Monday, January 24, 2011

Awful Metal Video of the Week: Therion - To Mega Therion

I don't know exactly whether or not this is the worst music video I ever seen, but it's definitely up there. Say what you want about Therion musically, (and I have a lot of things to say) but where their terribleness truly excels is in their unbridled ability to make a really, really bad music video.

I promise you this will not be the last we see of Therion in regards to the Awful Metal Video of the Week. Speaking of which, if you have a truly horrible music video that you'd like me to bear witness to, by all means, get yourself on the Facebook page, "like" if you haven't already, (you know you like me) go to discussions, and tell me all about it in the appropriate thread. If I like your idea, I will most definitely write about it on the blog, namedrop you, and talk about how cool and handsome you are.

For the benefit of this post, I had to sit and watch this entire video from start to finish. If I had a choice in the matter, I would have probably stopped at about the third second. The video opens with the camera panning over some Gothic church architecture, and that alone was enough to rob of me of any potential joy I could have experienced today. "Great", I thought to myself, "it's one those videos." What I didn't anticipate is that "Therion - To Mega Therion" is a lot of "those videos". Images of the band playing in black trench coats and head banging in front of the crumbled, moss-covered bricks filled my mind, knowing for sure that was about to happen next, and you most definitely get to see that, but that's not all you get to see...

We are treated to a choir of singers standing on an expensive-looking, wooden staircase, and what a confusing bunch they are. They look like all the awkward extended family members of yours at a funeral  that you don't really know, and you don't want to talk to. However, somehow the conversation of your dead great aunt comes up, and you have to pretend to have some feelings about it to share with them. The women are a couple plain-janes with velvet dresses and satin gloves, with the prettier ones standing out front, and that's not saying very much. The gentlemen can be best described as the situation where you have an important job interview, and you get yourself a haircut in order to look more professional for it; but it's pretty bad haircut, the type that makes you look like an 11-year-old boy. Yet since you got it the day of your interview you have to go with it anyway. I'm guessing the job interview for these chaps was a Therion music video. I mean look at that dude on the right, he's wearing a fucking American flag tie, and Therion is most definitely Swedish. What happened here? Does Therion realize you don't need people with professional singing talent for a music video? You can get anybody you want to stand there and voice-over the lyrics. I can't come to the conclusion in my mind that these were the best-looking people that Therion knew to stand there and sing. The horrifying reality is, that's probably the case. The chick in the blue dress didn't even bother to learn the words. She's just moving her lips along with everyone else.

The church architecture shots and the painfully awkward choir is a constant theme of the music video, and before long, I pat myself on the back for my accurate prediction of band members in trench coats playing the song in front of the church. The snow is an added treat to the increasingly large pile of bad metal video cliches. I have successfully muscled through to the 16th second. Oh dear god.

The drummer apparently couldn't make it to the band shoot of them playing in the snow, or for the safety of his equipment, didn't want to. The band came up with a compromise however, and he plays drums in the warmth and safety of indoors, while wearing a t-shirt I wouldn't be caught wearing to bed, and the typical "I don't fit in but I'm the only guy they could find to play metal drums" hair cut and look about himself.

Was that a pirate?

Yes it was.

NOW WE'RE IN THE STUDIO RECORDING THE ALBUM. Oh dude, look! It's a soundboard! It's huge right? It must have been expensive! Check it out, now I'm wearing headphones and singing on a microphone with a windscreen! Look mom, I'm Christina Aguilera! I've finally made it! If you want to make the worst kind of a heavy metal music video, record video of yourselves recording your album; what the process looks like, and how cool it is to be surrounded with all the big and expensive equipment. Show off to everybody how much money is going into the production of your album. Studio footage is to a metal video what a Bentley is to a rap video. It shows everybody that you're big now. I feel sorry for this washed up porn star they have as an audio engineer for all this crap. I'm sure he feels the same way, as his face is in the dark all the time. 

More of the same: choir, church shots, trenchcoats in the snow, studio footage, rinse and repeat. Over and over again. Holy shit there's that pirate again. Why does he have flames superimposed over him? Did his ship burn down? 

They zoom in on the prettiest girl while she lip syncs a solo, and it's all she can do to keep herself from laughing. This all must feel pretty silly from her point of view. God knows I feel embarrassed for watching it. More pirate. Here's a statue of saint whats-his-face. Now here's the best shot we could possibly get of this gargoyle. It's really, really high up after all. If this wasn't ridiculous before, it is officially now so. There are no violins or grand pianos in a Therion track. What do you think I'm retarded? As if we as metal fans don't know synthesized keyboard sounds when we hear them. 

I have made it to about the 4:20 mark, and I am officially exhausted. The idea that I have to wait for at least another 2 minutes for the song to end is unbearable. I am convinced that this video has shown me everything it has to offer over and over again long before I reached one minute into it. Is there any curveball to be thrown? I guess the choir is in trouble now, because the creepy pirate is on his way up the stairs. We get to the guitar solo part of the song, and the video's footage gets really jerky and we have some flames superimposed over the band instead of the pirate. The video approaches its exit to the sound of synthesized trombone, while we look at some guys playing actual trombones. Therion, you guys are assholes. The final image of the video is the gargoyle that's too high up to get a decent shot of. 

Therion - To Mega Therion takes almost every cliche I would hate about a European metal video, and jumbles it all up into one big tossed salad of suck. This music video is as boring and repetitive as the song itself. I challenge anybody to find me a worse music video than this. Like I said, get on the Facebook page to let me know about it. 

I'm going to take a scalding hot shower now, to see if its possible to scrub away this shame. 

1 comment:

  1. What a sad band, to think they are actually pretty big in Mexico because they are one of the few bands to play the main city, it must suck to be from Mexico City.


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