Wearing ear plugs

Greetings fellow metalheads, another authority on all things metal has joined forces with the mighty Brenocide: Tyranneous. A tyrant with words, a wizard of the pen, a mighty beast of ideas; I, Tyranneous, hope to bestow useful knowledge to my fellow brethren so that we can create a more educated elite. Enjoy.

Not in my show, dumbass.

If there is one sight that irks me more than just about any other at a metal show, it is that of a fellow “metalhead” with pieces of orange foam stuck as far into his (it is always a he) ear canal as he can muster.

Typically, this “metalhead,” with his pube-like wiry hair, lanky physique, and hoodie walks uncomfortably around the venue, wetting his pull-up's (Mommy wow, he's a big boy now!) because he has no idea what to expect, this being his first show and all, and he heard from his best friend's older brother's dad that rock shows are loud.

Listen folks, your parents might tell you that your hearing is precious and to protect it because you never get it back, but leave that shit at the door of the show. Protecting your hearing is fine on the gun range, but losing your hearing is a battle wound that all of us metalheads are proud to display. Eventually, these “loud” shows become listenable because you lose those wimpy cells in the ear canal and you are left with pure, unadulterated metal cells. This my friends, is a fact.

There is an adage, “if it's too loud, you're too old:” learn it, love it, live by it; it is the first commandment of the metalhead way of life. Some jack off is blasting his hip hop next to you, well “Blow your speakers with rock and roll!” as the mighty Eric Adams belted and crush your enemy with your overwhelming metal-ness and ability to tolerate a volume of music that far surpasses anyone else. When Lemmy asks you if the music is loud enough, you say NO!

Got it?

If you are an up-and-coming metalhead – which you shall remain until you are capable of driving yourself to the show – proper ear protection should never cross your mind. We, your metal elders, embrace our deafness because it gives us the ability to drown out the noise of everyday life: your bullshit problems and that of the rest of the world (you because you have not been accepted into the community as above mentioned). We never think about tomorrow because it has yet to arrive and today is a show, where we can experience one of our favorite bands, and nothing satiates our hunger for metal than hearing it louder than loud.

Metal is an experience and nothing completes this experience more than the volume. When you come to our sacred ground wearing ear plugs, what you are telling us is that you really do not want to partake in this experience with us; you are telling us in a roundabout way that you are better than the rest of us and when it comes to a show, no pissant little dipshit is going to be better than us.

So, when daddy hands you a pair, grow a pair and tell him to shove it; you are a “metalhead.”