Thursday, January 6, 2011

Job Interviews

"Yeah, well... we'll call you."

Let's hope you have a long-sleeve to cover up that regrettable ink, because it's interview time. The suits over at Costco are looking for some new blood, ever since their last stock boy was caught using in the break room. They have received your online application, and as such, only have your previous work experience and a creepily intrusive psychological evaluation to go on. (What's the difference between "agreeing" and "strongly agreeing" anyway?) They are completely oblivious to the strict opposer of acceptable social norms and personal hygiene that is about to walk in to their office.

The job interview is the sworn nemesis to a metalhead's pursuit of success. In the professional environment, first impressions are everything. Unfortunately, the first impression you would give someone as a true metalhead is "I'm going to eat your children". That kind of message doesn't go over well anywhere else in life, and the job market is certainly no exception. Believe it or not, some people actually like their kids. Even if you dress your funeral best, years of the world's angriest music has taken its toll on your personality, attitude and outside appearance in some way or another. They can just see it in your face. You are almost guaranteed to not get the job based on the fact that the 10-100 other applicants just don't look as creepy. Here is the decision making process for the person recruiting potential new employees:

Choice one: The clean-cut, healthy-looking gentleman who seemed friendly, confident, outgoing and had the necessary customer service experience to do the job right and well. He would make a great addition as a team player, and would be a representative of our company's image and quality that we would be proud of.
Choice two: You.

The odds are severely stacked against us from the get go. It's nothing short of a miracle that any metalheads ever get hired at all. The ones that do are either doomed to minimum wage, put as far out of the public eye as possible in some backroom or warehouse, or in one of the few jobs where your alternative appearance would be appreciated. (i.e, snobby record stores, tattoo parlors, Starbucks, etc.) The lack of work can be so frustrating, that one might go as far as to shave their face, cut their hair, and dress a little more socially acceptable. Don't do that.

Don't be a Metallica.

The day that metalheads find prosperity will be the same day that tattoos are freely acceptable in the workplace and nobody has to go to church anymore: When all the old people are dead. It only takes a few minutes of boring yourself with C-Span to realize that these stupid, close-minded old farts run the entire planet and all the major corporations. As such, the world runs the way that they think it should be run, with confused, ignorant, decades-old ideologies and standards. If you don't go to a job interview with Dick Van Dyke hair, it's enough to make them crap their depends. They just can't handle it. When considering the senior generation, anything that happened to the world or the human thought process after the year they graduated High School completely horrifies and baffles them. Try watching anyone over the age of 52 effectively operate a cell phone and you'll get my picture.

So I'm assuming they had you wear hair nets at this "Marty's Meat Market" you used to work at, right?

If you are one of the few metalheads lucky enough to be hired for the job, your next step is to make them immediately regret their poor decision-making. Be as lazy, egotistical, unreliable, and rude as you act in every other environment, but still do the bare minimum amount of work required to keep them from firing you. If you last long enough to be the first to get laid off, you can go collect unemployment checks and look as Metal as you want.

You will never be a rock star. 


  1. so true so true but but..... erhm... (just answered like a metal head should).

  2. But but what? I'm not afraid of criticism, arguing about everything there is to argue about is definitely super metal

  3. I'm partial to the ones that eat children, at least they won't steal the food I planned on stealing.

  4. They won't let you be metal and work at starbucks,

  5. Did you apply there?! Come on dude...

  6. I did, no dice. Something about being scary is not hipster-approved.

  7. Very true article. Though I have shown up utilizing a shock tactic : with a Marduk shirt on. That way they were kind of confused and less focused so they started asking questions if I would wear that at work. I asked them what their policy was (I knew it was more business like preferrably). Eventually they asked me to just tone it down a little but I didn't have to adapt fully to their rules. So they were already happy with some sort of small compromise from my side. Not that I did after I got the job but still.

  8. nah this article is shitty. ditch the social status with your proecious metal and become a hipster because those people get on in life and have huge popularity (metalheads dont count) i think hipster is the ultimate style to go for to get a job as quickly as possible. youll relise when you cant pay the bills/rent whatever that hipster is your saving grace.

  9. Ha, this is the worst thing a metalhead has to endure. What's worse is applying for a shitty job by handing out a CV to anywhere that looks like they might accept it: I've actually seen the guy who just took it off me throw it into the fucking bin behind the counter. Smug cunt.

    I'm slowly working my way through your (almost) entire back catalogue, by the way, in case you couldn't guess.

  10. Ahhhhhh those tests, having to explain my long work absence......fuck me i'm scared, but hey at least it isn't a "real job interview" and i don't have long hair. Can't believe that MArduk t-shirt guy, i mostly keep it under wraps, they already think i'm weird enough....

  11. idon'thaveanaccount5/26/2011 8:41 PM

    What if I want to write music or something? Or what if I do wanna be in a band just not going to aspire to be as popular as Metallica?

  12. saying shit is super metal is probably one of the top five gayest thing i've ever heard in my life. and arguing with every employer it probably one of the dumbest. i mean, really, if you want to live your life on the streets, by all means, go for it. but don't call it metal, it's only stupidity.

  13. Me as a 16 year old with long greasy hair, a shitty beard and a permanent snarl has had the worst experiance with job hunting. I live in the south west of england (mostly populated by slow farmers and old people) and I have literally walked into pubs, shops and restraunts with my hair tied back dressed like a jehovahs witness and mostly the first thing they have said is "get out"

  14. i was at this interview a year or so ago- it was for one of those 'high achieving private schools', and the headmaster, who was interviewing me, turned out to be a huge slayer fan and we ended up just talking about metal for half an hour.i got the place and everything. maybe its more about who's interviewing you than how you dress. (although i'm a girl and so having long hair isn't so much of an issue.)


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.