Saturday, March 31, 2012

Poseur Mail Part 1: Stretched Wide Butthurt

Stop mommy! I think you're stretching it.
It's safe to say that I missed a tremendous amount of things about writing for TNM during my extended absence. (Web groupies, etc.) Yet during those several quiet months of inactivity, there was but one thing that I longed to do more than anything else: Answer my hate mail. For the entirety of my hiatus, my fingers did nothing but itch furiously for the chance to type out some swift internet justice once again. It has indeed been a long time coming, but I am happy to announce, my fellow Defenders of the Faith, that time has arrived. Six months of unchecked, unspent, wildcat-level aggression pent up in my psyche, left to boil and fester; about to be unleashed in an atom bomb of face-melting, butt-hurt creating mayhem. For those of you who know, you already backed the fuck up and battened down the hatches. For those of you who don't: This is Poseur Mail Saturday. Nobody gets out alive.

So before we really kick things off, I'd like to ease the tension a bit with a simple multiple choice question. Just keep in mind that there's only one wrong answer:

Tell me, what exactly about the following comment makes the most sense to be upset about:

"Nice gauges, faggot."

Is it:

a.) The use of the word "faggot" in this example is incredibly homophobic and crude.
b.) The comment is ridiculing a person for their own personal sense of self expression.

Reflect on those potential answers for a moment. In the meantime, I'm going to talk to you about something that happened during my absence regarding a post I wrote back in 2010...

So I'm fully aware of the fact, that even though there may be a time I am not actively updating this blog, that doesn't necessarily mean it goes anywhere. If I don't fail to re-register the domain, every word I have ever written and subsequently published for TNM is left permanently etched somewhere on the massive face of the internet. Unless I were to take steps to delete or edit said words, they maintain a constant presence in the world-wide-web; left there to be read, shared, and even commented on at any given time. When I look at it from such a perspective, it amazes me. To think, so long as I pay Google to host it, and so long as Google's Blogger remains an active service, the things I write here shall forever remain. There is one serious drawback to this however, and that's the fact that I'm left to defend every fucking word I've ever written since I started. 

Maybe it's just me, but when I want to write a comment on someone's web page, I first check and make sure that the subject is still fucking relevant. A lot of things can change in an entire year. People's opinions can be shifted, new facts can come to light, the subject at hand may no longer apply whatsoever. The date of every article I ever published hovers above said article in massive, bold, black print. It is literally the first thing you're going to read, even before the title. I couldn't hope to understand the mindset of these oblivious foreskin rubbers, who think it's well within their internet rights to write replies to a post that was written December of 2010, in November of 2011. There's like an unwritten statute of limitations on this shit. I don't feel liable for something I said two or three days ago, let alone one complete orbit around the fucking sun.

Granted, everything I said in my Gauges Violation still applies and will forever remain true... but that's beside the point.

Although I think it's starting to grow on me.

Now like I said, it's been a little while. I have completely forgotten, if I had ever known, where the source of this backlash originated. I'm going to assume that one of you trollish types saw it fit to drop a link to my article smack dab in the middle of some body modification, or A Day To Remember fan forum, to purposely initiate a severely negative response. If this be the case, to whomever responsible, I find your actions and your intentions to be highly commendable. Better late than never when it comes to internet venom, I suppose. Regardless of it being well past its date of prime potency, that shit will always sting.

Speaking of late venom, here's some members of said Amazonian tribe putting me in my place a year after-the-fact for knocking on their Grandpa Scare-Wear. I think it's time to give them a bitter aftertaste of their own late-to-the-game medicine.

See if you can spot the pattern:

Wow. What's it called again? I think I misheard you cuntards the first seven times. (We'll get to lucky number seven in a moment.) If all you parrots had the exact same shit to say, you think maybe your little scenester village could have agreed on sending just one intermediary to tell me what for? Better yet, could any of you idiot savants of body jewelry be bothered to look at the last comment before you, just to make sure that literally the exact same thing you were about to spend a good chunk of your precious mirror photo-taking time saying to me, wasn't already said four times prior? 

So yeah, I'll fess up: color me ignorant in regards to the complex world of digging ugly holes all around a person's face. I guess if I'm not a total expert, I have no right whatsoever to speak on a subject. The brash audacity of me to be calling it the wrong thing this entire time! I mean, where the fuck would I even come up with such terminology? Where would I get such an idea? I must have just completely made it up on my own:

Courtesy of 
But don't go there, they don't know what they're talking about.

But you know what? I'm going to take this obnoxious semantics debate a step further. It's not called ear stretching. No it's not. You are fucking wrong. Even if it's "technically correct" by creepy, handsy, tattoo artist standards, I refuse to accept that term, or ever use it. Focus the big holes in your ears put there by nature for listening, as opposed to the ones put there by you for creeping out old people, and walk away with this piece of mind:

I will never let you attention-seeking, parent shaming, teenage-brained, products of a misused condom have the word "stretching". That is not your fucking word. I stand before all of you as the last known defender of the English language. Perhaps I misuse her with my sub-par grammatical skills, and admittedly limited vocabulary. At least I'm not some sadistic rapist bent on destroying what little innocence she has left. Now for a reason that's seemingly unrelated, take a look at this child making a silly face:

Remember it well, because this is what your defeat looks like.
What is "technically" happening to his ears right now? Give up? They're being stretched. He is grasping his ears with his fingers, pulling them outward, and the natural elasticity of the human ear is allowing him to stretch them temporarily into a different shape. I don't know about you, but I don't see any tunnels or hockey pucks. I also don't hear any fucking Motionless In White playing. Score one for me. You are not allowed to call it "ear stretching", because that is too general a term to be used for something that is an obnoxiously specific act.

Also, let's just admit this much: wrong or not, "gauging" actually sounds cooler. It's like I'm almost helping you misfits out here. Who gives a shit if it's technically the "wrong terminology"? Haven't you dipshits ever heard of a "misnomer"? Misnomers are not only incredibly common, but generally accepted by every member of society who people want to be around. Try and figure out what that feels like for once. Believe it or not, I have heard people call the Australian marsupial a koala "bear", without feeling the insane urge to mastur-hate all over their faces for it. If I can accomplish as much in that regard, you can let it slide when someone calls them "gauges". 

Either that, or we can just all agree to call it what it really is: Making yourself look douchetarded.

Thanks Chad, after we're finished with this koi covered in flowers, remind me to schedule that appointment with you to get my ears douchetarded next Tuesday!  No, don't worry, I don't have work. LOL!

So I think what you really meant to say sweetheart, is that you have not one, not two, not three, but zero respectable jobs. You sell Blood on The Dancefloor t-shirts, you assist an organization that sells religious propaganda to people, and in your spare time, you brainwash little kids with the holy word of "the Lord". You're perfect for the latter job, I must admit. You've got this young, hip, and edgy image going with your gauges and crayon colored hair, so you can appeal to the rebellious nature of America's youth and make them think you're on their side. Meanwhile, you nonchalantly feed them lies. That's quite the résumé. I should also let you guys know that Amanda was nice enough to link me to her Tumblr when leaving this comment. I'm not going to tell you outright to go say hello and give her your regards. That would be rude of me. While casually looking through the blog she invited me to check out, I stumbled upon the fact that she'll be getting married this May at the perfectly capable and ready age of 19 in front of her face-palming father. Congratulations, Amanda! 

To getting divorced in two years!
The fact that you have three not-really-respectable jobs with minimal pay (if any), does very little to convince me that the way you made yourself look isn't a factor in terms of your "success". Also, it's going to do you a lot of good to find out sooner rather than later: that's not how discrimination laws work. Once you get your hands on the employee handbook of an organization other than Hot Topic, you'll find out that we're not talking about age, race, color, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, religion, national origin or disability, which are all protected by law, but something completely unrelated, known as dress code. While it probably requires some form of mental disability to consider getting it done, it's still an accessory you made the sound choice to get on your own. That's not on corporate America to deal with, that's on you. If you don't adhere to a dress code, it is within the rights of every company in America to fire you, or not hire you in the first place. Deal with it.

Now there's an inspirational quote for the ages:

"If you work hard you can still acheive anything. that is of course if you dont come into contact with narror minded pricks"
- Anonymous

A thing of pure beauty, Anon, if I do say so myself. Almost as gripping as your rebuttal to how I stated that "stretched ears" only came from "Africa". What was your first example of an ear gauging custom that took place outside of Africa, again? Oh, that's right, it was Egypt. I'm embarrassed to admit that I forgot which world continent Egypt was part of. If you could go check on a world map for me in your spare time and refresh my memory, it would be greatly appreciated.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, and it seems to me like that's happening a lot in this particular case, but I believe I began my article with the phrase "Straight out of the Amazon..." It's already apparent that I'm a bit rusty when it comes to my grade school geography, but could you remind me again which part of Africa the Amazon is located?

Never mind, I found it. 
All jabs aside, I think this has been all-in-all, a valuable learning experience for me. No matter how you look at it, it really is just my own personal opinion to detest ear gauging. In the future, I know now it's best to keep these hurtful things to myself. Especially if I don't have a concrete understanding of the terminology and the cultural significance behind it all. Before today, I used to believe that mutilating your ears in such a fashion would most certainly be career suicide. However, young Amanda and Anonymous have proven the exact opposite to be true. Indeed, gauges or no gauges, if you work hard enough and walk the straight and narrow, you can be anything you want to be in life. Even if that anything is a manager at Hot Topic or Home Depot. 

Shoot for the stars, kids.

Tune in next time for Part 2: All Reading Comprehension Shall Perish. Coming soon!


  1. Oh my god. Who cares about the rest of your content, you called out idiots for calling it a koala "bear." I can officially love you forever now.

  2. Infidel/Ed has gauges now, though he covers the hole with another a massive ear ring. Still bad?

    1. boyoyoyoyoyoiiiiiiiiiiiiiing3/31/2012 5:39 AM

      of course because infidel is one of the most disgusting, false derptubers on the planet and he is beyond redemption

    2. Yeah, and Infidel/Ed has several times gotten butthurt over usage of the term "poser", and regularly wears a cannibal corpse T-shirt. So he's no longer metal enough to be used as a standard.

    3. After a bottle of Marer's Mark, I might fuck Amanda. if she promised not to talk during.

  3. I have 8 piercings and dear lord.. I would never gauge a single one. The thought makes me shiver. I openly admit that I'm not metal but when I go to a death metal show and see tons of those idiots, ugh, I just want to bash their heads in. They're the hipsters of the metal scene.

  4. I don't *ever* fucking "Lol", but I am most definitely sniggering mightily at divorce-in-two-years. Ah, Amanda, dear girl!

  5. Infidel may be a pretty cool guy, but he has some pretty unmetal shit going on about him. So don't regard him as some kind of role model for true metalocity

  6. I have stretched ears, and this article made me laugh. Why can't more people be like me...

    1. I wanna stretch them too and it also made me laugh! We are two now! xD

  7. Well written!

  8. I have a gauged... er... stretched dickhole so I can frost cakes with my jizzwad.

  9. Ignorant American Cunt3/31/2012 2:50 PM

    Why the fuck do people even call it a Koala Bear. It doesn't even look like a fucking bear.

    1. That doesn't mean it's not a bear you ignorant american cunt.

    2. Stop fucking using my name without permission.

  10. WTF has happened to the blog? It was OK yesterday but now it's got a really... unmetal background and an auto-play soundcloud clip at the bottom of the page.

  11. They told me I could be anything I want - so I became a potato bear.

  12. Nice April Fools Day prank with the background.

    1. Oh... that explains it. God I'm dumb.

  13. It's odd, because inching is a term.

    1. kingcarcas13494/19/2012 3:37 AM

      Can someone tell me what suckdude is?? Glad i have flashblock, but i couldn't find a description.......

  14. I loved the first part. Nothing aggravates me more then having people comment on a post from a year or more ago. Most of the time I've forgotten about it until some jackass comes across it in their Googling adventures. also, i like the referencing of other cultures when defending this practise of inserting air hockey pucks in the ear.

    None of you are from any of those tribes, assholes.

  15. Yes! Thank you! Such intense hate and rage toward people who totally deserve to be raged at.
    Fucking poseurs, nice try using what must be your limitless technical grasp of language and vocabulary. "Calling it 'gauging' is the same as saying 'inching' or 'millimetering'". No, it's not. Inches and millimeters are units, but the word "gauge" refers to size. You can't have four and a half gauges. Not that it matters, because as Bren points out, it's a colloquial misnomer.
    - S. diabolicus

  16. gauging sukks. this blog is good.

  17. Thoughts on the new Eluveite album?

  18. You fucking idiot. You're using the wrong terminology again, it's not "butthurt" it's anal pain!

  19. I had a list I wrote in 2005, and last year someone ripped on it for forgetting to include an album from 2007, and another from 2010.

  20. Foolish Anon! Tis not "anal pain"! The latest edition's glossary has clearly re-written the term as: "Severe rectal agitation".

  21. "us modified people"
    You think you're a freaking cyborg or some shit ?

  22. Also, Brutal, it's actually "Achage in the Rectal Region".
    Refer to

  23. Honestly Brenocide. I know you think your not only the saviour of Metal, but every aspect of cultured and educated society, but you sound like a little rich girl who just realised that she can't buy the friendships of all the other kids, because she is a condescing, vain, and overbearing prick who judges everyone excepgt herself. I know it must make you feel really sad when the mean internet people don't say nice things about you. However, these people represent the negligence of global educational institutes. These complete retards, who think that doing the exact same thing as almost all your friends makes you an individual and shows how much different from everyone they are. They have almost no knowledge of anything, and their fields of expertise involve gossip, menial labour while thinking that they are the very glue of our society (because we could not survive with one less Dumbass wiping grease off the floor at a FAst food chain), and conforming to the stereotypes of entire culture in a desperate attempt at affirming their individuality. Their whiney little comments about their culture (which, as always, is plagued with ignorance) should mean very little to a "True Metal Warrior!"

    Now I am not a typical metalhead, but I do have a fully functioning brain and all my self-respect (unlike almost every politician in any devoloped country). Through my travels to learn the ways of the world, I have picked up on a very simple trick to imit your frustration, homicidal tendecies and barbaric threats on your life. That is to pick your battles. You can try and teach a bird to swim through the Ocean, but when it comes down to it, it'll fly. In the same way, you can teach a retarded "individualist" self respect, but in the end, they will destroy their bodies and minds to copy millions of other people in their desperate attempts at being an individual. It seems as thugh, deep down, you are unsure of yourself. Perhaps, you may be thinking, Gauged ears are cool and I am, not only wrong with my terminology, but in trying to force my opinions on others.

    I will help you with your insecurities. You are right. They are stupid and people should avoid them. That doesn't mean yu have to defend yoursef against sexually deprived retards who don't need you to butt hurt them because they do it all by themselves. This site was made in attempt to educate people, and you did just that by telling people that gauged ears are stupid. Don't ruin it by second guessing yourself.

    Yours in faith
    Somebdy better then you

    1. Infidel Amsterdam's mother4/12/2012 10:50 AM

      Nice try Richard.

    2. Dear "Somebdy(sic) better then(sic) me",

      Choosing battles? You must be new.


  24. I like how the "Somebody better THAN you" comment made absolutely no sense at all.

    My favorite part of the comment was the "You can try and teach a bird to swim through the Ocean, but when it comes down to it, it'll fly."

    What exactly are you trying to prove here. That people with GAUGES are birds who try to be different and swim in the ocean, but eventually just go back to being like everyone else and fly? Are you under the age of 13? Why are you so upset by this article?

    The only one with insecurities I see here is you. I hope you will do better in life and learn to READ THE ARTICLE before commenting.

  25. kingcarcas13494/19/2012 3:40 AM

    So we are supposed to believe that one chick is a part of a tribe and is "more beautiful, richer" better than all of us? Awesome. Hot Topic and Christianity, probably the most un-metal combos of jobs you can have lol! And as you said, how the fuck would you even know they didn't hire you because of it? Getting married before 25 also increases the chances for failure. The rest are just a bunch of psst off scenewhores, who cares.

  26. Hah penis-ears are fucking gross. Anyone who deliberately puts massive holes in their ears or faces deserve every strange look or snarky comment they get.

    If you don't want to get shit on, then remove the target from your chest. Simple as that.

  27. The correct procedure when you see someone with gauges is to sneak up behind them, sneakily lock a padlock through the gauge hole thing then run away giggling maniacally.


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.