Internet Tough Guys Put Fallujah Pussy with Cancer in His Place

FAGGOT.

So recently there's been a pretty big stir in heavy metal land about some sniveling, frail little cunt hair who will only be referred to as the drummer from Fallujah from here on out, because he's too much of a fart-stain pea-dick shit smear to deserve a man's fucking name. Andrew Baird is a name reserved only for a real, man's man, with manly intentions and who partakes commonly in manly activities. An "Andrew Baird" is the kind of guy with severe five o'clock shadow, shopping for groceries at 6 PM right after he got out of work so he can feed his middle class income family their mediocre dinner. Specially prepared by his unappreciative wife. Not you. You are the fucking drummer from Fallujah.

So why exactly does the drummer from Fallujah deserve this blood-soaked tsunami of hate crashing upon him with unrelenting force? Let me tell you, but sit down first bro, because you're gonna be so pissed:


He has cancer.

I know, FUCK HIM, right?


To give you a little more backstory on this atrocity, the promoters of the Summer Slaughter 2012 Tour decided to do something a little different this year. (Or maybe they always do this, I don't keep up with shit. It took me 5 months to write anything.) They held a contest where metal fans voted for one of several different up-and-coming metal acts, to give them the chance to perform live on stage with such widely respected, big name death metal groups as -- Periphery? Well anyway, the band that garnered the most votes would obviously be the one chosen as the opening act for the tour.

Pictured from left to right: Fallujah guy, Fallujah dude, Fallujah other guy, Alex Hoffman, Fallujah drummer.

Let's be honest, here... My buddy and I could grab some down-tuned guitars, make some phone calls, and probably easily find ourselves opening with a 15-minute set for most of the bands on this year's roster. But what the fuck, right? Let's make a game show out of music! The list for the bands to vote for, went as follows:

I DECIDE ... ! ... to not go.

Before you all feverishly rush over to the Summer Slaughter facebook page to cast your vote for Battlecross like you were already supposed to; I regret to inform you that the polls for potential openers have since closed, and a winner was already chosen. Whether or not Battlecross will be featured on a future contest to find a proper headlining act for the tour... who can say? So before the contest's conclusion, each band was dutifully reminding their fans to cast their votes, as anyone would expect of them. Self-promotion is key in making it as a metal band, after all. Opening for a tour this big would almost -- maybe -- not really -- guarantee you $100 in merch sales each night you play; which you can then give a good chunk of to your band manager, the venue for merch fees, take out the $50 cost to order the shirts you sold, and leave you with... well, whatever money you saved up and brought with you beforehand to pay for gas, because you just love playing metal that much.

Getting your name out there is important, but at what such cost? We all know there are lines you can cross when promoting your band to music listeners. The drummer of Fallujah drew that line hard in the sand, then leaped over it at an inhuman velocity that allowed him to successfully orbit the entire planet just so he could cross it twice over again. An amazing feat when considering the fact he's probably dying. These are the words, straight from this slimy motherfucker's mouth, followed by some very deserved thrashing:

Anyone who crosses you took a wrong turn, Ed. 

Fallujah drummer's fatal flaw in writing this desperate plea to his fans, was essentially that he attempted to appeal to everyone's better nature. What he failed to realize, and had to find out the hard way, is that metal fans totally lack a better nature. We forsook it years ago when we heard our first Venom album. Either that, or the album of a subsequent poseur band trying to be as evil as Venom. Sympathy is a concept far beyond our realm of understanding. The only way you, as a drummer, could help your band win this contest and land this gig is if you play blast beats that are louder and faster than the next band. Period. Trying to sway our opinion in any other fashion whatsoever makes you nothing short of an incredible fagadouche. 

I don't give a fuck if your mother and you cried when you heard the news. I couldn't give a handful of teenage tits if you're sick, scared, and you're not sure if you're going to live long enough to see another chance like this. Me and the rest of the internet are going to hawk an enormous, collective loog all over you and your sad, sickly balls for pulling this shit. It's also extremely easy for us to do, since clearly not a single one of us has a right fucking clue what you and your loved ones must be going through right now. Death metal music is the only thing in the universe that matters. Oh, and also the outcome of this contest, I guess.

Needless to say, the backlash was immense. Fallujah fans and haters alike just simply couldn't pass up the opportunity to look like cold hard badasses in front of all the other internet commandos, by telling this guy they didn't give a shit about his cancer, and also that he was a cunt for even bringing it up. A grand majority thought he was just making it up just to get on the tour. In the first minute and a half of this video, for example, our loyal metal true blood Cover Killer Nation tells it like it is:



I don't know "exactly what the fuck happened" either, Cover Killer. You see folks, indifference is the deadliest weapon in a metalhead's arsenal, (second only to air guitar) simply because it is the most deceptive. Metalheads will always act like we're indifferent, misinformed, or don't give a shit about the bands we don't like, but therein lies the greatest paradox: we always seem to be putting a fair amount of effort into telling you we don't care. I often get comments about how nobody gives a shit about what I think, but if that was true, why the fuck are you writing to me about it? In this case, not "giving a crap" about Baird and his cancer problem is best seen in recording a vlog about the issue.

So after the wave of web hate, the band quickly pulled down poor Andy's modest appeal from Facebook, most likely sickened themselves by the fact that their drummer was such a savage rapist of metal morality:

Testicular what again? Fortitude?

Despite their feeble attempt to repair the irreparable damage done to their reputation, Fallujah is still being mocked world wide as a bunch of pity party throwing pussies to every metal fan who still cares about the integrity of their genre, and ultimately ended up losing the contest anyway. Was it really worth it guys? What in satan's name the drummer was thinking trying to get people on Fallujah's side with this promotion of his sickness is well beyond me. I mean, after all, this is just cancer we're talking about. It's not like it ever killed anybody, or affected people who matter.

Listen, I'm all for getting your name out there, and even appealing to the masses to help your band out in particularly tough times. However, there's appropriate and inappropriate ways to go about it all. Hopefully Fallujah as a whole and its individual members learned a lot from this experience. There are indeed totally respectable ways to promote your metal band and come out on top in any future contests such as these... 

Working off the novelty of a chick singer is only one of very many.