Temple Of The Black Moon: An In-Depth Analysis Brought To You By ABME

"...Imagine a cauldron bubbling over with the unsavory flavors of Tool and Celtic Frost, and seasoned with the likes of Immortal and At The Gates, and you'd be about halfway to describing the uncouth racket these guys have spat upon an unsuspecting planet."


Greetings...

Those are the words spoken from the new up and coming "super group" TEMPLE OF THE BLACK MOON featuring none other than Dani Filth. Dani- as we all know and fear has recently joined forces with The Artist Formally Known as King to put out an album that is not only a direct assault on black metal, but the entire metal genre as we know it. In fact, a post like this is so "un-black metal" I could not even ponder the idea of posting it on my own page.

Rumored about a month or two ago, Dani and King got together to discuss a very important topic... one that has been plaguing them for years now.

The topic at hand?

"How much it sucks being known as international metal clowns".

Unlike Dani, King does not have a bunch of screaming goth girls to boost his confidence and after being the butt of many Gorgoroth lawsuit jokes- the rage must have built up. Dani also having issues with the metal scene laughing at his ever receding hair line and height, felt the time for revenge was right. It was time to get payback on the unforgiving metal community.
It was time to form a band... not just any band...
A BAND OF TOTAL VISUAL AND MUSICAL RETARDATION!!!



(Left: The original line up which featured an actual child to take away from the fact that Dani Filth is a midget)










This band would be considered a "super group" and would attack everything "true" to metal leaving only Cradle of Filth and Ov Hell fans left to roam the earth. However an attack on everything metal is a pretty daunting task... and we all know King is no stranger to falling on his ass after such feats. The two needed to fill in the gaps... they needed a complete band. Shagrath was rumored to play keyboards, but as we all know he is only capable of playing the same three to four notes in a row in repetition as heard on The Devils Path and Ragnarok's "Arising Realm" album. Dani then moved forward with taking current Cradle of Filth producer and worthless Anthrax fill-in Rob Caggiano to fulfill guitar duties. With time and inspiration running low, the three of them latter pulled John Tempesta's name out of a hat filled with random drummers. After John agreed, the band was set. The War on Everything Metal was at hand...

The band sent out their Grand Deceleration of War to the metal community via Myspace, but later realized no one uses that shitty website anymore and their message went unheard. They later got facebook/youtube/twitter accounts and restated their message; adding a demand for sleazy/easy women, cheap booze, a tour bus that shoots flames from the back tail pipe, and lots of money for rumored hair a restoration program.

The band further stated the reasoning behind why they chose such a stupid generic name:

"We had an innumerable amount of names that never seemed likely to stick, that was until we put our proverbial heads together and narrowed it down to just three or four, and then tossed for it (proverbially of course) using a silver Norwegian crown (we couldn't find any proper money). The name Temple Of The Black Moon represents the rigorous worship of desire, (the black moon astrologically has always held association with the dark Goddess Lilith) and of course the ramifications of the lunar eclipse, always a herald for death and ill-omen."

Now I know a lot of you cannot speak the nu-metal language that is associated with anything regarding Cradle of Filth, so I ran that last paragraph through my ABME Elitist Speak Translator (ABME:E.S.T.) and provided a translation below. Yeah, you're welcome.

Translation:
We couldn't figure out which name to choose because they all looked retarded. Rob's submissions were nothing more than band names that had already been taken such as Machine Head and Emperor. It did not help either that King lied to us about being able to read. His illiteracy became apparent when he was unable to decipher the differences between the list of names on paper as he spent an hour just staring at it making low grunting noises every 10 minutes or so. We called him out when he finally pointed at the "Band Name List" title at the top of the paper and said that was his choice for the name. Essentially I (Dani) butted in and chose Temple of the Black Moon because the name sounds like some unused Cradle of Filth album title.








(Left: A fan made myspace "tribute" to this "super" group... Obviously made by a highschool aged girl)












Now lets take a second to dissect this "super group" member by member to see what is so "super" about it.

Dani Filth- Vocals: Best known for his receding hairline and dwarf-like appearance. The only member dumb enough to stay with Cradle of Filth since 1991. Also starred in a movie entitled Cradle of FEAR. The movie was allegedly banned in the UK for it's treatment of Dwarfs.

King- Bass: scorned ex-Gorgoroth member. Tried and failed miserably to take Gorgoroth from Infernus. Thrown out of the black metal scene in shame- only to join fellow clown Shagrath in forming Ov Hell. Still unable to understand the disgust coming from black metal fans, he then hammers the final nail into his musical career coffin by forming this band with Dani Filth.

John Tempesta- Drums: Random member of the band. Formerly of White Zombie. Currently in the cry baby goth band The Cult.

Rob Caggiano- Guitar: Known for being in Anthrax (post rap-metal era) while still unable to contribute any new and inspiring. Also known for producing some of the worst music known to man such as recent Cradle of Filth/Sahg/ill Nino nu-metal albums.






(Left:The bands target audience is estimated to be 95% overweight goth girls between the ages of 13 and 25.)






Despite all the brainwashed Hot Topic fan plea's; ABME predicts that this band will not be around too long. Remember the "black metal" super group Eibon? Of course you don't, but the band at one point or another featured Maniac, Fenriz, Satyr, Killjoy, and Phil Anselmo. Yep THAT Phil Anselmo from Pantera who has nothing to do with Black Metal. Turns out that due to Satyr causing some shit (most likely creative/money control issues), everyone left except for him. The band managed to put out one song and a few rough tracks before their demise. Twilight is another "super-group" that fell flat on its face. After putting out one mediocre (that is me being EXTREMELY nice) album, the band later reformed with a bunch of beardnecks and released a shitty disco album for their second release. If you ask me, Temple of the Black Moon's days are numbered.




(Left: Temple of the Black Moon need to take a note from "Super Group" history. Even if you do manage to make some music, it still is going to suck. Thankfully Eibon never took off.)



So with that said, the real choice comes down to you- the metal n00b. Will you run out to your local Hot Topic/Walmart and pick up the new Temple of the Black Moon album praising Dani Filth for his alleged "hotness" or King's "amazing musical capabilities"; or will ignore the embarrassing blackened slam-core release and give metal a fighting chance. I sure you hope you choose wisely...

Join me later on my page as we will be discussing interesting topics like Women in Black Metal III, weapons, Swedish black metal bands and much more!

Regards,
-ABME