rumored to play keyboards, but as we all know he is only capable of playing the same three to four notes in a row in repetition as heard on The Devils Path and Ragnarok's "Arising Realm" album. Dani then moved forward with taking current Cradle of Filth producer and worthless Anthrax fill-in Rob Caggiano to fulfill guitar duties. With time and inspiration running low, the three of them latter pulled John Tempesta's name out of a hat filled with random drummers. After John agreed, the band was set. The War on Everything Metal was at hand...

The band sent out their Grand Deceleration of War to the metal community via Myspace, but later realized no one uses that shitty website anymore and their message went unheard. They later got facebook/youtube/twitter accounts and restated their message; adding a demand for sleazy/easy women, cheap booze, a tour bus that shoots flames from the back tail pipe, and lots of money for rumored hair a restoration program.

The band further stated the reasoning behind why they chose such a stupid generic name:

"We had an innumerable amount of names that never seemed likely to stick, that was until we put our proverbial heads together and narrowed it down to just three or four, and then tossed for it (proverbially of course) using a silver Norwegian crown (we couldn't find any proper money). The name Temple Of The Black Moon represents the rigorous worship of desire, (the black moon astrologically has always held association with the dark Goddess Lilith) and of course the ramifications of the lunar eclipse, always a herald for death and ill-omen."

Now I know a lot of you cannot speak the nu-metal language that is associated with anything regarding Cradle of Filth, so I ran that last paragraph through my ABME Elitist Speak Translator (ABME:E.S.T.) and provided a translation below. Yeah, you're welcome.

We couldn't figure out which name to choose because they all looked retarded. Rob's submissions were nothing more than band names that had already been taken such as Machine Head and Emperor. It did not help either that King lied to us about being able to read. His illiteracy became apparent when he was unable to decipher the differences between the list of names on paper as he spent an hour just staring at it making low grunting noises every 10 minutes
or so. We called him out when he finally pointed at the "Band Name List" title at the top of the paper and said that was his choice for the name. Essentially I (Dani) butted in and chose Temple of the Black Moon because the name sounds like some unused Cradle of Filth album title.

(Left: A fan made myspace "tribute" to this "super" group... Obviously made by a highschool aged girl)

Now lets take a second to dissect this "super group" member by member to see what is so "super" about it.

Dani Filth- Vocals: Best known for his receding hairline and dwarf-like appearance. The only member dumb enough to stay with Cradle of Filth since 1991. Also starred in a movie entitled Cradle of FEAR. The movie was allegedly banned in the UK for it's treatment of Dwarfs.

King- Bass: scorned ex-Gorgoroth member. Tried and failed miserably to take Gorgoroth from Infernus. Thrown out of the black metal scene in shame- only to join fellow clown Shagrath in forming Ov Hell. Still unable to understand the disgust coming from black metal fans, he then hammers the final nail into his musical career coffin by forming this band with Dani Filth.

John Tempesta- Drums: Random member of the band. Formerly of White Zombie. Currently in the cry baby goth band The Cult.

Rob Caggiano- Guitar: Known for being in Anthrax (post rap-metal era) while still unable to contribute any new and inspiring. Also known for producing some of the worst music known to man such as recent Cradle of Filth/Sahg/ill Nino nu-metal albums.

(Left:The bands target audience is estimated to be 95% overweight goth girls between the ages of 13 and 25.)

Despite all the brainwashed Hot Topic fan plea's; ABME predicts that this band will not be around too long. Remember the "black metal" super group Eibon? Of course you don't, but the band at one point or another featured Maniac, Fenriz, Satyr, Killjoy, and Phil Anselmo. Yep THAT Phil Anselmo from Pantera who has nothing to do with Black Metal. Turns out that due to Satyr causing some shit (most likely creative/money control issues), everyone left except for him. The band managed to put out one song and a few rough tracks before their demise. Twilight is another "super-group" that fell flat on its face. After putting out one mediocre (that is me being EXTREMELY nice) album, the band later reformed with a bunch of beardnecks and released a shitty disco album for their second release. If you ask me, Temple of the Black Moon's days are numbered.

(Left: Temple of the Black Moon need to take a note from "Super Group" history. Even if you do manage to make some music, it still is going to suck. Thankfully Eibon never took off.)

So with that said, the real choice comes down to you- the metal n00b. Will you run out to your local Hot Topic/Walmart and pick up the new Temple of the Black Moon album praising Dani Filth for his alleged "hotness" or King's "amazing musical capabilities"; or will ignore the embarrassing blackened slam-core release and give metal a fighting chance. I sure you hope you choose wisely...

Join me later on my page as we will be discussing interesting topics like Women in Black Metal III, weapons, Swedish black metal bands and much more!



  1. "The bands target audience is estimated to be 95% overweight goth girls between the ages of 13 and 25"


  2. LOL where did you find that picture of the kid with TotBM members??? Funny shit!!!!

  3. I'm going to Hot topic right now. Not to buy it you stupid buffoon, To destroy it.

  4. I didn't even read the entire text, but nice work! horns up!

  5. Dimmu Borqueer8/01/2011 2:20 PM

    XD !!!!!!This is exactly why I read this blog. Good shit.

  6. This shit CAN'T be REAL... WTF is wrong with the metal scene that shit like THIS has to appear?!?! WHY SATAN WWWWWHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!

  7. Orca The Killer Whale8/01/2011 3:11 PM

    Bravo! Abme is my new hero

  8. Dani, Shagrath, Nergal, and King just need to do a band together. Jesus christ...

  9. Rodríguez8/01/2011 10:19 PM

    Hey! I like Rob Caggiano!

  10. NotWorthyofMetal8/01/2011 10:35 PM

    When will all the Metal blogs form an alliance to raise an army of Metal and destroy unmetal crap like this?

  11. Rob Caggiano lost any credibility when he joined forces with Dani Filth and King ov Hell.

  12. Black Metal is shitty anyways.

  13. I actually do remember Eibon. Didn't they have some black 'n' roll thing going on? Either way, whatever they released mustn't have been very memorable, as I recall little to nothing of it.

  14. Killjoy is a good vocalist though. He was great in Necrophagia, and Deathtrip 69 is a great album. And why are these fucktards still making black metal? It's death, and the bands who still make it are either sellouts or immortal wannabes.

  15. That was some funny shit right there

  16. Anyone else notice Trollhorn from Moonsorrow/Finntroll leaving comments on pictures and links on ABME's facebook page? You think ABME is really some member of a band?

  17. Wouldn't surprise me... Although obviously not from an American band seeing Black Anvil nearly popped a vein in their anus over his posts about them.

  18. Richard Sjunnesson8/03/2011 1:31 AM

    You guys stop. Us Metalheads can't live if we continue this rediculous civil war! We have to stick together regardless of musical taste and be thankful that bands like this help people find heavier music. Also, you're just jealous that these guys are in a band and have accomplished more than you ever will.

  19. kingcarcas13498/03/2011 4:55 AM

    I was going to say IN B4 "u juss jealuzz you dun make as much muneyyzz as dem" but i guess i'm too late.

  20. TheThrashMaster8/03/2011 5:07 AM

    @Richard Sjunnesson

    Yeah, stick together. And then what, have a nice discussion about how "cutee<3<3" and "br00tal" those new bondage pants at hot topic are? Blow me.

  21. Metal Hurlaunt8/03/2011 5:22 AM

    Suck it, I refuse to share the metal landscape with shit like Temple of the Black Moon or Suicide Silence. Cut the fat and the shit.

  22. Haha, you two got trolled hard.

  23. Down with this sort of thing!

  24. The pairing of TNM with ABME was a great move. Similar style, yet completely different realms of metal. Both guys play their parts well.
    Cheers to both.

  25. Motherfucker I did not get trolled. Suck my dick Dani Filth style.

  26. Richard Sjunnesson8/04/2011 11:47 PM

    I just wanted to let you guys know how embarrassed you look and how I am just laughing at your comments. My new band is going to make a song dedicated to these comments to show how funny we think they are. Also you guys are just jealous because I was in a proggressive melo-death band like Sonic Syndicate. And the lead singer of Suffocation is on the new Suicide Silence album because of how much Suicide Silence influences their music. kthxbai

  27. NotWorthyofMetal8/05/2011 3:12 PM

    Fools, quit talking about this and celebrate the defeat of Disturbed!

  28. article is rofl and comments are roflmao. sure, dani filth isn't the greatest singer. but his lyrics are great and his vocals used to be pretty good back in cradle's roots.
    don't understand why all the hate is necessary. it's a shame that metalheads have come to argue that band x sucks and artist y is great. it's even funnier how some people think that some bands are true and some bands aren't. grow up..

  29. @NotWorthyofMetal
    They are only stopping for 2012 they will be back.

  30. NotWorthyofMetal8/05/2011 11:52 PM

    They'll probably break up whilst gone.

  31. Great post. However if you take this or anything on this page seriously, you are admitting yourself to be a fucktard

  32. NotWorthyofMetal8/06/2011 10:07 PM

    @Fat FUCK
    What I've always figured about this blog is that it always borders on being serious and being parody. Obvious parodic stuff (the violation about Sex) is easy to spot. Serious stuff is also easy to spot (worshiping Dimebag).

  33. Fuck Dimebag, he was nu-metal regardless of what anyone thought!

  34. That fan poster is f'ing hilarious

  35. NotWorthyofMetal8/07/2011 10:19 PM

    @Fat Fuck
    I like Pantera, but I think calling them Nu Metal is a stretch.

  36. I grew up in my mid 20's with Pantera. They are nu-metal no doubt, but they are "Southern Nu-metal" which spun off to shit like Black Label Society and the FUCKING HORRIBLE Damage Plan... Goddamn... that shit was WEAK

  37. @IUser
    Yeah just look at all the Pantera songs with Phil rapping and with turntables or synthesizers.... oh wait.

  38. Fuck Dimebag!!! You realize Damage plan was such a shitty fucking band??? Everyone was on the verge of throwing Dimebag to the sharks, and then he is shot. "oohhhh no!!! RIP BROTHER!!!" Phil is crying his eyes out like a dog who's owner was shot in front of it. Fucking please. The Great Southern Mallcore....

  39. Phil had nothing to do with black metal? ABME, lest we forget his solo black metal project, Viking Crown:

  40. This is a cheeseball website for bitter jealous losers with no lives. Who is this douche anyway? The fact that this website even exists at all is the most poser thing in the world. gay

  41. Phil has a lot to do with Black Metal.
    Viking Crown and Christ Inversion. Enough said.
    And Eibon was great. Nothing to complain about.

  42. This is the most pathetic site i've ever heard of.

  43. I am so FUCKING tired of my friends claiming Cradle of Filth to be black metal. But I don't understand your attack on Immortal. Pure Holocaust is tasty.

    1. Not only is this site annoying it's bland, unfunny and downright stupid.

    2. ^Not only is your mom annoying, her vagina is bland, shes unfunny, and downright stupid.


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