Saturday, May 26, 2012

Soft Cotton, Slim-Fit, Fruity Pebbles Band Shirts

You all look like you caught Rainbow the Clown in a money shot sort of mood.
Way back in the summer of 2010, Shane Blay, lead chirpy riff player for Texas Christian douchecore outfit, Oh, Sleeper wrote an "eye-opening accounting" of how you don't actually make any fucking money when you're a touring musician. (Gasp!) He got so in-depth breaking down the costs and profits of touring in a van, that you'd think he wrote this under the impression that most of us didn't already realize performing metal made zero fiscal sense whatsoever. Regardless, I still think it's really worth a read. Especially for those of you young hopefuls, still out there with your B.C Rich guitars, playing your hearts out in the basements of the world, thinking you're ever going to amount to shit.

While there were a lot of noteworthy price points to consider in Blay's comment, which was originally posted during a debate about the subject on a Metal Sucks article; there was one particular cost and explanation of said cost for the members of Oh, Sleeper, that stuck out to me like a sore butt:

 "Merchandise is bough(t), printed, and shipped on the band(')s dollar. We print most (of) our shirts on American Apparel. They obviously offer the best fitting shirts, and kids are smart about looking good now(a)days. They won(')t sell unless you have slim fitting, soft shirts. The demand for better quality shirts from bands is higher (than it has ever been) in (the) last few years. 


 American Apparel shirts are very pricey to print. usually $7.50 a shirt. More for v-necks, 3/4 sleeve shirts, etc."


Alright fellas. Let's not say it all at once.

Two years is a long time, and I hope since that writing, Oh, Sleeper has made a big enough name for themselves to maintain a profitable enough line of v-neck shirts. (I'd be devastated otherwise.) So what's the point I'm trying to make here? Well, I focus so much on Oh, Sleeper's choice of merchandise not only because it solidly defines so well the pussy-face attitude of the current false metal scene, (gasp, you wouldn't catch me dead in one of those non-slim fitting, non-soft, non-American Apparel t-shirts!) but it also brings to light a very clear Violation in terms of heavy metal attire. I'm not exactly sure why I failed to bring it up sooner. I don't think you can draw a harder line in the sand between them and us, than by taking a good look at their merch in comparison to our merch.


First we'll take a look at the fake metal scenester's preference in color scheme:

Have you ever sat back and relaxed while you watched your pregnant wife or girlfriend painstakingly paint your future baby's room? It's always these light, soft, warm colors of green, pink, blue or yellow that are meant to look peaceful and promote harmony or some shit. As if that little ball of screaming, wriggling, shitting nerves she'll force out of her cunt is going to recognize or appreciate any of that fucking crap. For the first 3 years it will be too dumb to even know if it was aborted or not, and she's already trying to paint its room a color to its liking. Women...

Hey babe, I think you missed a spot.
Also, I hope you plan on picking all this shit up. 
Fake metal bands love to apply the same sort of cutesy, baby room color splash to their own merchandise. The color palette of an Emmure t-shirt also looks as if it were picked out by an overpaid, middle-aged, new mother with too much god damn money and time on her hands. Indeed, practically every shirt that a chug-chug riffing buttcore band prints these days, always looks like the same gag-inducing mess of bright blues, greens, yellows, purples and pinks. To add insult to injury, these offensive colors are often times, printed onto t-shirts that are not black. And therefore, not fucking metal. Soft colors for soft music.


Besides the gummy bear vomit coloration of every band shirt, here are some other key attributes you should look out for when properly identifying a poseur's favorite garb:

1. Inconsistent Band Logos


A band's logo is its most sacred emblem. It can define a band's genre and style with nothing more than a glance. The band logo is something pure, something that a band must be forever associated with, and there can only be one. How else would we as fans know what to draw on our notebooks, instead of paying attention to our overpaid, know-nothing professors? Overkill has had the same exact logo for 32 years and it will always look as brutal on the bathroom stall as it did yesterday. As we all know by now, however, scenesters hold nothing sacred. The holiest of musical genres is nothing more than their plaything, to be desecrated and fouled by their false ideals and musical atrocities. Band logos mean nothing to them, and they allow themselves to be as creative as they want in how the band's name is written on every different piece of merch. If only they could be this creative when it came to writing their shitty, cookie-cutter music...

2. Cartoony Artwork



Even if the picture on the band shirt happens to feature brutal imagery in concept (sharks, zombies, skulls, general monstrosities), these attempts at brutality are instantaneously voided when drawn to look like as if they belong in another ADHD-fueled episode of Adventure Time. Core kids, regardless of age or education, will always have the brains of children. The strength of this fact is only highlighted more by their preference for t-shirt images that belong in coloring books. Grow up and get a fucking job. 

3. This Has Nothing to Do with Your Music


After seeing this image, I listened to all of Attack Attack!'s albums in their entirety to see if I could find the song about an alien fighting a pack of wolves, because a song like that just has to be worth listening to. What I got instead was a whole lot of dick hurt feelings about a nameless ex-girlfriend (per usual), and a bunch of house music mixed with "metal" meant for people with hair in their eyes. I almost lost all hope in music and killed myself there on the spot. I took the 12-gauge out of my mouth, only when I realized how much some Norwegian high-schooler would really appreciate reading this article about how much I hate the stuff that other people wear. 

With all wars, knowing your enemy is crucial to your victory. The neverending battle against fake metal is certainly no exception. The good news for us is that it's not difficult to understand scene kids. They are about as one-dimensional as a person can get. The way their merchandise is designed may seem so bizarre, so unusual, so plain wrong and depraved, that good metalheads such as you and I might not ever want to understand it. Want to or not, the explanation all comes down to one simple concept: Irony. Yes, there's that word again. Literally every action a scenester takes in his or her life is done to be as ironic as possible. They are all fully conscious of the fact that their clothing, accessories, hair, music and overall demeanor is all completely fucking backwards and retarded. However, they think it's cool and edgy to dress themselves like they have down syndrome, and as we all know, being cool is the only thing that matters.

For example, regardless of how weak their music sounds to people with good taste, The Devil Wears Prada is convinced that their music is actually dark and heavy in some form or another. I know, it's totally batshit, but they're also devout Christians with tattoos, so they aren't the type to listen to reason. Heavy, dark music has always been associated with dark imagery, as any perusal through a worthy collection of metal album covers will reveal to you. In order to maintain their scenester allegiance to all things ironic, The Devil Wears Prada sells band shirts covered in neon-pink, cartoony images that have nothing to do with their music's subject matter. They do it solely because it's the opposite of what's expected from a band of their type. "Hey guys, we're a metal band, right? Wouldn't it be so fucking hilarious if we put out a t-shirt of a bright yellow cartoon monster vomiting neon pink tentacles and crying seafoam green?!" This is, without a doubt, the exact thought process of every metalcore band who prints a shirt like this.

Disclaimer: Civilized society frowns upon the act of hitting women, and so too will a jury of your peers. :(
The major paradox here is that baby blue band shirts with pink writing and cartoon characters are now the generally accepted norm for fake metal bands. Since it has become the expectation of their genre, it isn't ironic anymore, and therefore not cool. Due to the fact that scenesters have broken reality in such a way that irony itself is no longer ironic, there is literally nothing they can do to be cool kids anymore. This will cause their entire musical genre and following to deteriorate from the inside out. We have already won, my brothers. Our enemy being solely responsible for their own miserable defeat. I just can't wait until they all finally realize it, so all the bands similar to Like Moths to Flames stop selling albums and break up. 

So, with the candy-coated color scheme explained, now all that's left to consider is the cut and fabric of these t-shirts. As Shane Blay pointed out at the beginning of this post, if you're a band trying to sell merch, your stuff "wont sell unless you have slim fitting, soft shirts." Really? It won't? How about we ask Iron Maiden if they've had any luck selling some of their heavy cotton, regular fitting t-shirts lately?

Now sold in soft, extra soft, baby soft, and Miss May I fan!
Call it speculation, but there must be some major reason that all scene kids require of their favorite bands to only print t-shirts on the lightest, airiest, snuggliest, pillowy-softest cotton, ordered direct from American Apparel for top dollar. This is a wild guess, but is it safe to jump to the conclusion that you're just a bunch of pussies? Now, when I say a "bunch of pussies" I'm not talking about all of you. I'm only talking about just one of you. You yourself are a bunch of pussies. What should be a typical human epidermis, is instead replaced with this weak organic tissue stretched thin over your whole body, that can only be best described as a million tiny vaginas, raw and irritated as if fresh from a heavy period flow. The only way of relieving said irritation, is the numbing feeling provided by a tattoo needle drawing Japanese fish and flowers all over your skinny ass. You also need to wear fabrics that are as soft as possible, so as not to further irritate your freakish vaginal shell.

How exactly could a person's skin get so sensitive and frail? Perhaps it was from robbing your body of the precious protein it required, by making it suffer through a strictly vegan diet? Maybe all this exposure to weak music has taken a physical toll on your form, transforming you into a weak-skinned person? I guess we'll never really know for sure. This much I definitely can tell you: If you turn your nose up at regular, stiff cotton band shirts, in favor of cuddly, cushiony, fluffy, mushy, over-sized infant pajama t-shirts, then you're a little bitch.

If a fake metal band shirt isn't colored like a fruit roll-up or girl panties soft, then it will almost always be slim-fit. A slim-fitting t-shirt is definitely a necessity if your entire audience is comprised of either lanky, spaghetti-armed, 90-lb weaklings, or shameless attention whores whose curves have to be shown off for personal validation. 

Cute blouse, queef.
Instead of having straight sides and room for your body to breathe and flow with man-sweat, slim-fit shirts are specially stitched to tightly cling to every nook, corner and cranny of your torso. This cut is ideal for pencil-necked cunts who are too ashamed of how a proper band shirt looks like a giant pancho on them, hanging loosely off of their weak, meager frames. Slim-fit attire simply has no place within the brutal realm of us true metal masters. Our t-shirts require room for our potentially Manowar-sized moshing muscles, or (more likely) our savage beer guts. My beer gut alone would tear any slim-fit shirt asunder, regardless of its sizing, leaving it in tatters strewn across the ground. As if Hulkamania just freshly ran wild on it. Whether or not aforementioned gut was more attributed to a love of cake and a lack of regular exercise, rather than straight beer drinking, should not undermine its manliness or metalocity.

With that said, let us speak of how a band shirt should be:


First and foremost, no metal dude worth his iron would ever give two lily-shits about the comfort and softness of his band shirt. Even if manufacturers were to start using a fabric woven with reinforced concrete; so long as our favorite bands were featured on the shirts, we would still fucking wear them. Shit, I think we'd be way more likely to wear them... All kidding aside, a proper band tee is made of 100% stiff, black cotton. The stiffer the better, as these shirts are a means to protect us from the elements and our fellow moshers. Should your shirt naturally soften and fade over time from washing and wearing, so be it. At least your fabric's softness is the result of your own valiant efforts and illustrious lifestyle. It wasn't specially prepared that way beforehand, specifically for comfort-craving, entitled little cunts with too much of their parent's money to blow on "looking good now days". (sic) 

Let it be known that every band shall print their logos and artwork on a t-shirt of the purest color black. Not pre-faded black, not gray, not white, BLACK. Just like how you take your coffee if you're not a pussy. The more a band shirt is void of bright colors, the better. Band tees printed on t-shirts of colors other than black are an abomination. A black t-shirt is God; you shall have no other false color t-shirts before it. This divine truth applies to all, regardless of a band's supposed metalocity. No tolerance, no exceptions. 


The band name on your merch shall be written in your predetermined, official logo. You shall not write your band name in a generic running blood/slime font, hardcore-style jersey font, nor make it look like the title of a shitty B horror flick, nor write it in a whacky, swirly cursive type. If any of that describes how your band logo actually looks, fuck you, break up. Otherwise, the logo will appear on your t-shirts how it always has been and always will be; the same one logo you print on your albums, have featured in magazines, and share on your web page and social networking profiles. 

Logo consistency seems pretty minor, but I believe is key to your band's successful self-promotion. If I wore a green t-shirt with a cursive lower-case "s" on it, nobody would jump to the conclusion right away that it was a special kind of Superman shirt. I don't tell you this just because I have a stick up my ass about everything (guilty). I say it for your band's own benefit. If you use the same logo at all times, it will make your merch that much more easily recognizable. If I saw five dudes walking down a hall, side-by-side, all wearing different Bring Me The Horizon shirts, it would be really difficult for me to tell at first. They'd have to be close enough to see the whites of their eyes/purple of their highlights before I could even confirm it. I hard press you to have the same issue looking at five dudes all wearing Saxon shirts. Also, the Saxon fans probably won't be holding hands. No guarantee for the BMTH buddies...

Moral of the story, if a guy sees one Brymir shirt, he's gonna know it right away when he spots another one. This means it is more likely he will become curious about the band, check them out, and potentially become a fan himself. From there, he may buy his own shirt, with that same exact logo, and the cycle could repeat with someone new. Gas money for touring is precious, so you might as well do everything you possibly can as a band to try and make it for yourself.

Finally, all original artwork featured on your band shirts must be prepared by exceptionally talented artists, using darker shades of colors, and look either incredibly badass, gory, or both. True metal is a brutal, serious genre, only to be represented by imagery that is equally brutal and to be taken as seriously. If your band shirt features artwork of a dragon, that dragon should look majestic and fierce. The light of its fire breath should shimmer against its scaly armor as the village folk desperately flee, or a champion stands against it defiantly. What you shouldn't do, is have it be a neon green, cartoon dragon wearing shutter shades and a flat-brimmed cap, holding a PBR in its claws and giving the peace sign.

If you put that on a band shirt, I will bow and arrow you in the fucking mouth.

No compromises.
So, my fellow defenders of the faith; let us celebrate our toughness and acceptance of heavy black cotton, epic band shirt imagery, and defiance in the face of modern day fashion! These things are staples of our true metalocity, and a major contrast that sets us apart from all things false and scenester. It was well overdue for a mention on this blog, and I'm happy to finally address it properly. Raise your horns in protest, brothers! Let the regular-fitting sleeves of your dark black t-shirts dangle freely from beneath your raised arms! Praise be to our aegis of Anvil and Gildan variety, and cross our arms in disapproval at the hipster cloth of American Apparel and others like it. The poseurs shall destroy themselves, caught in a paradox of their own ironic tendencies, and we are to rejoice at their defeat.

There will be cake and beer at my place. 

 - Brenocide \,,/

86 comments:

  1. Fuck yes! There's not even anything to add to this, it's PERFECT, you covered the color scheme, the fit, and most importantly, the band logo, awesome! This has got to be my new favorite article on here, very well done. Fuck false metal and their cunty, brightly-colored, faggoty band shirts! May all of our true metal shirts remain BLACKER THAN THE BLACKEST BLACK, TIMES INFINITY. \,,/

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  2. I'm not giving my name to a machine5/26/2012 11:33 PM

    lol'd at them killing themselves cuz they stupid'd to death

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  3. Cake is unmetal. Bren = Poseur. (Unless, of course, it was made from the blood of slain corefags.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's actually marble swirl, but close enough right?

      Delete
  4. thefamilyghost5/26/2012 11:42 PM

    In a few short years, this will all seem like a bad dream. Ironic bands will be forgotten, ironic tattoos removed, gauged ears sown back together. The metal lives on.

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  5. I'm fairly certain Burzum had a red shirt before. Still not OK?

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    Replies
    1. It wasn't okay the moment you said it was Burzum shirt.

      Delete
    2. Nobody really listens to Bruzum anyway, they just wear the shirt because it's 'trve'or 'kvlt' or some shit...

      Delete
    3. oops, Burzum.

      Delete
    4. Anthrax has a white shirt with a cartoon skater. Is that false metal?

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    5. yes, anthrax is dumb.

      Delete
  6. Faceful of Kitchen5/27/2012 1:38 AM

    Soft cotton is annoying as hell anyway. It gets tight whenever you run it through the dryer, and you end up having to stretch it back into shape each time so that it fits properly again. The one soft cotton shirt I have (which I should specify is still regular fit, jet black, and from a legitimate metal band, namely Sortilege) is bad enough, I can't imagine a closet full of them.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, man. You could wear a man thong with the Sortilege logo, and it would still be metal.

      Delete
    2. Faceful of Kitchen5/27/2012 12:33 PM

      What a coincidence - that's also on the extremely short list of things that could ever make me seriously consider wearing a man thong.

      Delete
  7. Well, true story, but you got a fact pretty wrong: Emmure doesn't make those shirt. Maybe five years ago, but their shirts usually contain less than 3 colors and are pretty plain. http://www.impericon.com/de/emmure.html

    But whatever, I like that kind of colored puke shirts and I like that kind of plain evil shirts.
    And as a girl, those Heavy Cotton shirts are pretty shitty, when you're skinny bc. they look like a sack of potatoes hanging on your body. And the Heavy Cotton shirts for girls are so damn small, that I can fit my merely 50 Kilos only into a M. That's pretty sick, you gotta be skinny to fit into L and that really sucks for most girls.
    And because we don't want to look like a sack with no tits, we prefer Fruit of the Loom or American Aparell (or however to write that shit) shirts and the music industry adapts to that sometimes. Otherwise we had to walk around in fucking boring logo-shirts. Girls' shirts suck ass.

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    Replies
    1. Here's why you should actually look at the link you're about to send if you're going to try to argue with me:

      http://www.impericon.com/de/emmure-shark-grey-t-shirt.html
      http://www.impericon.com/de/emmure-ask-carolina-blue-t-shirt.html
      http://www.impericon.com/de/emmure-bomb-white-t-shirt.html

      So when you told me I was "pretty wrong", did you really mean to say I was "exactly fucking right"? Why do you people even bother?

      Delete
  8. Just make sure the design fits the size of the shirt. Tired of seeing knockoffs, but worse, knockoffs where the design only covers the top half of the damn shirt. Also, there is a legit 1% of shirts that shouldn't be black.

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  9. Suck my cock fagget. Emmure is fuckin hardecore. Atleast they have skill and success unlike your sorry fat ass. And (gay)kreator sucks btw. Die and suck my cock.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that big hard Kreator cock in my faggot little ass.

      Delete
    2. I'm with Bren, Kreator cock is best cock.

      Delete
    3. Kreator cock is shitty! It's all fucking old and wrinkly. Try sucking some Design the Skyline cock. Atleast they shave their balls so you can have a nice teabag with your cock. Design the Skyline is the best because they all let me take turns with them after their shows.

      Delete
    4. Sodom cock > Kreator cock

      Delete
    5. //Emmure is fuckin hardecore.//

      Ok.

      Delete
    6. Faggets suckning yer cock is totally hardecore. Emmure roolz. Limp Bizkit roolz too. Mad skill.

      Delete
    7. This whole webpage is a joke. Emmure fuKKing KILLZ IT.

      Delete
    8. You could write another post about band names- EMMURE is a fail that won't survive time- it has not bite, no hard edge consonants, its all vowels with some soft consonants- thats a fail way back when they named the band. IRON MAIDEN, ACCEPT, JUDAS PRIEST, MANOWAR, names with edge, bite and power - Emmure is what your sister would name her kitten, it sounds like purr. Band Name FAIL

      Delete
  10. JLU's irritated vagina5/27/2012 8:35 AM

    THANK YOU for writing this shit. Finally, my thoughts have been written in an article. The only thing I'd add, is that these puke color abortion shirts are finding their way on actual metal band's merch sites. Aborted for example: http://www.indiemerchstore.com/item/6392/, Dying Fetus (DF has never wrote a song about any of this shit): http://www.indiemerchstore.com/item/13908/, Revocation used to sell some pretty bad ones, and more bands I don't care to list. Point is, real metal bands need to knock this shit off.

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  11. I hope you realize that this style of shirt is seldom worn anymore. This was popular 3 years ago. If you are going to make fun of successful metal music, at least make fun of relevant things. Catch up.

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    Replies
    1. Really? Is that what GQ is saying?

      Delete
    2. That's what I am saying by experience. This style of shirt just isn't popular anymore. Make fun of hardcore, or pop punk bands. Khaki pants, and snapbacks.

      Delete
    3. Always good to be reminded that your type is so concerned with keeping up with the trends, just like we already knew you were.

      Thanks for the comments, dude. If there's anything else you can think of that will make you look even worse, please, don't be afraid to share!

      Delete
    4. No problem! I like some trends. Trends are good. You keep writing about stuff that bothers you.

      Delete
    5. Bothers me? Haha no way dude, this is like a love to hate sort of situation. I have a great time telling "successful metal bands" and their fans that they suck indefinitely. What I want you to keep doing, is commenting on web page posts that bother you. Then, make sure to babysit your comments so as to make sure you can defend yourself when the writer or somebody else says something mean to you in response. I look forward to your next comment and the constant minute-by-minute visits from you that will follow to ensure that you maintain the last word. I'm a naughty little slut for page views.

      Delete
    6. Yeah. You got me.

      Delete
    7. By the way i'd love to finger your butthole.

      Delete
    8. I see kids wearing those neon shirts all the time...

      Delete
    9. "I'm a naughty little slut for page views." oh breno you my fav. also I very much enjoyed this violation. my tally for colourful shirts set on fire in the street is at 7 at the moment, mainly because the core fucks avoid me and my jerry can nowadays so the burnings have slowed right up

      Delete
  12. My Suffocation shirt is black, green, and gray, not slim fit, and sure as hell not soft and I would not have it any other way.

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  13. Cmon guys im horny

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    1. The REAL Cyanide!5/27/2012 6:08 PM

      Fuck all you guys. I just got back from a business trip and see a bunch of faggots using my name! Go back to listening to shitty black metal so I can enjoy some Design the Skyline cock.

      Delete
  14. Python Regius5/27/2012 9:13 AM

    What about white T-shirts? They're uncommon now but were once prevalent. Only time you see them now is at GWAR concerts for obvious reasons.

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  15. Lol u guys r just fags bren is right if you click my name you will see why bren is always right.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Still spinnin'

      Delete
    2. ur gay nigger

      Delete
    3. Dear, Cyanide(Gay)

      You misspelled I ride the short bus.

      Fuck you, sincerely the world.

      Delete
  16. Hey, Bren, some of your readers are female, ya know. Some of us are even female people who simultaneously hate nurseries and love Kreator. (Regarding the way you address your readers as fellas 'n shit.)

    On the same note, girly or chick tees suck. I hate rib knit shirts. They wear out, and the look fucking stupid when there's a badass band logo on cute, fitted little tee with bunched sleeves. Just make normal cotton shirts in lady sizes. Is it that fucking hard?
    - S. diabolicus

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shouldn't you be in the kitchen making me a sandwich?

      Delete
    2. Candy Barf Colored Shirt6/01/2012 4:23 PM

      Shouldn't you be making a more original joke about women? Seriously, are you fucking twelve? I thought we all got over the kitchen joke around 7th grade so it's time to grow up. That being said, stop being a retard and focus on hating the ugly shirts, not people of a gender that you rarely hold conversations with.

      Delete
    3. personally speaking i like the kitchen. it's the best place to prepare a glaze for a roast suckling pig i just killed with my bare hands. also i like women being in the kitchen because then i get to look at them and their tits whilst gutting the pig. if you don't cook better with tits in your line of sight then you are fucking wrong in the head

      Delete
  17. hahaha "only when I realized how much some Norwegian high-schooler would really appreciate reading this article about how much I hate the stuff that other people wear."

    i love this website.

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  18. REAL Cyanide. Fuck you Finn and ToxicWaltz5/28/2012 7:27 AM

    Y dont you niggers just go back and masturbate to your black metal? An stop using my name for fuck sakes (or Sykes lolololol) your only making yourself look stupid and immature.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think this guy's mad.

      Also cool site Bren!

      Delete
  19. BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER

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  20. But where have you been? This has been going on for at least 5 years now.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I have a red Nunslaughter shirt, and Nunslaughter is metal as fuck. Also I think white can be an exception at times- but generally only when the text/imagery on the shirt is black.

    Otherwise everything you said is fucking right, but I'd like to add: NO FABRIC SOFTENER
    It takes the black out of your shirts!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Metal Up Your Nostril3/05/2013 1:11 AM

      To add to the fabric softener thing: DON'T SWIM IN A SWIMMING POOL WITH CHLORINE. My Sylosis shirt is now light gray.

      Delete
  22. This is a dead-on article, if your band's shirt can be mistaken for a Nicktoons or Spongebob Shirt, it's definately not metal.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Candy Colored Barf Shirt6/01/2012 4:18 PM

    Totally agree with this article brenocide, while working at a summer camp I've spotted these shirts on plenty of twerps running around, and I always have to ask. "What's with the horribly designed cartoony candy-colored monsters on your shirts?" They all look the same which certainly doesn't help distinguish any of these bands from each other, which was already hard to do since most of these bands' names are either half a sentence long or a whole sentence long and they're all chock-full of irony making them all sound indistinguishable from each other.

    ReplyDelete
  24. http://vinteeage.com/product-images/exodus-t-shirt-vintage-t-shirt-review-wolfgangs-vault-wolfgangs-vault-ZZZ001280-A-TM-1.jpg

    Important question-Does this qualify as metal or not?

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  25. Solid article as usual, but this really rustled my jimmies:

    "True metal is a brutal, serious genre"
    brutal
    BRUTAL
    nope.jpg

    Black Sabbath is "brutal"? Motorhead is "brutal"? Rainbow? Sir Lord Baltimore? Saint Vitus? Candlemass? Trouble? Pentagram? Kyuss etc? Or are they not true metal? Oh wait, I think I got it, silly me... You were talking about the »OTHER« true metal, like Brimyr or whatever the fuck they're called. Yeah, nothing screams "SEX, DRUGS & RnR" louder than a group of 20-something basement-dwelling, MMORPG-playing, faux-pagan, kissless, autistic virginfags no one's ever fucking heard of. Brutal... Gimme a break.

    Or were you simply trying to sound like Infidel Amsterdam? "Hey guis, I just got new (insert-random-shitty-blackened-death-metal-band-no-one-will-ever-care-about) album and it's really fuckin' broodl!"

    Your taste in metal fucking blows, it's on a par with the one of a 16-year-old dweeb who just got into heavy music and thinks Behemoth and Amon Amarth are good metal bands. Well guess what, they're not good, they're awful, they suck an immense amount of dicks and one day maybe you'll grow up and come to realize that. Just don't let it happen too late.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Need some ointment for your anus? Seems like you've developed a mighty rash there.

      Delete
    2. It's good to know that out of a 3,000+ word post I had written, only one of those words was enough to give you menopause. The bands you mentioned were plenty "brutal" for their time. Maybe not so literally, but don't argue semantics with me like a face-toucher.

      Believe it or not, MOST metalheads I know have an avid appreciation of extreme subgenres like black metal and death metal AS WELL as the more traditional subgenres; such as NWOBHM, thrash, and doom metal. At least the ones that have nothing wrong with them. They aren't typically 16-year-old dweebs, either. If anything, they were introduced to their love of heavy metal as 16-year-olds, listening to -- oh that's right -- the bands you mentioned. Funny how that works, huh?

      Hey, there's a thought: If you're "just getting into heavy music", wouldn't it WAY more likely be attributed to the likes of Black Sabbath and Motorhead? You know, the bands that get constant publicity, air time, and even t-shirt love from young celebrities; rather than a band like Brymir who "no one's ever fucking heard of"? How can I enjoy a band "nobody's heard of" if I'm "just getting into heavy music"? Explain your logic, because I'm just dying to understand how your own personal universe operates.

      I like your comment about "SEX, DRUGS, & RnR", by the way. That statement pretty much reveals you're the type who thinks Appetite for Destruction was a great album, and should probably get the fuck out of here.

      Finally, you should know that I'm familiar with a plethora of 16-year-old dweebs who argue by stating the file name of a commonly passed around internet meme. Just something to think about next time you decide to play this game.

      umad.jpeg

      Delete
    3. Can I give you a spoon so you can go scoop the sand out of your gigantic pussy and man the fuck up?

      Delete
    4. kingcarcas13498/11/2012 6:02 AM

      I sort of agreed, but then you went and took two popular bands and bashed them to try and look cool. Fail.

      Delete
  26. what a typical troll comment. figures, someone as unmetaly like you would post somethning like that. those kind of combacks were eighth grate level shit brah. go back to listening to brymir or whoever the fuck no one else knows, just so you can prove yourself. noumad.jpeg

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  27. You tell him, Genital Grinder. Just make sure you don't argue with any "eighth graters" in the mean time, I wouldn't want to see you get soundly schooled again.

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  28. Sean Stompasaurus Murderbottom6/05/2012 2:40 PM

    Ugh I hate you so much. I love my soft cotton. Metal is music, so why should you old people care. Metal changed. Now everyone considers Asking Alexandria metal because they ARE.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    (Guys don't worry. I'm being sarcastic. It's fun to make fun of these scene kids)

    ReplyDelete
  29. Dead on the money as usual. Right on my metal brother \m/

    It's my dying wish to have my corpse fucking desecrated and suspended on meat hooks to be used as artwork on a nice new Dying Fetus or Corpse shirt or some other. Actually I don't mind having it roasted in hellfire and being a prop on an Amon Amarth shirt either.

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  30. I went to a thrash metal show a couple years ago and some little twat in line outside the venue was wearing one of those poseur shirts. We made fun of him until he took it off and let us burn it.

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  31. Anvil t-shirts suck...

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  32. i`d love to wearing neon shirts!

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  33. TheTundraTerror7/14/2012 9:17 AM

    Things that aren't metal: Dressing how others tell you.

    Seriously? You're going to tell me how to dress? News flash, meathead! Dressing the way others tell you to is against the very foundation of metal's philosophy. It means dressing how ever the fuck you want and not giving a shit what others think about it. Not your mother, your 'friends', or some random blogger. You wanna wear a "soft cotton, slim-fit, fruity pebbles band shirts"? Have at it! Is it any more moronic than wearing my bullet belt? No! Dress however you want and rock the fuck out!

    Peace, bitches!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dress however you want, we're just giving you fair warning that you're a fucking poser.

      Delete
    2. kingcarcas13498/11/2012 6:03 AM

      And that he'll probably get jumped..

      Delete
  34. kingcarcas13498/11/2012 6:04 AM

    "or (more likely) our savage beer guts. "
    I'll drink to that!

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  35. This is an amazing post. I would never trade my "man fit" heavy cotton metal shirts for anything in the world!

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  36. THANK YOU FOR THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

    And to the fool defending Emmure up dere in da first couple comments, that's just SICK. Not the good sick either, just so you don't flatter yourself to make you feel better so you don't have to rub your face in a cloth of neon.

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  37. I agree with most of it, but unless you like your women overweight, most average weight and thinner girls would probably look better in the slim-fit shirts than in a loose, too-big shirt anyhow. The titless look is still disgusting. As a female, you aren't a teenage boy and the shirt that's two sizes too big for you looks(and for most of us, feels) awkward as hell. Though if you really like yourself in a large shirt then by all means do it, but I prefer my clothes actually fitting me and rather enjoy not being a Rosie-sized behemoth. I suppose if it's too big you can always desecrate the shirt with some self-done modifications. Sewing up the sides to make it thin enough sounds good to me.
    I can't really bring myself to give a shit about the material though, are there really that many people complaining about plain old cotton cloth? I can understand maybe having a preference for softer fabrics over more rigid ones, but to all out abhor and refuse to wear a typical cotton shirt "because it's too rough D:" is just ridiculous.

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  38. wank on my necrophagist1/01/2013 11:48 AM

    Has it come to the point wear we hate on metalheads wearing softer clothing now? Grow up guys. As for moshing, the real metalheads will be sweaty and topless in the pit, not standing clear and admiring the toughness of their clothing

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  39. emmure kills - metal sucks1/23/2013 1:48 PM

    that boris vallejo dragon with shutter shades had me in tears.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Wakaflokacooper6/11/2013 10:10 PM

    Would you pick on me for wearing a pink polo shirt to a whitechapel show?

    And also what bands exatly do you qualify as real metal?

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  41. I enjoy all the metal band cock, metal always manages to bring the cock lots of different flavours to suck

    ReplyDelete
  42. Fashionable tees became a staple of a man's wardrobe, allowing style-conscious gentlemen to express themselves through shirts sporting creative art and cheeky slogans and this is really a wonderful stuff in t shirts stuff.
    http://www.apparelnbags.com/anvil/4002-56-oz-50-50-jersey-sport-shirt.htm

    ReplyDelete

All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.