Friday, March 23, 2012

Internet Tough Guys Put Fallujah Pussy with Cancer in His Place

FAGGOT.

So recently there's been a pretty big stir in heavy metal land about some sniveling, frail little cunt hair who will only be referred to as the drummer from Fallujah from here on out, because he's too much of a fart-stain pea-dick shit smear to deserve a man's fucking name. Andrew Baird is a name reserved only for a real, man's man, with manly intentions and who partakes commonly in manly activities. An "Andrew Baird" is the kind of guy with severe five o'clock shadow, shopping for groceries at 6 PM right after he got out of work so he can feed his middle class income family their mediocre dinner. Specially prepared by his unappreciative wife. Not you. You are the fucking drummer from Fallujah.

So why exactly does the drummer from Fallujah deserve this blood-soaked tsunami of hate crashing upon him with unrelenting force? Let me tell you, but sit down first bro, because you're gonna be so pissed:


He has cancer.

I know, FUCK HIM, right?


To give you a little more backstory on this atrocity, the promoters of the Summer Slaughter 2012 Tour decided to do something a little different this year. (Or maybe they always do this, I don't keep up with shit. It took me 5 months to write anything.) They held a contest where metal fans voted for one of several different up-and-coming metal acts, to give them the chance to perform live on stage with such widely respected, big name death metal groups as -- Periphery? Well anyway, the band that garnered the most votes would obviously be the one chosen as the opening act for the tour.

Pictured from left to right: Fallujah guy, Fallujah dude, Fallujah other guy, Alex Hoffman, Fallujah drummer.

Let's be honest, here... My buddy and I could grab some down-tuned guitars, make some phone calls, and probably easily find ourselves opening with a 15-minute set for most of the bands on this year's roster. But what the fuck, right? Let's make a game show out of music! The list for the bands to vote for, went as follows:

I DECIDE ... ! ... to not go.
Before you all feverishly rush over to the Summer Slaughter facebook page to cast your vote for Battlecross like you were already supposed to; I regret to inform you that the polls for potential openers have since closed, and a winner was already chosen. Whether or not Battlecross will be featured on a future contest to find a proper headlining act for the tour... who can say? So before the contest's conclusion, each band was dutifully reminding their fans to cast their votes, as anyone would expect of them. Self-promotion is key in making it as a metal band, after all. Opening for a tour this big would almost -- maybe -- not really -- guarantee you $100 in merch sales each night you play; which you can then give a good chunk of to your band manager, the venue for merch fees, take out the $50 cost to order the shirts you sold, and leave you with... well, whatever money you saved up and brought with you beforehand to pay for gas, because you just love playing metal that much.

Getting your name out there is important, but at what such cost? We all know there are lines you can cross when promoting your band to music listeners. The drummer of Fallujah drew that line hard in the sand, then leaped over it at an inhuman velocity that allowed him to successfully orbit the entire planet just so he could cross it twice over again. An amazing feat when considering the fact he's probably dying. These are the words, straight from this slimy motherfucker's mouth, followed by some very deserved thrashing:

Anyone who crosses you took a wrong turn, Ed. 
Fallujah drummer's fatal flaw in writing this desperate plea to his fans, was essentially that he attempted to appeal to everyone's better nature. What he failed to realize, and had to find out the hard way, is that metal fans totally lack a better nature. We forsook it years ago when we heard our first Venom album. Either that, or the album of a subsequent poseur band trying to be as evil as Venom. Sympathy is a concept far beyond our realm of understanding. The only way you, as a drummer, could help your band win this contest and land this gig is if you play blast beats that are louder and faster than the next band. Period. Trying to sway our opinion in any other fashion whatsoever makes you nothing short of an incredible fagadouche. 

I don't give a fuck if your mother and you cried when you heard the news. I couldn't give a handful of teenage tits if you're sick, scared, and you're not sure if you're going to live long enough to see another chance like this. Me and the rest of the internet are going to hawk an enormous, collective loog all over you and your sad, sickly balls for pulling this shit. It's also extremely easy for us to do, since clearly not a single one of us has a right fucking clue what you and your loved ones must be going through right now. Death metal music is the only thing in the universe that matters. Oh, and also the outcome of this contest, I guess.

Needless to say, the backlash was immense. Fallujah fans and haters alike just simply couldn't pass up the opportunity to look like cold hard badasses in front of all the other internet commandos, by telling this guy they didn't give a shit about his cancer, and also that he was a cunt for even bringing it up. A grand majority thought he was just making it up just to get on the tour. In the first minute and a half of this video, for example, our loyal metal true blood Cover Killer Nation tells it like it is:



I don't know "exactly what the fuck happened" either, Cover Killer. You see folks, indifference is the deadliest weapon in a metalhead's arsenal, (second only to air guitar) simply because it is the most deceptive. Metalheads will always act like we're indifferent, misinformed, or don't give a shit about the bands we don't like, but therein lies the greatest paradox: we always seem to be putting a fair amount of effort into telling you we don't care. I often get comments about how nobody gives a shit about what I think, but if that was true, why the fuck are you writing to me about it? In this case, not "giving a crap" about Baird and his cancer problem is best seen in recording a vlog about the issue.

So after the wave of web hate, the band quickly pulled down poor Andy's modest appeal from Facebook, most likely sickened themselves by the fact that their drummer was such a savage rapist of metal morality:

Testicular what again? Fortitude?
Despite their feeble attempt to repair the irreparable damage done to their reputation, Fallujah is still being mocked world wide as a bunch of pity party throwing pussies to every metal fan who still cares about the integrity of their genre, and ultimately ended up losing the contest anyway. Was it really worth it guys? What in satan's name the drummer was thinking trying to get people on Fallujah's side with this promotion of his sickness is well beyond me. I mean, after all, this is just cancer we're talking about. It's not like it ever killed anybody, or affected people who matter.

Listen, I'm all for getting your name out there, and even appealing to the masses to help your band out in particularly tough times. However, there's appropriate and inappropriate ways to go about it all. Hopefully Fallujah as a whole and its individual members learned a lot from this experience. There are indeed totally respectable ways to promote your metal band and come out on top in any future contests such as these... 

Working off the novelty of a chick singer is only one of very many.

44 comments:

  1. thefamilyghost3/23/2012 4:48 PM

    Poor guy

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  2. Well said. I can't add anything much to that.

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  3. However much I hate a band, I can't wish ball cancer upon any man.

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  4. Wow, the dude didn't even say "get me on the bill because I have cancer." He simply just posted on the site that he had cancer, hence his posting there appropriately, and that he was in a band and votes would help there cause. For petes sake, he said it would be a "dream come true", how're you gonna shoot down a kids dream like that? What if he had posted there just saying "vote for my band!" That would've been even worse, because he would've been spamming without any relation to the group. Your post is helping to blow this out of proportion. Maybe Andrew shouldn't have done it, but you shouldn't have posted this article either. And calling him a faggot, and making sexist remarks concerning his name are stupid, prejudiced, and flat-out unnecessary. This was my first time visiting this website, and will most likely be my last. There are plenty of other metal websites on the net who know how to write about stories like this in an appropriate and adult fashion. Oh, and they also know how to write proper paragraphs.

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    Replies
    1. Python Regius3/23/2012 7:24 PM

      tl;dr Anon is a whiny shit stain and Andrew Baird is a stupid bitch.

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    2. thefamilyghost3/23/2012 7:54 PM

      Anon, you got trolled hook, line, and sinker. Read it again and maybe you'll understand what Bren is really saying.

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    3. Oh, friend, you really should have stopped before you criticized his paragraphs. You clearly don't understand this blog, but if we're feeling generous and disregard that fact we could say that you almost had a decent point. Then you had to take that final jab and out yourself as a complete idiot. One of the things I like about this blog is that this dude can fucking write well, but your comment is a grammar and punctuation nightmare. (ex. "help there cause" should be "help their cause", and "how're" is not an accepted contraction)

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    4. I caught that grammatical error after I posted and definitely felt like a huge hypocrite, so touché. Also, find me a source stating "how're" is not acceptable, if you would be so kind.

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    5. Also, @thefamilyghost, maybe I did get duped. The only internet metal troll I really catch onto is Sergeant D.

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    6. Damn! Did you just recognize and admit you were wrong (about grammar and grasp of sarcasm)?! Fair enough. You're not a complete idiot.
      And I just think "how're" looks stupid because I don't think I've ever seen it before. Also, spell check tells me so.

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    7. Spell check knows less than me, but I'm 1337 at grammar. It's fucking annoying to get a word correct but the dictionary just isn't large enough to have included it. It's even worse on phones. What a cool affliction to have, eh?
      How're is completely acceptable, although more spoken than written if one has to accept that it's use is biased to certain situations. The internet confuses the two, often, so valid it is! Example: "How're you fuckin' doing? Still a prick? Good, good."

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  5. Have you ever seen Andrew? I met him when they came through, he is ripped as fuck, doses MMA and that Israeli martial arts shit. If I could be of any guidance, I'd say the Gus behind this article should watch their mouths.

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    1. Yeah, because a very ill dude with cancer who has a public image to withhold (although it appears he has ruined that unfortunately) is going to beat the shit out of someone...

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    2. kingcarcas13494/19/2012 2:51 AM

      Oh Noes!! He has an "Affliction" t-shirt watch out!

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  6. I am a good friend of Andrew and play Guitar for All Shall Perish. Andrew isn't the selfish person you are painting him out to be. In fact, he is a very kind thoughtful guy who is going through some very emotional shit right now.

    I get it though! Stir up the internet with some serious troll action, get some hits to your blog site here, well played man!

    You are like the Rush Limbaugh of Metal Blogs... only not rich, and much more pathetic.

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    Replies
    1. I am not a good friend of Andrew and purchase music I enjoy (mostly metal) so that sniveling dickheads (like, for example, Mustaine) can live like kings - guys like you and yours truly like queens.

      So he's a very kind and thoughtful guy in general, just got some pms'y stuff in his life, eh? And? Does that mean anything? Are you seriously saying "ow, c'mon he may be a whimp, but he's having trouble keeping his head together so pretty please don't critisize his actions"? Awwwwww... So cute... It's cool to stand up for a buddy, but maybe in this case it'd be better to, I don't know, suck his balls or something.

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  7. lol Sarcasm. Some people get it. Some people talk about how they do MMA. Also, All Shall Perish blow. I saw you homos with Black Dahlia Murder and the mighty Cannabis Corpse and I gotta say, you're band has to be one of the biggest wastes of 7 string guitars I've ever seen.

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  8. "I mean, after all, this is just cancer we're talking about. It's not like it ever killed anybody, or effected people who matter."

    Read this sentence again and click on the links before bleeding from the anus.

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    Replies
    1. I don't think cancer has effected people who matter, but grammar has affected people who don't matter!

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  9. Me and my band all have a disease called Alcoholism. Every band should let us open for them because we may never recover from this debilitating condition. We suck, but, you would too if you had Alcoholism.

    I feel sorry that these guys named their band Fallujah.

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    1. RectalAcheage3/24/2012 5:50 PM

      Alcoholism is kind of the pussy disease people get from doing shit to themselves over something like four decades. It's hardly comparable.

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  10. This is really fucked up. I can't believe all the hate and even from InfidelAmsterdam! WTF? Would it really be that bad if they got on the tour? I wouldn't go anyway so it wouldn't be too bad for me.

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  11. Why so much hate on Cerebral Bore? Guess you're not happy because these guys didn't win? They didn't win because not as many people like them as Cerebral Bore. Who the fuck is working the novelty of a female singer? You sound butthurt. Hopefully you'll wake up tomorrow without a stick in your ass, and of course the guy didn't deserve anything that happened to him and i totally agree on you that the hate was uncalled for, but i've heard Fallujah and i've heard Cerebral Bore, and imo it's obvious why Cerebral Bore won. Also they have a lot of fans they deserve hate for that right?

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    1. I'm Cerebrally Bored trying to figure out what the fuck you're talking about.

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    2. kingcarcas13494/19/2012 3:00 AM

      It is obvious, chick band gimmick strikes again! /nosexism

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  12. Cancer Balls would be an awesome grindcore band name, tho.

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  13. LOL! I looked at the first picture and the first thing that came to my mind was a very cool statue that I have by Sideshow Collectibles, check it out:
    http://www.collectiblesdirect.co.uk/image/cache/data/t1/The%20Dead%20Premium%20Format%20Figure%20Undying%20Carcass%20Sideshow/xss300029-500x500.jpg

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  14. All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.

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  15. I'm Eddie Van Halen, and I play guitar for Van Halen. I don't know how I found this web page and don't know anything about anyone involved. However, you should know it isn't nice to be mean to people who have cancer. Thank you.

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  16. Funny how, when your opinion isn't that of the 99% of the people who let themselves been carried away because of the cancer side of this story, is being put aside as a hater.
    I still think that it was a very wrong turn to take to add your disease into a competition which should evolve around your music and not on promising tabbooks to people or tell how sick you are.
    Fans of Fallujah just didn't vote enough for them to get on the bill.
    And anybody who think I have a thing against the band is a straight out idiot, I even have their cd.
    My opinion was that this was a wrong move, and that is still my opinion.
    So no...not everybody who crosses me takes a wrong turn Brenocide.

    Cheers!
    -Ed / InfidelAmsterdam

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    Replies
    1. Infidel's mother4/08/2012 10:54 AM

      What the fuck are you talking about sonny? This guy is probably dying and you can't let him live his life's dream when it was so close? You know Cerebral Bore are only pretending to be friends with you so you promote them. You're a fucking idiot who hasn't done shit! I'm glad I kicked you out of the house!

      Delete
    2. kingcarcas13494/19/2012 3:02 AM

      I hope opening up on some American tour isn't the guys dream.....

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  17. Alex Van Halen4/07/2012 3:11 PM

    Eddie what the fuck are you doing here.

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  18. This article is scrounging for controversy. There are better ways to get blog hits, OP.

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    Replies
    1. Nice try Richard, Brenocide is on to your retard games.

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  19. sarcasm appears to be a foreign language to many of the anonymous posters. it was obvious from the "i know, fuck him right?" and check out that pretentious anon douche bag talking about how his affliction is knowing too many words. what a complete cunt! unnecessary commas are, often, unnecessary. they, grammatically speaking, separate contextual ideas. next time you go all fucking grammar nazi and try to look fuckin smart, remember asides-my god you are an asshole-are where your thoughts go. next time don't brag about how awesome you are at grammar and writing. A) you made an ass out of yourself by fucking up while boasting B) this is the internet, we dont care go, fuck yourself. anyway, great article as always

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  20. Holy shit look at Anon go.

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  21. i dont know if this is a sarcastic joke by the writer of the blog but my mom has cancer its quite a struggle and feels like a punishment from God for her in her own words. The chemo and all you are going through is suffering. No one was entitled to vote for him, he simply stated his honest wishes. Time could be short for him, he may be suffering....whats wrong with stating the honest facts to accomplish a goal in your short life filled with pain? this is offensive unless i cannot read through your ?sarcasm? ...

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  22. btw^^^^ anonymous cuz im too lazy to log into my email

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  23. kingcarcas13494/19/2012 3:04 AM

    Just found out my brother has cancer, but doesn't change the fact that he's an asshole! I know what's coming up though, don't bother trying to argue with him you'll be seen as a dick and he will get preferential treatment.

    Where the fuck is Danville, CA anyway? These guys should go play Coachella instead

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  24. lol
    I'm friends with Battlecross.
    Great band live.

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  25. this is retarded who gives a fuck. the tour is fucking lame anyways.

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  26. SATAN HERE AGAIN JUST REMINDING YOU TO ALWAYS REMEMBER IM COMING FOR YOU! THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WILL BE SPENT LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER, WAITING FOR THE TIME I SET MY INVISIBLE VENGEANCE UPON YOU. MAY YOUR DREAMS BE HAUNTED AND YOUR MEMORIES FADE, FOR I HAVE CHOSEN YOU BREN OR "BRENOCIDE" HAHA LOT OF CREATIVITY THERE BUDDY YOUR SUCH A FAGGOT HAHA MAN YOUR SO HARDCORE XXX WITH YOUR NAME AND YOUR BLOG WITH THE "METAL" TYPE ART SIDE PANELS SO DEDICATED TO THIS SCENE THAT AMPLIFIES MY MESSAGE. I HOPE YOU KNOW THIS IS IT FOR YOU YOURE DAYS ARE NUMBERED YOU PETTY LITTLE WORM. YOURE NOT WORTHY OF MY KINGDOM SO AFTER THE ETERNAL RAPE THATS GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU IM GONNA SEND YOU TO THE VOID, WHICH ANY WELL ROUNDED PERSON KNOWS IS MUCH WORSE THAN HELL.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.