Poseur Mail Part 2: All Reading Comprehension Shall Perish

Ben Orum playing for a bunch of Disturbed fans in 2011 who didn't know music could get this heavy.

Here's a funny story for you.

So I wrote this obnoxious post a couple weeks ago; as I am known to sometimes do. The subject of said post was in regards to a one Andrew Baird, full-time drummer of San Francisco tech death outfit, Fallujah. There's a chance you might not be familiar with Baird or his band, as they're not exactly a top-tier metal act. They seem to have a decent following, and they're big enough to have albums and cool-looking t-shirts for you to buy, but they're still up-and-comers and they still struggle a lot. You'd expect any band this size to struggle, of course, but the lives that make up Fallujah legitimately suck. You see, Baird has been undergoing chemotherapy treatments for the testicular cancer he was diagnosed with a couple months ago. An incredibly unfortunate and shocking circumstance for a guy that looks like he's barely out of the womb and keeps himself in great shape.

So fast forward to the Summer Slaughter Tour contest. There were ten small time metal/core bands gunning for the chance to play as openers for this year's roster. Every band and all of their members were pleading desperately with their fans to go vote as soon and often as possible. Andrew, however, decided to take things one step further in his appeal. On the American Cancer Society Facebook page, Baird spilled his guts out. He spoke of his personal health and of how he desperately dreamed to play a tour like this one. I'll say that again; opening for fucking Cannibal Corpse was this guy's biggest dream. He definitely tried like hell to put himself out there with the point that because of his suffering, him and his band certainly deserved a good chance to make his wildest dreams come true.

As I'm sure you have figured, all hell broke loose.

It seemed like people couldn't line up fast enough to tell Baird and Fallujah how little of a flying fuck they gave about him and his problems to enhance their callous tough metal guy internet personas. (Good thing I don't know anybody like that.) I stood back and watched people's reactions in mind-numbing awe. This massive retard mob mentality of kicking this guy who couldn't be much more down, and for probably the silliest goddamn reason on the planet. People got extremely riled up over the idea that this dude's serious illness could possibly be corrupting the outcome of their little death metal contest.  

So I reacted to all of this controversy, the only way I know how to react to anything: like a sarcastic douchebag. The feedback I got for doing just that was mixed, the same exact way it always is. I'm not sure why I haven't shared this fact with you dudes until now, but I can easily organize every single one of my blog commentators into four major groups. They are as follows:

1. People who get it, and respond positively:
 "Dude, this is funny."
2. People who get it, and respond negatively:
"You are gay."
3. People who don't get it and respond positively: 
"Don't worry Brenocide, I don't have any friends."
4. People who don't get it and respond negatively: 

My first thought when reading the above comment was as follows: "I'm back, baby." Reaching musicians who are supposed to maintain a level of integrity and professionalism so as not to be reached, with my basic internet assclownery always produces sufficient lulz for me and my stupid chums. (All the one times it has happened.) Yet in this particular case, after those initial feelings of trollish success wore off, I was just left with this bad taste in my mouth; wondering how the guitarist of All Shall Perish could really be this dim of a fucking person.

Let's get one thing out of the way first; this may or may not be Ben Orum, guitar player from California deathcore giants, All Shall Perish. I need to at least acknowledge the possibility this could be a hoax. As one of my fellow metal brethren quickly pointed out to me with the following post, anybody in all of the internet could say they're a guitarist of reasonable fame, and then link to their band's official website as some ham-fisted attempt at validation:

If you click on his name, it takes you to the Van Halen website. It's gotta be him.

So there's insufficient evidence that this could truly be Orum, and I could be about to make an ass of myself. To the possibility that this isn't real, however, I say this: If this were all a hoax, I feel it's an elaborate enough one to be validated with my belief. Frankly, if you could pretend to be anybody on the internet, why Ben Orum? Where would you even get the idea to pretend to be him in order to spite me? I think All Shall Perish was brought up maybe one time on this blog, and I doubt even in a negative context. I didn't even know Mr. Orum's name until this guy introduced himself as such. It's completely out of the blue, and as someone who's seen a lot of smug, negative feedback in his day, this seems like a completely sincere piece of it. So from here on out, I'm going to give this poster the benefit of the doubt, and act as if I was truly responded to by Ben Orum, guitarist of All Shall Perish for the remainder of this post.


Then again, I sincerely believe that everyone who posts under the name "Anonymous" is just Richard Sjunnesson again, with nothing better to do, so this won't be too hard for me.

As a man of comedy, (whether I'm good at it or not) I feel strongly about the fact that if you start explaining the joke to everybody, then it's no longer really funny. I try to avoid, whenever possible, clarifying that of which is already perfectly clear to those of us with a working mental capacity. There is no legitimate reason, as far as I can see, that would make me have to point out how it is extremely obvious I am on Baird's side in that article. 


I realize you're probably a very busy man, Mr. Orum, what with your band doing a country-wide tour at the time of this writing, and you being a father and husband to boot. I should feel honored that you took the time to comment on my no-name blog, and in a warped way, I sort of am. I am eternally grateful that you graced me with some of your precious time, even if it was just to tell me of your disapproval. So I can't help but feel greedy by asking for even more of it. Maybe just five measly minutes, perhaps, whenever you have a moment to yourself. This time however, I implore you to try reading the fucking post, before opening your down-syndrome stricken, neck-bearded face. 

What's the first thing you see? How about me calling Walter White from Breaking Bad, arguably the baddest ass everyman anti-hero character in modern television, a faggot? In what realm of thinking could anyone look at that and consider it a sincere remark? But who knows, maybe you don't watch television... That's fine and all, but even if it were the case, anyone with a pair of brain cells to rub together would have no issue determining that my post was a satirical representation of one of Baird's attackers. All one has to do is carefully read some specific parts of the piece a little more carefully, and my intentions are clear. Certain sections, such as, but not limited to; the title, the introduction, the body, and the conclusion.


Come on, Orum. I expect better of you. I know you are capable of at least some basic cognitive skills. Jug-jug music though ASP may be, it still requires some pattern of rhythm. Otherwise, how would kids know which part of the song to bring the mosh to? Also, I can't argue that you don't understand good comedy. I mean, just look at this video of you riding around Wal-Mart in an electric shopping cart, sniffing panties:



One thing Rush Limbaugh seems to be getting here, that I'm not, (besides piles of money, as you so astutely pointed out) is the courtesy of being listened to before having an opinion formed about him. Granted, you don't have to hear out Mr. Limbaugh for very long before you understand what message he's trying to convey to everybody. I prefer to take a more subtle approach in the circumstance when I'm sharing my opinion on current events. I don't really expect to be successful where your English teachers have clearly failed you over the years, Orum, but you should look deeper at the words I was writing in that post. Don't just take it all at face value, but try and find evidence of some underlying message being delivered here. I bet you were one of those students, that when asked to write an analysis on Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried, you talk about how the author was referring to "their backpacks and boots and stuff". But hey, at least you wrote something right? "D" for "Diploma", baby! 

But perhaps I'm being too harsh in regards to your reading comprehension. After all, Andrew is your "good friend". Maybe you were so fed up with everyone's wave of cruelty towards him that you just saw my comments as more of the same, without thinking too much of it. So you rushed in here, heated over everything as it were, and started going off half-cocked because of it. You were just trying to stand up for your really close buddy, and I can't help but to completely respect that.

Actually, how about we take a look at how "good" of a friend you really are...

Remember when I said that the lives that make up Fallujah legitimately suck? I wasn't just talking about their drummer being diagnosed with cancer. No, that wasn't enough of a hardship for them to endure. Apparently not too long ago, the band's van ran over some black ice while touring through Wyoming, and the resulting accident left it completely totaled. Their band transport was destroyed and their lives as active musicians went with it.

Singer and graphic designer, Alex Hoffman's recollection of the accident. 

As you can tell by the above advertisement, the band is (as of this writing) holding a fundraiser on Kickstarter, so that they can afford a new means of transportation. Their expectation for the total cost of a running set of wheels and trailer to get them on their way? $2,500. That's it. That's all they need to get their lives as artists back on track. Despite their previous experience with doing so, they find themselves in a situation where they must appeal to the better nature of internet music fans to help them out. If they could do it on their own, I'd imagine they'd never try to ask. Depending on how much money you're willing to donate, the band is offering a variety of good-will tokens for your charity, from a 30-minute session of graphic arts tutoring with Alex Hoffman, to being taken out for dinner by the entire band if you live in the Bay Area.

So where's Baird's good friend Ben Orum in all of this? I checked the Facebook, Myspace, and official web page of All Shall Perish, and I didn't find a single mention of Fallujah's fundraiser whatsoever. Fallujah are facing possibly their greatest time of need as musicians and what would All Shall Perish rather talk to people about?

The new Facebook timeline feature works kind of whacky, so if ASP did happen to mention it in some fleeting status update, it's possible it's just not showing up for me. However, there's no reason the band can't permalink to the fundraiser on their official page or Myspace somewhere for everybody to see it, in order to better help their "good friends" as best they can. Do you know how I know?

Because I'm going to do it.

After I actually donate to their cause myself, in my right sidebar I am going to embed a Kickstarter widget to Fallujah's fundraiser until either the deadline is up or they reach their goal. I have never met Andrew Baird in my life. He lives on the opposite coast of me. I don't know him, I don't know what he likes, what kind of person he is; I barely know about what kind of music he plays. What I do know, is that I am a better friend to him than Ben Orum will ever be. Not only did I publicly go out of my way to raise awareness about his cancer and call out everybody for being a bunch of flapping labias for getting on his case about it, I'm also going to dedicate a space of my personal web page to help raise money for his band, so they can go back on tour as soon as possible.

Fallujah might not want or need my help, but they are going to get it. All because I need to prove a point; that point being that Ben Orum is a fairweather, unaccommodating, pathetic sorry excuse for a "good" friend if I ever saw one. After I donated to the cause, I looked to see if Ben Orum's name would at least be in the list of backers with a fairly generous donation. Much to my surprise, it fucking wasn't. The next time Andrew Baird catches Ben Orum in his hood again, he should put Orum in a rear naked choke hold with the "MMA skills" some dude threatened me he knew how to do, until Orum makes a face like this:

6/2/12 EDIT:

I was corrected by several sources that the photograph I used before at the end of this article was not, in fact, Ben Orum, but a completely different, former member of All Shall Perish. Realizing my mistake, I immediately found another photograph to use of Ben Orum on the internet. I apologize about any confusion, and hope this clears everything up. Thank you.
- Brenocide